From Beneath You it Devours

by blackeyedgurl

AU Buffy 7 Angel 4 Spike needs help to get out of Africa, Buffy needs direction, it eats you starting with your bottom, better summary in first chapter

6. Coming Back To You

Let my Spirit ride on a one way mule
Blistered skin in a cold-hearted pool
Distant emotion hides a concrete wall
Naked and anchored I'll climb right back
To you.
Love me for my mind, cos I'm a dangerous heart
When I've got time to kill, I'm coming back for you
I'll stake out just to find
The knife in the dangerous heart
When I've got time to kill, I'm coming back for you
Distant memories in a cage by my bed
Viscid dreams stick to holes in my head
Love me for my mind, cos I'm a dangerous heart
When I've got time to kill, I'm coming back for you
-D. Johns "One Way Mule"

Sunnydale, California

Crying in the shower had not worked out as planned. Instead Buffy had spent the last 10 minutes puking her guts out. Maybe Dawn was psychic, because now what she told Xander was true. She got as far as stripped to her underwear when the nausea started. Now she laid on the cold bathroom floor in her bathrobe, with tears flowing into her ears. Was it possible to puke and cry yourself to death? She could see the headlines: "Local girl found dead in pool of vomit and tears, cause of death appears to be emotional pain."

She tried to psyche herself into moving. Buffy decided to head downstairs for some 7up, crackers and perhaps some Pepto. Did they even have crackers? Her mom always had crackers, but Buffy couldn't recall having bought any recently. When she got into the kitchen she saw the answering machine blinking. She hit play as she started looking for crackers.

"Hello, this message is for Buffy Summers. This is Sue from the Double Meat Palace. We are concerned because Buffy hasn't shown up for her shift, which started at noon. We have a lot of unexplained disappearances around here and just want to know if we should expect to her again. Thanks!"

She picked up the phone to call the Double Meat Palace.

"Double Meat Palace, this is Sue how can I help you?"

"Sue, its Buffy. I'm sick and I am not coming in today. Actually I am never coming back in, I quit."

"What? You quit? But we need you. Please reconsider."

"Sorry, but I just can't do it anymore."

Buffy hung up on Sue. It was over; her stint at the Double Meat palace was done. Time had flown by; it didn't seem to Buffy that she had been in the bathroom as long as she had been. She finally dug out a box of Saltines, and fixed her soda. She decided an afternoon of lounging about watching TV was the best medicine.

Dawn and Xander should have been back by now. Registration had never been that dangerous, most kids made it through that. The phone started ringing. Buffy just didn't have the energy to get off the couch.

"Buffy? This is Dawn, Xander and me are gonna get some lunch. Then he said I can come to the job site with him and file some paperwork for him, in a completely non-child labor violations sort of way. We'll be home after 5, I figured you and your vomit could use some alone time. Bye!"

Buffy decided Dawn was officially psychic, and incredibly Saint-like. She settled in for a nice afternoon of couch, snacks and TV. Life was good. The shower could wait, daytime trash TV was too good to miss. She wondered if bathrobes were acceptable daywear. Just as she got settled in the doorbell rand. Buffy decided not to answer it. It's probably just a Jehovah's Witness, No, I don't want a copy of the Watchtower, and no, I haven't accepted Jesus Christ as my personal lord and savior, now please get off of my porch! The bell kept ringing. Then whoever it was started pounding on the door.

"Slayer? Are you in there? Damnit! If you are in there you really need to let me in, I am literally 2 steps from Big Pile o' Ashes!"

Spike? Spike was here? If she hadn't been warned she would hardly believe it.

"Calm down Spike, I'm coming!"

She opened the door, and it was true: Spike was two steps from sunlight.

"Where's your blanket? How'd you get here? Why's your hair all dark?" She was looking for signs of the DeSoto or other vampire transport.

"Can 20 questions wait until I am safely inside and not about to burst into flames?"

"Oh, yeah sure, come in, I forgot we uninvited you after you left. Giles idea, b.b.b..but I was all like, yeah Giles good idea, I was thinking that too."

"Whatever." Spike pushed his way past Buffy. "Damn Slayer you look like hell, what's wrong with you?"

Buffy forgot she was standing there, bed headed out, streaky cry faced, barefoot in a bathrobe. The last time Spike had seen her she had looked nearly the same, but a lot more bruised on the outside.

"Nothings wrong, I just had a rough morning. So, how did you get here? And seriously, did you run out of peroxide cos the dark hair is sort of freaking me out."

