Spaceman Spiff
The dust settled as he jumped down from the landing pod. There was a desert of dry, cavernous ground for as far as the eye could see. A few craters and dips in the surface were the only mars in the otherwise perfect landscape. A few boulders dotted the area here and there. There didn't seem to be a single living being anywhere in sight. The young man, outfitted with a white protective space suit and helmet and the best ray gun money could buy, (taxpayers' money, that is), slowly surveyed the surroundings. Although everything seemed to be at rest, he knew he couldn't afford to lower his guard. It would soon begin. The sound of alarm would ring like a bell and it would be on him. The creature would savagely attack him without warning and without mercy. He began walking forward to closely examine some rock formations.
He had just reached a boulder marking the entrance to the nearest crater when it happened. The attack came from out of nowhere. The monstrous alien came from behind and towered over the space explorer with a menacing glare. The creature stood a height of approximately ten feet, with a humanoid form bathed in dark green skin and decidedly wizened facial features. The creature, snarling and drooling all the while, roared in triumph as it swung a mighty arm and knocked the young man backward into the crater. With a strangled cry, he tumbled over and over, rolling in a mass of outcroppings and rocky terrain until his bruised body finally came to a stop at the bottom. Though shaken and sores notwithstanding, the bold explorer stood up and dusted the dust off. The space suit had taken some lumps, but it had performed its job and had done it well. He could detect no broken bones or other serious injuries. He narrowed his gaze to stare at his antagonist and a wicked glint shone in his eyes as he carefully removed his trusty Molecular Disruptor Ray 3000 and took careful aim at the hideous beast.
The giant being flailed its arms in pain as he hit it dead on at the solar plexus. With a cry of rage, the alien creature began to pursue him into the crater. The young adventurer calmly fired his ray again into the side of the alien. It howled with pain, but continued on its downward course. After firing two more shots and only slowing the creature momentarily, the brave space explorer lost some of his temerity and with a terrified scream, began running as fast as he could up the other side of the crater. Alas, he was not quick enough. Just as he cleared the edge of the crater, the alien was right behind him and snatched him up. He began desperately hacking at the creature's arms that held him captive. The alien lifted him towards its mouth and everything went black.
Before his eyes, he saw the scenery change around him. The hacking motion he had been making against the alien's arm turned into a hacking motion of his arm as he cut down tall green grass with a machete. All of a sudden, he was in the deep dark jungles of Africa, clothed in a khaki shirt and shorts outfit, with a white pith helmet to top it all off. He kept chopping down tall grass blades and vines as his eyes focused on a clearing up ahead. He panted some in the hot sun as he continued his task. He slapped at his leg to ward off bugs attracted to his sweaty legs. He wiped his brow with the midriff of his arm and trudged on. After some hundred- odd more paces, he finally reached his destination.
In the clearing, he wearily sank to the ground to rest his tired body for a spell of time. After a few minutes of resting and regrouping, he got up and continued with his plan. He had a tasty treat with him to use for bait and somehow he knew his next move was to spring a trap for the ferocious tiger that he knew prowled somewhere nearby. He carefully pulled out the length of rope he had dangling from his belt and set up a snare for the tiger. As soon as he finished, he went off to hide and lie in wait in some nearby bushes. He knew the tiger would be along any minute now. After maintaining his position for some minutes (three, actually), he was rewarded for his patience. The tiger hungrily sniffed the air as it came lumbering toward the well-hidden snare. One bite of the bait and the trap was set. The hunter came out of his hiding place and laughed with glee at his prize. An orange, furry tiger hung by one foot from a rope tied to a banana tree, happily munching on a tuna fish sandwich. They're kind of stupid that way.
Suddenly, as the hunter gazed at his bounty, he was attacked from behind. A ravenous lion leaped from out of the surrounding bushes and tackled him. He was knocked to the ground, barely escaping with nothing more than a slashed shirt. He wouldn't be so lucky next time. The hunter grabbed his machete and began striking out at the lion's paws. He howled in pain as the lion laid out cross stitch patterns in blood upon his back. He kept trying to spear the lion through the chest, but was unable to get close enough as the lion kept pushing his arms away. Just as the lion swooped his head down for the kill, the hunter found himself blacking out again.
When he awoke this time, he found himself staring out across the vast expanse of New York City. As he looked down at the street far below, he could see people as tiny as ants running away as fast as they could in fright. He saw small structures sprouting out of the ground that looked to be about as tall as 5 Legos stacked on top of each other. He saw many colorful Micro Machines dotting the landscape. He roared in ecstasy as he trampled buildings with but a step of his mighty foot. His light green skin stood out against the tan offices. On his right, he saw another giant- sized creature coming his way. A bright orange gorilla barreled its way through the streets, smashing vehicles and high rise towers as it went. Together, the two of them continued to wreak havoc upon the scared citizens below them, even as the people tried to scurry out of the way. Nobody could escape their rage as they continued on their rampage.
