i'm losing ground you know how this world can beat you down
i'm made of clay i fear i'm the only one who thinks this way
i'm always falling down the same hill bamboo puncturing skin
and nothing comes bleeding out of me just like the waterfall i'm drowning in
2 feet below the surface i can still make out your wavy face
and if i could just reach you maybe i could leave this place
i do not want this
don't you tell me how i feel, you don't know just how i feel
i stay inside my bed i have lived so many lives all in my head
don't tell me that you care there really isn't anything. is there?
you would know. wouldn't you?
you extend your hand to those who suffer
to those you know what it really feels like
to those who've had a taste
like that means something
and oh so sick i am
and maybe i don't have a choice
and maybe this is all i have
and maybe this is a cry for help
i do not want this
don't you tell me how i feel, you don't know just how i feel
i want to know everything
i want to be everywhere
i want to do something that matters
-T. Reznor, "i do not want this"

Sunnydale, California, USA

"DAWN! Get your ass down here right now!"

Dawn was always so pokey. Two weeks until the new High School opened. Two weeks before Dawn would be placed directly on top of the old school, right over the hell mouth. Xander was working on the project and reassured Buffy that there was nothing shady going on. All was sound and good. They had snuck down into the site a few nights to check all of it out. It all appeared fine, but so did the old High School.

"Fine Dawn, if you don't want any new clothes we don't have to go, its not like I can afford it anyways!"

This year had been terrible. Brought back from Heaven only to slave away at a greasy burger joint for minimum wage while still defending the world from eminent destruction at the hand of 3 dorks and her best friend, who then flayed alive one of said dorks. Yeah what a blast, she really must remember this the next time someone tried to raise her from the dead.

Sunnydale had been relatively quiet all summer, it usually is, days are really long, and most vamps go into hiding, hibernation almost. Wow, can they really hibernate, are they like bears? Buffy saw it once on the Discovery channel, hibernating bears that was. She imagined them having dens and everything. That would be neat, and it would be so much easier to kill them if they really hibernated.

It was even quieter because everyone was gone. Willow was whisked away to England with Giles about 5 minutes after Tara's funeral. Anya spent most of the summer trying to piece back together the Magic Box when she wasn't globe teleporting to exact vengeance on lovers scorned. Spike had disappeared after, after the incident. Xander and Dawn were there. Dawn spent most of the summer with Janice. They went camping and did all sorts of normal things that she should be doing. She also got pretty good at that whole internet thing. She was like a Willow in training without the evil magic. Xander worked most of the summer on the school project. Buffy worked most of the summer flipping burgers trying to repay Xander for the full copper repipe he paid for. It was lonely. Clem came around once in a while to watch Dawn, they rented a lot of cheesy romantic comedies and Dawn told her he always cried when J Lo got the guy. He was such a mush.

Buffy wondered if any of them would ever come back. She had really come to grips with this whole 'back from the dead life sucks but I have to live it anyways' thing. She was pretty happy to be here even. But she was also pretty lonely. Buffy thought she felt alone when they were here, but she only felt worse now.

London, England

You must be the Vamp." A woman with an Eastern European accent said.

"Might be, you Giles's friend?"

"I am Zaezilla. You are to come with me. We can't waste time here it will be day soon and you will go poof!"

"Who you calling poof?"

She lead him to her car. It was in one piece. After being in Africa so long Spike was actually starting to think all cars were painted with primer and missing crucial parts.

"I paint back windows black. Front ones are tinted dark. There is a blanket to hide under so you do not fry. Verstand? I mean Understand?"

"Yeah, fine." He handed her his bag. She reminded him of some sort of East German dominatrix, before the wall came down. Spike couldn't imagine the kind of things she was capable of as a witch.

"I am perfectly capable as a witch. I am full of goodness. Now get in the auto!"

Great another one with the mind reading. Terrific.

