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Chapter Sixteen: The Decision
"What?" he gasped. "Monica, are you crazy? What are you saying?"
"Chandler," she sighed. "I was talking to this woman today; her brother gave her a piece of his liver the other week. And, Chandler....he died. Some complication from the surgery."
"So?" Chandler pressed.
"So, Chandler, what would happen if you died? I couldn't do that! You have a daughter! I can't take away her only living parent."
Monica's words hit Chandler like a bullet. Audrey's only living parent. He'd always sworn he'd do what was best for her......was this best? "Mon, I-" he stuttered, unable to come up with an answer.
"Chandler, please," she said quietly. "I just.....you need to think about this. I know I can't let you.....you've just got to figure out if you can let yourself."
"But, I.....I, Mon, you can't die," he sputtered.
"Chandler, just......go, okay? Go see Audrey, and think about what I said. You're the only one who can tell Dr. Matthew what you want to do. You haven't signed the papers yet."
Monica was right.....he hadn't signed them yet. Which left him with dilemma he never thought he'd face:
His daughter versus Monica.
Chandler ambled along the New York street, no particular destination in mind. Just walking, wondering.....crying inside.
He couldn't let Monica die, that was for sure. He couldn't stand by, knowing he had the ability to save her and not do anything about it. If he'd been a single guy with no attachments, that would've been fine. But he wasn't. He had a daughter, who already had one dead parent. He couldn't make her an orphan.
He coughed back oncoming tears and let himself think back to the first day he'd brought Audrey home.....
Chandler Bing choked back his sobs as he gazed at his newborn baby girl. "What a gorgeous girl you are," he murmured as he rocked her in his arms. "What a gorgeous girl. Just like your mommy, you know that?"
The baby whimpered a bit, and Chandler gently fed her her bottle. He shook his head, realizing something. "Audrey baby....you shouldn't have to be eating like this. Your mommy should be feeding you....I'm so sorry she's not here, sweetie. So very sorry."
The baby burped, and even though Chandler knew she had no idea what he was saying, he continued. "Audrey Bing," he whispered. "I'm so sorry you don't have a mommy. But I'm gonna make it up to you. I'm gonna be the best daddy in the world."
The best daddy in the world. For years, with every action he took, those words rung in his head. He'd always followed them. Was he now?
Chandler had had no idea where to go once Monica had kicked him out. So he'd come here, to the cemetery. To Michelle's grave.
He didn't come here very often. He came every year on her birthday, of course, but coming on the anniversary of her death wasn't something he wished to do; that day was Audrey's birthday and he didn't want to ruin it for her like that. But there were a few more occasions when he came....times when he had to make decisions about Audrey, which school to send her to, whether or not to let her go on her first sleepover....those sorts of things. He almost laughed, at the irony of it.
He'd thought those were crucial decisions, but now he had to decide whether or not to leave her. Talk about crucial. "God, when did my life get like this," he muttered, head in his hands. "Two months ago, I was deciding which size fries to buy at McDonald's!"
He sighed and plopped down in front of Michelle's grave stone.
Michelle Breanne Forrest
Beloved daughter, student and friend
1976-1995
Chandler sniffed back a few stray tears as he brushed his fingers over the dates between her birth and death. Nineteen years, he thought to himself. Just nineteen years. He never told people, but in many ways, he still felt a bit guilty for Michelle's death; for shortening her promising life to only nineteen years. The only way he'd ever be able to make up for that was by raising Audrey the right way.....so how could he leave her?
But at the same time, how could he take Monica from her? And from him? Audrey adored Monica with all her heart.....Monica was the mother she'd never had. It would be like taking Michelle away from Audrey....again.
He shook his head, trying not to break down. His efforts were to no avail. Finally, he threw his head into his hands and sobbed.
He didn't know how long he'd been crying for when he suddenly felt a gentle hand laid on his shoulder. Wiping tears away from his eyes, he looked up, and sucked in his breath. "Tricia?" he whispered as he stared straight into the eyes of Michelle's mother, someone he hadn't seen for almost six years.
"Hi, Chandler," Tricia whispered, sitting down next to him by the gravestone. "What are you doing here?"
"It's just.....well, sometimes I come here just to say hi, and to....think," he said finally, giving her the simplest answer.
