AN: I hate, okay I don't hate, but I've trying to avoid putting songs at the beginnings of my chapters for this story. I have to make an exception on this chapter, cos I heard this song the other day, and it completely inspired portions of this chapter, so forgive my weakness. (portions of the song have been removed for space considerations) ;)

It felt like springtime on this February morning
In the courtyard birds were singing your name
I'm still recalling things you said to make me feel
Alright, I carried them with me today now
As I lay me down to sleep, This I pray
That you will hold me dear, though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name, into the sky, and I will wake up happy.
I wonder why, I feel so high though I am not above the sorrow.
Heavy hearted 'til you call my name.
And it sounds like church bells or the whistle of a train,
On a summer evening I'll run to meet you barefoot, barely breathing
It's not too near for me, like a flower I need the rain.
Though it's not clear to me, every season has its change.
And I will see you, when the sun comes out again.
As I lay me down to sleep, this I pray
That you will hold me dear, though I'm far away
I will whisper your name, into the sky
And I will wake up happy. -Sopie B. Hawkins 'As I Lay'

When Buffy awoke, the hotel was dark and silent. The past few days had really taken their toll on the group, and she knew they would need at least a week to recover and regroup. She went in the kitchen and got a glass of water. She then wandered out to the small garden out back.

She had forgotten LA. She had lived here for almost 16 years, 16 years that seemed eons ago. She forgot that it stank, was loud, and that even on the clearest of nights she could barely see the stars, if not for the smog, for the bright lights of the city obscuring her view. Tonight was quiet though, something she didn't think she would find. The garden had since come back to life, the jasmine blooming and filling the air with a dreamy scent. Buffy wondered if all of this was really happening.

It was almost like after she was brought back. It felt as though part of her wasn't really here. It was so easy to get lost in her thoughts, that when she felt life going on around her, she almost felt alien. It had barely been 2 days and already life was moving on. She knew it was going on, but it didn't feel that way for her. She was confused, and lonely.

Her confidant was gone. The one person she thought she would always be able to rely on, even when she was old and wrinkly, she thought he would still be there. But now he wouldn't be, and it hurt. It felt like someone had ripped pieces of her heart out, not the same pieces that went missing when she had to kill Angel, no these pieces were smaler, but deeper, and there were many more missing. These parts were empty, she realised before they were filled with him, but now they were empty, and without him, they would never be refilled.

She laid down on one of the benches, letting her hair fall towards the earth, directing her thoughts at the stars above her. She thought back, and how quickly things could change. One minute her mom was there, the next she was gone. One minute she was there, then gone, then back again. Even he had left, but he came back. This time he wouldn't be coming back.

"I'm sorry William, Spike, whatever. I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm sorry." Buffy started talking out loud. "I know I should have done things differently, not just in the school, long before that. I just figured we would have more time, that this wouldn't happen so soon. At the end there things were getting so good. I was finally ready to let it out, I had it all planned out. We would close the hellmouth, and all ride off into the sunset, well, maybe not the sunset, cos you know, dusty, but we were going to get out of there together. Then we were gonna start over, fresh-like. We all have a chance to start over, and I was counting on that. I was counting on you having that chance." Buffy shifted, the bench wasn't comfortable. Her eyes had once again begun to tear up, and the faint glimmer of stars was mingling all together into a teary blur. She was so concentrated on this moment that she didn't realise she wasn't alone.

"I do love you. I hope wherever you are that you know that. I wasn't just saying it cos you were gonna die. I'm just no good at the whole opening up thing. You were the one who was good at that, not me. I'm good at the bottling stuff up, not the pouring. But that night we had, and after that, I felt things shift between us. I felt the connection get deeper, and stronger and I had never felt like that before, and it scared me more than the first, more than Caleb, more than the end of the world." She sat up, her back still to the doorway, she pulled her legs to her chest, hugging them tightly, wiping her tears on her knees. "And man, do I know you would hate me saying this, but I never felt like that even with Angel. It was like I finally handed my trust over to you, he never got that from me, no one did. I was going to tell you all this after the big showdown, I was going to try to work things out with you, make them right, make up for how I treated you, and instead I got you killed. Wow, isn't that the way it always is with me? If you love somebody, don't set them free, get them killed! Isn't that just rich?"

"I'm just stupid, a stupid scared little girl, who always figures things out when its too damn late!" Buffy's tears were starting to be replaced with guilt and anger, she was mad. Mad at herself, and mad at him, for having to be the hero. "But you had to go and die, and it had to be all heroic and perfect, so I couldn't get mad at you for leaving this time. Why couldn't you live for me?"

"I am, love." A voice came from behind her. Buffy jumped off the bench and turned around.

"You aren't there. This isn't real! Perfect Buffy, you really have lost it. This is just perfect."

"No, this is real, I'm here." He started to walk towards her.

"No, you stop right there, this is my mind messing with me, and so I can make you stop!" She still didn't believe what she was seeing.

"Sorry pet, that's not the way it works." He continued forward.

Buffy began backing up. "You're dead!" She closed her eyes, "One, Two Three, when I open my eyes you'll be gone." When she opened her eyes he wasn't gone, but mere inches from her. Buffy didn't know what to do, so she reached her hand out, half expecting it to go straight through this spectre before her. It didn't. Instead it touched a warm cheek. The look in her eyes was complete shock, "Spike?" she asked hopefully.

"Yes, love."

"Are you really here?"

"I'm as real as you are."

"Oh, that's nice." Was all Buffy got out before her eyes rolled up in her head and she passed out. Spike caught her and carried her into the lobby. Others were starting to mill about.

