THE MILKMAN
SCENE A
OPENING CREDITS
Int. Nightclub
JERRY
Whatever happened to the milkman? You always see those old movies where a guy in a perfect blue suit walks up your house in the suburbs, places a bottle of milk on your doorstep. He doesn't even ask for money, he's like the tooth fairy of milk-giving. (pauses) I wonder if they ever have meetings in secret underground bases, where they just talk about giving out milk. "Ok milkmen, we have a problem. We've been giving out milk for 60 years and we haven't gotten any money yet! This underground base isn't going to pay for itself!"
ACT 2
SCENE B
Int. Jerry's Apt.
Jerry is sitting on the couch flipping through the channels on the TV. The door swings open and Kramer walks in wearing a suit. Jerry looks up in surprise at the suit.
JERRY
Hey. Looking sharp.
KRAMER
Oh, the suit. Pretty snazzy, huh.
JERRY
Where'd you get? Men's Warehouse.
KRAMER
Nope.
JERRY
Macy's
KRAMER
Way off.
JERRY
I give up. Where'd you get it?
KRAMER
The morgue.
JERRY
Oh dear Lord pull the cord. Are you serious?
KRAMER
Yeah, they're practically giving away all of this stuff down there.
JERRY
Well I can imagine why.
KRAMER
You know, they've got some clothes down there that might fit you. You might want to go and take a look before all the nice stuff is gone.
JERRY
Nah. I'd prefer not to wear a shirt that was worn by a dead crack addict.
KRAMER
Well, suit yourself.
As Kramer heads for the door, George storms in
GEORGE (furious)
Well you're not going to believ- (He notices Kramer's suit). Hey, nice suit.
KRAMER
Sure is. And I got it for less than twenty bucks.
GEORGE
Really? Do you think you could get me a few?
KRAMER
Sure.
GEORGE
Alright, I'll come over to your apartment in a few minutes.
KRAMER
Ok. I'll just go put a pot of coffee on.
Kramer exits the room
JERRY
So what's the matter with you?
GEORGE
I'm in way over my head Jerry, way over my head.
JERRY
You're always in over your head.
GEORGE
I know, but this time there's a few inches above me. I'm drowning!
JERRY
It can't be that bad.
GEORGE
I just called Carrie a scumbag!
JERRY (in awe)
A scumbag!?
GEORGE
Yeah!
JERRY
Are you Charles Bronson or something!? No one ever calls someone a scumbag.
GEORGE
I know, I lost my head for a second. We were fighting about the differences between catsup and ketchup and I snapped.
JERRY
Ooh, the catsup is always a killer.
GEORGE
I should've known better to mess with condiments.
JERRY
So how'd she take it?
GEORGE
Well, right after I called her a scumbag, she took the ketchup bottle which had started the fight and hit me over the head with it. Then, she ran into the bathroom, leaving a trail of ketchup behind her.
JERRY
That's not good.
GEORGE
And then I didn't want to confront her, so I took her car and drove away.
JERRY
You stole her car!?
GEORGE
I didn't steal it. I borrowed it for a little bit.
JERRY
You're just full of surprises.
GEORGE
I figure I'll just take it back and pretend I accidently took her car because I thought it was mine.
JERRY
Are you going to tell the cops that too?
GEORGE
Relax. She won't call the cops.
JERRY
You know, those were Manson's last words on the outside world.
Kramer yells from outside
KRAMER (O.S)
Hey George, are you coming to talk about the suits or not. I'm a very busy man!
GEORGE
Well, I'll see you later.
JERRY
Make sure you say hi to Carrie for me. Maybe steal a rug from her for me. I could use a new rug.
GEORGE
I'm taking the car back! I'm not stealing it!
George Exits
ACT 1
SCENE B
Int. Carrie's Apartment
Carrie, George's new girlfriend, hears a knocking at the door. She opens it and finds George standing there.
GEORGE
Oh hey, I was just in the neighborhood and I just stopped by to say hi.
CARRIE
What do you want George?
GEORGE
Well, in all of the hustle and bustle of this morning's events, I accidently drove off with your car. I came back to return it.