A distant sound of buzzing flies in their ears caused them both to swivel their heads behind them. A swarm of military helicopters flew straight at them in a (most likely suicidal) bombing run. The two creatures swatted at these annoyances with their meaty paws and viciously kicked their legs as they felt tiny pricks of ant bites, in the form of tanks, hand grenades, and bazookas. As the two creatures howled in sheer delight, another larger beast arrived to stop them. This being was beset with sunken cheeks, drooping eyelids, and a graying hairline. Though obviously advanced in years, it still had the body and strength of a Rancor beast. It thrust out its grotesque claws and scratched at the orange gorilla. It slapped at the primate and knocked it over, sending it flying backwards into a nearby empty parking lot. (In New York City? Yeah, right!) (Okay, so it was a crowded parking garage, with miles of cars stacked on top of each other) Then the Rancor beast turned its attention to the other Jurassic creature. The two animals grasped each other in a rough embrace, each trying to bring the other down for the kill. The two scraped and clawed and bit at each other, taking their licks and continuing the fight with renewed fervor. As the cataclysmic showdown came to its peak, the Rancor gave the dinosaur one last infuriated slash of its claws, and the green giant found himself spinning into blackness once more.
As he continued to turn in confusion, he eventually slowly opened his eyes to the weary gaze of an elderly lady wearing a yellow dress dotted with polka dots. The tow-headed little boy with spiky hair slowly came to the realization that he was in a class (not an English class!) and that he had apparently missed whatever question had been asked of him. He looked around at his classmates and then to the blackboard for any kind of clue. He saw a math problem written on the board, the last in a series of problems, all of which had been solved except for this one. He concentrated hard on the mystifying question of why he should ever be expected to know that four added to three equaled seven. As he began to attempt an answer, the school bell rang, and he was off for the weekend, saved by the bell. As the teacher hurriedly jumped back behind her desk to avoid the stampede of children madly screaming and rushing for the door, the boy quickly gathered his things into his bag, grabbed an object from under his desk and scampered out of the room toward the door. The teacher sat down at the desk and sighed, glad to be through with another week of teaching. As the little boy rounded the doorway, she was almost certain she could hear a certain orange, striped tiger talking to the boy, both laughing merrily as they raced out the door.
The dust settled as he jumped down from the landing pod. There was a desert of dry, cavernous ground for as far as the eye could see. A few craters and dips in the surface were the only mars in the otherwise perfect landscape. A few boulders dotted the area here and there. There didn't seem to be a single living being anywhere in sight. The young man, outfitted with a white protective space suit and helmet and the best ray gun money could buy, (taxpayers' money, that is), slowly surveyed the surroundings. Although everything seemed to be at rest, he knew he couldn't afford to lower his guard. It would soon begin. The sound of alarm would ring like a bell and it would be on him. The creature would savagely attack him without warning and without mercy. He began walking forward to closely examine some rock formations.
He had just reached a boulder marking the entrance to the nearest crater when it happened. The attack came from out of nowhere. The monstrous alien came from behind and towered over the space explorer with a menacing glare. The creature stood a height of approximately ten feet, with a humanoid form bathed in dark green skin and decidedly wizened facial features. The creature, snarling and drooling all the while, roared in triumph as it swung a mighty arm and knocked the young man backward into the crater. With a strangled cry, he tumbled over and over, rolling in a mass of outcroppings and rocky terrain until his bruised body finally came to a stop at the bottom. Though shaken and sores notwithstanding, the bold explorer stood up and dusted the dust off. The space suit had taken some lumps, but it had performed its job and had done it well. He could detect no broken bones or other serious injuries. He narrowed his gaze to stare at his antagonist and a wicked glint shone in his eyes as he carefully removed his trusty Molecular Disruptor Ray 3000 and took careful aim at the hideous beast.
The giant being flailed its arms in pain as he hit it dead on at the solar plexus. With a cry of rage, the alien creature began to pursue him into the crater. The young adventurer calmly fired his ray again into the side of the alien. It howled with pain, but continued on its downward course. After firing two more shots and only slowing the creature momentarily, the brave space explorer lost some of his temerity and with a terrified scream, began running as fast as he could up the other side of the crater. Alas, he was not quick enough. Just as he cleared the edge of the crater, the alien was right behind him and snatched him up. He began desperately hacking at the creature's arms that held him captive. The alien lifted him towards its mouth and everything went black.
