Authors Note- Quick update. Possible another one on monday. Have a good weekend... If its a long weekend for you, like it is me, have an excellent extra day off:) Hope you enjoy. No review responses in this one. Thanks for all the review we recieved for chapter one, it floored me how many we got :)
Heavy drops of water pound against my bare arms, racing through my hair, slipping down my cheeks, with the salty tears. My fingers shake around the loosely held cigarette, providing my only abyss over the last few weeks. The sweet taste of nicotine is refreshing from the gloomy days that await me. Leaving me wondering how I ever ended up here. Street lights flicker in the distance, as a seldom few bodies scurry for shelter. I remain immobile, my limbs shaking with fear, anticipation, hope... Not enough. I'm praying, every minute of my life I pray. Never being one for religion hasn't helped. I bring the cigarette to my lips, inhaling the harsh smoke, it rips past my throat, finding a home in my lungs. Not even this can bring me comfort anymore, nothing can. I long to feel the way I did a year ago, it was a short lived feeling, but an amazing one. Anything seemed possible, maybe that's why they call it love.
"Dr. Carter?" I don't flinch, knowing that bad news bares. I've gotten use to this routine, its played out day in and out for the last few weeks. I've held his frail body in my arms, read to him, kissed him, hugged him, countless times. It doesn't do any good, not even bring a smile to his pale face. That same face that glowed, tormented his sister, he's changed, almost lifeless. What I'd give to have my son back, I'd give my own life. I feel hand upon my arm, gently squeezing it. I take another puff of the cigarette, before tossing it to the ground.
"Sebastian wants to see you." I turn around to face the nurse. A jacket held over her head, acting as an umbrella. I nod, swallowing every possible emotion that I have tried to suppress since the diagnosis. She leads me into the hospital, the one I know like the back of my hand. Everything from the pale floor, to the walls that spelt out death. County, a place I never wanted to have Sebastian and Madison come to, not to mention spend almost three months of their precious lives in.
His nurse leaves, allowing me to enter on my own. I push the door open, exposing a half awake Seb. His hair tousled in front of his eyes. "Daddy-" It comes out as more of a croak. I smile through the tears, his six year old body looks like that of a five year old. His growth has been stunted, unhappiness etched in his eyes. Pain bleeding through his smile.
"Hey buddy." I slide the chair up next to him, taking his hand in my own. He slowly turns his head, looking at me.
"She's not coming is she?" I take a deep breath, trying to piece together the words that explain, a woman that was like a mother to him for a few months, doesn't care enough to see him on his death bed. I didn't expect her too, but some where deep down I thought she just might...
"I don't know..." My voice trails off, he takes a weak breath, a tear slowly slips down his cheek. He lifts his hand up wiping the stray tear away. I pull that hand into mine as well, taking my free hand to wipe his tears for him.
I stare at him, watching as he falls into a light peace less sleep, nothing mattering but the precious life that lies in the hands of fate, scissors at the brink of cutting his very thin rope. Thinking back, it scares me, the happiest little boy I knew. Bobby's clone, both spectacular people, with so much to offer, lives taken at such a young age. I can't help but wonder what the positive part of my life is. Nothing seems important anymore, nothing seems feasible. Madison barely talks, rarely leaves the house, its a fight to get her to school. She refuses to see Sebastian, she thinks she's a jinx, she thinks she did this to him. I don't know how to tell her she didn't and how to tell her I did. How to tell her I killed her mother, and am slowly killing her brother. Another tear slips down my cheek, I can't let go of my fading son to wipe it. Its meaningless, it represents the life I could have lived, the happiness we could have had. Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda, I guess. I rest my head against his hand, kissing it gently, remembering how I did just that a year and a half ago to Abby. And three years before that with Becca. This is not something I want to make a tradition. Not with my kids, not with my girlfriends, not with my wife. I place a kiss along his forehead.
