GUILT
by reelmakebelieve aol
Sketch 8 of 13/Volume One of Sopranomakebelieve
Carmela and Rosalie Aprile, dressed to kill, arrive outside a night club in North Jersey, GUILT. A MOB of PEOPLE outside the club, waiting to get in.ROSALIE Here it is.
CARMELA Wow. Is this it?
ROSALIE The hottest club in North Jersey. Packed every night of the week, Carm'. They took that church that burned down ...
CARMELA Oh, I read about this.
ROSALIE ... renovated it ...
CARMELA I read they took the pews out for the dance floor.
ROSALIE ...they remodeled it, kept the old motif, with all the confessional booths...
CARMELA Just like that club downtown.
ROSALIE You can't even get in here.
CARMELA How neat. And what's it called again -- "SIN"?
ROSALIE No, "GUILT".
CARMELA "GUILT." That's nice. It's a far cry from "THE PEPPERMINT LOUNGE" of my day, but what'd ya' gonna do?
Carmela and Rosalie get on line.
CARMELA Everyone looks so young.
ROSALIE A lotta young guys, Carmela. This place is crawlin' wit' stud muffins.
CARMELA Oh come on.
ROSALIE What. Not for you?
CARMELA Rosalie, don't start.
ROSALIE Furio wasn't younger?
CARMELA Yeah, I suppose.
ROSALIE So?
CARMELA Yeah, but there's young and then there's young. Young-ger. Oh, I don't know what I'm talkin' about. How do I look?
ROSALIE You look hot, Carm'.
CARMELA Can't believe I'm doing this.
ROSALIE You're home alone every night, you're not seein' anybody ...
CARMELA I know. I should'a just ... jumped his everlovin' bones when I had the chance, Ro'.
ROSALIE Who?
CARMELA Who. You know who.
ROSALIE Carm', stop ...
CARMELA That day when he came out of the garden all sweaty with his hair all out, I should'a ripped his clothes off right then and there and gotten it over with already. A.J. or no A.J.
ROSALIE Carm' ...
CARMELA With God as my witness. Now I'm goin' out lookin' for fresh meat? Talk about guilt. I think we came to the right place. Who knew he was gonna take off like that? Did I know?!
ROSALIE Carm', sweetie, there's ... there's nothing you can do.
CARMELA I know that. Boy, do I know that. He used ta' look at me with those eyes he had. Used ta' just kill me. I almost drove off the road one time thinkin' about them.
ROSALIE Ya' did the right thing.
CARMELA What right thing? I didn't do any thing! He was only man I ever thought was sexier when he was depressed. When he was moonin' for his father, it just seethed outta him, he was like an animal. God forbid if he ever got to the point of where he was suicidal, I don't know what I would've done.
TWO PEOPLE decked out in leather and chains walk by.
CARMELA What is there -- a costume party goin' on in there or somethin'?
ROSALIE No, they dress like that.
CARMELA With all that leath'a like that.
ROSALIE It's a fashion statement.
CARMELA Oh. What'd she have in her hand, that one?
ROSALIE I didn't see.
CARMELA Looked like a little whip or somethin'.
ROSALIE You know who took me here my first time?
CARMELA Wait, lemme guess.
CARM' &RO' TOGETHER Ralphie!
CARMELA I knew it. I knew it.
ROSALIE You know, Jackie was so conservative ... but Ralphie, ma'don', now there was another story altogether.
CARMELA From some of the gossip I heard ...
ROSALIE All true, too.
CARMELA That man ... whatever he is today ... Now, lemme ask you, Ro' ...
ROSALIE What.
CARMELA You don't have to answer if you don't want .
ROSALIE Car-mela!
CARMELA What I heard was that Ralphie ... liked to wear women's panties.
ROSALIE We did it like that one time.
CARMELA You did it like that one time?! What? With him wearing ...? Oh my God. Rosalie Aprile, you are insane.
ROSALIE He liked to wear them!
CARMELA I could almost see Tony tryin' to put mine on. He'd stretch 'em out so far I could use 'em as a parachute after.
ROSALIE Ralphie was wild. He needed what he needed.
CARMELA: (sees someone from afar) OH MY GOD! Rosalie!
ROSALIE What?!
CARMELA Hide me! Rosalie!
ROSALIE Carmela, what's goin' on?
CARMELA Father Phil Intintola! What the hell is he doing here?
ROSALIE Father Phil? Where?
CARMELA Over there! Oh, I think he saw us!
ROSALIE Don't worry, Carmela. What's the matter?
CARMELA I don't want him to see me like this!
ROSALIE See you like what? Father Phil comes here all the time.
CARMELA What'd ya mean, he comes here all the time? Oh Jesus, here he comes!
Father Phil casually saunters over. His hair slicked back, wears a
tapered black leather pastoral outfit.
FATHER PHIL RO'! CARM'!
ROSALIE Father Phil.
CARMELA Hi, Father. Gee whiz. What a surprise.
FATHER PHIL Ro', I've seen you here before, but Carm' ... I didn't realize you knew about this place.
CARMELA Oh, I get around.
FATHER PHIL I'm an honorary member here. Rosalie might'a told you.
FATHER PHIL (cont'd) I was an interim pastor when this place was still a church ... and to me, it's still a church. Little bit more noisy, but I'm a familiar face here.
CARMELA Well, God is every where, like ya' said.
FATHER PHIL And what a job they did in restoring the place. Oh, it's so nice!
ROSALIE This get-up ya' got on, Father.
FATHER PHIL Like it, Ro'?
ROSALIE Very sexy.
CARMELA Ya' hair slicked back. Very dashing. Is that all leath'a, Father? What cha' got on?
