it may not always be so;and i say
that if your lips,which i have loved,should touch
another's,and your dear strong fingers clutch
his heart,as mine in time not far away;
if on another's face your sweet hair lay
in such a silence as i know,or such
great writhing words as,uttering overmuch,
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;

if this should be,i say if this should be-
you of my heart,send me a little word;
that i may go unto him,and take his hands,
saying,Accept all happiness from me.
Then shall i turn my face,and hear one bird
sing terribly afar in the lost lands.
-ee cummings, "it may not always be so" from XI

Sunnydale California, Summers' House

It was cold on the back porch. As summer faded to fall, even a place like Sunnydale got colder. Spike took a long drag on his cigarette, and stared at the stars. Dru had loved the stars. She could read them, knew what they were saying; he wished he could read them now. His Guiness was almost gone, but the last thing he wanted to do right now was go back into that house. He knew this was going to happen, eventually. Spike never could have imagined less than a week after returning that his whole world would get flipped once again.

"So I guess I should be welcoming you to some sort of secret club." It was Angel, behind him, coming outside.

"Yeah, well you were never one for welcoming me with open arms, so lets not start now."

"You know Darla tried to stake me right? I mean after I got the soul."

"Nope, she never really mentioned you after you were gone, unless you count crying all sodding day."

"Yeah, well she did. I almost let her, not at the time, but I considered returning and letting her do me in. It was awful."

"Yeah, well can't say my experience has been a picnic. What are you doing out here? Trying to bond with me or something? You should know, I'm not interested, never have been, never will."

"Ooo Aren't we tough? You know I don't buy it for a second Spike, I know you, have for longer than just about anyone on earth. I know your insides are clawing away at you. Pain is all you know, your brain throbs with it. Night is the worst because all those late night feedings come back to haunt you. It doesn't even need to be things you did, it could be things you let happen. But now, you can't do anything about it, nothing will make up for it, and you can't change the past. So now you exist, in between, half living, half dead, a veritable halfling, just trying to get to tomorrow. The one thing driving that move, is her, she keeps you going forward instead of looking back wards."

"So?"

"When you're with her the headaches stop, the nightmares stop, everything is fine right?"

"Yeah?" Spike turned to look at Angel with a definite tone of surprise in his voice.

"I went through nearly 100 years of what you are going through right now, the guilt, the pain, the terror, and then I met her, you know Buffy. Suddenly it all stopped. I couldn't explain it, I still can't, I don't know why it happened, but it did." Angel sat down on the back porch next to Spike. "I remember the day I first saw her. She was fresh, young, full of sunshine. That girl is gone now. But I guess, I mean how fresh can she be expected to be after dying twice?"

"Good point. So does it get any easier after her?"

"No, but you learn to control it. See, its about the past, we are so fixated on what could have been, how things could have been different, how we screwed things up, that we fail to see the future. When you dwell in the past it drowns you with guilt. Are you sorry for what you did?"

"In a way yes, but in a way no. I mean I was a vampire for Christ's sake! I mean that was my place in the world, and my duty was to do evil and eat people. No, its not right, but it was my place, just as now it is my place not to do those things, hasn't been my place for years, so its not such a dramatic change for me."

"I guess not. It changed everything for me, but then again I was being punished, you chose this path. Bit masochistic aren't you?"

"Shut up, poof."

A silence fell between them. A certain understanding of who they were in relation to each other. Now, not just grandsire and childe, but comrades in struggle, soul brothers as it were.

"You love her right?" Angel broke the silence.

Spike lit another cigarette, "I fancy I do."

"You know you can never give her a normal life, a life that she can grow old in."

"She's not meant to have a normal life now is she? How many housewives have come back from the dead twice? How many of them fight the forces of evil every day? How many have averted apocalypse after apocalypse? None. You didn't see the miserable failings of her attempt at a normal relationship. Its just not in the cards for her I'd bet."

"How could you do this to her though? I mean, she deserves to walk in the sun."

"How can she walk in the sun when she's too busy sleeping off a night of patrolling? Or a double shift at the Double Meat hell hole? For fucks sake, she's the slayer!"

Angel laughed, "You really don't get it do you Spike? She's not one of us."

