Author notes: This parody was GREATLY inspired by Jehan's Muse's PotC:
Curse of the Anachronistic Allusions's parody. Apologies to her. :)
---------
Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone – or as I like to call it, The Big Red Stone That Everyone Wants But No One Can Find Unless You Are A 11 Year Old Wizard Newbie
[EXT: a dark, but street light lit road. An OMINOUS OWL is perched above a street sign that reads "PRIVET DRIVE"]
Ominous Owl: I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I work all night and sleep all day...oh not again! Here's that oddly dressed old guy, I better hoot.
Dumbledore: Oh look, an owl!
Ominous Owl: Hoot!
Human-looking-cat: I'm going to pretend I'm a cat until he says my name, just for effect.
Dumbledore: Now where did I put that Pez dispenser?
[He fishes around and pulls out a STRANGE OBJECT that reminds the AUTHORESS of a POOPER SCOOPER.]
Dumbledore: Darn, I must have taken this thing by mistake. Wonder what it does?
[He presses a button. Several of the street lamps go out.]
Dumbledore: Oh goodie, we can play Murder in the Dark!
[He continues to put out all the street lights. Somewhere, a HUMAN-LOOKING- CAT meows.]
Human-looking-cat: Meow!
Dumbledore: Really, I don't know why she does that; she can probably talk like a regular person even in cat form. Hello Professor McGonagall, I'm going to pretend I didn't notice you.
[The HUMAN-LOOKING-CAT transforms into AN OLD LOOKING WITCH]
McGonagall: I did that in shadow so that when I do it later in the film it's still impressive.
Dumbledore: I still think its cool and I've seen it plenty of times.
McGonagall: Hush! No one must know the love we feel for each other!
Dumbledore: Hmm?
McGonagall: Better move the plot along, Are the rumors true?
Dumbledore: Yes, I don't wear knickers under this dress. I mean...yes they are true, the good and the bad.
McGonagall: So, the party at Sirius' house is cancelled?
Dumbledore: Quite. But he sent Hagrid to us, even gave him his flying bike, but lets not explain to the audience that it's actually Sirius' until the third book. They won't understand and it will kind of ruin the whole reveal about how Sirius isn't a bad guy...
McGonagall: [talking over him] do you think we can trust Hagrid?
Dumbledore: Well, he's not the smartest of people but I think he'd protect me awfully well, being so big...
McGonagall: I'd protect you...
Dumbledore: [talking over her] Ah Hagrid! Hullo! Nice weather?
Hagrid: Beauty of a bike eh? Did you know it actually belongs to...?
Dumbledore: [talking over him] do you have the kid?
Hagrid: Oh! Yeah, he's around here somewhere, 'fraid I might have sat on him...
Dumbledore: No, that happens later, he's around your neck.
Hagrid: So he is! Here you go.
[He hands over HARRY]
Harry: I'm a baby and therefore can't talk. Check out the whopper of a scar I have though!
[DUMBLEDORE holds HARRY and walks towards THE DURSLEY'S HOUSE]
Dumbledore: Wow, what a whopper of a scar! Bummer of a birthmark Hal!
[AUTHORESS apologizes for this 'personal' joke, go read some of Gary Larson's Far Side comics and you will understand it.]
McGonagall: You're off your rocker, my love, if you think leaving him with these muggles is a good idea. He's going to be famous, we could cash in, while he's still too young to understand!
Dumbledore: No, I think it's far better to leave him here with awful people so he grows up skinny, troubled and with a hugely low self esteem. Otherwise the rest of the series will lack a lot of motive, won't it? He won't be as depressed in Order of the Phoenix for one.
McGonagall: He won't be very surprised at Diagon Alley either...
Dumbledore: And yet again, it will reveal that Sirius is a good guy and we can't have that.
Hagrid: Huh?
[MCGONAGALL tries to PAT HAGRID on the shoulder but can only reach his NAVEL]
McGonagall: Oh well, I guess we better go through with it. Pity though.
[HAGRID bursts into tears]
Dumbledore: There, there Hagrid. It's not goodbye after all. And look, [DUMBLEDORE pulls out a book and flicks through a few pages and shows it to HAGRID] It's only a matter of a chapter or two and you get to see him again!
Hagrid: Wow, and we won't appear to have aged a bit!
[DUMBLEDORE puts HARRY on the doorstep then puts an ENVELOPE on top of him]
Dumbledore: Good luck, Harry Potter.