FATHER PHIL Handcrafted Italian. Last year, when I was in Vatican City, Dolce-Gabbana had a sample sale so I splurged.
ROSALIE Oh and you're wearing Ralphie's boots.
FATHER PHIL His motorcycle boots. Yeah. And I want thank you again for them, Ro'. I haven't learned to run in them yet. But they're just so comfortable. And, as God would see it, they fit me perfectly. Thank you.
ROSALIE You're welcome.
FATHER PHIL Oh, before I forget ... 'round midnight, the owners started doin' somethin' really special for everyone ... they bring out tray after tray of tiremisu ...
ROSALIE Tiremisu?
CARMELA Oh, that'll be nice.
FATHER PHIL It's a gesture to show how grateful they are to their patrons. And, lemme tell ya', the mascapon' cheese with the sponge cake on this tiremisu, outta this world. You girls know I have a lalai every now and then, but a couple'a forks full'a this tiremisu with the amaretto ...
ROSALIE Father!
FATHER PHIL I really let my hair down, shall we say.
CARMELA I think you've already let your hair down, Father.
FATHER PHIL I have to go in ... but I wanted to ask you. Are you Ladies dommes or subs tonight?
CARMELA (whispers to Rosalie) Dommes or subs? What's he talking about?
ROSALIE Oh, Father, we haven't decided yet.
FATHER PHIL (discreetly) I give confessionals ... downstairs.
ROSALIE As a ... a domme? Or a sub, father?
FATHER PHIL Does it really matter? It's recreational ... as well as furthering my pastoral duties. Just remember what Bob Dylan said, Ladies ... "It may be the devil or it may be the Lord, but you're gonna have to serve somebody."
Bruno, a beefy bouncer, calls to Father Phil.
BRUNO Hey Father Phil!
FATHER PHIL Bruno, my main man!
BRUNO Gimme some skin, my soul-searchin' Brother Father.
FATHER PHIL Right on.
BRUNO Lookin' real tonight, Father.
FATHER PHIL Heard that.
BRUNO Tight wit' the man upstairs and tight with the brothers and the sisters down here.
FATHER PHIL I'm tight all over. Listen, Bruno, I want you to take care you these fine women, ya' dig?
BRUNO No problem. I'll get 'em in as soon as I can.
FATHER PHIL (turns to Carmela and Rosalie) Ciao! See you inside!
Father Phil enters the club. Carmela looks at Rosalie.
CARMELA (slowly with awe) Right now I am just in the most incredible state of shock I think I have ever been in.
ROSALIE Carmela, I'm sorry, I thought you knew ...
CARMELA KNEW WHAT?! THAT THIS WAS AN S&M CLUB?!
ROSALIE "GUILT," Carmela, what'd ya' think "GUILT" was - a soda shop?
CARMELA And here's the pastor of my church, a man I've confessed to a thousand times, talking about tiremisu outside an S&M club like we just met him in a super market or somethin' ... I'm thinkin' I've died and gone to hell.
ROSALIE He looks good in leather, don't ja' think?
CARMELA I'm just ... I'm, I'm flabbergasted over here ... I'm dumbstruck. He's a fucking Priest, Rosalie! C'MON!
ROSALIE Carm', God is everywhere. What'd ya' gonna do?
CARMELA So, so what does Master father Phil do in there, Ro', what's he -- tie up people and beat confessions outta them?
ROSALIE I don't know what he does, Carm'.
CARMELA A wimpy guy like that?
ROSALIE Mind control, Carm'. Ya' gotta admit he's got certain powers over people.
CARMELA And the way he said "Does it really matter". He had like a glint in his eye. And what did he mean when he said "downstairs"?
ROSALIE Look, I've never been down there. You don't go down there unless you're really really into it.
CARMELA Really really inta' what?
ROSALIE I don't know. I came here a couple'a times with Ralphie ...
CARMELA Ralphie must'a been down there, guaranteed.
ROSALIE I mean, I'm not sayin' Father Phil doesn't make ya' feel guilty. He makes you feel very guilty. You're like ... you don't know what say to him ...
CARMELA Yeah, like ya' gotta be on your best behavior otherwise he'll report back to God or something. But for Christ's sake, Rosalie, here he is jive talkin' and dressed in fuckin' leatha' like some whore master! And listen to my mouth right outside a church.
ROSALIE I'm sorry, Carm'. I really am. I'll take ya' home. You wanna go home? Carm'?
CARMELA I just wanna know what's gonna happen to me if I go in there.
ROSALIE Nothing's gonna happen to you. It's not what you think. There's music, plenty of people, it's a lot of fun.
CARMELA Okay, we'll see. Nothing's gonna happen to me?
ROSALIE Nothin'!
CARMELA No one's gonna come up to me and ask me if I wanna get spanked or anything like that?
ROSALIE Well, there's always that element there.
CARMELA But I didn't do anything wrong, why should I get spanked?!
ROSALIE No one's gonna spank you, Carm' ... you just do what I do -- you avoid that type.
CARMELA Now I've seen everything. A woman my age.
ROSALIE That's just it, sweetie. A woman your age. You gotta stay young, think young.
CARMELA I guess ya' got a point there, Ro'. Think young. What ever happened to goin' to a simple disco or whatever? Ya' meet a nice guy or something. Ya' dance, maybe ya' grind a little on the dance floor.
Bruno waves to the Ladies.
CARMELA Oh, look, Bruno's wavin' to us.
ROSALIE Great, let's go.
BRUNO Watch your step, Ladies, enjoy yourselves.
(c) copyright, 2004, Michael Arturo