CARRIE
You stole my car!?
GEORGE
Mistakenly took it. I thought it was mine.
CARRIE
Didn't you notice it was mine when you got inside?
GEORGE
Yeah...but by that point, I was already inside, and I just said what the hell. A car's a car.
CARRIE
Ok, give me my keys and get lost.
GEORGE
Actually, can you give me a ride back home. I had to drive your car back here, so aha, I have no way of getting back.
She takes the keys away from George and slams the door shut
GEORGE
Ok. Nice chatting with you.
ACT 1
SCENE C
Ext. Outside Jerry's Apt. Bld.
Elaine's obviously in a good mood. As she walks down the sidewalk to Jerry's apartment, she hears birds singing sweetly in the air. A car splashes water at her, but it misses her completely and hits a random guy walking by.
ELAINE (Thinking)
What a great day. The bird's are singing, the sun's out, that homeless guy over there is wearing pants.
She bumps into a man in a blue suit, who turns around and gives her a cold stare. She notices he's carrying a rack of milk.
ELAINE
Oh. Sorry.
MILKMAN
No you're not.
ELAINE
No, it was my fault. I wasn't looking.
MILKMAN
Are you scared to look at me? Do I represent the lower rung of society!? I'm a human too!
ELAINE
You're just a guy carrying milk around!
MILKMAN
What, scared of the milkman! I'm not the boogeyman, I'm just a guy that loves making people happy!
ELAINE
Please, just leave me alone!
MILKMAN
Yeah, just ignore the milkman. Let him go off into the gutter and die with all his milk.
ELAINE
What are you talking about! I said I was sorry!
MILKMAN
And I'm sorry I bumped into you, your majesty.
Elaine runs up the stairs to Jerry's apartment building
MILKMAN
Yeah, you run away from your fears!
ACT 1
SCENE D
Int. Jerry's Apartment
Jerry is pouring himself a glass of milk at the counter. Kramer is ironing some suits he got from the morgue.
JERRY
I don't understand why you have to iron your suits in here.
KRAMER
These suits reek of death Jerry, I can't have that in my apartment!
JERRY
Well thanks for bringing them here. I love the smell of rotting flesh.
KRAMER
You make fun of me now, but wait until you see how suave I look in these things.
JERRY
Maybe you'll get lucky and get a suit James Bond died in. That'd really make you suave.
Elaine stumbles into the apartment, almost in shock.
ELAINE
I just had the strangest experience. (She sniffs the air) What's that smell?
JERRY
Death.
ELAINE
Did you kill a guy in here?
KRAMER
Ah, it's these suits. I didn't have enough quarters for the washing machine, so I haven't cleaned them yet.
ELAINE
What? Did a guy die in them?
KRAMER
Yeah.
ELAINE
Oh. That would explain it.
JERRY
So what about this crazy experience you had.
ELAINE
Oh yeah. So get this. I'm walking out in the sidewalk in front of your building, and I bump into this milkman.
JERRY
A milkman? I didn't even know that was a real job.
ELAINE
Apparently it is. So anyway, I say I'm sorry, but then he goes off on this wild rant about me hating him or something. That guy was a complete wack job!
KRAMER
Oh, you mean Larry?
ELAINE
Larry? You know that guy!?
KRAMER
Yeah, Larry Kollonowski. I used to be in a dance troupe with him. But then he hurt his leg doing the splits and became a milkman.
ELAINE
When were you in a dance troupe?
KRAMER
Oh, this was back in the 80's. We were young and crazy back then.
JERRY
The thought of people paying money to see you dance doesn't make sense to me.
KRAMER
Well it should make sense. We played to sold out shows every night. We were on the way to the top, baby!
JERRY (Sarcastic)
Yeah. I'm sure you were.
KRAMER
Hey is Larry still out there? I haven't seen him for years.
Kramer runs out of the room
ELAINE
Hey, are you doing anything tonight?
JERRY
No. Why?
ELAINE
There's this girl I want you to meet. I think you'll like her.
JERRY
No way. Dates set up by friends never work.
