I was a large shattered window, and Ryan Atwood had picked up every last
piece- Even the finely sharp ones, the ones that cut you like butter.
We almost acted as if nothing had happened as we entered the quiet house. Our heels clicked and echoed across the foyer like empty cathedrals, and I think we both heard our hearts pounding...or maybe I just heard mine.
We head straight for the living room, departing from our side by side stride, as we made our way toward the couches. I sat on the long one on the middle cushion, while Ryan sat on the other near the left.
I became fixated on my feet, as I tried to give him a decent explanation about the fit I just threw.
"Ry-"
But I cut myself off because he deserved more then that, and because I knew he wouldn't buy it anyway. Ryan wasn't dumb.
"I'm-I'm sorry..." I tell him softly and I meant it, but he doesn't say a word.
So we sit there, exchanging nothing but air and feet fascination.
Silence could say so much, and that scared me most.
I wondered what he thought of me now, and I wondered if he would understand, but I knew better. I hoped he would just come to the conclusion that I was simply off my fucking rocker, and none of which I had revealed boasted any ounce of truth, but I knew better about that too.
I hear him let out a sigh and the couch he was occupying moans. I keep my eyes on my shoes, as he joins me on the couch, stealing the spot right next to me. Our weight sort of sends us into each other and our elbows bump.
More silence...
"You tried to punch me..." He said casually in an as-a-matter-of-fact tone, while he nodded his head.
"I know." I agree with remorse.
His brows furrow, and I hear him inhale deeply, then slowly let out his air- filled cheeks.
"I'm sorry." I say again, and I see his head nod once out of the corner of my eye.
Just when I thought I was out of the woods, he suddenly asks,
"So, what was that back there?" He asks just above a whisper, but it comes out surprisingly loud.
"I don't know." But I did, and he knew that.
Silence is such a tattle tale.
"Can you tell me why you tried to punch me?" I can already sense his budding anger from a mile away.
"I thought I heard you say something but I was- I must have... heard wrong." My eyes darted for the exit, then back to my shoes.
"And what's that?"
Christ, leave it alone...
"I really don't want to talk about it..."
"You tried to punch me- Learn to talk about it." He spat out harshly.
I didn't understand why he was so mad. Sure, I may be bigger then him but none of it was muscle. I probably wouldn't have done any damage if I had punched him. I already told him I was sorry. This was absolute bullshit.
I stood up from the couch, attempting to leave when his hand shoots up and he grabs my arm to stop me.
"Let go of me, Ryan." I try to be stern but my voice breaks at the end.
"Or what, Seth?" He stood, and used the hand he has clenched on my arm to turn me around so I would be facing him, "You're gonna hit me?"
His patronizing wasn't helping at all. I just glared, and yanked my arm away from his hold.
"I said I was sorry. Isn't that enough?"
"No, it's not. You told me something back there and..." He shook his head, continuing, "I don't know what you meant. I want to know what you meant. I'm your friend, I-I want to help you."
"Friends should know when to back off! If I don't want to talk, you should respect that."
"Respect? Lately, you haven't been respectful to anyone of us. Why should we respect you when you don't respect us?"
The heels of my hands came up to my eyes and I attempted to leave yet again, but he grabs my elbow, causing my cast to scrape against my temple. I spun my body around and I pushed him away from me hard.
"Don't fucking touch me, Ryan!"
He stumbles back, and just stands there.
"What is going on with you, man?!"
For some reason, I wanted him to get mad. I wanted him to hurt me. I'd rather have physical pain mask what was going on inside of me.
"Come on, Chino!" I scream and shove him again, even harder this time, and he just takes it.
It bothered me because if it were anyone else acting this way with him, he would have decked them in a second. Why should I be treated any differently? I wasn't delicate, I could handle myself.
"I'm not going to hit you, Seth." He says evenly, and it only aggravates me even more.
"Seth." I correct him out of habit, while I pace the living room floor.
"What do you think I'm calling you?" He asks with puzzlement.
"Where are my parents?" I question because I just realized that I hadn't seen them since we arrived.
"What do you think I'm calling you?" He issues again, ignoring my question.
I sounded hypnotized, as I tried to explain,
"T-the kids at school... They-they used to call me, "He..."
God, I couldn't even say it...
"Heff." I blurt out, quickly clearing my throat almost trying to drown the word out. I shifted my weight, while my hands twisted at my shirt.
"I don't understand." He says still not comprehending.
How can he not understand?!
Can't he see me?!
"Where are mom and dad?"
"They'll be back."
Something was off... why wouldn't they be here?
"Seth-"
"But I heard wrong...right? Right, Ryan? You wouldn't call me that, would you?"
He eyes me strangely.
"You mean Heff?" he clarifies, and it rolled off his tongue so nicely like he had said it before.
I felt like he had just punched me in the gut. I actually had a hard time catching my breath.
"You heard wrong." He tells me firmly, while he nods significantly, and I just nod back.
I shiver and fall back onto the couch with a sigh.
It was so cold suddenly.
Ryan slowly joined me on the couch.
My stomach rumbles loudly, and Ryan definitely notices it.
"You must be hungry." He said with a hidden smile.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I snap at the question unintentionally and Ryan definitely didn't expect that.