"And mate, you don't get it, she's not and will never be one of them. She walks in the shadows, in the inbetween, she is like you and I, what did you call it, a halfling? She gets to live in this world, but not really be apart of it. Captain Cardboard didn't get it either. He thought one day she'd be able to hang up her stakes and pop out a few ankle biters. Its never going to happen. Eventually she will lose, she will die, again, and the witch won't be able to bring her back. I get that. I was here last time, when she was gone, I know it will happen again, but its not going to happen on my watch and thats for damn sure."

"Your watch? My, Spike, so protective, you'd think she was Drusilla."

"You leave her out of this. Did you know I offered to kill her to prove to Buffy how much I loved her? Did you know I tried everything I could to get her to love me back, and the whole time I was trying to figure out why you had gotten that? Then it dawned on me, you had a soul. To her no matter how I proved my valor or my complete devotion, it was never going to be that spark. When she came back she was shut down, shut out, and everyone expected her to be right as rain. She wasn't, I saw it, the pain, the confusion, the desperation..."

"Yeah and you moved right in for the kill didn't you?"

"No, she came to me in confidence, so it lead to something more, physical, who cares? That wasn't what I was in it for, I was trying to do my part to bring her back. I won't deny that she's one hell of a shag, wow. But Angel, what did you do? Save damsels in distress in Los Angeles? Gee, sorry that doesn't seem as important as the love of your bloody unlife. You weren't here, I was, simple as that."

"You think it didn't kill me to leave?"

"It must not have, because you not only left, you never came back. If you really loved her you would have stayed, no matter how hard it was. There had to be some way to get that loop hole out of your souling, I mean bloody hell, Red is one hell of a Wicca, she could figure it out. But no, you left, and you never looked back."

"I did look back. If you knew what I went through you'd shut up."

"Awww poor Angel, so tormented. Brood, brood, brood. You know I don't pity you for one second, you or your sodding soul. You were punished, and thats that. It wasn't supposed to be a party for you."

"I gave it up."

"Gave what up? Your blood lust? Yeah I know, I was there remember?"

"No, I was human, for a day. I gave it up, for her."

"Don't be so gallant. If you really had loved her, you would have stayed human, aged and died like the rest of them, just to be with her, God knows I would."

"I would have gotten her killed, I was useless."

"She keeps that wanker, Xander around and he hasn't gotten her killed, and he's completely useless. Unless useful is destroying a perfectly good woman and driving her back into the vengeance business, in which case, yes, he's been useful. Plus remember, she's destined to die anyways."

"I couldn't do that to her."

"Why because you wouldn't be Angel the savior of the people? Fuck the people, she's the only one that matters. You really don't get it. You never got it. Its why Dru an me never made sense to you. I only did it for her. I want the moon on a stick."

"You really did spend too much time with Drusilla, you know that?"

"You don't know me, and you never have. I seek the unattainable, the holy grail, the gem of Amarra, the thing that is just out of reach, over the horizon. Sometimes I get it, but most of the time, I get nothing but longing. I need it, I have to have it to drive me, without the dream I don't know how to go forward. I want the moon on a stick, as long as I can see the moon, I can believe it is possible for me to wrangle it in. She is my moon, she pushes me forward, she wills me to do. Without the dream, the wish, the thought, I am nothing. I have nothing, except myself, which isn't enough."

Angel was speechless, he could not form words in his mouth. Over 100 years he had known Spike, and he has always though of him as this loose cannon, this random chaos generator with few if any singular motivations. Now it was different. Angel felt small, for he could see that what Spike felt for Buffy was more than obsession, it really was love. Not the twisted version of love he had first thought Spike felt, but an actual need for her, an actual sense of direction from her.

Wesley woke up early and headed out for donuts and coffee. He recalled the many mornings spent in the high school library watching Buffy and her friends fight over the jelly filled ones with Giles looking on, hoping one would be left. Things seemed to be so much more complicated now. So much had happened since he left this small town, so many bonds had been broken, so much shattered. It seemed that things changed more radically here in Sunnydale, than they ever did in LA.

Wesley called the airport to find out when flights came in. Of course he could never be sure which one would bring Giles to this place, he just wanted a sense of direction, an idea.