ELAINE
This one's different. She's british.
JERRY
What does her nationality have to do with anything?
ELAINE
I don't know. But she's a comedian too. You two would really hit it off.
JERRY
I don't know...it seems risky.
ELAINE
Why don't you and George have a double date? He can take Carrie.
JERRY
George and Carrie aren't seeing each other anymore. He called her a scumbag.
ELAINE
What? Does he think he's Charles Bronson or something?
JERRY
That's exactly what I said.
George enters the room, he looks like he's just ran across the entire city
GEORGE
You won't believe what just happened to me.
ELAINE
Did you declare a death wish on someone, Mr. Bronson?
GEORGE
You told her?
JERRY
I had to. It was too funny to keep secret.
GEORGE
Whatever. I have to tell you what just happened. I was walking home after taking back Carrie's car when I heard this low growl behind me. At first I saw it was some type of dog, maybe a pit bull or a doberman.
JERRY
Ah, the pit bull. Man's worst enemy.
GEORGE
Would you mind?
JERRY
So sorry maestro.
GEORGE
So I figure that this dog wants a piece of me. I turn around and I give it this intense glare. Honestly, this look would've killed a man.
ELAINE
You stared down a dog? It sure takes a big man to do that.
GEORGE
Wait, I'm not finished. So it turns out this dog belonged to a vicious gang. They begin to circle around me, holding various weapons in their hands. But I don't show fear, because as soon as they know you're afraid, they strike you down.
JERRY
Of course, you would know all about gang psychology.
GEORGE
I know I have to act fast, so I pull my hands out of my pockets and I crack my knuckles. I look over to the leader and I go "Hey, you wanna piece of this? Because this ain't a free lunch". The gang just kind of looked me over, sweat dripping off their faces, and they walked off.
JERRY
Jeeze. First you call someone a scumbag, then you stop gang violence. You're turning into Dirty Harry.
GEORGE
You really think so?
JERRY
Well, you've got a little less hair and a little more weight. You're like his out-of-shape cousin.
GEORGE
Yeah...you're right! Maybe I should start carrying a gun around!
JERRY
Why stop there, why not just kill a guy.
GEORGE
I've been weak for too long. It's time for some vengeance!
George quickly walks out of the apartment
ACT 2
SCENE A
Int. Nightclub
Jerry is doing his standup act
JERRY
I always love to watch cop movies because they're always so predictable. There's always that cop who's a loose cannon, and he always has a stern but loveable chief. And then of course, there's the obligatory "You're off the case" speech, and then the cop has to take the law into his own hands. I want to see a movie where the cop isn't kicked off the force. Maybe even congratulated. "You did a good out there, Harry. You shot a nun and blew up an orphanage, but you got the job done. Here, take this huge hat. You're the pope now."ACT2
SCENE B
Int. Jerry's Car
It's late that same evening. Jerry has taken Elaine's advice and has taken out the British comedian, Karen Owens. They're sitting in his parked car outside her apartment.
JERRY
I love using electric toothbrushes. It makes me feel like I'm in the future.
KAREN (In thick British accent)
I guess it kind of does.
JERRY
That's some accent you got there. Where are you from, London?
KAREN
No, Liverpool.
JERRY
Ah, Liverpool. The city that's neither a liver or a pool.
KAREN
...Yeah.
JERRY
Want to hear my best British impression?
KAREN
Ok.
JERRY
Cheerio mate, tea time for mumsy. I'll sweep your chimney for six shillings. I have to go take the lift up to my flat and have some crisps.
KAREN
I don't think anyone's talked like that for 100 years.
JERRY
They should. If I go to England and no one talks like a loveable street urchin, I get a little disappointed.
KAREN (Suddenly talking in American accent)
Oh dammit. Look at the time, I have to go.
Karen steps out of the car. Jerry's mouth is wide open, shocked by the accent change.ACT 2
SCENE C
Int. Jerry's Apartment
Jerry's pouring himself a bowl of cereal when Kramer slides into the room. He's wearing a tight spandex suit and a sweaty pink headband is tied around his forehead.