"Non-."
"I'll have something later, thanks."
But later never seems to come...
We almost acted as if nothing had happened as we entered the quiet house. Our heels clicked and echoed across the foyer like empty cathedrals, and I think we both heard our hearts pounding...or maybe I just heard mine.
We head straight for the living room, departing from our side by side stride, as we made our way toward the couches. I sat on the long one on the middle cushion, while Ryan sat on the other near the left.
I became fixated on my feet, as I tried to give him a decent explanation about the fit I just threw.
"Ry-"
But I cut myself off because he deserved more then that, and because I knew he wouldn't buy it anyway. Ryan wasn't dumb.
"I'm-I'm sorry..." I tell him softly and I meant it, but he doesn't say a word.
So we sit there, exchanging nothing but air and feet fascination.
Silence could say so much, and that scared me most.
I wondered what he thought of me now, and I wondered if he would understand, but I knew better. I hoped he would just come to the conclusion that I was simply off my fucking rocker, and none of which I had revealed boasted any ounce of truth, but I knew better about that too.
I hear him let out a sigh and the couch he was occupying moans. I keep my eyes on my shoes, as he joins me on the couch, stealing the spot right next to me. Our weight sort of sends us into each other and our elbows bump.
More silence...
"You tried to punch me..." He said casually in an as-a-matter-of-fact tone, while he nodded his head.
"I know." I agree with remorse.
His brows furrow, and I hear him inhale deeply, then slowly let out his air- filled cheeks.
"I'm sorry." I say again, and I see his head nod once out of the corner of my eye.
Just when I thought I was out of the woods, he suddenly asks,
"So, what was that back there?" He asks just above a whisper, but it comes out surprisingly loud.
"I don't know." But I did, and he knew that.
Silence is such a tattle tale.
"Can you tell me why you tried to punch me?" I can already sense his budding anger from a mile away.
"I thought I heard you say something but I was- I must have... heard wrong." My eyes darted for the exit, then back to my shoes.
"And what's that?"
Christ, leave it alone...
"I really don't want to talk about it..."
"You tried to punch me- Learn to talk about it." He spat out harshly.
I didn't understand why he was so mad. Sure, I may be bigger then him but none of it was muscle. I probably wouldn't have done any damage if I had punched him. I already told him I was sorry. This was absolute bullshit.
I stood up from the couch, attempting to leave when his hand shoots up and he grabs my arm to stop me.
"Let go of me, Ryan." I try to be stern but my voice breaks at the end.
"Or what, Seth?" He stood, and used the hand he has clenched on my arm to turn me around so I would be facing him, "You're gonna hit me?"
His patronizing wasn't helping at all. I just glared, and yanked my arm away from his hold.
"I said I was sorry. Isn't that enough?"
"No, it's not. You told me something back there and..." He shook his head, continuing, "I don't know what you meant. I want to know what you meant. I'm your friend, I-I want to help you."
"Friends should know when to back off! If I don't want to talk, you should respect that."
"Respect? Lately, you haven't been respectful to anyone of us. Why should we respect you when you don't respect us?"
The heels of my hands came up to my eyes and I attempted to leave yet again, but he grabs my elbow, causing my cast to scrape against my temple. I spun my body around and I pushed him away from me hard.
"Don't fucking touch me, Ryan!"
He stumbles back, and just stands there.
"What is going on with you, man?!"
For some reason, I wanted him to get mad. I wanted him to hurt me. I'd rather have physical pain mask what was going on inside of me.
"Come on, Chino!" I scream and shove him again, even harder this time, and he just takes it.
It bothered me because if it were anyone else acting this way with him, he would have decked them in a second. Why should I be treated any differently? I wasn't delicate, I could handle myself.
"I'm not going to hit you, Seth." He says evenly, and it only aggravates me even more.
"Seth." I correct him out of habit, while I pace the living room floor.
"What do you think I'm calling you?" He asks with puzzlement.
"Where are my parents?" I question because I just realized that I hadn't seen them since we arrived.
"What do you think I'm calling you?" He issues again, ignoring my question.
I sounded hypnotized, as I tried to explain,
"T-the kids at school... They-they used to call me, "He..."
God, I couldn't even say it...
"Heff." I blurt out, quickly clearing my throat almost trying to drown the word out. I shifted my weight, while my hands twisted at my shirt.
"I don't understand." He says still not comprehending.
How can he not understand?!
Can't he see me?!
"Where are mom and dad?"
"They'll be back."
Something was off... why wouldn't they be here?
"Seth-"
"But I heard wrong...right? Right, Ryan? You wouldn't call me that, would you?"
He eyes me strangely.
"You mean Heff?" he clarifies, and it rolled off his tongue so nicely like he had said it before.
I felt like he had just punched me in the gut. I actually had a hard time catching my breath.
"You heard wrong." He tells me firmly, while he nods significantly, and I just nod back.
I shiver and fall back onto the couch with a sigh.
It was so cold suddenly.
Ryan slowly joined me on the couch.
My stomach rumbles loudly, and Ryan definitely notices it.
"You must be hungry." He said with a hidden smile.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I snap at the question unintentionally and Ryan definitely didn't expect that.
"Non-."
"I'll have something later, thanks."
But later never seems to come...