The Summer's home was mostly awake when he returned. Angel and Spike still slept, but this wasn't a surprise as they were vampires after all. He wondered what was with this whole Spike having a soul thing. He would have to ask Giles about it, for it was just too far fetched for Wesley to wrap his thoughts around.

Anya and Xander showed up early as well. Anya was constantly complaining that this was interfering with her work load, and that D'Hoffryn would not be pleased by this. Xander just looked at her, Wesley could see that his love for her was not gone, it was still there, bubbling beneath the surface, simmering away.

Buffy looked lost. The girl that was when he left had long since checked out. It wasn't that she seemed vacant, it was more weathered. worn down, eroded by time. This wasn't a surprise considering her recent resurrection, only a year before. Still, she seemed ready to walk away, to pass the crown to the next Miss Slayer and retire. This wasn't a possibility, he knew that, Faith was in prison, and even if released there was no guarantee that she wouldn't go psycho again. This time, with the only option being killing her, so a new slayer could be called forth.

Around 11 O'clock Giles called to say he would be there in a half an hour. He didn't want anyone to pick him up, he would take a cab. He was surprised when Wesley told him about bringing the AI group with him, but he didn't seem angry, instead claiming that this would be best for all the parties involved. Giles sounded tired, with a hint of worry. Wesley didn't know what to make of it, but told Giles he would see him soon enough to work through what was going to happen and how they could all be beneficial to the events.

Buffy found Spike asleep in the attic. No one ever really went up there, many of her mother's things had been packed away up there, and it was with a wave of unease that she headed up there to look for him. She had found him up here once before, after Joyce died, he was looking through her things. Buffy had become outraged and threw him, literally, out of the house. When she couldn't find him in the rest of the house, she figured this was the only other place he could be, he seemed to know her house better than her.

He had dragged out her grandfathers military issue cot, which had been stored up here among photo albums and lost memories of generations of her family. It never ceased to amaze her at how dead vampires actually looked when asleep. She knew that they were actually dead, but it was still creepy as hell to witness, it gave her the wiggins.

She wanted to sit there and just stare at him, in all his nonmoving glory. She had become troubled, confused, her feelings jumbled by Angel's presence. It was different when he was in LA, so far away that some days she didn't think of him at all. To see the two of them arguing, okay not arguing, discussing the status of themselves in front of her was a new sensation that she didn't want to remain. Angel had been her first love, her first real experience with love, and of course it ended up terribly, as all relationships inevitably do. If someone could show Buffy a functioning relationship she'd be happy to believe they existed, but as it stood, she believed more in leprechauns, wait, Santa Claus than that.

She loved Angel, god, did she love him. He took the breath from her, he made the world so much less complicated. Everything was easier with him around, but he hadn't been around through the worst of it. In fact he was no where to be seen. She had met with him once, but ended up feeling worse for it. It wasn't fair, couldn't those gypsies had come up with a better loop hole? Maybe one regarding Barry Manilow, cos his obsession with those sappy crappy songs was really bizarre. She was still madly, head over heels in love with him, he hurt her time and time again, but it still couldn't stop her from being absolutely crazy for him. She had known things with Riley would never really work, because she never felt that way about him, not even for a second.

Spike on the other hand, made something in her boil. He could make her so angry she could rip his head off. As a pair they had done some incredibly degrading things, but somehow Buffy had still liked them. Spike was the kind of man who could toss you around, match you move for move, both in bed and out. Maybe that was what she had wanted about him. He was no Angel, not by the farthest stretch of the imagination. He was at first a way for her to feel something, even if it was disgust with herself and pain, but she knew she had made him treat her that way. He didn't want to make her feel that way, but she had wanted him to, and so he did. But it had grown into something else. He had continued to fight on their side, he had kept his promise regarding Dawn, he had been babysitting her the night she was brought back. He had not been in on that raiding party, for if he had, none of this would have ever happened. But now somehow she felt for him, she understood this unspoken thing between them. It was heat, maybe he had been right, great love is wild, passionate, dangerous and it burns and consumes, not until there is nothing left, but until time runs out. Maybe that was it.

"Well pet, if you stare long enough maybe it'll all just disappear." Spike startled her. She didn't realize how long she had been standing there, staring, lost in her own thoughts.