Zaezilla the Hun didn't talk during the trip. Luckily it was a wonderfully gloomy English day so the blanket was unnecessary. Looking out the window at London and later the countryside a flood of memories came back. Small towns Angelus ate his way through. Dead prostitute drops in alleyways. Dress shops where shopkeepers became all you can eat buffet and coutier. The headaches were starting again. The voices were everywhere he looked. Spike could hear them screaming and cursing him. It was hell in his head. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

"I know why you are here, what's your name?"

"It's William, I mean Spike, and everyone calls me Spike."

"Spike, you have been restored. You are being tortured by your past, you are looking for solutions."

"Well, yes, that's... No, no that's not it at all. Giles owes me 4 pounds and I just want it back. Yeah that's it."

"You cannot lie to me, so stop. I can see through it like glass. You want to know how to make the pain stop. How to silence their screams. How to redeem yourself to her."

"Damn, you're pretty good. Mind if I smoke?"

"Smoking will kill you, but you are already dead so it doesn't matter does it? Go, smoke."

"Are there solutions, can I be helped?"

"Yes, you can find solace. You will, forgiveness is all around you; you just have to ask for it. The spirits know what you have done, all they want is your admission of guilt, that you are pained by it."

"I keep telling them. I know I was a bad, rude man. Not a man, a thing. I tell them I am sorry I beg forgiveness and it never comes. If it is everywhere, why isn't it here?" Spike points at his head.

"Love is forgiveness, Love isn't brains William, its blood."

"Hey! That's my line witch!"

"I mean you can think you are good, you can think you are honorable, you can think you are sorry, but it if isn't in you then it isn't so. It has to be blood, gut, it has to be in you, not just thought by you."

"Well, I'm trying alright? I haven't had a soul in over 100 years! Its a bit hard to readjust."

"You didn't need to get the soul. A soul isn't what makes a man, its what's in his blood. You above all, a blood drinker should know that. You weren't always such a tough guy! Don't deny your nature. You know what you really are. It's not evil; it's never been evil. You are driven only by love. It can make you do things you never thought possible. You killed your first out of heartbreak, out of love's pain. You have always lived by love's pain."

"Well, don't we think we know everything?"

"If you accept this and truly believe it, the pain will stop. Angelus only learned to live when he found something to live for, something to do. You already do what his purpose became, you watch her, you guide her, you protect her, and you love her in a way he never could. You can have true happiness if you let yourself, and you can give it to her as well."

"What do you know of Angelus? I am nothing like that poof!"

"I know more than you will ever believe."

"Yeah, whatever."

Her words were sitting like bitter gems in his mouth. Spike knew she aws right. He knew this, but he just didn't want to end up the blubbering idiot William was. He was pathetic, Spike wasn't. Spike would never be.

"You will find your own way, you can reconcile yourself."

"Can you stop now? I've really heard enough."

"She will tell you. She thinks of you even now. She can't fool herself out of this, she will tell you."

"Who? You? You're one crazy bitch you know that? I mean I have met some crazy women in my life, spent a century with one of them, but she was nothing like you!"

"You know who I am talking about. You did all of this for her. To be the man she wants, to be the man she will have. Your words may fail, your intentions may falter, but underneath it all you are a good man, she knows this, you didn't need a soul to show her this."

Buffy's thoughts & dreams

His hands were all over me, the hunger inside of me never was filled like this before. It's like he knows where to touch me, like he knows my body inside and out. Like he was meant to do this, made to do this even. Oh God! Cold lipped kisses down my spine, fingers pushing me into ecstasy. Letting me ride until the explosive end and then coming back for more immediately. It was heaven, as close as I could come to it on earth. Safety, comfort, pleasure, all his gifts to me.
"Tell me you love me"
"I Love you, you know I do"
"Tell me you want me."
"I always want you. In point of fact-"
"Shut up"
The sincerity in his eyes made me want him more, and made me want to deny it more. I just wanted to be consumed. He was the best lover I have ever had, not Riley Finn, not Angel; none of them could even light a match compared to the inferno between us.

"Trust is for old marrieds Buffy. Great love is wild, and passionate and dangerous. It burns and consumes."
"Until there's nothing left, love like that doesn't last."

