We made our way into the living room where we sat on opposite sides of the couch.
Other then the barely audible Latin music coming from the laundry room, it was rather quiet.
"He seemed really worried about you." She said suddenly her voice steady like she was repeating words coming from an earpiece.
I just nodded to her.
Honestly, I could careless about how he felt or how Ryan felt... or even how my Mother felt.
I brought my legs up to my chest, and rested my head onto my knees, still facing her.
"You only have one shoe on." She pointed out.
"It must have fallen off on the way down..." I said with a small laugh.
She didn't seem to think it was funny.
I cleared my throat, and set my feet back down onto the floor.
"Did you try to kill yourself?" She abruptly asked me in a serious tone.
Forgetting she had once tried to take her own life only a few months ago, I let out a genuine chuckle.
"No, I'd be much more creative."
I remembered pretty quickly from the look she gave me.
"Sorry" I said quietly, briefly looking down at my lack of shoe.
And then it was her turn to nod back meaninglessly.
"I really think you need to go home, Seth." She said gently, her posture was perfect as she spoke.
"Why?" I asked indifferently, lavishly letting my body sink into the leather couch.
There was a small period of silence before she spoke.
"Where did you go?" She asked rhetorically with this harsh tone.
"What?" I leaned forward, turning to her, eyes glaring.
"You aren't who you used to be..." She said shaking her head sadly.
"Who I used to be?" I began, rising from the couch, "Marissa, you don't know me enough to make that kind of assumption," I told her forcefully, standing at my full height.
"God, you're so selfish!" She screamed at me, shooting up from the couch.
Where did that come from?
"Excuse me?" I whirled around to look at her, with tightened fists.
I always wondered why people asked that when they heard it in the first place, but it just seemed necessary in this situation.
"I said you're selfish." She repeated firmly, eyes as hard as stone.
I suddenly regretted going there at all.
"What do you know?!" I spat back, and her head kind of jerked at my volume.
"I know that everyone is worried about you and you don't even care! I can't believe I lied for you!" She wasn't mad. She was hurt because in a sense, I used her, and she knew that now.
"There's nothing to be worried about! Everything is fine!" I yelled back, my voice practically breaking at the end.
"Fine!? Seth, you aren't fine! Everything isn't fine! Have you looked at yourself lately? Jesus Christ, you're fading away!" She let out, matching my volume.
I didn't want to hear that.
I swallowed hard, trying not to let my face crumble by her words.
"You don't know anything." I said to her just above a whisper. My eyes sharp and my body stiff as a board.
"I don't know everything..." She began calmly, "but I recognize the behavior you're showing me right now." She threatened, pressing her lips tightly together.
She was full of shit.
I let out an ugly laugh, smiling at her evilly.
"Enlighten me, Marissa." I mocked, still smirking at her like a bastard. I took a big step toward her, throwing my arms out, welcoming her response.
In one swift move she snatched my wrist, twisting it so the back of my hand was showing. "I'm not blind, Seth!" She screamed; bringing my hand up so I would see the scraping and bruising on my knuckles from purging, "What's this, huh?! I'm not stupid, okay?! Everyone else doesn't get it, but I do!" I tried to pull away but I was suddenly very weak. She let go of my hand, and my body fell to the floor in defeat. I was close to tears but I didn't cry. "No..." I said maybe three for four times, covering my ears, and shutting my eyes. I could feel her hands on my shoulders, trying to calm me down and I could hear her muffled voice saying something too but I couldn't hear. I didn't want to hear. Then suddenly her voice was gone and her hands stopped soothing. I pulled my hands away from my eyes to see her making her way toward the kitchen.
"What're you doing?" I questioned nervously, scrambling onto my feet.
"I'm calling your Dad." She said simply, and picked up the phone.
"NO!" I shouted, rushing over to her, "You can't!"
She had already started dialing a number when I knocked the phone out of her hands.
It was like I had no control of what I was doing.