Tricia chuckled. "Yeah," she murmured. "I do that sometimes, too. Makes me glad we chose such a private place to bury her."
Chandler nodded. "I, uh, I'm sorry for crying like that, it's just...."
Tricia put out a hand to shush him. "Chandler, it's been almost six years, but I cry too sometimes."
"I guess the pain never really goes away, does it?" Chandler asked softly.
"I guess so," Tricia sighed.
"For what it's worth," Chandler bit his lip. "I'm still sorry."
Tricia shook her head. "No, Chandler, I am. I know....I know you think I blamed you for all of this, and in the beginning I did, too. But it wasn't your fault, or the baby's fault, that she died. I just.....once I got to blaming you, it was hard to stop. When I finally did, I guess I was just too prideful to call you," she smiled. "I don't think Michelle would be too proud of the way I've acted."
"You had every right to blame me," Chandler said. "Hell, I blamed me."
Another comforting hand touched his shoulder. "Don't," Tricia smiled. "How.....how's Audrey?"
Chandler grinned. "Amazing, beautiful, smart, funny......the spitting image of Michelle."
Tricia chuckled. "She always was, from day one. I.....I have kept all those pictures you've sent," she muttered. "She is beautiful. You've done a wonderful job with her."
Chandler shrugged. "I hope so......it's just....."
"Just what?"
Chandler tried to keep it all inside, but a second later, he found himself blurting out everything. Everything about Monica, how much he loved her, how much Audrey loved her. He told her about the transplant, and the risks, and how he couldn't break his promise to his daughter, and, inadvertently, to Michelle. Everything.
When he finished, Tricia was quiet for a long time. "Wow," she finally whispered. "That is.....quite a story."
"Yeah," Chandler said miserably. "It sure is."
Tricia was quiet again. "Chandler," she said after a long while. "Did Michelle ever tell you how her father died?"
Chandler shook his head. "It never came up, I guess."
"Well," Tricia sighed. "My husband died in a car wreck, Chandler. He was here one day, gone the next. We had no time to prepare for his death; we never knew it was coming. It just happened."
"I'm sorry," Chandler murmured. "My dad, well, he died pretty much the same way."
Tricia nodded. "I'm not trying to bring back bad memories for either of us, Chandler. That's not my point."
"Then what is?"
"I guess what I'm trying to say, Chandler is that.....well, either of us could die the second we get into our cars to go home today. We could die stepping off the curb tomorrow. There's absolutely no limits to the ways we could die, or when we could die.....there's just no telling."
"So what are you saying?"
"What I'm saying, Chandler," Tricia smiled. "Is that you could skip this transplant thing, and then die the next day on your way home from work. And then you'd be dead, and so would Monica. There's no telling whether or not you'll die in the surgery, Chandler.....but at least you'd be saving someone. And you know that Audrey would have people caring for her every day....numerous people, from what you've told me."
Chandler sighed. "You're right," he finally whispered. "But....what about my promise to Michelle?"
Tricia smiled. "Sweetie, from what you've told me of this Monica, Michelle probably would've loved her. And Michelle would never, ever be mad at you for trying to save another person's life. I can promise you that."
Chandler nodded slowly, taking in her words. It was then he knew that she was right. He stood up, and threw his arms around Tricia. It was then he knew what he had to do.
"Dr. Matthews!" Chandler shouted as he crashed into the office wing of the hospital. "Dr. Matthews, I need to talk to you!"
Keegan Matthews turned around. "Hey, Chandler. What's up?"
"I need.....to....sign....those forms," Chandler panted.
"Okay," Keegan said oddly. "What's the hurry?"
Chandler smiled and blurted out a formatted version. "Mon thought I was having doubts," he explained. "I want to prove to her that I'm not."
Keegan grinned. "Well, that's very noble of you, Chandler. If you want to sign the forms now, be my guest. Take a copy back to Monica, if you like."
Chandler nodded eagerly, and then paused, a grin filling his face as he got a wonderful idea.
"Mon?" Chandler said gently as he knocked on Monica's door. "Honey, can I come in now?"
Monica nodded, keeping her head down. "Mon," Chandler whispered, putting a finger under her chin and lifting it up. He gazed into her eyes, locked into her tearstained face. "We need to talk."
Monica looked at him and sighed. "Go ahead," she sniffled, putting her head back down as though she thought he was going to deliver bad news.