But it does. I can't get it out of my system. Even after he attacked me I know I still care about him, for him. I need him, and I drove him away. I drive them all away. I know his attack wasn't so much about actually raping me, but trying to get validation from me. I just couldn't give it. I could never let him finish. I could admit I let him in, let him sit on the couch put up his feet and watch TV; then I bashed him over the head with the door, repeatedly. I just wanted to feel, and he was the only one who could make me feel like I really was alive. When I started to feel really alive, I had to push him away cos I knew he would be able to feel it, my love.

It's the worst at night. I lay in bed and I can almost feel him, cool flesh, spooning me from behind. Gentle arms with forceful intentions wrapped around me.
"It'll be alright love, just sleep I'll be here."
But he isn't. He isn't there, he lied, he said he would never leave me; he's gone now. But I can feel him; at least I can feel the memory of him.

Damnit Buffy! You are a moron. No wonder slayers were never meant to last past age 16. Maybe we are incapable of love. Incapable of really living. God knows even though I do have these feelings its rarely for the 'breath of life' type. Its not like I will ever see him again. I think he's really gone this time. Probably off gallivanting with Drusilla. Ick! Crazy weird Drusilla. Oh no! Did that mean I am crazy and weird too? Weird yes, crazy no. I just need to get this out of my head, out of my system. It'll go away as soon as the killing season comes back. That lust for vampire dust. Ha! That rhymed!

Westbury, England

She finally shut up. Stupid witch. Acting like she knew what was going on with him. She knew nothing. If she did, she would have shut up a long time ago. Spike knew he destroyed whatever chance he had with Buffy that night in the bathroom. It was over, all he could hope to do is redeem himself to her. There's that bloody word again! Redeem, redemption, why do I need to do this? Was it really for her? Or was this for him? Giving him what he deserved for hurting her. Spike swore he would never, that he could never hurt her, not after she came back. What'd it take? Two hours a bottle of Jack and Anya? Fifteen minutes in a bathroom? He even made himself want to retch occasionally. This was one of those moments. He knew what he did to her, and he had done it on purpose, which made it somehow worse. Spike knew if she found out it would hurt her the way she hurt him. Time and time again, she had just bashed him in, tore him down, ripped him apart, all because she was scared of who she really was. Scared of how angry she was that she had to come back. Vampires' talk a big game, but the truth is, given the chance again, they would have never wanted to be turned. They would have never come back. He knew what it was like to lose that choice, and to be mad as hell about it. Now she did too.

"We are here, stop your daydreams. Get in the back; the young witch can't know you are here yet. I will not tell her."

"Fine, but I will be putting in a protest to Giles about your madness. I don't think Red should be allowed next to you, you really are a crazy bitch."

"The truth is usually regarded as false, the truth teller thought mad. I know this."

Spike hunkered down in the back seat. Yeah, he thought, this is really inconspicuous. No one would ever guess there was a really pasty man hiding under a blanket in the back seat of car with painted out windows. Christ, even Willow knows how to transport a vampire.

"Giles, hello. Our package arrives intact, but sadly without tact."

"Zaezilla, head over to the coven's building. They are expecting you. Willow is over there with them. I will get Spike inside and taken care of."

Giles poked his head into the front window. Spike had left it open.

"Spike? Spike are you in there?"

Spike lifted off the blanket. "Where'd you think I went? She said I was in the damn car. Crazy woman she is! Crazy Giles. Insane! Don't let Red near her."

"Spike, she's not crazy. Just a seer. I should have thought twice about her bringing you here, but I didn't."

"Yeah well remember Drusilla was a seer and look at how well that turned out! Crazy as a bed bug!"

Spike got out of the back seat. Giles had already grabbed his bag out of the trunk. He followed him into this massive stone estate.

"Well, well Giles you never told me your home was so posh. Really, why'd you ever come to Sunnydale? Yeah its dark and dank, but a man could get used to living like this! It's so, subterranean. I like it!"

"Well, it's not mine, I sold my flat to buy the magic box. The coven lets me stay here for free. They have plenty of rooms."

