Author notes: This parody was GREATLY inspired by Jehan's Muse's PotC:
Curse of the Anachronistic Allusions's parody. Apologies to her. :) Thanks
to everyone who has already reviewed the first chapter!
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Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone – or as I like to call it, The Big Red Stone That Everyone Wants But No One Can Find Unless You Are An 11 Year Old Wizard Newbie
[EXT: HARRY lies asleep in his CUPBOARD, his SCAR is glowing]
Harry: Zzzz...wow, check out my scar!
Petunia: Get up!
Harry: Oh geez, I still live with these idiots.
Petunia: Ha ha, and you will do so until you kill your arch enemy that you won't meet for a whole year and you won't even know you can't leave until five books are done!
Harry: What?
Petunia: Get up!
[DUDLEY is jumping on the stairs above HARRY'S CUPBOARD]
Dudley: Wake up Potter! We're going to the zoo!
Harry: But I though you were going with Piers!
Dudley: Piers doesn't even exist in the film version, and we don't even have to have Mrs. Figg either!
Harry: D'oh.
[HARRY gets up after being KICKED by DUDLEY]
Petunia: Hurry up and make breakfast!
Harry: But you've already made it! Look!
Vernon: Cut your lying you little toe rag. Get me some coffee and some more bacon!
Harry: If you have any more bacon you'll look like a...
Dudley: [talking over Harry] how many presents have you got me?
Vernon: Ah... four thousand and fifty two this year m'boy.
Dudley: four thousand and fifty two? Last year you gave me four thousand and fifty four!
Harry: I'm surprised you can even count that high you fat...
[All the DURSLEYS ignore HARRY]
Petunia: we will get you some more at the zoo precious!
Dudley: you better.
Petunia: Of course we will.
Dudley: I'll get angry if you don't.
Petunia: We will.
[HARRY rolls his eyes]
[CUT TO. PRIVET DRIVE, the DURSLEYS and HARRY are getting into the CAR]
Vernon: I'm warning you boy, any funny business...
Harry: [interrupting him] what, like when I set the house on fire?
Vernon: Yes...
Harry: [interrupting him] or when I made the cat grow extra legs and walk on the ceiling?
Vernon: YES...
Harry: [interrupting him] or when I hypnotized you and make you sing "I Will Survive" in front of your new boss?
Vernon: [going red and steaming from the ears] YES DAMNIT! Anything like that and it's no food for a week.
Harry: right, gotcha. Funny business and it's no grub for a week.
[CUT TO the REPTILE HOUSE]
[HARRY and the DURSLEYS are staring at a BOA CONSTRICTER through a sheet of GLASS]
Dudley: Make him move!
Vernon: Move!
Boa: Nope. I'm feigning sleep.
Dudley: He's boring.
Harry: [under his breath] you're boring, you big fat...
[The DURSLEYS walk off, ignoring HARRY]
Harry: Hi Mr. Boa.
[The BOA winks at HARRY]
Harry: Wow! Did you just wink at me?
[The BOA winks again, but more obviously]
Harry: Wow! So you can hear me?
[The BOA rolls its eyes]
Harry: wow, I must be some freak snake-talking-but-not-magical-person.
Boa: Or you're a Parsel Mouth.
Harry: What?
Boa: Don't worry, wait a year and it will make lots of sense.
Harry: Really?
Boa: Yes, and say hi to the Basilisk for me.
Harry: The what?
Boa: Don't worry.
[DUDLEY runs up to the BOA, PUSHING HARRY out of the way]
Dudley: Wow, it's moving!
Boa: [looking at DUDLEY] Geez, I'm glad I was raised it captivity.
Harry: You sure are.
[HARRY fixes DUDLEY with an evil stare. The GLASS DISAPPEARS]
Harry: Woo, magical me!
[The BOA escapes as DUDLEY falls in the water]
Boa: [to Harry] Thanks.
Harry: No problem, just don't bite me.
Boa: Deal.