"Seth!" She screamed fearfully, and tried to grab for the dangling phone but I got it first and pulled the cord out of the phone jack, throwing the whole thing across the kitchen.
I'll never forget the expression on Marissa's face when I looked at her, like I was this monster.
She started crying, and I think through her tears and Pilar's frantic Spanish rambling I heard her cry out for Ryan.
I gulped, softening my eyes at her. I was breathing so hard and I think I was shaking too.
"T-thanks for the clothes..." I told her robotically, and left her house through the front door.
With my arms wrapped around myself loosely, I fast-walked down her yard and onto the street, where I walked in the opposite way of my house.
The sun was coming down, and the wind blew ever-so-softly onto my face. It would be dark soon.
I turned at random corners, purposely trying to get myself lost.
She would tell them now. That... I knew.
It felt like that dream you have where you go to school naked and everyone laughs only it was worse. It was like having every page of your diary was passed out all over Newport.
But I wasn't scared or worried I was numb.
Eventually, I ended up at the intersection, where cars were still being hauled off and some building repairs were being made.
I approached the Caution tape, and saw that Marissa's car was still there. Something caught my eye on the ground a few feet away from me and without hesitation I pulled up the yellow tape and ducked underneath.
I took about five steps and crouched down to examine the object. It was the Rosary I had given to the pregnant women earlier. I lowered my eyes, and stood up.
I immediately felt dizzy and I became aware of how empty my stomach really was. My mouth was dry and it was cold.
I walked over to the curb, where I virtually collapsed.
The man from earlier, the one who wasn't greedy with the alcohol came up to me.
"You alright, boy?" He asked just like before, and it made me laugh uncontrollably.
He furrowed his bushy eyebrows at me and waved for a paramedic to come.
"No, I'm fine..."I began still kind of caught in my giggle fit.
I stood up and maybe I had done it just a little too fast because I didn't exactly get to finish my sentence.
The world around me spun violently and before I knew it the ground had rushed up to met me.
Other then the barely audible Latin music coming from the laundry room, it was rather quiet.
"He seemed really worried about you." She said suddenly her voice steady like she was repeating words coming from an earpiece.
I just nodded to her.
Honestly, I could careless about how he felt or how Ryan felt... or even how my Mother felt.
I brought my legs up to my chest, and rested my head onto my knees, still facing her.
"You only have one shoe on." She pointed out.
"It must have fallen off on the way down..." I said with a small laugh.
She didn't seem to think it was funny.
I cleared my throat, and set my feet back down onto the floor.
"Did you try to kill yourself?" She abruptly asked me in a serious tone.
Forgetting she had once tried to take her own life only a few months ago, I let out a genuine chuckle.
"No, I'd be much more creative."
I remembered pretty quickly from the look she gave me.
"Sorry" I said quietly, briefly looking down at my lack of shoe.
And then it was her turn to nod back meaninglessly.
"I really think you need to go home, Seth." She said gently, her posture was perfect as she spoke.
"Why?" I asked indifferently, lavishly letting my body sink into the leather couch.
There was a small period of silence before she spoke.
"Where did you go?" She asked rhetorically with this harsh tone.
"What?" I leaned forward, turning to her, eyes glaring.
"You aren't who you used to be..." She said shaking her head sadly.
"Who I used to be?" I began, rising from the couch, "Marissa, you don't know me enough to make that kind of assumption," I told her forcefully, standing at my full height.
"God, you're so selfish!" She screamed at me, shooting up from the couch.
Where did that come from?
"Excuse me?" I whirled around to look at her, with tightened fists.
I always wondered why people asked that when they heard it in the first place, but it just seemed necessary in this situation.
"I said you're selfish." She repeated firmly, eyes as hard as stone.
I suddenly regretted going there at all.
"What do you know?!" I spat back, and her head kind of jerked at my volume.