"What happened to her?" Willow asked with concern.

"Think I spooked her. Probably shouldn't 'ave been the one to tell her I'm back." Spike laid her on a couch. "I'm gonna go get her some water, can you keep an eye on her?"

"Of course! Go, see if they have a first aid kit, maybe they have some of those smelly things that wake people up."

"Smelling salts?"

"Yeah those too. Now go!" Willow shooed him away. "Buffy? Buffy? are you okay?" Willow gently tapped her friends arm. "Buffy, wake up!" Willow looked aorund the lobby to see if anyone else was around, no one was, she then slapped Buffy across the face.

"Ow! What the? Willow?"

"Sorry, you passed out, and the slapping thing always works in the movies." Willow smiled at her. "Are you okay?"

"I think something's wrong with me, Willow I had like this dream, and it was so real. I touched him, he was like right in front of me, not dead."

"Um, yeah there's something we kind of forgot to tell you." Willow said apprehensively, "See, Spike's kinda not dead."

Buffy sat up, "What?" she then realised she sat up to fast, making her dizzy. She gripped the back of the couch, "What? Wanna run that by me again?"

"Spike's here. He's back, they brought him back. He's important to the Powers so, they brought him back cos they still need him."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Buffy was simmering with anger. "I am sort of supposed to be let in on stuff this important."

"We wanted to make sure it was him, and that he wasn't evil. See he kinda showed up not knowing who he was and I got his memories back, and then this guy told us why he was here and stuff, and it's all happened so quickly, and you were gone and stuff."

"Who else knows about this?"

"Um, everyone but you and Dawn."

"Why didn't you stop us, why didn't you get all like, 'hey guys we think Spike's not dead, so why don't you stay a while?'"

"We didn't want to disappoint you, either of you. You both had a lot invested in him, and if it wasn't really him, or if we couldn't get his memories back or whatever, we didn't want to upset you guys."

"Great. This is just great."

"I thought you'd be happy, cos he's not dead, rather, he's back."

"I'm so confused, my insides are all jumbly." Buffy's senses were failing her. She was used to being able to feel his presence. "Why didn't I feel him here?"

"Things have changed, but I think you need to talk to him about that, and look! Here's your chance!" Willow got up quickly and ran for the stairs. "Good luck Spike, you guys have a lot to talk about! And look, she's awake!"

Spike walked over to the couch slowly. He could see she was upset, possibly angry. He sat on the opposite end of the couch, and turned to face her. "Buffy..."

"How long have you been back?" She wouldn't look at him, instead she stared into the empty room.

"I think I was barely gone for a few hours, its all a bit cloudy. I remembered you, that was all I remembered. I was looking for you, I think that's what brought me here."

"You look different." All her questions seemed empty, as if her mind was trying to make space for the reality of the situation.

"Yeah, I guess the Powers brought me back then way I was 'posed to look. Sort of natural."

"When you were gone did you go anywhere? You know like heaven or hell or another dimension or place without shrimp?"

"What? No, I don't think so. I really don't recall much before Willow gave me back my senses, I mean I remember the end. Got to see the big finish. It was glorious. You should be proud."

"I didn't finish it, you did." She gathered a though, "Did it hurt?"

"A bit of a burning sensation, was all I felt, love."

"How long were you in the garden? How much did you hear?"

"Probably most of it. You shouting at the stars about some stupid git who upped and left before you could tell him how you really felt.."

"I was talking about you."

"I know, I'm back from the dead, I'm not thick."

"Why didn't I feel you were there? I could always feel your presence when you were around."

"Well I'm a bit of a changed man." Spike reached over and grabbed the cross Buffy still wore around her neck.

"You're hand! You're not all smokey!"

"I'm not of the blood sucking undead variety anymore."

"You're a zombie?"

"Bloody hell woman! No, do you think I'd look this good if I were a zombie?"

"No, but what are you?"

Spike picked up her hand, he scooted closer to her, and put her hand on his chest. He could tell when she felt it, she moved in closer, and put her head to his chest.

"You, you, you have a heart beat."

"Yes I do, I've also got a reflection, that whole need for air, the ability to spend an afternoon at the beach, but I can still be killed by a stake through the heart, but now its more of a bleedin' to death rather than dust turning concern. I was thinking about taking up surfing."

"You're alive? Like human?"

"Not like a human, I am a human, a special human, but pretty much human none the less."

A smile passed over Buffy's lips, she moved back towards him, and wrapped her arms around him, putting her head to his chest. "Bah Bum, Bah Bum, Bah Bum, it's so weird Spike." She looked up at him with her green eyes, and that look of childhood wonder and awe.

"Well, it's not all that weird, yours works the same as mine."

"Spike?"

"Yes, pet?"

"I meant all that stuff you overheard."

"I know you did love. I know." Spike wrapped his arms around Buffy and they held each other for a while. Not talking, just being near each other.

"I missed you, even though you were gone like a day according to me."

"I knew I missed you before I knew who you were again." Spike leaned down and kissed Buffy on the forehead, she only smiled.

Authors Note: If you have an issue with the way something is presented in my story please suggest a way to make it better. Constructive Criticism is always welcome, Flames are not. I would like to thank everyone who has supported this story. I'm new around here, and all of you have made me feel very welcome. This story is far from over, so keep your eyes peeled. This story was originally posted at there are more Buffy stories there that I haven't had a chance to move over to here yet. Again I thank you or all your support and kind words. Go Spuffies!!!