Title: A Weave Undone
Author: Anotolia
Rating: G - PG13
Story: Deep down Daryll knows he's been played.
Disclaimer: I don't own Charmed and no profit will be made from this.
"Bless me Father for I have sinned..." The kneeler beneath Dayrll's knees is hard any padding having worn away from years of service, "it has been five years since my last confession." He hadn't been since just before his wedding to Sheila. "These are my sins." But now no words will come, he can't force them past his throat.
"My son are you alright?" The priests voice is soft and diffused seeming to drift from the other side of the confessional. His accent the cop in Daryll can't help noting is pure Northeast, harsh and grating.
"I...I don't know." Daryll answers honestly. "You're going to think I'm insane."
"That isn't for me to judge. Bear your soul, confess your sins, the Lords forgiveness is there for all who truly repent.
Daryll takes a deep shuddering breath. "Do you believe in magic father."
"I believe that all life is magical."
"No," Daryll snorts, "real magic, witches and warlocks, demons and whitelighters. I was accused of murder." It comes out in a rush; he has to be confusing the priest and he's thankful that the Confessional is sacrosanct, that no matter what the Priest can't tell anyone else what he's said. "I sat on death row for what seemed like years."
"You were innocent." It wasn't a question.
"Yes." Daryll felt like screaming that from the rooftops. Every night he dreamt of that dark cell, the smell of it and the cold feel of it. "I was an officer of the law, I took a vow to protect the innocent, to uphold justice."
"Did you fear for your soul?"
Every night Sheila clings to him in her sleep. "No, I feared for my family." Sheila never used to cling.
"I don't remember a case like that in the papers." The priest voice is still low and non-judgmental. Daryll understood though. Cops getting arrested for murder made the news everywhere. A cop getting arrested convicted and then found to be innocent just before execution would be on the front page of every newspaper and playing 24-7 on Fox and CNN.
"Magic made it happen...magic made it not happen."
"Witches and warlocks and demons..."
"Yes." Every morning Sheila whispers the same words to him a validation, a confirmation that he's doing the right thing in turning away from the Sisters, but her eyes never seem to meet his or maybe his can't meet hers. "I know you don't believe me, must think I'm insane, but I had to say this out loud to someone. Just once I needed speak the words."
"Did you believe that God turned away from you?"
Daryll hesitates, has to feel his way through the question, he'd never really thought about it that way. "Yes."
"Do you believe that these beings are godly?" Another question, this Priest must be a Jesuit.
"No, Father, no. Powerful yes, godly...absolutely not." Even the Elders, Daryll had long ago concluded, though they might be a force for good, weren't Gods.
"That's good. I rather doubt you're in the mood to be lectured on the dangers of Icons and false gods."
That forces a laugh out of Daryll. "I'm not really in the mood to be lectured period."
"Have you turned away from God?" The tone of the priest's voice is gentle but the question hangs in the air as if shouted.
"No not from God, I haven't turned away from God...I turned away from the magic. From the people with the magic who need my help, from the innocents they protect." Daryll knows that this is the worst thing he's done. He knows that the powers-that-be higher, lower and supposedly neutral got what they wanted. They made him turn away from the Sisters, turn away from his friends. He knows this and still he can't make himself go back.
"So your sin is selfishness."
"Yes."
"And..."
"Anger, I'm so angry Father over what happened and... and cowardice, the sin of cowardice for backing away and--"
"So your sin is being human?"
"Father..."
"Anger is human, fear is human, grief is human...shame is human. These things, these very human emotions may lead to sin, but in and of themselves they are not sinful."
"I turned my back on them Father, isn't that a sin?"
"I don't know. What do you think, deep down do you think you've committed a sin?"