"I always knew witches had good taste. Reminds me of the old days. Quite pleasant even. We holed up in a place like this right after I was turned. We got chased out of London. I wasn't anyone's favorite vampire. Not classy or chameleon, like the others, instead I was my own man. Thus we ended up living in an abandoned estate after this 'own man' left a trail of bodies to the flat."

"Lovely story Spike, really. Now come lets get you a room up stairs. I got a pint or two from the blood bank for you, I'll grab one for you."

"Giles, I am really against the whole consumption of human blood these days. It's a little too much for me to handle right now, and I think I won't ever be able to handle it again."

"Fine. We'll head out to a butcher in the morning."

Spike followed him up a massive set of stone steps. Complete with red tapestry down the center, and large stained glass window at the top of the flight. There must have been a hundred rooms in this place.

"Spike, here is where you'll stay. All the witches, Willow included sleep in the opposite wing to this one. I sleep down the hall. They don't come down here, so they won't bother you."

"Fine Giles. I don't sleep much anyways. The only sleep I've gotten in a short age was courtesy of your pills. Right fine they are."

"I can get you some more if need be. Now I think you have some explaining to do."

He had set Spike's bag down near a vanity. There was a large fireplace and some chairs to rest on. This room felt like Spike's old room. Like William's room, in a house before central heat, when coal and wood kept you warm in drafty winter. The large four-post bed faced the fireplace. Covered in old velvet duvets. It was just what he didn't need right now.

"Giles you are going to want to sit. Wait, when did you get rid of your glasses? You look so very Ripper right now. It's sort of unnerving."

"I got contacts. I had to keep replacing my broken frames and lenses so I decided this might be a better way. I mean how many times will my contacts fly out of my eyes when I am knocked unconscious by some sort of hell beast?" He said as he sat in one of the chairs.

"Giles," Spike said sitting across from him, on the edge of the seat. "I went and got my soul back. There was a rumor, a legend really that it could be done in a cave near the seashore outside of modern day Mombassa. It was one of those jokes you know, like an urban myth. I figured it was my only hope. If it didn't exist I was just going to take a stroll in the noon-day sun."

"Now, am I hearing you correctly? You have gotten your soul back from some sort of legendary cave?"

"Not the cave, it's what lives in the cave. It's some sort of demon who gets his rocks off torturing my kind and then giving them what they came for."

"A demon that can restore souls? He's not in any of the demon literature. I've never even heard this legend."

"Well you aren't the undead now are you? See I've a deal for you. You help me with the headaches and nightmares; I give you the demon scoop of the century. It'll get you back in the good graces of the Council, maybe get you reinstated."

"Well, yes this would be amazing. I mean a whole new class of demon, and proof of his existence. This could be very important. But I still don't get it, you went to get a soul?"

"The chip only stopped me from doing what I innately needed to do. A soul stops me on a whole other level. I mean now I can't kill not because of pain, I just can't bring myself to do it. They haunt me, those who I've killed. They follow me around, they nag around in my head, and they give me no peace. I can't even get a night of sleep without one of them attacking me, and me begging to be forgiven. It's not enough to ask, or to apologize. I have to make up for it in a real physical way."

"I had no idea you were so philosophical."

"I was once an educated gentleman. I mean my poetry was god awful, but I was quite sharp, still am." Spike paused, "So now I need your help to help me get my redemption. Help me make up for my wrongs. Now I want to help because I need to for me, for all of them, not because I am trying to get in Buffy's pants. I need to do this for me, and I need you to help me. It'll be easier for me to go back if it starts here."

"Spike I don't even know what to say."

"Just say, 'Spike I will help you.' If you can't say that I need to leave now."

"Yes, of course I will help you. I am just not sure how."

"Well, first off you will keep me in sleeping pills so I can get my senses about me. Pigs' blood would be preferable, warmed with the weetabix crumbled in it like I like. Get me some paper, I will write you the legend and facts, as I know it about this demon in Africa. This is what I need to do. I need to tangibly do something, words aren't enough anymore."

"I am sure Willow or the Coven could do some sort of binding spell to stop the haunting."

"I don't want magic. I want to do this the right way. This is what I need to do. Inside I am a good man, the monster in me has had control for far too long, and that side of me needs to pay. I am still a monster, but that will not dictate what I do."

