Author notes: This parody was GREATLY inspired by Jehan's Muse's PotC: Curse of the Anachronistic Allusions's parody. Apologies to her. :) Thanks to everyone who has already reviewed the first chapter!
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Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone – or as I like to call it, The Big Red Stone That Everyone Wants But No One Can Find Unless You Are An 11 Year Old Wizard Newbie
[The DURLEYS arrive HOME, PETUNIA is holding DUDLEY who is quivering from the cold]
Petunia: My poor little popsickle duddy-wuddy-fuddy-kins!
Dudley: I am so cold, you better feed me quick or I shall surely perish!
Harry: Un-likely!
[VERNON clasps HARRY by the hair and drags him to his door]
Vernon: What happened?
Harry: Well, it was really funny, Dudley teased me so I....
Vernon: I KNOW what happened, how did it happen?
Harry: Beats me, kind of like magic though 'init?
Vernon: There's no such thing as magic! Except of course if you count the kind that your ruddy parents practiced!
Harry: HUH?
Vernon: Never mind! Go to your room while I growl at you from the grate!
[The next day, an OMNIOUS OWL sits on the roof]
[CUT TO. HARRY goes to the door to get the MAIL]
Harry: Oooh look, a letter for me! Maybe it's the thigh master I ordered off late night TV!
[He walks into the KITCHEN where the DURSLEYS are sitting.]
Dudley: Look! Harry's got a letter!
Harry: How can you even tell what a letter is you dimwitted...
[The DURSLEYS ignore HARRY. DUDLEY grabs the LETTER off HARRY]
Harry: wow, you can move pretty quick for a huge fat...
[VERNON now has the LETTER,]
Vernon: as if anyone would be writing to you, doesn't Ron use the telephone now?
Harry: Ron? Ron who?
[VERNON turns the LETTER over and sees THE HOGWARTS CREST]
Vernon: [off hand] Never mind...no one will write to you next year either, but that won't be your fault, or in your fifth year! That's right, the whole 'Order' thing...
[PETUNIA jabs VERNON in the ribs]
Vernon: Ah! I mean...well...don't worry!
Harry: What order? What fifth year?
[CUT TO. Another OMNIOUS OWL delivers a LETTER and goes to sit beside two more OWLS]
[VERNON is drilling the letterbox shut]
Harry: Hmm, I wonder why he doesn't want me to get those letters?
[CUT TO. VERNON and PETUNIA outside as VERNON goes to work]
Petunia: Bye, bye my scrummy-yummy-husby-wusby...ooh look Vernon! More Owls!
[Sure enough there are a HECK LOAD of owls]
Vernon: Owl post again, and again! (see bottom of page)
[CUT TO. Sunday, Everyone inside, HARRY hands out cookies]
Harry: Hope you choke on them you filthy fat...What's that about Sundays being good Uncle?
Dudley: You tell me, cause I have no idea what he's on about!
Harry: Is it because of the 'no post' thing?
Petunia: [under her breath] no normal post, but Owls aren't particularly normal are they...?
Vernon: Right you are Harry! No post!
Petunia:...no, no normal post, but maybe still some owls...
[A SHAPE flies past the window]
Harry: Hmm, that looked like an owl, but...
Vernon: sings no mail today, my love has gone away...
[A LETTER flies down the CHIMNEY and hits VERNON in the face]
Vernon: What?
[ANOTHER LETTER hits him on the face]
Vernon: Hmm?
[THOUSANDS OF LETTERS start bursting out of the chimney]
Vernon: Oh.
[HARRY races after all the LETTERS. He manages (after some surprising difficulty) to get ONE]
Vernon: No! You can't get it that easy! I want to meet Hagrid!
[HARRY stops midway down the HALL]
Harry: Who's Hagrid?
Vernon: Err...nevermind!
[He lunges for the Letter]
Harry: Uh uh fatso!
[Harry runs off but Vernon catches him around the waist]
Vernon: We're going far, far away, where no one can find us!
Dudley: Yay, France again!
Vernon: Somewhere where I can still speak the language!
Dudley: Yay, Wales!
Harry: Dudley, use your brain...
Dudley: Rock in the middle of the ocean?
Vernon: Too right!
Dudley: Daddy's gone bonkers...
