Part Three: Thinking About Him
A long silence fell over us. Several other Jedi Masters and their apprentice came into the plaza, some greeting us as they walked into the interior of the plaza. I closed my eyes again and began to calm my breathing. But there was something holding me back from reaching full serenity and calmness of a meditative state. I felt cold inside. My eyes opened as I looked down at the palm of my hands, they were sweating, but the rest of me felt cold as ice. The cold feeling I needed to let go of, but fought to keep away. Anakin's eyes never left my sense of fear. It was almost as if he was looking at me like I was some specimen getting ready to get cut open or studied. It made me shudder.
"Is something wrong, Anakin?" I finally managed to say.
"You are thinking about Qui-Gon." He read my emotions. "Don't. It won't do you any good to move on from it if you look at it as if you failed him. You never did. And you know that. He doesn't want you to mourn and live miserably without him."
"How would you know that?"
I knew a Jedi was suppose to lose his identity when he became one with the Force. No. But not you, Master. You always had to be different to ensure that you could leave such a mark on the Temple. And you did. You should be proud, but yet, you should still be alive. I've heard his voice at night when I slept, but thought that it was nothing more than the dream itself. I didn't really think so now.
Anakin continued. "He's talked to me. He always questions me about why you never seem to talk to him. He always tries to make contact with you, but you just push him deeper into those other emotions of yours. He's worried about you. He thinks you just don't want to talk to him because nothing will ever bring him back. He can't help but wish to talk to you, just one more time."
I shook my head. I didn't want to admit it, but I was thinking about him. For years now, I have, and the Healers could never truly rid me of the hate and anger I still have for that Sith Lord for killing him. It's just, it's never come to this. This strong and cold feeling, until now. The path that lead me into the path of darkness. I've fought it for years now ever since the first time I ever felt it. I felt betrayed by the Force when I thought it could help me. It only made this pain worst.
"You loved him as more than just a mentor. He was like your best friend. A father-figure. The only family you had next to the Temple."
I shook my head again. "No. Stop." The voice inside me, that inner Padawan I once was, seemed to take control of me. I was no longer the mature Knight I was now. "No. Why did you have to go? I'm so sorry, Master." I could feel the tears sting my cheeks.
"He's trying to talk to you now, Master." Anakin said, quietly. "But you keep pushing him farther and farther away into those deeper feelings you're afraid to admit to. Afraid to admit to me. To your friends. But mostly, to yourself."
"No. I could of saved you, Master. I'm so sorry. I lowered my defenses, lost every concentration of staying calm. Forgetting what you taught me. If I never would of forgotten, you'd still be alive. You would of accepted me into knighthood. And we could be fighting next to each other for the sake of justice and peace for the Republic. I'm sorry, Master." My throat burned like fire.
The thoughts in my mind became blurs of darkness. A red and black inferno combined with a fiery pit. That same pit, that same darkness that has come to haunt me in my sleep whenever it can. Those vivid colors that special person brought was eaten up by the hate that inferno brought. The power of the Dark Side beckoning me to follow it into darkness. There, the Dark Side, a person could feel no pain, only power.
"Master?" Anakin's voice was so distant.
Obi-Wan. Promise me you will train the boy.
Yes, Master.
He...will bring balance... Train him.
I opened my eyes and peered over at Anakin. There was concern and apology in his eyes. I ran my hand down my face and took several deep breaths.
"Master? I'm sorry. I didn't--" Anakin tried to apologize.
I brought up a hand to silence him. His head lowered. A long silence fell over us.
Finally, I stirred and broke the silence. "I know I can be rather harsh on you, Anakin, but that comes with the training. A Jedi's path isn't as easy as many say it is. It takes a lot of hard work, determination and a serious mind to become one. A lot of patience and years of training. We can't expect to learn everything about the Force in one night. It's impossible."
"I understand that, Master. But it's you I'm worried about. Every day you seem to be drifting farther and farther away into something else. Is there something I should know? Maybe I can help out." He offered.
It brought a smile to my face. Though Anakin could be somewhat of a pain at time, he always couldn't help but try to help out or lend a helping hand. That's what made him special whether he's come to realize it or not.
A smile floated onto the apprentice.
"You'll become a great Jedi Knight, Anakin."
"Thank you, Master. But remember, I'm taking after you, so, if I do something wrong, it goes out on you."
I chuckled. He returned the favor with a brighter smile and joined in my laughter. Then we fell silent again.
To be continued...