JERRY
What's with the suit, Baryshnikov?
KRAMER
Me and Larry got the Dance Troupe back together. We've just been practicing all morning.
JERRY
You're actually starting to dance again? I thought you were joking.
KRAMER
Why would I joke about my dancing!? It's my life, Jerry!
JERRY
You haven't danced in 10 years. How do you expect to just jump right back in it?
KRAMER
That's like asking Superman how he flies. It stays with you your whole life, it's like a sixth sense to me!
JERRY
Don't drag Superman into this mess. He's not a dancer.
KRAMER
Well maybe he should've thought about it. He had the moves.
George enters the room
GEORGE
Hey Kramer, did you get me those suits? I need them for a job interview.
KRAMER
I sure did buddy. They're in my apartment, I'll go get them.
Kramer exits the room
JERRY
So where's this job interview?
GEORGE
Well, you know how you told me I was like Charles Bronson?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
I applied to be a security guard!
JERRY
Really?
GEORGE
Yeah, down at the glue factory. I'll get to carry a taser, a billy club, everything!
JERRY
I don't think Charles Bronson was a guard at a glue factory.
GEORGE
That doesn't matter. What matters is that I get to intimidate people, I finally get a chance to act tough.
JERRY
At a glue factory?
GEORGE
Jerry, you wouldn't believe the type of stuff that goes on down at that factory.
Elaine enters the apartment. She immediately walks up to Jerry.
ELAINE
So how was your night with Karen? Was it magical?
JERRY
Well, it was magical until I learned she was using a fake accent the entire time. She's a phony!
ELAINE
Fake accent? Her accent's not fake, she's from Liverpool.
JERRY
I distinctly heard her say a sentance in an american dialect.
ELAINE
You must've misheard her. She really does have an accent.
JERRY
Can you prove it?
ELAINE
I've heard her talk many times. She always has the accent.
JERRY
Maybe that's what she wants you to think.
ELAINE
Why would she fake a british accent?
JERRY
She doesn't need a reason. She's crazy!
GEORGE
That definetely sounds crazy.
ELAINE
You're the crazy one. She definetely has an accent.
GEORGE
You know how you find out?
JERRY
How?
GEORGE
I can, you know, intimiate her and scare the truth out of her.
JERRY
Then right after that you can pull out a magnum and blow her away.
GEORGE
It was just a suggestion!
ELAINE
I'll ask her myself, then we can settle this whole stupid thing.
Kramer enters the room with two grey suits.
KRAMER
Here you go, Georgey boy.
Kramer tosses George the suits
GEORGE
Hey Jerry, can I change here. I have to go straight to the interview after I lea-
George notices the smell of the suits.
GEORGE
Kramer, why do these suits smell like a cemetary?
KRAMER
Oh, well they're straight from the morgue. I had no chance to wash them yet.
GEORGE
You bought my suits from a morgue!
KRAMER
Well yeah, where'd you think I was getting them?
GEORGE
From a store! You know, where the suits aren't pulled off of dead corpses!
KRAMER
I guess we had a little misunderstanding.
GEORGE
What am I supposed to wear to my interview now! My only suits smell like a rotten cadaver!
JERRY
Relax. You can take one of my suits.
GEORGE
Your suits don't fit me, they're too snug. I can't wear something snug, I get uncomfortable!
ELAINE
Why do you have to wear a suit to this interview? It's not that important.
GEORGE
Not important!? I'm trying to become a security guard, you have to look intelligent if they're going to trust you with a taser!
KRAMER
Just take the suits George. No one will notice the smell.
GEORGE
Fine... I'll take the death suit.
ACT 2
SCENE C
Ext. New York Streets
George is walking casually down the street in a suit that looks like it belongs in the 70's. A little kid walks up to him and starts to spray him with a water gun.
GEORGE
Hey! You little brat, give me that!
George swipes the water gun away from the kid. He notices how realistic it looks, almost exactly like a magnum. He puts it in his coat pocket.
ACT 2
SCENE D
Int. Office Room
George greets Mark Raymore, the head of the glue factory.
MARK
Good afternoon George, have a seat.