"I show up on your doorstep in the middle of the day and you are worried about my sodding hair? That's priceless! Can't a vamp change his look? You know prior to the last 60 years, people really didn't bleach their hair. My hair was like this until the mid seventies, pet. Lack of sun, darkens it up, I think it used to be more like yours, but time and subterranean life can really suck its honey out."

"Okay-"

"Oh yeah, how'd I get here. Red and her new friends sent me on a one-way trip through some portal to drop me here, on your porch in broad damn daylight. Trust me, when they said they were sending me back here, I imagined home sweet crypt, not your porch."

"Giles, tomorrow my ass" Buffy cursed under her breathe.

"What was that?"

"Giles borrowed my bass. You know the singing fish? I really need it back; Dawn has a school project on bass, not the singing kind of course. Oh screw it. Giles warned me you were coming, but he told me it would be tomorrow. I mean he never mentioned you were going to be dumped in my lap."

"Well this isn't my idea of a picnic either, pet. Mind if I stay here until it's safe to go out? I mean there isn't any place I can really go right now."

"Yeah it's fine. Beware though, Clem redecorated the Crypt. The current style can only be described as Jen love Ben, and there are way too many posters of J. Lo's booty."

"Terrific, I'm gone 4 months and Clem makes my posh, dark crypt into a worship den to Entertainment Tonight."

"He does have a thing for Mary Hart."

"Great."

It was then Buffy could sense him staring at her chest.

"Um, Hello Spike? Stop the drool fest. Do you want me to throw you right back out the door? Cos I can you know!" She knew he wasn't checking her out, he was noticing the pendant around her neck, his pendant.

"I see my parcels made it here safe and sound. Like the trinket, love?"

"God! In your note you said you'd changed? What? Have you become and even bigger pain in my ass?" Buffy was forcing her sarcasm, Spike could see straight through it. She was hurting inside, over what he wasn't sure.

"So Giles didn't let the cat out of the bag did he?"

"What cat? No, he didn't tell me about Spike's Egyptian Adventure. Was it full of thrills and spills? I can see the photos now, Spike standing in front of black on all of them. Captions reading: Spike at Pyramids, Spike at Sphinx, Spike at Valley of Kings, blah blah blah. I really don't need your vacation memories."

"It was hardly a holiday." His voice dropped two octaves, into the serious range. Buffy noticed this.

"Yeah? Well tell me about it poor Spikey! You had it easy! After you're oh so elegant exit last spring, I watched my best friend turn completely evil, flay Warren alive, attempt to kill Andrew and Jonathan, then attempt to end the world! Did I mention I got shot, and basically died AGAIN? Then I got to bury Tara, and before she was 5 minutes in the ground Giles whisked Willow off to jolly old England to fix her. Then I got to try to clean up Willow's mess, help Anya put back together the remains of the magick shop, only to beg Xander to pay for the full copper repipe cos flinging faux meat wasn't cutting it around here. Now I get to send Dawn off to Hell, I mean High School, which of course is right on top of the Hell mouth AGAIN! This too is going to cost me a fortune in hip new clothes for princess Dawn, not to mention lunch money! Do you have any idea how much she eats? My god it's astonishing! Now I get a phone call from Giles about the next big bad, which is going to be really bad, so bad that he needs me to baby-sit some people for him, and then he tells me that a former big bad now neutered vamp is coming back to help me with aforementioned new big bad. Then he tells me you have changed, and I get this package in the mail from you about how you've changed, and now you show up here and I am all confused and I am all upset!"

Buffy crumbled to the floor in a mess of tears.

"Buffy? Jesus are you alright? Come on now, lets go have a seat on the couch and you can tell me all about it."

Spike picked her up, and she didn't fight it. She wrapped her arms around his neck and clung like an injured child. She was choking and stuttering and trying to talk.

"S-s-s-Spike, I am so mean. I-I-I-I'm a b-bad person."

"Shhhh, Love. Just calm down here, you're not mean or bad, you're just a bit upset, it'll all be fine." Spike stroked her hair, that damn shampoo commercial hair, even when it was all ratty its still shined like gold.

"Y-y-y-you're always here when I'm broken."

"You're not broken, so just stop your blabbering. Calm down, its going to be alright. I promise."

"Why are you so nice to me?"

"Cos you're Buffy, it'd be impossible not to be nice to you. Now just be still."

As they sat there on the couch she still rested in his arms, as she had when he carried her. It was so odd to Spike, this girl so full of power, how she could just fall apart. Her bathrobe had exposed a thigh, and he covered it back up. She looked exactly as she had the night he attacked her, it was as if time hadn't moved.