"I know that everyone is worried about you and you don't even care! I can't believe I lied for you!" She wasn't mad. She was hurt because in a sense, I used her, and she knew that now.
"There's nothing to be worried about! Everything is fine!" I yelled back, my voice practically breaking at the end.
"Fine!? Seth, you aren't fine! Everything isn't fine! Have you looked at yourself lately? Jesus Christ, you're fading away!" She let out, matching my volume.
I didn't want to hear that.
I swallowed hard, trying not to let my face crumble by her words.
"You don't know anything." I said to her just above a whisper. My eyes sharp and my body stiff as a board.
"I don't know everything..." She began calmly, "but I recognize the behavior you're showing me right now." She threatened, pressing her lips tightly together.
She was full of shit.
I let out an ugly laugh, smiling at her evilly.
"Enlighten me, Marissa." I mocked, still smirking at her like a bastard. I took a big step toward her, throwing my arms out, welcoming her response.
In one swift move she snatched my wrist, twisting it so the back of my hand was showing. "I'm not blind, Seth!" She screamed; bringing my hand up so I would see the scraping and bruising on my knuckles from purging, "What's this, huh?! I'm not stupid, okay?! Everyone else doesn't get it, but I do!" I tried to pull away but I was suddenly very weak. She let go of my hand, and my body fell to the floor in defeat. I was close to tears but I didn't cry. "No..." I said maybe three for four times, covering my ears, and shutting my eyes. I could feel her hands on my shoulders, trying to calm me down and I could hear her muffled voice saying something too but I couldn't hear. I didn't want to hear. Then suddenly her voice was gone and her hands stopped soothing. I pulled my hands away from my eyes to see her making her way toward the kitchen.
"What're you doing?" I questioned nervously, scrambling onto my feet.
"I'm calling your Dad." She said simply, and picked up the phone.
"NO!" I shouted, rushing over to her, "You can't!"
She had already started dialing a number when I knocked the phone out of her hands.
It was like I had no control of what I was doing.
"Seth!" She screamed fearfully, and tried to grab for the dangling phone but I got it first and pulled the cord out of the phone jack, throwing the whole thing across the kitchen.
I'll never forget the expression on Marissa's face when I looked at her, like I was this monster.
She started crying, and I think through her tears and Pilar's frantic Spanish rambling I heard her cry out for Ryan.
I gulped, softening my eyes at her. I was breathing so hard and I think I was shaking too.
"T-thanks for the clothes..." I told her robotically, and left her house through the front door.
With my arms wrapped around myself loosely, I fast-walked down her yard and onto the street, where I walked in the opposite way of my house.
The sun was coming down, and the wind blew ever-so-softly onto my face. It would be dark soon.
I turned at random corners, purposely trying to get myself lost.
She would tell them now. That... I knew.
It felt like that dream you have where you go to school naked and everyone laughs only it was worse. It was like having every page of your diary was passed out all over Newport.
But I wasn't scared or worried I was numb.
Eventually, I ended up at the intersection, where cars were still being hauled off and some building repairs were being made.
I approached the Caution tape, and saw that Marissa's car was still there. Something caught my eye on the ground a few feet away from me and without hesitation I pulled up the yellow tape and ducked underneath.
I took about five steps and crouched down to examine the object. It was the Rosary I had given to the pregnant women earlier. I lowered my eyes, and stood up.
I immediately felt dizzy and I became aware of how empty my stomach really was. My mouth was dry and it was cold.
I walked over to the curb, where I virtually collapsed.
The man from earlier, the one who wasn't greedy with the alcohol came up to me.
"You alright, boy?" He asked just like before, and it made me laugh uncontrollably.
He furrowed his bushy eyebrows at me and waved for a paramedic to come.
"No, I'm fine..."I began still kind of caught in my giggle fit.
I stood up and maybe I had done it just a little too fast because I didn't exactly get to finish my sentence.
The world around me spun violently and before I knew it the ground had rushed up to met me.