"I love you Sebastian Robert." I stand up, I need some air, I can't stay here without hyperventilating. I drop his hands, staying a second longer to run my fingers through his long hair.
I pull the door open, exposing the bland halls, death... The feeling of death resurfaces. I want to find hope, somewhere... I try to dig, find it within myself, but I can't. I know there is none. I scan the packed rooms, noise filling the air, non of it comprehendible. I search through the blur of people, the haze of voices for a familiar face. Susan, Chen, Pratt... I don't care anyone. I need someone. I just- I need someone to go in there, watch him, let him know that someone will always be there for him. I can't be there right now. I feel like falling to floor, blending in with the tiles... I crease my sweating brow with my fingers. Pushing down on my temples. I try to breathe, every breath I take is like a million fingers wrapping around my throat, choking me. I slowly lift my head, fighting off the soon to appear tears. I bring my hand down to the door handle, grasping it. I feel weak, I have nothing left... No support. My father couldn't come down, my mother wouldn't. I just need someone, anyone. I search the room again, heaving a deep sigh...
"Abby?" I blink again, not sure if I am seeing things, if I am running purely on hopes and wishes. Never have I needed her so much, never has Sebastian needed her so much... I clear my throat, she is looking around, the desk clerk is not being very helpful.
"Abby!" I call it out louder, with everything I have left. Her head turns, meeting my gaze right on. This is not how I imagined this moment, her wrapped in my arms, a joyous reunion. Almost fairytale like. Not this. Never was it this. She starts towards me, it feels as though she has been walking forever. When she finally gets to me, nothing needs to be said she understands. I run my fingers through my hair. I can't believe she's here. Seb will be thrilled, I'm thrilled. I look up, our eyes meeting.
"He's dying Abby." It comes out as a hush. She doesn't move a muscle, her face stays set in stone, afraid to show emotion. Being strong was always something that she thought she was, or admired, or even strived to be.
"I know." She whispers back, her finger brushes against my cheek, wiping away a tear.
"I don't think I can do it." I can feel my chest collapsing, trying to fight the tears isn't working. Soon her arms are around me, embracing me as I cry into her shoulder. I hear her whisper into my ear that she's feeling this too. I want to be mad at her, scream at her. Tell her how much I hate her for coming back, for leaving, for thinking she has the right to walk into my son's life and make everything better. Because I know that is what will happen. He adores her, seeing her face for five minutes will brighten his day. I've sat by his bed for hours on end, holding his hand, kissing, holding him... None of that means anything. He needs her, he needs to hear after all this time that she still thinks about him, wants to be near him.
"Hey..." She parts from me for a second, giving me a chance to recuperate, I hold her hand in my own. "Sebastian could get through this." I shake my head at her, don't do that. Don't say this. Don't give him false hope. We have fought together, I have been here every step of the way. He's dying. Words can't make him better, he's going. Anything she says to him he's going to believe. He'd believe anything she says, I can't have her feeding him that. Telling him something that will never happen.
"He's not going to. Don't tell him-" I choke on my words, "don't tell him he will. I can't have him believing false things..." I Pull my hand from hers, she looks a little irritated.
"Don't you want him to be strong? Fight, if you are feeding him things like that-" Her hand has found its way to her hip, and attitude found its way to my ears.
"Look, you haven't been here long, you haven't watched him suffer. So you are not one to tell me what ideas to put into my sons head." I lean against the wall. I haven't slept in three months pretty much, haven't eaten in days, I'm not in the mood for this. For her. I wouldn't have called her if it weren't for Seb. He means the world to me right now.
"Look-" She sighs a little, taking a step closer to me. "I don't want to fight with you. You're right, he's your son, I just- I want him to fight... Get through this, we can help him. He's still here, right?" I nod, waiting for her to continue. "That's gotta mean something." Yeah it means the disease is slowly eating him alive.
I take her hand in mine. I nudge my head towards his room, she nods, accepting that she will go in with me. She runs her thumb along the back of my hand. I lead her in, Sebastian is still sleeping quietly.
