I don't know what kind of drug they put in my drip but whatever it was gave me some tripped out freaky dreams.
I was a party not a cool Newport party where everyone is having sex and doing drugs but a kid's party with the clown, bouncy room, and colorful decorations. I was seven and standing alone at the punch bowl when out of nowhere a piece of cake hit the side of my face. Having done nothing to provoke anyone, I quickly spun around to meet my attacker but as I faced him, it was dark and I wasn't seven anymore.
I was looking at a door about five inches away from me. I reached out to grab the doorknob, slowly rotating it counterclockwise. Hearing the lock click, I pushed the door open where several feet away from me stood my family, staring at me. I thought maybe they weren't looking at me but something or someone behind me. I turned around only to see myself. I was looking in a mirror. As I took in my surroundings I realized I was standing in the doorframe of my bathroom. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw them start to leave.
"Wait!" I shouted to them, turning around quickly but they were already gone.
"Don't leave me!" I called out desperately but they didn't hear.
I woke myself up by the sound of my own voice, shouting.
I could barely catch my breath. I sat up swiftly, immediately spotting my parents looking terrified at the side of my bed.
"Shh, you're okay now, baby. We won't leave you." Mom soothed, reaching out to tousle the Jew fro but I slapped her hand away.
"Seth!" Dad shouted angrily out of habit, flying up from his chair.
As he towered over me I involuntarily closed my eyes and flinched like an amused puppy expecting a smack from its owner.
When nothing happened, I popped an eye open only to find mom's slightly reddened hand hovering exactly where it had stopped after I swept it aside. Dad was breathing heavily, standing quite still.
Mom grabbed for my hand despite my trying to pull away. She sobbed freely now. I always thought she looked very old when she cried. So I let her hold my hand. I didn't squeeze back and I didn't talk. I didn't even look at her or Dad.
"Tell us what to do..." Dad ordered quietly, while he slowly seated himself. His eyes were pleading and he was shaking.
I knew exactly what he meant by that but I didn't know what to say to him.
"Tell us what to do..." He begged again with a shaky voice, his hand reached up to clasp my forearm lightly.
And, I didn't pull away from him but I wouldn't talk. I honestly don't think I could have even if I wanted to.
I looked down to my free hand resting on my lap. I brought it up slightly, examining my fingernails. They looked as delicate as flower pedals. My eyes lowered to my calloused knuckles and I remembered Marissa but for some reason I didn't hate her. I wanted to, believe me, but I didn't.
There was a knock at the door and within seconds a candy stripper, popped her head inside.
"Sorry to bother you, Mr. & Mrs. Cohen, but the doctor is ready to see Seth now," She said in an annoying valley girl voice, and then she was gone.
Mom wiped her eyes, and Dad stood up to greet the doctor as he entered the room.
He was in his mid-forties, with salt and pepper hair and he wore a sweater vest because apparently, his chest was only cold.
In a deep doctor-like voice he explained to my parents that he wanted to speak with me alone. They put up a fight, of course but untimely left the room for us to chitchat.
Honestly, the whole evaluation was a blur. That's what it was, an evaluation, even though it wasn't said. I answered most of his questions honestly. The easy ones that didn't exactly recount about my "problems"
I don't recall all of what he said but a few things did stick out.
"Do you think you need to be on a diet, Seth?" He asked as if he didn't already know what I was going to say.
When did people get so blind?
When I didn't answer right away he just solicited another question.
"Seth, do you know what anorexia is?" He asked me like I were a child.
"I'm too fat to be anorexic."
He nodded but not in agreement just a nod and then he scribbled something down on a pad of paper with furrowed brows. After a moment, he rested his notebook and pencil onto his lap and thoughtfully looked to me.
I never forget what he said to me next... never.
"The mirror lies, Seth."
And now I was alone again. The humming from the light above me was my only companion.
I was tired but I couldn't sleep.
I kept thinking about Ryan and my mom and my dad and Summer and Anna and Marissa. They were all hurting because of me.
