I close my eyes when I get too sad.
I think thoughts that I know are bad.
I close my eyes and I count to 10.
I hope it's over when I open them.
A small raven-haired boy lies on his bed, staring at the wall opposite him. Muffled voices can be heard from somewhere else in the house. A woman is shouting, and a male's voice follows, even more loudly. The boy shuts his eyes and clutches a small stuffed animal to his chest. Through the window, the sun can be seen disappearing behind the hills in the distance. As twilight falls, the angry voices don't stop until a crash is heard, then a woman sobbing... heavy footsteps... the door to the boy's father's room slams shut.I want the things that I had before,like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door.
I wish I could count to ten,
make everything be wonderful again.
will figure out why they get so mad.
I hear them scream, I hear them fight.
They say bad words and make me wanna cry.
The first boy is now sitting on the floor of his family's drawing room alongside his brother, giggling and chattering away. The snow outside falls lightly onto the ground, and the Christmas tree a few feet away from the young children glimmers in the firelight."...of course, it's never your fault, Arcturus," a female voice says irritably from the next room.
"I have a lot to do, woman, you think I have time to invite every member of your fucking family-" a man begins loudly.
"You do have time! What exactly is this 'alot to do', because-"
"Why couldn't you send them owls? It's your family and it's not as though you do anything all day-"
"I watch our sons, which isn't something simple, I assure you-"
"Oh, I'm sure it's so difficult to look after a seven and five year old," the male voice says sarcastically.
"Sirius, Regulus, go to your rooms," the woman snaps at the boys, who had both looked towards their parents warily. Without a second telling, they both stand up and scramble up the stairs.
I close my eyes when I go to bed,and I dream of angels who make me smile.
I feel better when I hear them say,
'Everything will be wonderful someday'.
"Here, Remus... the doctor says this might help you feel better," she says softly, kneeling down and handing the goblet to her son.
The boy nods mutely and takes a few cautious sips.
"How's your arm?" his mother asks, taking the boys pale arm into her hands and examining the scratches and bites on it.
"Fine," the boy says tonelessly.
"I'll... let you get some sleep, then, honey," the woman says, smiling slightly and giving Remus a tight hug. "If you need anything, your father and me are in the living room. Goodnight."
"Night," the boy says quietly.
As the door shuts behind his mother, he turns over onto his side, wincing slightly as he did so, and falls asleep almost instantly. His dream is vague and doesn't make much sense, but the next morning the boy would be able to recall one specific thing - his mother smiling at him, her eyes free of tears and sadness, telling him that one day things would be better.
Promises mean everything,when you're little and the world is so big.
"It's okay, Regulus... don't worry. It'll be over soon," he says quietly, though doubting if he even believed himself.
The smaller boy stops crying and pulls away from his sibling to look him in the eyes. "How do you know?"
"It will... I promise," Sirius says quietly, smiling slightly. Regulus hiccups and, with what looked like an enormous effort, returned the smile.
I just don't understand how,you can smile with all those tears in your eyes,
when you tell me everything is wonderful now.
Remus sits up in his bed to find his mother already in the room. As he stirs, she jerks her gaze from the window and meets Remus'.
"Hi, mom," he says vaguely, feeling somewhat confused.
"Good morning, sweetie. I have some news for you," his mother says.
"What is it?"
"Well... you remember how your father and I told you that... that you might not be able to go to Hogwarts..."
"Yes..." "Well we've just gotten a letter from Headmaster Dumbledore. He's going to allow you to come to school."
"Really?" the boy's face breaks into a wide smile.
His mother nods, her eyes oddly bright as she looks at her son. "Yes. They're obviously going to have to take a few... precautions... but Headmaster Dumbledore thinks that he can think of a way for you to... for everything to go okay."
I go to school and I run and play.I tell the kids that it's all okay.
I laugh a lot so my friends won't know.
When June comes I just don't want to go home.
The raven-haired boy is now in his second year at Hogwarts. He and three other boys sit on his bed in the dormitory, talking and laughing."Well, it's our last night here," a boy with very untidy black hair says.
