Caught Between Feelings (PG)
Author's Name: Flip-Wan
Author's Email: jediflip1fanforce.net
Summary: Qui-Gon Jinn has now become one with the Force. Obi-Wan Kenobi was appointed to Jedi Knight, his apprentice, Anakin Skywalker. But only weeks after returning from Naboo, Obi-Wan is confronted with his personal feelings and the powers of the Dark Side within him. What will he choose?
Disclaimer: All recognizable Star Wars names, places and resources aren't owned by me, but by the great Jedi Master himself, George Lucas and Lucasfilm Ltd. Nothing was settled to get me paid to write the story out of his characters, but only wanted to write it because the Force was telling me to. I give some credit to Melyanna's "Behind the Mask" and ForceAchtungBaby's "A Jedi Must Not Know" for their ideas in portraying some parts in this story. And, to any one else who contributed to the Star Wars genre in any way, you got your credit, too. Risha and Joline were however my own creation under Flypsyde Pryde Productions. So, I still own some of the disclaimer. Ha. Ha. (J/K--but those names are mine and I really don't have my own production company–not yet)
Key Characters: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda, Mace Windu, Sabé, Queen Amidala, Jar Jar Binks
Time Frame: A few weeks after TPM.
Genre: AU
Spoilers: TPM
Feedback: Yes; please.
Author's Note: This is the very first Star Wars story I actually finished. This is also set in first-person POV, of Obi-Wan Kenobi, of course. And I'm not saying I'm a fool for love, but with everyone's insights on the whole Obi-Wan/Sabé relationship – a Jedi/Handmaiden relationship – and they should be together I couldn't help but write my own version of it as well (This is more on a few weeks after they first meet.) If you like this story I would like some feedback – but like it either way. Who knows maybe you'll get my own version when they first meet – if I ever get around to it.
Italicized blue is Obi-Wan's thoughts. The voice indicated within : : is that of an evil being of the dark side – which is actually of Obi-Wan's dark side. Double indents are memories of the past or dreams.
Part One: A Tremor In The Force
It's been weeks now, since we left Naboo and returned to the Central Republic of Coruscant. It was rough to face the Temple in the same way. A Jedi Knight was killed only weeks ago by the hands of a menace. A Sith Lord. A dark Jedi that was believed to have been extinct for over a millennia, until now. That Jedi was Qui-Gon Jinn, my master and mentor. My friend. He never died the way a Jedi should of. He never died the proper way a Jedi was suppose to. He was suppose to disappear and become one with the Force, like a true Jedi. But he didn't. He didn't accept his death like a true Jedi. He was placed on a funeral pyre, with me doing the honor in lighting it. I watched, with pain, as his ashes blew into the wind to the Naboo valley. Several Jedi, guards, handmaidens, Gungans and others witnessed it. White doves were freed into the valley as a significance to those that past in the Naboo tradition. But I must of felt the worst pain.
Everyone from the Temple gave their regards to me, knowing I was still recovering from my Master's loss. And for that, was requested by the High Council themselves, to go under a Healing Process. It was time to move on. However, Anakin knew too much of loss. He had to leave his mother back on Tatooine, still a slave. He had to leave Padmé to begin his Jedi training. And he watched, with all of us, as Qui-Gon's body was consumed by those flames. And though he heard doubts of him ever becoming half the Jedi any of us became, he would prove us wrong. I knew. He would change the Order like no other Jedi could. This boy was the key to changing the Republic and the Order forever. But how? I cannot say. He would become the most powerful Jedi ever. He would make his mother proud. And Padmé.
It was late into the night as I finished my lightsaber sparring with Master Yoda. Though, many had their doubts on the old green master ever touching a weapon, let alone a lightsaber, I knew what he was capable of. I've seen him in battle before, and no one could compare to his style of fighting. No one.
"An exceptional wielder you have become, Obi-Wan," Yoda said during the training to distract me.
I was better than to lower my defenses. I wasn't going to do it again, like I did when my Master and I had faced that Sith. I would never give into the anger I felt. I couldn't and I wouldn't. I would never give into my fear for Anakin's future or hate for ever lowering my defenses to that Sith. I was now a Jedi Knight, but even the hidden feelings I still possessed escaped from the Healers' grasps. I was always one who kept to myself, which had gotten me into trouble several times.
"Thank you, Master." I replaced the lightsaber at my side.
The little Master leaned against his gimmer stick and looked at me, a smile to his face. "An excellent teacher you will become, Obi-Wan. And a memorable Jedi Knight like your Master. See that I do about you."
"Thank you, Master Yoda. May the Force Be With You."
"And May the Force Be With You, Obi-Wan."
