Authors Note- Okay, so I have done the review responses a bit differently this time. If your review was similar to someone elses, I grouped them together and reviewed them as one. I didn't want to do this, casue I like to review everyones seperatly, but I am pressed for time, and I wanted to respond and post a chapter tonight and that was my only way of doing it. I hope thats okay. Anyways here's the next chapter. We have not yet written past chapter four, but we should be gettng another one tonight, if we can't, then hold tight we will try to update as soon as possible. There will most likely be a chapter tomorrow though, just maybe not Wednesday, lol.
I hold Sebastian's frail body in my arms. He is so tiny and thin, a living corpse. His breathing is deteriorating, he can barely move. I wish I was in his place. Its not fair, this shouldn't happen to him. Carter left to go work a shift, he didn't have to, but it keeps his mind off everything that is happening. I give Sebastian another kiss and place his body down on to the bed. He needs all the sleep he can get. I could watch him sleep for hours, I wish I could make up all the time I spent apart from him. I trace the back of his hand with my thumb, a slow repetitive motion. I want this to leave him. He doesn't deserve this. The hum of the machines above him lies in sync with the rise and fall of his chest. He looks like he's slowly drowning in the size of the massive bed and sheets. I lay my head down on my other arm, perched up against the metal railing. My Sebastian, my baby, please fight for me. I feel a sudden sensation near my thigh, and it takes me a few seconds to realize its my phone on vibrate. I was worried for a second. I let Seb's hand go and walk out of the room. I walk out and shut his door, flipping out my phone as I do so. We're not allowed to have cell phones in the hospital rooms, and I would hate to disturb Sebastian.
"Abby?"
I switch my phone to my other ear. I watch through the glass and Sebastian searches for a more comfortable position, but goes back to the previous one, obviously defeated.
"Hey Mitch, what's up?"
I hear the shuffle of the hospital's ER in the background, but its nothing compared to County. I almost got trapped when I showed up. I was actually dragged into a trauma. Nothing like saying hi over blood and guts, right?
"Well, I have some bad news. One of your patients, Mr. Allen, has just been admitted to ICU in critical condition for attempted suicide."
Shit. I knew I shouldn't have gone. I leave and suddenly everything falls apart. I shouldn't have let the guy go. I need to present better judgement sometimes. I don't know why I put up with it all. I should go back to emergency medicine. Everyone thinks that working in the Psyche ward takes no effort. It does, it is mentally exhausting, especially when you have patients that show no progress in all the time you work with them.
"Is he talking? Is he responsive?"
I hear the clicking of Mitch's pen over the phone. It suddenly died down. Yeah, the ER is like that there. We get some moments, but otherwise, everyone is orderly and polite, no shooting, no stabbing, no fighting. I almost miss Chicago.
"That's why I'm calling. He's being transported to Psyche, but he won't talk to anyone but you."
I run my hand through my hair, concentrating on Seb's monitor. I lean against the wall, away from him. What am I supposed to do? I can't leave him, not now, not again. I can't leave my patients either. He's not my worst. I have others that are worse than Mr. Allen. I sink slowly to the floor, contemplating all I have to loose and what I have gained.
"So what am I supposed to do?"
I rest my head on my kneecaps. The throbbing in my head is beginning to start. I rub my temples, which only seems to make the pain worse. Slowly I look up, I see a mother crying over a bed. The shrill sound of the monitor echoes throughout the entire floor. The door slams shut. Another casualty in this war against nature.
"Is your brother still running that trail?"
I hear him sigh, I probably threw him off guard. I don't know what I want anymore. I want hope, I want some type of hope.
"I'll have him give you a call."
He hangs up, I know Mitch will do everything in his power to persuade his eldest brother to call me. I met Wesley a few times, he works in the hospital's paediatric oncology unit. He started a new trial, and I had to prepare the patients and the families psychologically for the intensive care. I was there a lot, but he found a specialist in child psychology. I would help out from time to time. I look back at the room where I saw the mother crying. The door is closed, a thick wooden barrier between hell and reality. They seem almost equal at times. My phone starts to vibrate in my hand, and I pop it open.
"Dr. Lockhart, what can I do for you?"
I breathe a sigh of relief. That took all of what, five seconds? I have to remember to give Mitch a huge hug and a kiss when I get back. He is my savoir, I could not ask for a better friend right now.
"I have a patient for you."
I hear his sigh, and a bit of laughter in the background. He's probably with one of his patients, trying to cheer them up. He's such a wonderful doctor, the kids seem to love him. He looks threatening at times, but he has a heart the size of Alaska.
"Get the approval, fax the information, and if he qualifies, I'll have a chopper come and get him. Of course I am only supposed to agree to this if you come back and tend to your patients, Ms. Lockhart."
My heart is pounding, this could be the answer we've all been searching for. I mean he didn't have to take Seb. I don't' want to get my hopes up, this isn't a cure all. He's not god, and neither has he had 100% success in his trial, but maybe Seb's one of the positive percent. He has everything going for him. Seb has his entire life in front of him. He can't just deteriorate in the hospital.
"It's a deal."