"Fine, I will get you a blank book to put the information in." Giles got up to leave.

"Giles, can I ask you something?"

"Well yes, I guess."

"How is she?"

"Who? Buffy?"

"Yeah, I heard some pretty horrible things went down after my exit. Sounds like she doesn't know anyone who hasn't done something unforgivable, except for the wanker, but his existence alone is pretty unforgivable."

"She's doing fine I think. I really haven't been talking to her. Willow talks to Dawn once in a while. She's not allowed to call Buffy or Xander, not until she's doing a bit better. Dawn says things are going well, but she always says that. The roof could have blown off of the house and Dawn would think it was fine."

"So the Niblet is good, that's good."

"She did mention once that Buffy was lonely, and incredibly poor again. I was going to try to negotiate with the council to give her a stipend or salary, but I had no business going there. Now I do."

"Good. By the way, I know you told me not to spend the money you left me on booze, which was tempting, as the water in Nairobi, well lets just say it was memorable. But I did pick some things up. Here these are for you."

"Spike, you didn't need to do this. Ooo tea glasses! Fine, very fine."

"I got things for the others, could you arrange for them to be sent out?"

"Yes of course. There is some stationary in the vanity over there, you can write some notes if you want. Where do they need to go?"

"Anya, Willow, Buffy and Dawn. I was going to get Xander a coloring book and some crayons but I thought it may be above his intellectual level."

"Right. I will set up for a post drop then. I will be back later with the book and to set up the parcels. It will be dark in about 2 hours. There is a balcony through those curtains, you can climb down to the garden if you want to go for a walk."

"Fine. Thanks."

Giles left. It had been tiring just to get through this. Spike was so tense waiting for Giles to explode on something or him. It was like Giles was expecting this. Damn witch must have sent him brain signals and told him.

"Yes, hello, is this the Council of Watchers? I need to speak with Nicholls, now."

"Who is this?"

"This is Rupert Giles, I need to talk to him immediately this is of the up most importance."

"He has directed me to not put you through. You are no longer a member of this organization sir."

"I have information on a new species of Demon. I have a source of information. I am willing to trade the information for a small token. It's not for me, I don't want my job back, but I do need something from the council."

"Mr. Giles, I am not supposed to do this, but I will."

"Thank you."

Click.

"This is Michael Nicholls, how can I help you?"

"Michael, this is Rupert. You are never going to believe this."

"I don't want to hear it, I don't have time to hear about your former charges problems."

"Michael, this has little to do with her. I found a new species or type of Demon. I have information on it, and confirmation of its existence and location."

"I'm listening, but this better not be some cheap plot to get your job back."

"No, in exchange, I want a stipend or even salary for Buffy. She's outlasted all the others, and if she can't afford to find somewhere to live she will won't last much longer."

"This depends on how important this Demon is. Really Rupert if you expect me to make this sort of deal over the phone, you are gravely mistaken."

"This Demon has a power we didn't know existed outside of witchcraft. It can restore souls."

The line went silent.

"Michael? Michael are you there?"

"Yes, yes I am here. I just can't believe what I have been told. You say you have proof?"

"He's in a room down the hall. He came to me for help, he will write down everything you need to know. The legend, the facts, where, and how, but I won't bring him to you."

"Rupert, now you must be kidding. Anyone could write up a fake story. I need to see this."

"Then you will have to come here. But if you are satisfied with its truth you have to pay Buffy, and she needs back pay. She's been at this a long time; saved the world plenty of times, even sacrificed herself for it. Done a hell of a better job than Faith, so I think she deserves it."

"Fine. When do you want to see me?"

"Tomorrow after sundown. You are to be alone, no tag alongs."

"Yes, yes I will see you then."

The vanity was more of a writing desk. There was some nice parchment and some good quality pens. It had been years since Spike had written anything. He hoped it was like riding a bicycle cos this could end up terrible. Even so, he knew his handwriting would look more like calligraphy than writing today. Back in the day it was all flowers and curlicues, now it was block letters, which was so terribly harsh.