[The DURSLEYS start screaming as DUDLEY realizes he's trapped behind the glass]
[VERNON fixes HARRY with a knowing stare]
Harry: [he sighs] Right. No food for a week.
---------
Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone – or as I like to call it, The Big Red Stone That Everyone Wants But No One Can Find Unless You Are An 11 Year Old Wizard Newbie
[EXT: HARRY lies asleep in his CUPBOARD, his SCAR is glowing]
Harry: Zzzz...wow, check out my scar!
Petunia: Get up!
Harry: Oh geez, I still live with these idiots.
Petunia: Ha ha, and you will do so until you kill your arch enemy that you won't meet for a whole year and you won't even know you can't leave until five books are done!
Harry: What?
Petunia: Get up!
[DUDLEY is jumping on the stairs above HARRY'S CUPBOARD]
Dudley: Wake up Potter! We're going to the zoo!
Harry: But I though you were going with Piers!
Dudley: Piers doesn't even exist in the film version, and we don't even have to have Mrs. Figg either!
Harry: D'oh.
[HARRY gets up after being KICKED by DUDLEY]
Petunia: Hurry up and make breakfast!
Harry: But you've already made it! Look!
Vernon: Cut your lying you little toe rag. Get me some coffee and some more bacon!
Harry: If you have any more bacon you'll look like a...
Dudley: [talking over Harry] how many presents have you got me?
Vernon: Ah... four thousand and fifty two this year m'boy.
Dudley: four thousand and fifty two? Last year you gave me four thousand and fifty four!
Harry: I'm surprised you can even count that high you fat...
[All the DURSLEYS ignore HARRY]
Petunia: we will get you some more at the zoo precious!
Dudley: you better.
Petunia: Of course we will.
Dudley: I'll get angry if you don't.
Petunia: We will.
[HARRY rolls his eyes]
[CUT TO. PRIVET DRIVE, the DURSLEYS and HARRY are getting into the CAR]
Vernon: I'm warning you boy, any funny business...
Harry: [interrupting him] what, like when I set the house on fire?
Vernon: Yes...
Harry: [interrupting him] or when I made the cat grow extra legs and walk on the ceiling?
Vernon: YES...
Harry: [interrupting him] or when I hypnotized you and make you sing "I Will Survive" in front of your new boss?
Vernon: [going red and steaming from the ears] YES DAMNIT! Anything like that and it's no food for a week.
Harry: right, gotcha. Funny business and it's no grub for a week.
[CUT TO the REPTILE HOUSE]
[HARRY and the DURSLEYS are staring at a BOA CONSTRICTER through a sheet of GLASS]
Dudley: Make him move!
Vernon: Move!
Boa: Nope. I'm feigning sleep.
Dudley: He's boring.
Harry: [under his breath] you're boring, you big fat...
[The DURSLEYS walk off, ignoring HARRY]
Harry: Hi Mr. Boa.
[The BOA winks at HARRY]
Harry: Wow! Did you just wink at me?
[The BOA winks again, but more obviously]
Harry: Wow! So you can hear me?
[The BOA rolls its eyes]
Harry: wow, I must be some freak snake-talking-but-not-magical-person.
Boa: Or you're a Parsel Mouth.
Harry: What?
Boa: Don't worry, wait a year and it will make lots of sense.
Harry: Really?
Boa: Yes, and say hi to the Basilisk for me.
Harry: The what?
Boa: Don't worry.
[DUDLEY runs up to the BOA, PUSHING HARRY out of the way]
Dudley: Wow, it's moving!
Boa: [looking at DUDLEY] Geez, I'm glad I was raised it captivity.
Harry: You sure are.
[HARRY fixes DUDLEY with an evil stare. The GLASS DISAPPEARS]
Harry: Woo, magical me!
[The BOA escapes as DUDLEY falls in the water]
Boa: [to Harry] Thanks.
Harry: No problem, just don't bite me.
Boa: Deal.
[The DURSLEYS start screaming as DUDLEY realizes he's trapped behind the glass]
[VERNON fixes HARRY with a knowing stare]
Harry: [he sighs] Right. No food for a week.