I slam my phone and pick myself off of the floor. Where in this world is Carter. I straighten my skirt and my heels click down the hallway as I head towards the elevator. I wave at the nurse to tell her that I'll be right back and she acknowledges me with a nodd. I wait for the elevator, but decide for the stairs. I race down them, a vague memory of my med school days. Running from one floor to the next with labs and information. It was hectic, but it was always worth it in the end. I follow my sense to the lounge, since I don't see him on the floor, and its relatively quiet, even for County. I push the door open and meet Carter, who is sitting at the table, filling out charts.
"John."
He looks up at me, then instantly stands up, as if I am going to attack him, or he wants to distance himself from me. I wouldn't blame him at this point, but I don't care. Its not about him, or me, or us, or if there is even an us. This is about Sebastian.
"I pulled a few strings and can get Sebastian into the Ped's Oncology at U of M. One of my colleagues is running a trial, incorporating mental and physical therapy... He's had an 87% success rate."
He looks at me dumbfounded, a questioning of my motives most likely. He sits back down at his table.
"I've had specialists see him. I've done everything I can. There's no hope."
I want to hit him, I want to just hit those horrid thoughts out of his mind. Getting better is part psychological. If Seb wasn't full of such lame thoughts, he might be more prone to fighting the disease, not giving into it. I know he's seen it before, but he needs to have faith.
"So you're just going to let your son die? This could give him a chance."
He mindlessly flips through piles of papers. Does this not affect him? Does he just simply not give a damn? I grab the chair next to him and sit down. He looks at me with his tired eyes, clearly overburdened and hopeless. It seems hopeless, I know. But I love you, I love your son and your daughter. Your son needs to get better, for me, for us, for all of us. Please, understand, I want to do what's best. I want to undo all the pain I caused before. I'm better now, I wish I could make you see that. I won't break your heart, I won't leave. Please... Just understand me.
"Or put him through more pain."
A sigh of frustration escapes from me, and he moves farther and farther away from me, concentrating more on his papers than anything else. Men are so stupid, I swear. I cradle my phone in my hands, trying to express some degree of self restraint.
"Why don't you ask him what he wants to do?"
He rolls his eyes at me, taking a sip from his cup of coffee. I don't understand him. Does he want to watch his son die? Is he a burden that he can't bare? Give him to me, I'll take him. I'll take both of them. Just give him a chance to live.
"Ask him? You're here, he'll do anything for you."
I know he would. I want him to fight. He has to fight. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. I want him to be here. I want to tease him about his first girlfriend, or his first day of high school. I want to take prom pictures and watch him graduate from college. He has so much in him, he needs to hang on. I watch Carter rise from the chair, walking towards the sofa. He stares aimlessly into space, the world slowly collapsing around him. I know what it feels like, I've lived through it many times before. The world is hopeless, yet you have to keep breathing, keep pushing... You will come out stronger. I will be there, holding you up, when you least want me.
I walk over to him, sitting down on the empty spot next to him. He makes no reaction, no notion of what he's feeling. I slowly reach my hand to his arm, running up and down slowly and gently. He starts to crack. I start to catch. My arms slowly wrap around his shoulders and his head nestles into my lap. I hold his shaking form in my arms, his tears flowing down his eyes. I'll be here when you need me, I'll catch you when you fall. I'll be here when you need me, I'll be your life, your love, your soul.
I hold him until there are no more tears to cry, and the world has suddenly stopped moving for that brief second. I lay a gentle kiss on his head, linking my fingers with his. I'm the stronger one now, I have to be. I don't know how far this strength will take me, but I won't screw up. I've done it too many times before. I pull him even closer to me, I've never felt more complete in my life. The world can tumble around me, yet I know I'll be strong. I'm finally where I want to be. I place another kiss on his cheek. His breathing is slow and steady, his eyes fluttering with the passing tears. It will be okay, I promise. We'll be okay.
Review Responses
Chapter 2
smilez4eva, tars, ER-Carby-Luva, fiery red-haired girl- Well I am not sure this whole Seb story line is going to play out to be honest. We have only written up to chapter four. But I will be very sad if we kill Seb off.
FallenAngel- Yeah, I think Abby and Carter can still read each other. Int he show they totally can!!!
Chapter 1
hyperpiper91- A dog huh? I am terrified of dogs lol! (your reviewed cracked me up lol)
smilez4eva- Hmm you know what? I dont know what's going on with that, we haven't writen many more chapters, one actually so I don't know where we will take taht story line. But I hope we can pick it up.
FallenAngel- You write poety? Have you posted any of it? The only fic of mine I've been kinda happy with was a fic Iw rote called bleeding hearts lol. I got like two reviews, but I loved writing htat one, it was so different from what I normally write. I duno, writing is usually a bitch, lol cause you always see something wrong with it. But its a great way to express yourself.