"I...I..." Daryll wasn't sure. Taking a deep breath he tried to push through the pain to gain some distance, some perspective. It wasn't just the nightmare scenario of being framed by the cleaners; it was everything that had taken place over the last year. Leo abandoning Piper for the so called greater good of being an Elder, Phoebe and Paige stealing his soul, the way the Sisters seemed more focussed on their own personal problems than the innocents they were supposed to protect, Elders and Demons sitting on the tribunal together to determine whether he should live or die. And what the hell was that about anyway, Good and Evil working together and the cleaners...if the cleaners were neutral then he was the Pope. There were so many other ways that they could have dealt with the tape it wasn't funny. "I don't know."
"I can't absolve you of a sin or sins you haven't committed."
"So a dozen Hail Mary's and Our Father's aren't going to take care of my problem." Now Daryll could feel his exhaustion creeping back, he was sick of it all.
"I'm afraid not. Sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to put ourselves first. You shouldn't give into despair though for what's been torn apart can often times be remade, re-woven into something stronger. Have you considered getting some help? Some professional help to deal with these feelings."
"I'd never be able to explain they'd lock me up and throw away the key. I'd lose my job." His job was one of the only things he couldn't stand to lose, his job, Sheila and their son. He could still protect innocents through his work even if he couldn't bring himself to aid the Sisters.
"I see. You could perhaps fudge the details a bit. I imagine your profession must have some programs to help police officers deal with job stress."
"Yeah." He'd never really taken part in them though, not even after Andy's death. Hell, that alone would be enough to get him into one no questions asked. The loss of a partner was something no cop took lightly, even if a few years had passed since it had happened. "I'll think about it."
Now there was only silence between them. Daryll didn't exactly feel better, but he didn't feel worse and he had some things to think about. At least he wasn't going to have to stumble his way through the Act of Contrition it had been a while since he'd had to recite it from memory. "Thanks Father."
"Your welcome. I don't believe that there are any more parishioners waiting for the sacrament of Confession."
"I may have timed it so that I was the last." Daryll admitted.
"I thought you might have. Would you like to come back to the rectory with me? My assistant will have a pot of fresh coffee waiting and we could talk some more."
"I think I'd like that."
Author: Anotolia
Rating: G - PG13
Story: Deep down Daryll knows he's been played.
Disclaimer: I don't own Charmed and no profit will be made from this.
"Bless me Father for I have sinned..." The kneeler beneath Dayrll's knees is hard any padding having worn away from years of service, "it has been five years since my last confession." He hadn't been since just before his wedding to Sheila. "These are my sins." But now no words will come, he can't force them past his throat.
"My son are you alright?" The priests voice is soft and diffused seeming to drift from the other side of the confessional. His accent the cop in Daryll can't help noting is pure Northeast, harsh and grating.
"I...I don't know." Daryll answers honestly. "You're going to think I'm insane."
"That isn't for me to judge. Bear your soul, confess your sins, the Lords forgiveness is there for all who truly repent.
Daryll takes a deep shuddering breath. "Do you believe in magic father."
"I believe that all life is magical."
"No," Daryll snorts, "real magic, witches and warlocks, demons and whitelighters. I was accused of murder." It comes out in a rush; he has to be confusing the priest and he's thankful that the Confessional is sacrosanct, that no matter what the Priest can't tell anyone else what he's said. "I sat on death row for what seemed like years."
"You were innocent." It wasn't a question.
"Yes." Daryll felt like screaming that from the rooftops. Every night he dreamt of that dark cell, the smell of it and the cold feel of it. "I was an officer of the law, I took a vow to protect the innocent, to uphold justice."
"Did you fear for your soul?"
Every night Sheila clings to him in her sleep. "No, I feared for my family." Sheila never used to cling.
"I don't remember a case like that in the papers." The priest voice is still low and non-judgmental. Daryll understood though. Cops getting arrested for murder made the news everywhere. A cop getting arrested convicted and then found to be innocent just before execution would be on the front page of every newspaper and playing 24-7 on Fox and CNN.
"Magic made it happen...magic made it not happen."
"Witches and warlocks and demons..."