I bowed, respectively and left the room in the same fashion. The halls were quiet except for the few Masters who were addressing their clans late into the night. I entered the corridors leading to the condos, each shared by a Master and their apprentice. I walked into the closest one, once mine and Qui-Gon's, now mine and Anakin's. Qui-Gon's room was left untouched since the day of his death, and Anakin's room wasn't too far away. Mine was on the far end of the room. I scowled to find pieces of droids laying all over the room. It was late, I was tired.
I'll deal with you in the morning, Anakin. I thought to myself, a little annoyed.
I treaded to my room quietly, the door slid shut behind me. My room was much like the other Jedi my age, except for a few hidden places. A bed designed to fit only one person, centered the room, a drawer with clothes fit for traveling in, a bookshelf full of studies, a desk used for educational purposes and a holo-vision for days when I had nothing better to do. Though it was forbidden to treat ourselves to life outside the Temple walls, a secret compartment laid hidden under my bed alongside all the other drawers holding my clothing. It held a journal, drawings, photos of friends I had met on missions alone, a laptop to communicate with my fellow Jedi friends and others around the galaxy, a lyric book, etc. Though, I wasn't much of a good writer, or freestylist, I could say I was one of the better ones – especially at the Temple.
I sat on my bed, sensing something wrong through the Force. I could feel anguish and pain. It was faint, far from my grasps. But I felt failure in my veins.
"Master, why do I feel this way?" I called out, hoping to reach my Master, somehow.
There was no reply.
"I need you more than anything. I don't think I can do this alone. I need your guiding word."
By then tears had streaked down the side of my face. Tears came late at night every time I called out to him. I felt helpless. Alone. Lost. Fear. I closed my eyes and saw the day my Master fell to that Sith. The heat of the blade seemed to cut through cloth and flesh like it was nothing but air. I took three cleansing breaths and called on the Force to calm myself down. I could see the vivid bright colors that seemed so calm and serene, only one person could give me, not even the Force could give it to me. The colors displayed by someone that put the Force in a whole new perspective, if not even at all. Sabé, my one and only true love, a bodyguard/decoy for Queen Amidala.
...."But you are human," a soothing voice came to my ears. It seemed to conquer the fear and anger I had inside of me.
"And I'm also a Jedi. I cannot let my personal feelings get in the way of who I am," I replied, guilt in my words.
The figure was now a clear vision as our eyes met. It was that of
Sabé. She was definitely a sight to my eyes. She brought me warmth
and comfort like the Force could never bring. She was beyond its calm
powers to soothe.
"Doesn't it mean anything to you to just grieve, to rejoice, to love?"
I sighed and looked deeply into her eyes. She showed me nothing more
than concern for my happiness. I knew she only wanted what was best
for both of us, but most of all to make sure I was happy. I was happy
to be with her, but I knew a Jedi could never love.
"I suppose you're right. And I'm not sure what I should be
feeling." I pulled her closer into my arms, feeling her warm breath
against mine. I was crushed, caught between my feelings for her and
what the Force was telling me.
"Love," she toyed with my tunic, avoiding making anymore contact with my eyes.
"I'm not sure if being human gives me the right to love."
"How can you say that?"
"You know a Jedi cannot love. It's restricted by the Order," I said quietly.
A long silence fell over us. We wanted to stay in each other's arms.
It was the first time I ever felt this way, getting emotional involved
in a mission. The first time I got emotional involved with someone.
Not one Jedi could of given me the strength and compassion I was
feeling right now. I wanted to stay with her, but the Jedi Code
droned past the vivid colors in my mind. The vivid colors I saw when
I was only with Sabé.
"You can't stay on Coruscant forever. And maybe it's not okay to love
a women or even get married, but you can love those around you and
they can love you back. Isn't that part of being human?"
"And you're right, Sabé. If only it was that easy. But I need to
train Anakin. I gave Qui-Gon my word. And nothing else can really
conflict right now." It was the first time I had said her name the
entire night. But my voice shook with every word.
She pulled away gently, crushed like me. She couldn't forget Anakin's guide was now under my own.
I walked over to her, cautiously. "You understand that, don't you?"
"I do, Ben." sadness followed those words. "It's just so hard to see you go."
My legs shook at the sound of that name. The name my mother had
given to me all those years ago, as more to address me by, than the
one I was born with. It was a name, much like second nature. And
only those I had grown close to were permitted to use it. I didn't
let just anyone use it around me. My best friends. Qui-Gon. Then
her.
I looked down, guilty for making her upset. That was the last
thing I wanted to do. I wrapped my arms tightly around her. I wanted
to stop her from shedding anymore tears. I didn't want to hurt her
again. I only wanted to protect her from harm. Stay with her as long
as I could.
"I'm sorry. Please forgive me." My voice was inaudible.