GEORGE
Thank you.
George sits down in front of the desk
MARK
So how are you today?
GEORGE
I'm great Mr. Raymore.
MARK
I see you're interested in becoming a security guard. Any experience with that before?
GEORGE
No. But I feel that I have my own special qualities for the job.
MARK
Okay. What qualities?
GEORGE
I feel I'm really intimidating. I have a glare that could melt steel.
MARK
Really?
GEORGE
Yeah. Watch.
George closes his eyes for a second, and then opens them to reveal an intense stare.
MARK
Wow. Very good, very intense. And....wait a minute, is that a gun in your pocket?
GEORGE
What? Oh this, it's a toy.
George pulls the watergun out and holds it at Mark
GEORGE (Doing a bad Clint Eastwood impression)
Go ahead. Make my day. Hahaha.
MARK
You're a loose cannon George, you can't bring a gun in here!
GEORGE
But it's a toy, sir!
MARK
Give me your gun. You're out of here.
GEORGE
You can't take me out of here! I'm so close to getting this job!
MARK
I can't have you breaking the rules. There's law and order!
GEORGE
Fine, I'll leave. But I'm going to go take the law into my own hands! Maybe start my own security company!
MARK
Get out of here Costanza!
George leaves the room. Mark sniffs the air.
MARK
Man, that guy's intense. Even his suit smelled of death.
ACT 2
SCENE D
Int. Hallway Outside Jerry's Apt.
Jerry walks up to his door and puts his key in the lock. He hears music coming out of Kramer's apartment, and then his door opens. Larry, the milkman, walks out.
KRAMER (O.S)
Nice dancing Larry. We're on the way to the top!
LARRY
I know. I rock.
JERRY
Execuse me, are you that milkman?
LARRY
Yeah. You have a problem with that?
JERRY
No, I just have a question. Who pays you guys? I always see you delivering milk, but I never actually see you get any money for it?
LARRY
Oh. Wouldn't you like to know?
Larry walks down the hall
JERRY
What's with that guy?
SCENE E
Int. Jerry's Apartment
Jerry enters his apartment and throws his jacket on the hook. Kramer follows in right after him, his spandex suit still on.
KRAMER
Hey Jerry, do you have any gatorade? I need some after all that dancing.
JERRY
Check the fridge.
Kramer heads for the fridge
JERRY
Hey, I was talking to Larry in the hall. He's a strange man.
KRAMER
Oh, don't mind him. He's just really intense sometimes. You should see him when he's dancing, he's like a swan.
JERRY
Well he should really take some anger management classes.
KRAMER
Jerry, don't be angry at him because he's a milkman.
JERRY
I'm not!
KRAMER
Larry has to deal with so many people making fun of his job. He doesn't need you too.
JERRY
I'm not making fun of being a milkman. It's a very respectable job.
George enters the room
JERRY
Hey, how'd the interview go?
GEORGE
Terrible. I scared him.
JERRY
You scared him?
GEORGE
Yeah, it was like something out of a Eastwood movie. I even had a magnum pointed at him!
JERRY
A magnum!?
GEORGE
Well, it was a watergun, but it was still very realistic!
KRAMER
Who do you think you are, Charles Bronson?
GEORGE
Stop calling me Charles Bronson! I'm not that intense!
JERRY
I think you are.
KRAMER
Yeah, you have anger lines all over your face.
GEORGE
Really?
KRAMER
Oh yeah. You're stretching that skin.
As George goes to look at his face in the mirror in the bathroom, Elaine enters in a huff.
ELAINE
Oh thank god you're here Kramer! I need your help!
KRAMER
Well, the k-man is listening.
ELAINE
Mr. Peterman wants to put ona talent show, but we don't have enough entrants! If this show doesn't happen, I can lose my job! You and that milkman have got to enter, your dancing is needed!
KRAMER
I don't think so Elaine. We're not ready.
ELAINE
Kramer, I'll lose my job!
JERRY
You said dancing was like your 6th sense. You should be able to do this.
KRAMER
Well...ok, but you owe me.
ELAINE
Oh thank you Kramer, you're my saviour.