"Buffy?"

"Yes?" She sniffled.

"I'm sorry. I know that's not enough but I never thought I was capable of what I did to you. That's why I left you know. Couldn't live with myself, knowing what a monster I really was inside, still."

"I don't want to talk about that now, just hold me"

"I need to talk about it now. Something happened to me when I was gone. Something I got. Traveled half way 'round the world so I could never be that monster again."

"What?"

"So I couldn't let myself be that monster again, not to you, not to anyone. Regardless of chip status, I did it for and because of you."

She started to back away off of his lap, almost as if he were about to combust. She moved towards the opposite end of the couch. Staring at him the whole time.

"I don't get it Spike. Is this about Egypt? You saw some old crap and stopped being a monster?"

"You know Slayer? You are fickle. One minute you're clinging to me like a kitten, and the next you're being an absolute bint looking at me like I'm going to eat you."

"Stop side tracking Spike! Tell me what you did! Did you take the chip out?"

Spike looked down into his lap, it wasn't supposed to be this way. I wasn't supposed to be this hard. In his head when he rehearsed it, it was all poetic and lovely. He started talking into his lap. "I got back my soul."

"What? Speak up!"

"Damnit girl! I got back my soul! Yeah the Poof and me now share yet another trait! The big bad with a conscious, a heart of gold, blah blah blah, you know the tune, I believe you've played that flute before!"

What happened next never happened in his head when he told her.

"YOU STUPID SONOFABITCH!" She started hitting Spike, "Just when I decide to hate you, you, you go and do this!" That's when the tears started pouring out again, "Oh, No!" She got up and darted up the stairs to the bathroom. Spike could hear the heaving even downstairs.

He decided to let her be. This wasn't something he could run up stairs and rub her back to make better, or easier. After a short while, the heaving stopped, and all he could hear was her crying. He noticed on the table a package of crackers and some soda in a glass. She must be sick. Brilliant Spike, lay all of this on the girl when she's sick as a dog. Spike grabbed the items and headed upstairs to the bathroom to see if she was okay.

The door was locked. Could he really blame her after the last time he ended up in her bathroom? He knocked.

"Buffy? Are you all right? I've grabbed your biscuits and soda if you want them, I can set them outside the door for you." He could hear her moving inside, the lock clicked open. "Do you want me to come in?"

"Yeah, its fine."

She was leaned up against the bathtub. Spike had never seen her look like such a mess before. It was shocking to watch her walls crumbling down.

"Here you go, I'll just set these here." He turned to leave.

"Don't go, please don't go."

"Okay." he sat down on the floor opposite of her.

"How did you do it? Did Willow do it?"

"No, Red had nothing to do with this, this was all me. I went to Africa, sought a demon who lives in a cave. He is sort of like genie, grants wishes, but you have to pay a price. He beat the hell out of me. I had to endure horrible trials, things no one should ever have to go through. Then he restored me to my former self."

"You did that for me?"

"Well, maybe not for you, but because of you. I started to get used to not being able to hurt people, the whole chip business, then you came back and I could hurt you, and not hurt in return. I couldn't believe what I did to you. I went at first with the intention of getting the chip out so I could kill you. But by the time I made it all the way to Africa, my mind was clear and all I wanted was my soul back, so I could pay for what I'd done in a proper way. I've been paying ever since."

"Wow. So is it like Angel's soul?"

"No, its like William's soul. The man I was before all of this. You really wouldn't believe what a tosser I was. But he could never have hurt anyone; he had been hurt too much, so now I am him again, in a way. Plus, Angel's soul isn't Liam's soul. From what Darla told us, Liam was a real bastard. Liam's soul would have left Angelus in the same boat he was in as a vamp. Those gypsies made a soul for him, a soul that could feel remorse and pain."

"I meant are there any strings attached?"

"Oh, no. No true happiness clause, my trials were my payment, as well is the pain I feel today."

"I can't believe you did this."

"It's not so insane if you think about it. People change all the time, they try to be better people, or they go all crazy and mean. I've done the same in a way."

"So that's how you got me my salary. You sold your story to the Watchers Council."

"Wasn't my intention, I told Giles they needed to know about this. I needed transport out of Kenya, he helped me out. He came up with the salary bit, not me. You look really wrecked; maybe you should take a nap or something. If Dawn comes home and sees you like this, well, I'll be dust in about 2 minutes."

"I need to take a bath, and take something out for dinner, Xander and Anya are coming over tonight for food. Can you stay a while longer? I'm sorry I beat you up. Come here."