"I was, was just coming up here to look for you, cos Giles is gonna be here soon, and I figured you'd want in on the deal with the latest big bad of Sunnydale."

"Well looking for and staring at are fundamentally different things, thought you'd know that by now, Pet." Spike sat up, the blanket wrapped around him, naked legs swinging down. He scratched his chest, and looked down for his clothes.

"Spike..." He stopped and looked up at her.

"Yes?"

"I do care about you, you know that right?"

"Yeah, I reckon I do."

She walked towards him. "You know that I love Angel."

Spike shifted, uncomfortable, "If you think I'm so daft as to..."

"Shhh..." She squatted in front of him, placing her hand on his face, "You never let me finish. I do love Angel, but that doesn't mean I can't love you. I mean you went through all this stuff for me, and I am grateful, I really am."

"Grateful, of course, she's grateful. I fight Macho Man Fire Hands, and she's grateful, bloody hell." Spike's defenses hadn't come down from the night before. "Pet, grateful isn't love. Grateful is gee, thanks, you're real swell, not I love you."

"Fine, is this the way you want it to be? Is it easier for you if I don't love you? Is that it, because I remember a certain vampire giving me a speech about how I wasn't in love with the darkness, no I loved the misery, I couldn't stand to be happy, I had to suffer. Now it sounds like he is just a little bit in love with the torture, the suffering, the misery. So fine Spike, have it your way, I don't love you, I barely can stand to have you in the same room with me." Buffy stood up and turned to leave. Spike grabbed her arm and jerked her around to face him again.

"Stop the dramatic bullshit Buffy. I watch daytime TV, I see enough of it there, what are you the walking Young and the Restless?" She had put on the pouty face, she knew Spike couldn't resist it. "Don't do that, it isn't going to work anymore pet, you can't just say things and expect everything to work out fine. That's not how it works anymore. This, this, crap, may have worked with Angel but it will never work with me. You understand?" To emphasize his point he shook her.

She understood, she knew what was happening here, she could feel it rise in her, she could feel it working its way through her system, the electricity between them was suffocating. Buffy twisted her arms out of his grasp and pushed him down on the cot. His face filled with a look of shock as she straddled him.

"I understand, I know." She growled in his ear as she grabbed the back of his head. "Real love is passionate, wild and dangerous, it burns and consumes. You are consuming me."

She could feel his body tense beneath her, his hands slid up her back to her hair. He had always loved her hair, she had wondered if it was some sick remnant from his thing with Harmony, but Harmony always had really bad hair, so deep down she knew that wasn't true.

"You are so bad for me you know that girl?" He moved his hands under her blouse to touch the soft skin on her back. It made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. "Never did I ever think that this would happen."

She leaned back and pulled her blouse off. He turned her over and laid her down on the cot. Her skirt had hiked itself up when she mounted him, he ran his hands up her thighs and pulled off the thong she was wearing, he could feel the heat radiating from her. She unzipped the side of her skirt and pushed it down and pulled him on top of her. Then she looked him dead in the eye. "I love you." He only smiled at her.

In that moment he didn't care if she actually meant it, he began kissing her with the ferocity he had always wanted to unleash on her, he ran his hands behind her and unsnapped the bra she was wearing. He cupped one of her small breasts in his hand, lightly fingering the nipple, to him they were the most perfect breasts in the whole world, but to him everything about her was perfect. She ran a single hand down his stomach with the slightest feather touch, as her hand grasped him he let out a slight moan, and pushed his face into her neck. He could smell it right below the surface, her blood, he could feel her heart beat beneath his lips and it was almost too much, his mouth where Angel's once was, her marked forever by him, by Dracula, but never by him. She moved her hand up and down him, and the other dragged at the back of his neck. He knew she was more than ready for him to enter her, she always was, but he moved his hands down her body, kissing and licking his way to her stomach. He had craved her while he was gone, her smell, her taste was always just beyond him and he hungered for it even more once the soul had returned, it wanted her. He moved his hand against her the way that had always made her eyes pop, she was slick and he wanted to jump to action so badly, but he knew that this was the time for restraint, this wasn't like before, hard and fast and crazy. The soft brown curls told him she wasn't a natural blonde, but he had known that, and well, he wasn't exactly one himself.