JERRY
Hey, do you think I could enter the talent show? I can do my comedy act!
ELAINE
Well...I guess.
JERRY
Hmmm...I'm hatching a scheme here.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
If Karen comes tonight, I can allude to her fake accent in my act. I'll sweat her out, she'll have to come forward with her lie!
ELAINE
Sweat her out? Are you a professional interrogator too?
JERRY
Why didn't I think of this before, I got her right where I want her!
George enters from the bathroom
GEORGE
Jerry, as a fan of schemes and decievery, I have to say your plan is genius.
JERRY
Coming from a compulsive liar like yourself, I take that as an extreme compliment.
ACT 2
SCENE E
Int. Talent Show
Jerry, Karen, and George sit at a table in the audience at the talent show. A juggler is on stage, juggling plates.
GEORGE
Phhh, plates. I could juggle plates. Why doesn't he juggle something with a challenge, like knives or fire.
JERRY
Shut up!
The audience starts clapping as the juggler finishes his act. Elaine walks onto stage and up to the microphone.
ELAINE
Wasn't that amazing? All those plates. It was really something. Ok, our next act is the hilarious comedic stylings of Jerry Seinfeld!
The audience claps as Jerry walks onto the stage. Jerry gives a quick glance to Karen, giving her a mischevious grin.
JERRY
You know what I hate? Fake accents. They really are the worst thing in the world. In fact, if you use a fake accent, you might as well just jump off a bridge. I know a person who uses a fake accent. Or at least I think I do. They're such lowdown liars, they won't admit it!
Jerry watches Karen, who doesn't budge
JERRY
I guess you could say that I know someone in the audience that has a fake accent, and they're just making things worse when they don't admit it to me.
Karen starts laughing at Jerry's act
JERRY
Ok, whatever. This isn't working. Good night.
Jerry puts the mic back and walks back to the table. The only applause comes from Karen and George
KAREN
That was an odd set Jerry. But still hilarious.
JERRY
Yeah...I guess.
George leans in and starts to whisper to Jerry
GEORGE
She's not budging. I'll give her an intense glare, that'll get her to admit it.
JERRY
What? Are you insane?
GEORGE
Trust me, my glare affects everyone.
Back on stage, Elaine is presenting the next act.
ELAINE
So put your hands together for 'Cosmos', a dance troupe like you've never seen!
Kramer and Larry step onto the stage wearing tight spandex and matching headbands.
KRAMER
Good evening, and welcome to 'Cosmos', dancing that will take you to the stars!
Back at the table, George turns around to Karen and begins to give her an intense glare
GEORGE (Thinking)
No one can ever survive the look.
Larry suddenly sees George giving the intense glare, which he thinks is directed at him, and stops dancing.
LARRY
Hey, you. You in the back.
GEORGE
Who. Me?
LARRY
You making fun of me?
GEORGE
What? No.
LARRY
So what if I'm a little intense? Can't a milkman be intense!
GEORGE
This intensity glare is directed at someone else!
Larry sees Jerry sitting next to him
LARRY
Hey, you're that guy from the hallway. Did you put him up to this? Kramer said you thought I was intense!
JERRY
No, no. This has nothing to do with you. George's giving this stare to my girlfriend.
KAREN
What? Why me!?
GEORGE
Because Jerry thinks you have an american accent.
KAREN
What?
JERRY
Remember in the car, you started talking in an American accent!
KAREN
I was doing my best american impression. You were doing a british one, so I'd thought I'd join in!
JERRY
So you really are British?
KAREN
Yes!
JERRY
Oh...so how's the prime minister doing?
Back on stage, Kramer and Larry have begun to fight.
LARRY
I never should've come back to the world of dancing. I'm a milkman at heart.
KRAMER
Don't listen to Jerry, you've got talent Larry! We can go to the top of the dancing world!
LARRY
I'm sorry Kramer. I need to be a milkman.
Larry walks off the stage as Kramer falls to his knees
KRAMER
Larry! 'Cosmos' isn't the same without you! You're the swan! The Swan!
The credits start to roll...