A gentle rapping was heard at the door and I quickly shut my eyes. Heels clicked there way toward me and the empty chair alongside my bed was filled again. A cold soft hand made its way into mine. It gave a quick squeeze and slipped away but they didn't leave.
A part of me wanted to play dead but I wasn't that wicked.
My eyes fluttered open and I turned to a certain dirty blonde girl at my side.
She gave me a sideways glance with a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.
"Hey..." Marissa offered amiably.
"Hey"
"You're talking again?" She asked sarcastically with wide eyes.
I shrugged my shoulders, peering up at the ceiling.
"7th grade..." She began, briefly gazing to my monitor, "They all thought I was perfect and beautiful but it was a lie." She nodded sadly, twisting the promise ring Ryan had given her a few weeks ago on her middle finger.
"Hungry for anorexia" She quoted jokingly but it wasn't funny to her.
"You know, I couldn't talk about it either...face-to-face." She started, "My mom basically shipped me off to a therapist, not exactly knowing what I was going through but just that I wasn't acting like myself lately..." She unnecessarily cleared her throat and squirmed in her seat, "Her name was Dr. Roe and when I wouldn't talk she suggested that I write a letter... to my mom, explaining everything. She said it would give me the chance to review and get in everything that I had to say so I wouldn't forget anything."
She stood from the chair and slowly her arm extended out to lay a black book with a matching pen fastened at the side onto my chest. She nodded once and walked off. She was at the door when she turned around.
"Look inside, someone left something for you." She told me, grasping the handle.
I opened the book and out flew a pink folded letter. I knew it was from Summer because it smelt like her. I snatched it from my thigh where I held it between my fingers. My eyes shifted back to Marissa, where she was smirking knowingly. She then opened the door and left the room.
I unfolded the letter where it contained but four words.
I love you, Cohen.
I smiled to myself and slipped it back into the notebook. I detached the pen and open the book to the first blank page.
How could I cram 16 years into this book?
How could I begin something so detailed and vital?
I popped the cap off, placed the pen to paper and wrote:
"I still don't know how it all got so out of control. It was like any ordinary day..."
[ f i n ]
I was a party not a cool Newport party where everyone is having sex and doing drugs but a kid's party with the clown, bouncy room, and colorful decorations. I was seven and standing alone at the punch bowl when out of nowhere a piece of cake hit the side of my face. Having done nothing to provoke anyone, I quickly spun around to meet my attacker but as I faced him, it was dark and I wasn't seven anymore.
I was looking at a door about five inches away from me. I reached out to grab the doorknob, slowly rotating it counterclockwise. Hearing the lock click, I pushed the door open where several feet away from me stood my family, staring at me. I thought maybe they weren't looking at me but something or someone behind me. I turned around only to see myself. I was looking in a mirror. As I took in my surroundings I realized I was standing in the doorframe of my bathroom. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw them start to leave.
"Wait!" I shouted to them, turning around quickly but they were already gone.
"Don't leave me!" I called out desperately but they didn't hear.
I woke myself up by the sound of my own voice, shouting.
I could barely catch my breath. I sat up swiftly, immediately spotting my parents looking terrified at the side of my bed.
"Shh, you're okay now, baby. We won't leave you." Mom soothed, reaching out to tousle the Jew fro but I slapped her hand away.
"Seth!" Dad shouted angrily out of habit, flying up from his chair.
As he towered over me I involuntarily closed my eyes and flinched like an amused puppy expecting a smack from its owner.
When nothing happened, I popped an eye open only to find mom's slightly reddened hand hovering exactly where it had stopped after I swept it aside. Dad was breathing heavily, standing quite still.
Mom grabbed for my hand despite my trying to pull away. She sobbed freely now. I always thought she looked very old when she cried. So I let her hold my hand. I didn't squeeze back and I didn't talk. I didn't even look at her or Dad.
"Tell us what to do..." Dad ordered quietly, while he slowly seated himself. His eyes were pleading and he was shaking.
I knew exactly what he meant by that but I didn't know what to say to him.
"Tell us what to do..." He begged again with a shaky voice, his hand reached up to clasp my forearm lightly.