"Yeah," the other boys chorus.
"I sort of want to go home," a small blonde boy says. "I mean, I like this place and everything but..."
"Me too," says Remus.
Sirius had said nothing of his parents' home. He remained silent until the messy-haired boy addressed him.
"What about you Sirius? You looking forward to going home at all?"
"Oh... yeah, I sort of miss it, I guess," he lied, not wanting to start telling his friends about his parents now.
"You all right, Sirius?" the first boy enquires. "You're awfully quiet tonight, and as 'quiet' and 'Sirius Black' don't tend to be in the same sentence..."
"I'm fine, James," Sirius says quickly. "Just... just tired, that's all."
I go to my room and I close my eyes.I make believe that I have a new life.
I don't believe you when you say,
'Everything will be wonderful, someday'.
Remus lies on his bed back at home, watching the sun sink slowly. The previous night's transformation had been particularly painful, and he didn't have much will to do anything. His amber eyes made their way down his arm, taking in the bruises and cuts. He felt a sudden burning somewhere in his stomach."I hate you..." he whispered to himself.
He wanted to run, to throw something, to break the stillness of the room and demonstrate just a fraction of the anger inside of him; and yet, at the same time he couldn't find the energy to so much as stand up. He shut his eyes and wondered what it would be like if he hadn't been bitten... he wondered what it was like to be James, or Sirius, or Peter, with no worries besides homework and losing house points. Gone were the dreams where he mother appeared, caring and reassuring. It couldn't get better. It was impossible.
Promises mean everything,when you're little and the world is so big.
Sirius enters his room and looks around. Home... he thinks to himself. The raven-haired boy almost laughs in spite of himself. This wasn't home."Sirius?" A tentative voice breaks the silence.
The tall boy turns to find his younger brother standing in the door way. He forces a smile. "Hi Regulus..."
"How was school?"
"Pretty good. How were you?"
"Fine... mum and dad don't argue as much anymore."
"Oh," Sirius says, looking surprised at this statement. "Well... that's got to be loads better for you."
Regulus doesn't smile. "They spend most of their time complaining about... well... you."
The older boy lets out a snort of contempt. "Not surprising," he mutters, turning away. "I told you their fighting would stop," he says after a moment of silence.
I just don't understand how,you can smile with all those tears in your eyes,
when you tell me everything is wonderful, now.
The summer is almost over. The raven-haired boy lies on his back, abandoning his bed and preferring to position himself on the floor of his room. Echoes of his parents' words filled his head."The Potters? Blood traitors, they are. Don't want to go socializing with them, boy."
"Why you weren't sorted into Slytherin... I won't lie to you, Sirius, I'm not pleased with that at all."
"How can you congregate with such boys? I don't think Regulus would ever do something like that.. Maybe you should try to be more like him.."
Sirius' eyes darken, and he feels a stinging behind his eyes. For a few moments, he stares at the ceiling, huffing rather like a dog who had run out of breath, or like one who was about to cry but knew better and held it in.
I don't want to hear you say that I will understand someday.I don't want to hear you say you both have grown in a different way.
I don't want to meet your friend, and I don't want to start over again.
I just want my life to be the same, just like it used to be.
As Remus sits outside on his porch, staring up into the stars, an old memory floats into his mind...
---
He is four years old, sitting on a man's knee.
"That star is Polaris... or the North Star."
"I don't like the stars," the young boy announces. His father looks surprised.
"Why not?"
"Because... I can never tell them apart. That's why I like the moon," the child says, gesturing to the silvery orb hanging in the velvety sky. His father laughs casts an amused look at his son...
---
Now Remus sits alone. His father had offered to come outside with him, but the lycanthrope declined. He remembered when he loved the moon. The way it was constantly changing, and how it shone more brightly than any star in the sky. He gives a dry laugh as he thinks about his feelings on the moon, now, and wishes that his life could just go back to how it was so many years ago.
Some days, I hate everything.
I hate everything.
Everyone and everything.
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now.