Anya:
I am sorry about the ménage trois between you, Jack Daniels and myself. I hear you are back to your old trade. Hope that's going well. Here are some hair things. Just so you know, it looks fine. Don't turn anyone into a troll, except maybe Xander.
Spike


Willow:
Heard you tried to end the world. Glad you didn't. Hope things are getting settled down. Saw this on my travels thought of you. If you didn't know it's Isis raising Osiris from the dead, just like you did. Only Buffy didn't become the god of the Underworld, instead she got to be Buffy again, and she's not blue or a man. You get it. Don't try to end the world anytime soon, Man U is having a good season and I would hate for you to knock it all up.
Spike

Niblet:
Sorry I left without good-bye. I never meant to pull a Captain Cardboard on you. I am sure you have heard what happened between your sis and me. I am sorry about that too. I would still die to protect you, I hope you know that. I found these on my travels. They are the Aten, the sun disk, the energy of the good, the producer of life. They are light, like you. I know they don't make up for what I did but someday I will. Don't play too much rummy with Clem, he tends to cheat.
Spike

Those were easy enough, but how in the hell do you write a 'sorry I almost raped you, here are some presents, please forgive me, I still love you' letter? Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. She hated him, she had every reason to hate him, to hate the monster in him. He knew he did.

Buffy:
Hello, this is awkward and strange so bear with me. I am sorry. More sorry than you can fathom, and I am doing my best to be a better man than I was. I know that probably means nothing to you, but I really am sorry with every inch of my being. I can't stand myself. If I could, I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror after what I done to you. I mean this. I am a different person now, a better person, please believe me.
While traveling I thought of you. These things are for you. They are statuary and silver from Egypt. The cat headed woman is Bastet, she is a protector, she is agile and strong, and she symbolizes life and love. The one with the lion is Sekmeht or something like that, she is a warrior, she bears the wrath of the gods, and she smites the big bad. Both are you. They are pieces of you. Finally is the ankh, it is a symbol of life. The life you didn't want but that you must lead. I hope that you can be happy in it.
I don't know if I will ever return, but if I do, I will do whatever it takes to make things up to you. I know you could never love me the way I wanted, I understand that now. I only want you to be able to trust me. If not with your heart, at least with your life. Please accept this as a beginning of a new chapter for me, and hopefully, you.
Love, Spike

Spike thought he should eliminate the Love, thing. It was probably too weird. No, he decided should leave it, it was sincere and that's what matters.

"Spike? Are the things ready? Here is the book. I also brought you up a spot of tea. I won't have blood til tomorrow."

"Yes, here they are. Don't read any of the notes. Please don't. And don't send all of them to Anya, you know she'll rip through everything, and ruin it all."

"Right, of course. You can get to writing in this in the morning. The windows in here are stained glass and dark so you won't fry. Here is a sleeping pill. If you think you will need it. I will stop in the morning and see if you need anything. I may need to bring you to the council."

"Great, why don't you just break my legs and drop in front of some lions?"

"Spike, now, I will only take you if I must and under the complete understanding that they can't kill you."

"Fine."

Night."

Giles left, with parcels in tow. It was night now. The tea was still hot. it was a bit strange, the craving for warmth vampires have. Anything warm or hot was like heaven. Spike thinks a walk would be nice under the stars. He hadn't been around here in so long it might feel good to stretch out and take a look around.

The large window behind the massive velvet curtain was unlocked and opened easily. A small wrought iron balcony with ladder descending was on the outside. He climbed down to the gardens. The place was expertly manicured. They even had the shrubbery cut into little animals and such. The earth was soggy. It must have been raining for days before he arrived. That's just the England he remembered! The earth smelled so clean, like home. No wonder Dracula took a bit of home everywhere he went, it was satisfying, comfortable.

The sky was so clear; the clouds must have broken up sometime after sundown. He laid down on the grass to look up at the sky. It was so beautiful. Stars everywhere. Perfect time for a smoke. The only thing that could make this perfect for him is a bottle of wine and Buffy. But a smoke would do.

"Well, look at what we have here."