"You can't blame what happened on yourself," she turned to met me face to face.
Again, our eyes met. The apology was clearly not to her, but for my
Master, Qui-Gon Jinn. I still wanted to apologize to her, but didn't
know how. Damnit, Obi-Wan. Why didn't you pay attention to those
lessons on the opposite sex? Then I lost it. The Force was no
longer holding back. I leaned in and kissed her on the lips, gently.
Her hands placed around my back and neck, mine around her neck, like
it was in the cave on Tatooine. There was passion in that kiss. There
was warmth. Compassion. Not wanting to let go......
I opened my eyes. There was a lumpy feeling in my throat. I missed Sabé. I missed her so much, I could feel that kiss again. But this time the Force was holding me back. Holding me back to avoid contacting her, to focus on Anakin's training and move on from Qui-Gon's death.
Minutes felt like hours.
It was hard to go to sleep with all those mixed scenes in my head. I felt alone. I felt like the Force had come to betray me.
A dream managed to shoot past all the colors as I finally fell into a deep slumber.
.....It was a hot day. The "Queen" and I had taken a walk alone on
Tatooine. We fled the blazing hot sun and the Tusken Raiders to find
ourselves in a cave. My ankle still stung from the fall, but I
managed to walk it off, calling on the Force to get rid of the pain.
The cave was set with a blue-haze and a small lake had formed in the
center of all of it. The ripples in the water gave the walls a
crystalline-effect and the water was definitely of the purest we had
both tasted.
"Obi-Wan. It's such a formal name. Did you ever have a
nickname?" she said, more than address me. "Or another name people
address you by?"
I walked up behind her. "I remember vaguely my mother calling me Ben. But that is the only memory I really have of her."
"Ben." she tasted the name. "I like Ben. May I call you that?"
"You can address me as you like, Your Highness."
"Please, call me Sabé when no one is around to object or say
otherwise, that is. Sometimes I can't stand to be addressed
formally."
"Do people tend to object? I mean, you are not of high rank are you not?"
"That is true, Ben. But you have no idea. No idea how hard it is."
"No." I shook my head. "I probably don't. But I don't assume you
know much about being a Jedi?"
"I don't plan on judging you on it," she said simply.
It was then at that moment, we met each other eye to eye. And
we were more than just arm lengths away now. I was surprised we had
gotten that close, that she would let me that close. I could feel her
warm breath against mine.
Then at that moment nothing seemed to matter. We were now in our own
little world as lips met lips. There was tension in both of us, but I
could feel it more from her. I soon realized my hand was wrapped
gently around her neck, hers were around my back and head in the same
care.
I gently broke the embrace, seeing the unchecked emotions in her eyes.
I felt like such a fool. A Jedi was forbidden to love. What would
the Council think? What would Master Jinn think of me doing this?
But none of that seemed to matter, only her safety.
I held her closer now and kissed her, passionately.
But the warmth seemed to end as shadows from deep within the
cave broke our embrace. I tried to fight away the shadows getting to
Sabé, but was thrown into a distant wall. I staggered to stand up,
but my legs shook and I felt pain in my ribs.
"Ben, no!" Sab's voice was so distant.
The shadows laughed at me. I felt helpless, caught within the
fear of darkness as the cave shook. Sabé was far from my grasp. A
shadow, the tallest of all, met my gaze. But no true form could be
met in my eyes, only darkness. His flaming red eyes and sharp teeth
against my face.
I looked at Sabé, fear in her eyes. Then pulled out Qui-Gon's
lightsaber, now my own, and ignited it. The power of the green blade
showed light into some of the cave, but I froze. I couldn't seem to
move. The tall shadow billowed out a roar that pierced my ears,
forcing me to my knees.
The shadows around Sabé threw her around like some rag doll.
She was helpless to move away, to break free or to fight back. She
was just as helpless as me. Even the Force couldn't help me. The
tall shadow laughed at my defeat. I looked down in failure.
"Ben!" Sabé cried out to me.
My eyes shot up as she was thrown into the ground again. "Sabé, no!"
Then her cry seemed to have dominated mine as she became silent. Her body dropped to the floor, motionless.
"Noooooo!" I cried.......
My eyes flashed open, my cry echoed through the room. I was met with a pool of my sweat. My breathing labored.
I wiped the sweat from my brow and sat up. Could it be true? Was Sabé in pain? Was something wrong? Oh, Force, why are you holding me back?
I began a meditation exercise to clear my mind, but it was no good. The image of her motionless body dropping to the ground still haunted my thoughts. I could feel tension in my throat. Anger. Rage that was felt when Qui-Gon had died.
I felt a tremor in the Force.
"Sabé?" I said quietly.
To be continued.....