"Sebastian." She whispers, his eyes flutter open. A smile present on his lips.
Heavy drops of water pound against my bare arms, racing through my hair, slipping down my cheeks, with the salty tears. My fingers shake around the loosely held cigarette, providing my only abyss over the last few weeks. The sweet taste of nicotine is refreshing from the gloomy days that await me. Leaving me wondering how I ever ended up here. Street lights flicker in the distance, as a seldom few bodies scurry for shelter. I remain immobile, my limbs shaking with fear, anticipation, hope... Not enough. I'm praying, every minute of my life I pray. Never being one for religion hasn't helped. I bring the cigarette to my lips, inhaling the harsh smoke, it rips past my throat, finding a home in my lungs. Not even this can bring me comfort anymore, nothing can. I long to feel the way I did a year ago, it was a short lived feeling, but an amazing one. Anything seemed possible, maybe that's why they call it love.
"Dr. Carter?" I don't flinch, knowing that bad news bares. I've gotten use to this routine, its played out day in and out for the last few weeks. I've held his frail body in my arms, read to him, kissed him, hugged him, countless times. It doesn't do any good, not even bring a smile to his pale face. That same face that glowed, tormented his sister, he's changed, almost lifeless. What I'd give to have my son back, I'd give my own life. I feel hand upon my arm, gently squeezing it. I take another puff of the cigarette, before tossing it to the ground.
"Sebastian wants to see you." I turn around to face the nurse. A jacket held over her head, acting as an umbrella. I nod, swallowing every possible emotion that I have tried to suppress since the diagnosis. She leads me into the hospital, the one I know like the back of my hand. Everything from the pale floor, to the walls that spelt out death. County, a place I never wanted to have Sebastian and Madison come to, not to mention spend almost three months of their precious lives in.
His nurse leaves, allowing me to enter on my own. I push the door open, exposing a half awake Seb. His hair tousled in front of his eyes. "Daddy-" It comes out as more of a croak. I smile through the tears, his six year old body looks like that of a five year old. His growth has been stunted, unhappiness etched in his eyes. Pain bleeding through his smile.
"Hey buddy." I slide the chair up next to him, taking his hand in my own. He slowly turns his head, looking at me.
"She's not coming is she?" I take a deep breath, trying to piece together the words that explain, a woman that was like a mother to him for a few months, doesn't care enough to see him on his death bed. I didn't expect her too, but some where deep down I thought she just might...
"I don't know..." My voice trails off, he takes a weak breath, a tear slowly slips down his cheek. He lifts his hand up wiping the stray tear away. I pull that hand into mine as well, taking my free hand to wipe his tears for him.
I stare at him, watching as he falls into a light peace less sleep, nothing mattering but the precious life that lies in the hands of fate, scissors at the brink of cutting his very thin rope. Thinking back, it scares me, the happiest little boy I knew. Bobby's clone, both spectacular people, with so much to offer, lives taken at such a young age. I can't help but wonder what the positive part of my life is. Nothing seems important anymore, nothing seems feasible. Madison barely talks, rarely leaves the house, its a fight to get her to school. She refuses to see Sebastian, she thinks she's a jinx, she thinks she did this to him. I don't know how to tell her she didn't and how to tell her I did. How to tell her I killed her mother, and am slowly killing her brother. Another tear slips down my cheek, I can't let go of my fading son to wipe it. Its meaningless, it represents the life I could have lived, the happiness we could have had. Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda, I guess. I rest my head against his hand, kissing it gently, remembering how I did just that a year and a half ago to Abby. And three years before that with Becca. This is not something I want to make a tradition. Not with my kids, not with my girlfriends, not with my wife. I place a kiss along his forehead.
"I love you Sebastian Robert." I stand up, I need some air, I can't stay here without hyperventilating. I drop his hands, staying a second longer to run my fingers through his long hair.