She grabbed the corner of her robe and wiped some blood off of his split lip.

"I didn't even realize I was all bloodied up. I was too worried about you. I didn't mean to have to lay this on you so suddenly you know? This wasn't my plan. Are Xander and Anya...?"

"No, they aren't together, they are civil and will eat in the same room with each other. I know you weren't planning this, this way. I'm gonna get a refill, can you run some water for me?"

"I can get you some more soda, you just sit here."

"No, I need to get up, walk around, its fine, make it hot."

"Okay."

Buffy got up and walked out of the bathroom. Spike wondered what just happened, what just went on between them? Had she cracked? Did she just lose all sense? Or did she understand? Spike turned the water on, and plugged the drain. He couldn't believe he was doing this, right now here in this room. He got a towel out of the closet and set it on the counter top. When he got up and turned around she was standing there, stark naked.

"Jesus Buffy!" He turned back around quickly, "What in the hell are you doing?"

"I'm taking a bath, to do that you sort of need to be naked. Its not like it's anything you haven't seen."

Spike knew it, she had officially gone mad. Giles was so going to kill him for this, cos it was his fault.

"I'm going to go now, downstairs, telly time you know, Oprah should be on any minute."

"No. Stay."

"Buffy I really can't, I can't be in a room with you all naked and the like, it's a bit too much for me. I mean you know how I feel about you, this is sort of inappropriate."

"Stay."

"Jesus Buffy, no! Are you just in the torturing mood or is this residual from the crying?"

"I know how you feel about me, and its okay. Can you just wash my back, please?"

"Fine, turn around first."

"William must have been modest."

"Yes he was, and a proper gentleman too, but Spike's still in here so just turn around." He could hear the water splash. When he turned around her back was to him.

"Use the scrubbie thingy. Do those things have a name?"

"Um Loofah? I'm really not into girly bath products."

"No loofah is all natural looking. Hmm I don't know what its called, but here, use it." She handed him the scrubbie thing.

His arm started to shake. Was he really doing this? Had one of those sleeping pills Giles gave him knocked him out this hard? The water was hot, and just the thought of touching her made him want to convulse. Conversation, say something stupid.

"So, Where's the Niblet today? It's her summer holiday isn't it? I figured she'd be watching soap operas and sleeping all day."

"Oh Xander took her to registration this morning and now she's helping him at the job site or something. I think she said filing. That feels nice."

Why is she doing this to me? Is this some sort of test? Is she testing my self-restraint? What the hell is this?

"Buffy, I really can't do this. I'm sorry."

She turned around suddenly. "Stop it, you are acting like I am a leper."

"The problem is, you're not a leper. It's taking every bit of my self-control not to jump in the tub with you right now. I know it'd be wrong, but I can't help thinking it. Touching you isn't making that better."

"Shut up" She grabbed his hand, and put it on her shoulder, "See, you aren't dying, you're fine."

"Its not that I'm dying, its that, Damnit. I don't want to do this right now! This isn't right"

"Yes it is." she grabbed him and kissed him. He almost lost it right there. He pushed her off.

"Damnit Buffy! I didn't come back here to be your plaything. I came back because I love you, and I want to help you, and take care of you. Not because I want have my heart stomped on and salted!"

Her face started to crunch up again.

"Don't cry, I just don't think this is right for you." he touched her hand, "Please Buffy, don't do this, it kills me to see you like this."

"No no no no" she started to whisper, "you don't understand."

"What don't I understand, luv?" the echo of the tub amplified her whispers.

"I did feel something, you were right, I couldn't see it."

"Nonsense, stop this, you are only trying to make me feel better, and it's working, but you should really stop this."

"Damnit William, you know what I have been doing for the last 4 months? Trying to forget YOU!"

Spike's mouth fell open. This must be a dream, this was not happening. He stepped back a few steps.

Buffy? Are you serious, if you aren't you better take that back right now. I promise to act like it never happened. You are in a delicate state, lets see how you feel about me tomorrow.

Spike walked out of the bathroom, and headed downstairs. This was unbelievable. This couldn't be happening, not today, not ever. He needed to feed. When Buffy was gone, he had a nice store of blood in the freezer. House rules: No Human blood in the house! So it would inevitably be pig's blood. He reached into the freezer, and there were two cartons left. He warmed one up in the microwave, and leaned against the counter. He could remember so many conversations in this kitchen, mainly with Joyce. She was a good woman, always treated him like a man. What would she have to say about all of this? She'd have told Spike to find a new girl, and fast, that is if he hypothetically brought up the situation to her. Screw it, he needed a smoke, if she was going to do this to him, then he was damn well smoking in her house. But just so she didn't freak out he did it in front of the range hood with the fan on to suck the stink out. How was he supposed to do his job now?