Harry: I could have told you that years ago.
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(A nice Azkaban reference if ever I saw one!)
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Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone – or as I like to call it, The Big Red Stone That Everyone Wants But No One Can Find Unless You Are An 11 Year Old Wizard Newbie
[The DURLEYS arrive HOME, PETUNIA is holding DUDLEY who is quivering from the cold]
Petunia: My poor little popsickle duddy-wuddy-fuddy-kins!
Dudley: I am so cold, you better feed me quick or I shall surely perish!
Harry: Un-likely!
[VERNON clasps HARRY by the hair and drags him to his door]
Vernon: What happened?
Harry: Well, it was really funny, Dudley teased me so I....
Vernon: I KNOW what happened, how did it happen?
Harry: Beats me, kind of like magic though 'init?
Vernon: There's no such thing as magic! Except of course if you count the kind that your ruddy parents practiced!
Harry: HUH?
Vernon: Never mind! Go to your room while I growl at you from the grate!
[The next day, an OMNIOUS OWL sits on the roof]
[CUT TO. HARRY goes to the door to get the MAIL]
Harry: Oooh look, a letter for me! Maybe it's the thigh master I ordered off late night TV!
[He walks into the KITCHEN where the DURSLEYS are sitting.]
Dudley: Look! Harry's got a letter!
Harry: How can you even tell what a letter is you dimwitted...
[The DURSLEYS ignore HARRY. DUDLEY grabs the LETTER off HARRY]
Harry: wow, you can move pretty quick for a huge fat...
[VERNON now has the LETTER,]
Vernon: as if anyone would be writing to you, doesn't Ron use the telephone now?
Harry: Ron? Ron who?
[VERNON turns the LETTER over and sees THE HOGWARTS CREST]
Vernon: [off hand] Never mind...no one will write to you next year either, but that won't be your fault, or in your fifth year! That's right, the whole 'Order' thing...
[PETUNIA jabs VERNON in the ribs]
Vernon: Ah! I mean...well...don't worry!
Harry: What order? What fifth year?
[CUT TO. Another OMNIOUS OWL delivers a LETTER and goes to sit beside two more OWLS]
[VERNON is drilling the letterbox shut]
Harry: Hmm, I wonder why he doesn't want me to get those letters?
[CUT TO. VERNON and PETUNIA outside as VERNON goes to work]
Petunia: Bye, bye my scrummy-yummy-husby-wusby...ooh look Vernon! More Owls!
[Sure enough there are a HECK LOAD of owls]
Vernon: Owl post again, and again! (see bottom of page)
[CUT TO. Sunday, Everyone inside, HARRY hands out cookies]
Harry: Hope you choke on them you filthy fat...What's that about Sundays being good Uncle?
Dudley: You tell me, cause I have no idea what he's on about!
Harry: Is it because of the 'no post' thing?
Petunia: [under her breath] no normal post, but Owls aren't particularly normal are they...?
Vernon: Right you are Harry! No post!
Petunia:...no, no normal post, but maybe still some owls...
[A SHAPE flies past the window]
Harry: Hmm, that looked like an owl, but...
Vernon: sings no mail today, my love has gone away...
[A LETTER flies down the CHIMNEY and hits VERNON in the face]
Vernon: What?
[ANOTHER LETTER hits him on the face]
Vernon: Hmm?
[THOUSANDS OF LETTERS start bursting out of the chimney]
Vernon: Oh.
[HARRY races after all the LETTERS. He manages (after some surprising difficulty) to get ONE]
Vernon: No! You can't get it that easy! I want to meet Hagrid!
[HARRY stops midway down the HALL]
Harry: Who's Hagrid?
Vernon: Err...nevermind!
[He lunges for the Letter]
Harry: Uh uh fatso!
[Harry runs off but Vernon catches him around the waist]
Vernon: We're going far, far away, where no one can find us!
Dudley: Yay, France again!
Vernon: Somewhere where I can still speak the language!
Dudley: Yay, Wales!
Harry: Dudley, use your brain...
Dudley: Rock in the middle of the ocean?
Vernon: Too right!
Dudley: Daddy's gone bonkers...
Harry: I could have told you that years ago.
-----------------------------------------------
(A nice Azkaban reference if ever I saw one!)