She put a hand on his head and twisted the curls around her fingers, her back arched slightly when he rubbed his hand against her, that had always put her under his spell, his rapture, his thrall. Her legs slid over his shoulders and ran the length of his pale white back as he put his hands beneath her and slightly lifted her to his mouth. She wondered if he had been born this gifted or if Drusilla, crazy Drusilla, had taught him all of this; if so, she desperately needed to thank her. In the past this ritual had been hurried, but now he was going at a painfully slow pace, languidly savoring her, bringing her to the brink of ecstasy and pulling her back again. Varying between his mouth and his fingers, she had never known how this could be until she was with him. He knew what he was doing her, savoring her, slowing her down. Even as she began to slightly buck into him, him feeling her oncoming orgasm he would stop, making her body beg him to continue. He didn't, instead he kissed her inner thigh and began to move back up to her.

When he kissed her, she could taste herself commingled with the slight taste of cigarettes and alcohol. With one deft move he lifted her and entered her, causing her to gasp, her eyes to widen. He was on his knees, and he pulled her up to straddle him, her wrapping her legs around him, and slowly grinding against him. They were kissing again, slowly, playfully, occasionally having to stop so she could catch her breath or for one of them to let forth a groan or a moan. He couldn't hold her close enough, he wanted nothing more than for her to melt into him, for him to truly consume her into his being. She had begun to push against him more quickly, and he could feel his release building in him, it was almost as if for a second his heart could beat and pump his blood once again. She pulled him into her and put her head over his shoulder, breathing hard flushing his back with hot air.

She started to to make the low guttural noises, primal sounding at best, which meant she was almost there. He was thankful that she made them, because they overrode the growl he often couldn't contain as he came. "Oh god, Spike, oh my god," She started to convulse against him, her pleasure waving over her like the high tide, "Bite me, please bite me." He could hardly believe the words that escaped her mouth, they seemed as alien as I love you, but somehow were less surprising. He had often hidden his face when he came, for most of the time he couldn't control it, he went into game face without realizing it. This was never a problem with Dru or Harmony, but he felt it was somehow unfair to Buffy to show her that side of him in such an intimate moment. "Do it! Please.." she was out of her mind, there was no other explanation, but his mouth so close to her neck and her smell, and the incredible pace of her heart, along with her begging drove him to it. As he sunk his teeth into her he felt his orgasm shoot through him into her, but what he was unprepared for was her bucking into him so hard he almost lost his bite.

Her blood was hot and sweet, it reminded him of the Chinese slayer's. The same blood that had been licked from his mouth by Drusilla as they had made love on the temple floor further desecrating the place. He could feel when he had drained just enough from Buffy to leave her high. Humans got off on it if you only took a bit.

"Oh my god, he's eating her!" Anya's shrill voice broke the moment. Anya ran back down the stairs in a fury.

Spike immediately pulled away, as Buffy fell against him, panting, soaked with sweat, him still inside her. Blood trickling down from her neck to create a river between her breasts. It took all his strength not to lick it clean. He started to move back wards, to gather her things to get her dressed, to get her proper. He regretted doing it, biting her, he should have known better.

Drowsily Buffy spoke, "No, don't move, stay, stay here, don't go, don't move, stay please, just stay inside me just for now please."

"Love, I think we are about to have company of the sharp and dust creating kind." Spike pulled the blanket up above them, having shaken off his face, and wiping the blood from the corners of his mouth. It had been so long since he had even touched a human, let alone had one's blood surging through him. It was strange though, with the soul, it made the spark inside almost feel as if it could burn him from the inside out. Buffy had started pulse in and out of consciousness. If there was ever a bad time for her to do this, it was right now, no one would believe him if he told them, 'but she asked me to bite her'.

Spike got off the cot, and put on his pants, he started to gather Buffy's things, to put her back together. Behind him he heard clapping.

"Oh, Bravo! Bravo! Miss Edith will be so pleased. Another slayer for my Spike? Miss Edith's tea shall run with blood tonight." Before him stood Drusilla, in a black empire waisted dress with lacy sleeves and velvet ribbon around. Drusilla was giddy.