McGonagall: Wow, check out the scar!
---------
Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone – or as I like to call it, The Big Red Stone That Everyone Wants But No One Can Find Unless You Are A 11 Year Old Wizard Newbie
[EXT: a dark, but street light lit road. An OMINOUS OWL is perched above a street sign that reads "PRIVET DRIVE"]
Ominous Owl: I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I work all night and sleep all day...oh not again! Here's that oddly dressed old guy, I better hoot.
Dumbledore: Oh look, an owl!
Ominous Owl: Hoot!
Human-looking-cat: I'm going to pretend I'm a cat until he says my name, just for effect.
Dumbledore: Now where did I put that Pez dispenser?
[He fishes around and pulls out a STRANGE OBJECT that reminds the AUTHORESS of a POOPER SCOOPER.]
Dumbledore: Darn, I must have taken this thing by mistake. Wonder what it does?
[He presses a button. Several of the street lamps go out.]
Dumbledore: Oh goodie, we can play Murder in the Dark!
[He continues to put out all the street lights. Somewhere, a HUMAN-LOOKING- CAT meows.]
Human-looking-cat: Meow!
Dumbledore: Really, I don't know why she does that; she can probably talk like a regular person even in cat form. Hello Professor McGonagall, I'm going to pretend I didn't notice you.
[The HUMAN-LOOKING-CAT transforms into AN OLD LOOKING WITCH]
McGonagall: I did that in shadow so that when I do it later in the film it's still impressive.
Dumbledore: I still think its cool and I've seen it plenty of times.
McGonagall: Hush! No one must know the love we feel for each other!
Dumbledore: Hmm?
McGonagall: Better move the plot along, Are the rumors true?
Dumbledore: Yes, I don't wear knickers under this dress. I mean...yes they are true, the good and the bad.
McGonagall: So, the party at Sirius' house is cancelled?
Dumbledore: Quite. But he sent Hagrid to us, even gave him his flying bike, but lets not explain to the audience that it's actually Sirius' until the third book. They won't understand and it will kind of ruin the whole reveal about how Sirius isn't a bad guy...
McGonagall: [talking over him] do you think we can trust Hagrid?
Dumbledore: Well, he's not the smartest of people but I think he'd protect me awfully well, being so big...
McGonagall: I'd protect you...
Dumbledore: [talking over her] Ah Hagrid! Hullo! Nice weather?
Hagrid: Beauty of a bike eh? Did you know it actually belongs to...?
Dumbledore: [talking over him] do you have the kid?
Hagrid: Oh! Yeah, he's around here somewhere, 'fraid I might have sat on him...
Dumbledore: No, that happens later, he's around your neck.
Hagrid: So he is! Here you go.
[He hands over HARRY]
Harry: I'm a baby and therefore can't talk. Check out the whopper of a scar I have though!
[DUMBLEDORE holds HARRY and walks towards THE DURSLEY'S HOUSE]
Dumbledore: Wow, what a whopper of a scar! Bummer of a birthmark Hal!
[AUTHORESS apologizes for this 'personal' joke, go read some of Gary Larson's Far Side comics and you will understand it.]
McGonagall: You're off your rocker, my love, if you think leaving him with these muggles is a good idea. He's going to be famous, we could cash in, while he's still too young to understand!
Dumbledore: No, I think it's far better to leave him here with awful people so he grows up skinny, troubled and with a hugely low self esteem. Otherwise the rest of the series will lack a lot of motive, won't it? He won't be as depressed in Order of the Phoenix for one.
McGonagall: He won't be very surprised at Diagon Alley either...
Dumbledore: And yet again, it will reveal that Sirius is a good guy and we can't have that.
Hagrid: Huh?
[MCGONAGALL tries to PAT HAGRID on the shoulder but can only reach his NAVEL]
McGonagall: Oh well, I guess we better go through with it. Pity though.
[HAGRID bursts into tears]
Dumbledore: There, there Hagrid. It's not goodbye after all. And look, [DUMBLEDORE pulls out a book and flicks through a few pages and shows it to HAGRID] It's only a matter of a chapter or two and you get to see him again!
Hagrid: Wow, and we won't appear to have aged a bit!
[DUMBLEDORE puts HARRY on the doorstep then puts an ENVELOPE on top of him]
Dumbledore: Good luck, Harry Potter.
McGonagall: Wow, check out the scar!