Buffy knew it was one of those days she should have never woken up. She should have never gotten out of bed. It was days like this that reminded her how good she had it when she was dead. She finally spilled the beans and he didn't believe her. He thought that she was making it up. He was probably down in the kitchen heating up blood right now.

The bathwater was getting cold, and this idea had long outlived its goal. She pulled the plug from the drain, and got out. Of course he put out a towel for her, which was just his nature. How could she convince him that he was what she wanted? Both Angel and Riley had given up on her at some point in their relationships. Angel didn't need to fill his inadequacy with blood-whores, but he did turn evil. Spike never gave up on her, even when she was dead he kept his promise. When she came back he was the only one who really listened. She could forgive the Buffy-bot, as well as other weirdness; she could even forgive what had happened in this very bathroom. Spike was the only one who got even close to knowing her. Really knowing her. Not all of Buffy was pretty and shiny; some of it was messy and dangerous, most of it was messy and dangerous actually. He didn't care; he wanted her and loved just the same.

The bathrobe would not be appropriate dinner wear, even with Xander and Anya. Anya would surely make some rude, snide remark about how Buffy was letting herself go. How would she explain Spike's sudden reappearance? It's not like vamps teleport to her porch every day. This was going to be messy like most of the day had been. At least the puking had stopped. Jeans and a tee shirt were going to have to be good enough; it was all she could muster. Going downstairs was not going to be easy.

As she went down the stairs she could smell the smoke of cigarettes. He was smoking in the house. The fan was running in the kitchen too. This was just all too surreal.

Give me your lighter, Spike.

What? I was just trying to calm myself down, this lighter is like a friend.

I'm not throwing it out moron, I am lighting some candles so it doesn't stink like Willy's in here.

Fine, here He tossed her the lighter. She started lighting candles, Buffy wondered if things could get any more awkward. The only way this could get worse would be for Dawn and crew to come home to this.

So, What are you going to make for dinner then?

I don't know, I was thinking spaghetti, something easy. Damnit, garlic, it'll totally freak you.

No one's explained that one to you? Garlic messes with a vampires ability to smell, thus we can't pick up prey or hunt. That's why people use it on doors and windows; it's to keep vampires from smelling them. The garlic does nothing of harm to us, really.

So garlic bread is a safe option with you around?

Yeah, don't worry about it love. You know, I hate to rehash old news, but remember what I said up there, about tomorrow? I meant that, if you feel the same way tomorrow, I am more than happy to be yours, you know this. I just don't want you to regret that.

Sauce with mushrooms or sauce with meat? Meat right? Everyone loves the meat sauce.

Buffy are you listening to me? Have you gone completely nuts?

I heard you, and I am telling you, tomorrow nothing changes, except my socks and underwear. If I couldn't shake it in 4 months, after you attack me, I think its pretty much here to stay. But if you want a 24 hour waiting period or something that's fine, but I will not let you do a background check, that's just an infringement of my privacy.

You are serious aren't you?

Would I do this if I wasn't? She walked up and gave him a kiss, not a hot passionate fire kiss, but a soft kiss of faith.

You are bloody remarkable woman, did you know that?

You aren't going to leave are you, you know when they come home? It'll be less than an hour. Anya sometimes shows up sooner, she sort of loses track of time while teleporting, one of the hazards of being a vengeance demon.

No, I'll stay, unless they try to kill me in which case I will have to run you know?

I'll deal with that.

You look like you're about to pass out. Maybe you should leave this until they get here, its fast enough. Take a rest on the sofa or something.

Are you asking me for sex?

No, I am telling you you look like hell, and should probably grab a nap. Honestly.

Oh, okay. Sorry, kinda touchy, rough day, well you were here, you know. Actually that sounds like a good idea. Buffy grabbed Spike by the hand and took him into the living room.

ESPN has some sort of soccer thing on this week. I saw it when I was flipping earlier. I know you Brits and your football. Buffy laid her head on his lap. Wake me up if they get here and I am passed out.

Right, no problem. Buffy?



Is this really happening? I mean are we something now?

Yeah, I guess so.

As Spike flipped through the channels he fixed her hair so it wasn't all wild. He lightly rubbed her back while she fell asleep. She looked like a little angel when she was asleep, who would have guessed that this beautiful girl could be the world's salvation, time and time again?