"Yes." Every morning Sheila whispers the same words to him a validation, a confirmation that he's doing the right thing in turning away from the Sisters, but her eyes never seem to meet his or maybe his can't meet hers. "I know you don't believe me, must think I'm insane, but I had to say this out loud to someone. Just once I needed speak the words."
"Did you believe that God turned away from you?"
Daryll hesitates, has to feel his way through the question, he'd never really thought about it that way. "Yes."
"Do you believe that these beings are godly?" Another question, this Priest must be a Jesuit.
"No, Father, no. Powerful yes, godly...absolutely not." Even the Elders, Daryll had long ago concluded, though they might be a force for good, weren't Gods.
"That's good. I rather doubt you're in the mood to be lectured on the dangers of Icons and false gods."
That forces a laugh out of Daryll. "I'm not really in the mood to be lectured period."
"Have you turned away from God?" The tone of the priest's voice is gentle but the question hangs in the air as if shouted.
"No not from God, I haven't turned away from God...I turned away from the magic. From the people with the magic who need my help, from the innocents they protect." Daryll knows that this is the worst thing he's done. He knows that the powers-that-be higher, lower and supposedly neutral got what they wanted. They made him turn away from the Sisters, turn away from his friends. He knows this and still he can't make himself go back.
"So your sin is selfishness."
"Yes."
"And..."
"Anger, I'm so angry Father over what happened and... and cowardice, the sin of cowardice for backing away and--"
"So your sin is being human?"
"Father..."
"Anger is human, fear is human, grief is human...shame is human. These things, these very human emotions may lead to sin, but in and of themselves they are not sinful."
"I turned my back on them Father, isn't that a sin?"
"I don't know. What do you think, deep down do you think you've committed a sin?"
"I...I..." Daryll wasn't sure. Taking a deep breath he tried to push through the pain to gain some distance, some perspective. It wasn't just the nightmare scenario of being framed by the cleaners; it was everything that had taken place over the last year. Leo abandoning Piper for the so called greater good of being an Elder, Phoebe and Paige stealing his soul, the way the Sisters seemed more focussed on their own personal problems than the innocents they were supposed to protect, Elders and Demons sitting on the tribunal together to determine whether he should live or die. And what the hell was that about anyway, Good and Evil working together and the cleaners...if the cleaners were neutral then he was the Pope. There were so many other ways that they could have dealt with the tape it wasn't funny. "I don't know."
"I can't absolve you of a sin or sins you haven't committed."
"So a dozen Hail Mary's and Our Father's aren't going to take care of my problem." Now Daryll could feel his exhaustion creeping back, he was sick of it all.
"I'm afraid not. Sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to put ourselves first. You shouldn't give into despair though for what's been torn apart can often times be remade, re-woven into something stronger. Have you considered getting some help? Some professional help to deal with these feelings."
"I'd never be able to explain they'd lock me up and throw away the key. I'd lose my job." His job was one of the only things he couldn't stand to lose, his job, Sheila and their son. He could still protect innocents through his work even if he couldn't bring himself to aid the Sisters.
"I see. You could perhaps fudge the details a bit. I imagine your profession must have some programs to help police officers deal with job stress."
"Yeah." He'd never really taken part in them though, not even after Andy's death. Hell, that alone would be enough to get him into one no questions asked. The loss of a partner was something no cop took lightly, even if a few years had passed since it had happened. "I'll think about it."
Now there was only silence between them. Daryll didn't exactly feel better, but he didn't feel worse and he had some things to think about. At least he wasn't going to have to stumble his way through the Act of Contrition it had been a while since he'd had to recite it from memory. "Thanks Father."
"Your welcome. I don't believe that there are any more parishioners waiting for the sacrament of Confession."
"I may have timed it so that I was the last." Daryll admitted.
"I thought you might have. Would you like to come back to the rectory with me? My assistant will have a pot of fresh coffee waiting and we could talk some more."
"I think I'd like that."