He smiled and lifted her chin back up. "Take a look at this," he whispered, dropping leather bound photo album into her lap. "And tell me what you think."
"But....what is-"
"Shhh," he put a finger to her lips. "Just look at it." He settled himself on the side of her bed as Monica began to turn the pages. She kept turning, looking at picture after picture of Audrey and Chandler grinning and mugging for the camera.
"When.....when did you take these?"
"The other day during your tests," Chandler replied. "But here-keep looking."
Monica shot him another strange look, but kept turning the pages. "She's so beautiful," she murmured, and then looking at Chandler, said, "You are, too." He smiled, and finally she reached the final page where there was not a photo but a piece of paper stuck into the slot. "What....what's this?" she whispered.
"Read it," he pressed.
"I, Chandler Bing, hereby agree to be a living organ donor for Monica Geller.....Chandler, these are the organ donation forms." He nodded, and she gasped. "You....you signed them?" she whispered.
"I did," he smiled. "I did."
"But Chandler....what about Audrey? What.....what if it kills you, Chandler?"
He smiled. "I went to Michelle's grave this morning, Mon.....and I ran into a friend there....an old friend. And she helped me see something. She helped me see that I'm doing this for you, Mon, no matter what."
"Well.....okay, then, I guess," Monica whispered, scared, but excited too.
"Yeah," Chandler leaned over to kiss her. "Okay."
Chandler sat on the edge of Audrey's bed, watching her sleep. He smiled; it was the night before the surgery and Monica had begged him to spend it with Audrey. Not that she'd had to beg very much.
Brushing a stray blond hair away from his daughter's tanned little face, he stroked her cheek and she yawned. "Daddy?" she whispered, her blue eyes opening.
"Baby-girl, you can go back to sleep. I was just watching you," Chandler smiled at her and kissed her forehead.
"Why ya watching?" Audrey asked.
Chandler grinned. "Because I love you," he said, tickling her cheek lightly.
Audrey smiled and giggled. "I love you too, Daddy."
"You know, Auds," Chandler said, his face turning serious. "Even....even if I'm not here one day, I will love you forever and forever. You know that right?"
"Why wouldn't you be here?" Audrey asked, concern rising in her voice.
"Well, baby girl.....unfortunately, we can never control what happens in this world. I would never, ever leave you, but sometimes....."
"People die," Audrey supplied wisely. "Like Mommy."
"Yeah, sweetheart," Chandler sighed sadly. "People die. Like Mommy. But.....you know how much your mother loves you from Heaven, right?"
Audrey nodded. Chandler had spent five years reiterating the fact that even though Michelle wasn't physically present, she had loved Audrey very much and still did. "Well," he continued. "If something....if something were ever to happen to me, baby, I would love you that much and more."
Audrey smiled. "Okay, Daddy," she said, her sleepy eyes beginning to droop.
Chandler leaned down to kiss her forehead one last time. "Go back to sleep, honey," he whispered. "I love you."
"Love you, too, Daddy," Audrey murmured, and her eyes closed.
Dr. Matthews hovered over Chandler in his wheelchair. "You all set, Chandler?" he asked.
"All set," Chandler nodded confidentially. "I do....I do get to say good-bye to Mon, though, right?"
Dr. Matthews nodded. "Of course," he smiled, and directed a nurse to wheel Chandler to his girlfriend's room.
"Hey, babe," Chandler whispered, his hand stroking Monica's cheek as she lay on the stretcher.
"Hey," she whispered softly. "Are you....going?"
"Yes," he smiled gently. "I am. But I'm gonna be right there when you wake up, okay? Dr. Matthews is going to put us in the exact same recovering room."
Monica nodded slowly. "I just.....Chandler, thank you," she finally whispered, tears already pooling in her baby blues.
"Anything," Chandler stroked her face. "For you. You know that."
She nodded. "I love you so much," she said.
"And for however much that is, I love you ten times more," he murmured, leaning down to kiss her softly. "Bye, Mon."
"Bye," she whispered as the nurse wheeled him off. She sighed and tried to hold back her tears as she watched the man she loved with all her life be wheeled away.....wondering if he would ever be wheeled back.
Okay, so there was one last cliffhanger; for that I'm sorry. But it had to end here....and you'll see why. There will be one last chapter....review and it will be posted sooner!