And, I didn't pull away from him but I wouldn't talk. I honestly don't think I could have even if I wanted to.
I looked down to my free hand resting on my lap. I brought it up slightly, examining my fingernails. They looked as delicate as flower pedals. My eyes lowered to my calloused knuckles and I remembered Marissa but for some reason I didn't hate her. I wanted to, believe me, but I didn't.
There was a knock at the door and within seconds a candy stripper, popped her head inside.
"Sorry to bother you, Mr. & Mrs. Cohen, but the doctor is ready to see Seth now," She said in an annoying valley girl voice, and then she was gone.
Mom wiped her eyes, and Dad stood up to greet the doctor as he entered the room.
He was in his mid-forties, with salt and pepper hair and he wore a sweater vest because apparently, his chest was only cold.
In a deep doctor-like voice he explained to my parents that he wanted to speak with me alone. They put up a fight, of course but untimely left the room for us to chitchat.
Honestly, the whole evaluation was a blur. That's what it was, an evaluation, even though it wasn't said. I answered most of his questions honestly. The easy ones that didn't exactly recount about my "problems"
I don't recall all of what he said but a few things did stick out.
"Do you think you need to be on a diet, Seth?" He asked as if he didn't already know what I was going to say.
When did people get so blind?
When I didn't answer right away he just solicited another question.
"Seth, do you know what anorexia is?" He asked me like I were a child.
"I'm too fat to be anorexic."
He nodded but not in agreement just a nod and then he scribbled something down on a pad of paper with furrowed brows. After a moment, he rested his notebook and pencil onto his lap and thoughtfully looked to me.
I never forget what he said to me next... never.
"The mirror lies, Seth."
And now I was alone again. The humming from the light above me was my only companion.
I was tired but I couldn't sleep.
I kept thinking about Ryan and my mom and my dad and Summer and Anna and Marissa. They were all hurting because of me.
A gentle rapping was heard at the door and I quickly shut my eyes. Heels clicked there way toward me and the empty chair alongside my bed was filled again. A cold soft hand made its way into mine. It gave a quick squeeze and slipped away but they didn't leave.
A part of me wanted to play dead but I wasn't that wicked.
My eyes fluttered open and I turned to a certain dirty blonde girl at my side.
She gave me a sideways glance with a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.
"Hey..." Marissa offered amiably.
"Hey"
"You're talking again?" She asked sarcastically with wide eyes.
I shrugged my shoulders, peering up at the ceiling.
"7th grade..." She began, briefly gazing to my monitor, "They all thought I was perfect and beautiful but it was a lie." She nodded sadly, twisting the promise ring Ryan had given her a few weeks ago on her middle finger.
"Hungry for anorexia" She quoted jokingly but it wasn't funny to her.
"You know, I couldn't talk about it either...face-to-face." She started, "My mom basically shipped me off to a therapist, not exactly knowing what I was going through but just that I wasn't acting like myself lately..." She unnecessarily cleared her throat and squirmed in her seat, "Her name was Dr. Roe and when I wouldn't talk she suggested that I write a letter... to my mom, explaining everything. She said it would give me the chance to review and get in everything that I had to say so I wouldn't forget anything."
She stood from the chair and slowly her arm extended out to lay a black book with a matching pen fastened at the side onto my chest. She nodded once and walked off. She was at the door when she turned around.
"Look inside, someone left something for you." She told me, grasping the handle.
I opened the book and out flew a pink folded letter. I knew it was from Summer because it smelt like her. I snatched it from my thigh where I held it between my fingers. My eyes shifted back to Marissa, where she was smirking knowingly. She then opened the door and left the room.
I unfolded the letter where it contained but four words.
I love you, Cohen.
I smiled to myself and slipped it back into the notebook. I detached the pen and open the book to the first blank page.
How could I cram 16 years into this book?
How could I begin something so detailed and vital?
I popped the cap off, placed the pen to paper and wrote:
"I still don't know how it all got so out of control. It was like any ordinary day..."
[ f i n ]