Before his eyes, he saw the scenery change around him. The hacking motion he had been making against the alien's arm turned into a hacking motion of his arm as he cut down tall green grass with a machete. All of a sudden, he was in the deep dark jungles of Africa, clothed in a khaki shirt and shorts outfit, with a white pith helmet to top it all off. He kept chopping down tall grass blades and vines as his eyes focused on a clearing up ahead. He panted some in the hot sun as he continued his task. He slapped at his leg to ward off bugs attracted to his sweaty legs. He wiped his brow with the midriff of his arm and trudged on. After some hundred- odd more paces, he finally reached his destination.
In the clearing, he wearily sank to the ground to rest his tired body for a spell of time. After a few minutes of resting and regrouping, he got up and continued with his plan. He had a tasty treat with him to use for bait and somehow he knew his next move was to spring a trap for the ferocious tiger that he knew prowled somewhere nearby. He carefully pulled out the length of rope he had dangling from his belt and set up a snare for the tiger. As soon as he finished, he went off to hide and lie in wait in some nearby bushes. He knew the tiger would be along any minute now. After maintaining his position for some minutes (three, actually), he was rewarded for his patience. The tiger hungrily sniffed the air as it came lumbering toward the well-hidden snare. One bite of the bait and the trap was set. The hunter came out of his hiding place and laughed with glee at his prize. An orange, furry tiger hung by one foot from a rope tied to a banana tree, happily munching on a tuna fish sandwich. They're kind of stupid that way.
Suddenly, as the hunter gazed at his bounty, he was attacked from behind. A ravenous lion leaped from out of the surrounding bushes and tackled him. He was knocked to the ground, barely escaping with nothing more than a slashed shirt. He wouldn't be so lucky next time. The hunter grabbed his machete and began striking out at the lion's paws. He howled in pain as the lion laid out cross stitch patterns in blood upon his back. He kept trying to spear the lion through the chest, but was unable to get close enough as the lion kept pushing his arms away. Just as the lion swooped his head down for the kill, the hunter found himself blacking out again.
When he awoke this time, he found himself staring out across the vast expanse of New York City. As he looked down at the street far below, he could see people as tiny as ants running away as fast as they could in fright. He saw small structures sprouting out of the ground that looked to be about as tall as 5 Legos stacked on top of each other. He saw many colorful Micro Machines dotting the landscape. He roared in ecstasy as he trampled buildings with but a step of his mighty foot. His light green skin stood out against the tan offices. On his right, he saw another giant- sized creature coming his way. A bright orange gorilla barreled its way through the streets, smashing vehicles and high rise towers as it went. Together, the two of them continued to wreak havoc upon the scared citizens below them, even as the people tried to scurry out of the way. Nobody could escape their rage as they continued on their rampage.
A distant sound of buzzing flies in their ears caused them both to swivel their heads behind them. A swarm of military helicopters flew straight at them in a (most likely suicidal) bombing run. The two creatures swatted at these annoyances with their meaty paws and viciously kicked their legs as they felt tiny pricks of ant bites, in the form of tanks, hand grenades, and bazookas. As the two creatures howled in sheer delight, another larger beast arrived to stop them. This being was beset with sunken cheeks, drooping eyelids, and a graying hairline. Though obviously advanced in years, it still had the body and strength of a Rancor beast. It thrust out its grotesque claws and scratched at the orange gorilla. It slapped at the primate and knocked it over, sending it flying backwards into a nearby empty parking lot. (In New York City? Yeah, right!) (Okay, so it was a crowded parking garage, with miles of cars stacked on top of each other) Then the Rancor beast turned its attention to the other Jurassic creature. The two animals grasped each other in a rough embrace, each trying to bring the other down for the kill. The two scraped and clawed and bit at each other, taking their licks and continuing the fight with renewed fervor. As the cataclysmic showdown came to its peak, the Rancor gave the dinosaur one last infuriated slash of its claws, and the green giant found himself spinning into blackness once more.
As he continued to turn in confusion, he eventually slowly opened his eyes to the weary gaze of an elderly lady wearing a yellow dress dotted with polka dots. The tow-headed little boy with spiky hair slowly came to the realization that he was in a class (not an English class!) and that he had apparently missed whatever question had been asked of him. He looked around at his classmates and then to the blackboard for any kind of clue. He saw a math problem written on the board, the last in a series of problems, all of which had been solved except for this one. He concentrated hard on the mystifying question of why he should ever be expected to know that four added to three equaled seven. As he began to attempt an answer, the school bell rang, and he was off for the weekend, saved by the bell. As the teacher hurriedly jumped back behind her desk to avoid the stampede of children madly screaming and rushing for the door, the boy quickly gathered his things into his bag, grabbed an object from under his desk and scampered out of the room toward the door. The teacher sat down at the desk and sighed, glad to be through with another week of teaching. As the little boy rounded the doorway, she was almost certain she could hear a certain orange, striped tiger talking to the boy, both laughing merrily as they raced out the door.