I pull the door open, exposing the bland halls, death... The feeling of death resurfaces. I want to find hope, somewhere... I try to dig, find it within myself, but I can't. I know there is none. I scan the packed rooms, noise filling the air, non of it comprehendible. I search through the blur of people, the haze of voices for a familiar face. Susan, Chen, Pratt... I don't care anyone. I need someone. I just- I need someone to go in there, watch him, let him know that someone will always be there for him. I can't be there right now. I feel like falling to floor, blending in with the tiles... I crease my sweating brow with my fingers. Pushing down on my temples. I try to breathe, every breath I take is like a million fingers wrapping around my throat, choking me. I slowly lift my head, fighting off the soon to appear tears. I bring my hand down to the door handle, grasping it. I feel weak, I have nothing left... No support. My father couldn't come down, my mother wouldn't. I just need someone, anyone. I search the room again, heaving a deep sigh...
"Abby?" I blink again, not sure if I am seeing things, if I am running purely on hopes and wishes. Never have I needed her so much, never has Sebastian needed her so much... I clear my throat, she is looking around, the desk clerk is not being very helpful.
"Abby!" I call it out louder, with everything I have left. Her head turns, meeting my gaze right on. This is not how I imagined this moment, her wrapped in my arms, a joyous reunion. Almost fairytale like. Not this. Never was it this. She starts towards me, it feels as though she has been walking forever. When she finally gets to me, nothing needs to be said she understands. I run my fingers through my hair. I can't believe she's here. Seb will be thrilled, I'm thrilled. I look up, our eyes meeting.
"He's dying Abby." It comes out as a hush. She doesn't move a muscle, her face stays set in stone, afraid to show emotion. Being strong was always something that she thought she was, or admired, or even strived to be.
"I know." She whispers back, her finger brushes against my cheek, wiping away a tear.
"I don't think I can do it." I can feel my chest collapsing, trying to fight the tears isn't working. Soon her arms are around me, embracing me as I cry into her shoulder. I hear her whisper into my ear that she's feeling this too. I want to be mad at her, scream at her. Tell her how much I hate her for coming back, for leaving, for thinking she has the right to walk into my son's life and make everything better. Because I know that is what will happen. He adores her, seeing her face for five minutes will brighten his day. I've sat by his bed for hours on end, holding his hand, kissing, holding him... None of that means anything. He needs her, he needs to hear after all this time that she still thinks about him, wants to be near him.
"Hey..." She parts from me for a second, giving me a chance to recuperate, I hold her hand in my own. "Sebastian could get through this." I shake my head at her, don't do that. Don't say this. Don't give him false hope. We have fought together, I have been here every step of the way. He's dying. Words can't make him better, he's going. Anything she says to him he's going to believe. He'd believe anything she says, I can't have her feeding him that. Telling him something that will never happen.
"He's not going to. Don't tell him-" I choke on my words, "don't tell him he will. I can't have him believing false things..." I Pull my hand from hers, she looks a little irritated.
"Don't you want him to be strong? Fight, if you are feeding him things like that-" Her hand has found its way to her hip, and attitude found its way to my ears.
"Look, you haven't been here long, you haven't watched him suffer. So you are not one to tell me what ideas to put into my sons head." I lean against the wall. I haven't slept in three months pretty much, haven't eaten in days, I'm not in the mood for this. For her. I wouldn't have called her if it weren't for Seb. He means the world to me right now.
"Look-" She sighs a little, taking a step closer to me. "I don't want to fight with you. You're right, he's your son, I just- I want him to fight... Get through this, we can help him. He's still here, right?" I nod, waiting for her to continue. "That's gotta mean something." Yeah it means the disease is slowly eating him alive.
I take her hand in mine. I nudge my head towards his room, she nods, accepting that she will go in with me. She runs her thumb along the back of my hand. I lead her in, Sebastian is still sleeping quietly.
"Sebastian." She whispers, his eyes flutter open. A smile present on his lips.