"Bloody Hell."

"But wait, I can still see her breathing, don't disappoint, you don't want to make the faeries angry, finish your job. The pixies and the faeries fight over who's always right, when neither shall ever win. I smell a soul, and a liar." Drusilla's tone had changed from mercurial to one of despotic anger. "I thought poor Willie when they put it in your head, plastic and wires and witchcraft, I saw her dancing all over you, drowning you, and now all I see is you, alone, forever."

Spike moved forward to grab Drusilla, maybe throw her out the window into the morning sun, end this once and for all. When he reached out though, his hand went straight through her.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk, Naughty little Willie. The bravest knight in all the land? Never you, Never you. It isn't your time yet, but when it is, remember from beneath you it devours." She turned from him, and dissipated finally exiting in a burst of light.

"Spike? What's going on?" Buffy was awake again.

"Nothing love, we need to get you dressed, they'll be up here any second, come on, up with you." Spike helped her get dressed, she was woozy, but she was there. "Do you remember what happened?"

"I do. We had sex, and I asked you to bite me, and you did and it was good. That's about the ability my brain has to 'splain things right now. Sex good, bite good, tired but happy. Tree pretty, fire bad." She was hanging on him, and pushing her head against his chest for stability. She was still a bit out of it.

"What in the hell is going on here?"

"Great, its Captain Hair Gel and the Magnificent Poofettes here to save the day." As Spike turned around he saw Xander, Angel, Anya, Gunn, Fred, Wesley and pretty much any other able body in the house standing opposite of them, armed to the gills with weaponry to essentially introduce him to his real afterlife, or would that be afterdeath?

Buffy stumbled forward. "Stop! Stop! No, no, no, you have to go back downstairs. You don't understand. Woo!" Buffy squealed as she almost fell, Spike catching her. "Okay, now seriously, go down the stairs, and put all those things away, and it will all be good."

"What did you do to her you miserable bastard?" Angel was getting pissed now.

"Ooo! Isn't Angel big and strong and scary? I'm so scared now, aren't you Spike? Wow, all we'd need is Darla and it'd be like a reunion."

"What?" Spike and Angel stared at her and spoke in unison.

"Oh, stop it! Spike you saw Drusilla, she was up here in the attic, oh my god do you think she was watching us, cos eeww." Buffy was looking at Spike with a big sloppy grin.

"Drusilla was here? Did you stake her?"

"Um, well, I thought it was just one of the lovely parting gifts I got with the soul. It wasn't the first time she had come to me, I didn't realize she could see her too."

"From beneath you it devours, from beneath you it devours, is that all anybody says anymore? I mean, damn its like in my dreams, and now its in Spike's head, from beneath you it devours! Whoo hoo! Couldn't there be something else, like it takes you to the mall and buys you shoes?"

"Seriously man, what did you do to her, she's acting..." Gunn started in.

"All fucked up?" Anya finished for him. "She is, its the biting thing. Makes you all, lalalala, like drunk, but instead of you drinking you get drinked. Lots of humans get off on it, a few demons as well. Actually Riley..."

"Riley! Oh my god is he here too?" Buffy was looking around.

"Shhh. No love, the big boy scout is no where to be seen. I think you need to lay down for a bit."

"No laying," She busted out laughing, "All done with that, hungry." Buffy winked at him.

"Well then I guess we should get you some food." Spike picked her up. "Excuse me, but I think she wants something to eat, and I think Giles just walked through the front door."

"How does he know things like that, its just weird." Fred whispered to Gunn.

"I can smell him, come on don't act like tall dark and brooding over there doesn't use his nose to find people. He does."

"Hold on a second Spike, we still haven't discussed the whole biting Buffy thing."

"Oh Angel, duh, I asked him to. I mean you did it too, so what's the deal? It was good. Wee! Lets go!" Buffy kicked out her legs.

"You heard her, lets go." Spike smirked at Angel and headed down the stairs.

"You heard her, lets go," Angel mocked Spike to himself, "I've got a soul now too, she loves me, blah blah blah. God, I can't believe it's possible, but I think I like him even less with the soul." Wesley nodded and patted him on the back.

"It's okay Angel, she'll get over it." He smiled and they all headed downstairs.