Callie, mandi, tars, march, Carby04, robin, trish - Well Seb is a fighter, I don't know if he is going to make it or not though, cause we haven't gottent hat far. But I agree hopefully it won't take seb's life to get these two together... If they end up together ;)
LoLoMo- I totally Agree, Abby having her life together is great, great for her and Carter and Seb and Maddie. I love Abby in the show. She rocks, she's totally gonna kick ass being a doc :)
shygirly28- I hope you do:)
Tilde8884- Bangs are something we love. Although Liby doesn't like Abby's bangs, I do though hmmm.
kate, fiery red-haired girl- Seb is great, maybe we will give him some kick ass lines, so if he does die he dies on a finny note. lol But I hope he doesn't.
Preview
"If it were me dying she wouldn't be here." She gives me one long look, I don't know how to respond.
I hold Sebastian's frail body in my arms. He is so tiny and thin, a living corpse. His breathing is deteriorating, he can barely move. I wish I was in his place. Its not fair, this shouldn't happen to him. Carter left to go work a shift, he didn't have to, but it keeps his mind off everything that is happening. I give Sebastian another kiss and place his body down on to the bed. He needs all the sleep he can get. I could watch him sleep for hours, I wish I could make up all the time I spent apart from him. I trace the back of his hand with my thumb, a slow repetitive motion. I want this to leave him. He doesn't deserve this. The hum of the machines above him lies in sync with the rise and fall of his chest. He looks like he's slowly drowning in the size of the massive bed and sheets. I lay my head down on my other arm, perched up against the metal railing. My Sebastian, my baby, please fight for me. I feel a sudden sensation near my thigh, and it takes me a few seconds to realize its my phone on vibrate. I was worried for a second. I let Seb's hand go and walk out of the room. I walk out and shut his door, flipping out my phone as I do so. We're not allowed to have cell phones in the hospital rooms, and I would hate to disturb Sebastian.
"Abby?"
I switch my phone to my other ear. I watch through the glass and Sebastian searches for a more comfortable position, but goes back to the previous one, obviously defeated.
"Hey Mitch, what's up?"
I hear the shuffle of the hospital's ER in the background, but its nothing compared to County. I almost got trapped when I showed up. I was actually dragged into a trauma. Nothing like saying hi over blood and guts, right?
"Well, I have some bad news. One of your patients, Mr. Allen, has just been admitted to ICU in critical condition for attempted suicide."
Shit. I knew I shouldn't have gone. I leave and suddenly everything falls apart. I shouldn't have let the guy go. I need to present better judgement sometimes. I don't know why I put up with it all. I should go back to emergency medicine. Everyone thinks that working in the Psyche ward takes no effort. It does, it is mentally exhausting, especially when you have patients that show no progress in all the time you work with them.
"Is he talking? Is he responsive?"
I hear the clicking of Mitch's pen over the phone. It suddenly died down. Yeah, the ER is like that there. We get some moments, but otherwise, everyone is orderly and polite, no shooting, no stabbing, no fighting. I almost miss Chicago.
"That's why I'm calling. He's being transported to Psyche, but he won't talk to anyone but you."
I run my hand through my hair, concentrating on Seb's monitor. I lean against the wall, away from him. What am I supposed to do? I can't leave him, not now, not again. I can't leave my patients either. He's not my worst. I have others that are worse than Mr. Allen. I sink slowly to the floor, contemplating all I have to loose and what I have gained.
"So what am I supposed to do?"
I rest my head on my kneecaps. The throbbing in my head is beginning to start. I rub my temples, which only seems to make the pain worse. Slowly I look up, I see a mother crying over a bed. The shrill sound of the monitor echoes throughout the entire floor. The door slams shut. Another casualty in this war against nature.
"Is your brother still running that trail?"
I hear him sigh, I probably threw him off guard. I don't know what I want anymore. I want hope, I want some type of hope.
"I'll have him give you a call."
He hangs up, I know Mitch will do everything in his power to persuade his eldest brother to call me. I met Wesley a few times, he works in the hospital's paediatric oncology unit. He started a new trial, and I had to prepare the patients and the families psychologically for the intensive care. I was there a lot, but he found a specialist in child psychology. I would help out from time to time. I look back at the room where I saw the mother crying. The door is closed, a thick wooden barrier between hell and reality. They seem almost equal at times. My phone starts to vibrate in my hand, and I pop it open.
"Dr. Lockhart, what can I do for you?"
I breathe a sigh of relief. That took all of what, five seconds? I have to remember to give Mitch a huge hug and a kiss when I get back. He is my savoir, I could not ask for a better friend right now.
"I have a patient for you."
I hear his sigh, and a bit of laughter in the background. He's probably with one of his patients, trying to cheer them up. He's such a wonderful doctor, the kids seem to love him. He looks threatening at times, but he has a heart the size of Alaska.
"Get the approval, fax the information, and if he qualifies, I'll have a chopper come and get him. Of course I am only supposed to agree to this if you come back and tend to your patients, Ms. Lockhart."
My heart is pounding, this could be the answer we've all been searching for. I mean he didn't have to take Seb. I don't' want to get my hopes up, this isn't a cure all. He's not god, and neither has he had 100% success in his trial, but maybe Seb's one of the positive percent. He has everything going for him. Seb has his entire life in front of him. He can't just deteriorate in the hospital.
"It's a deal."
I slam my phone and pick myself off of the floor. Where in this world is Carter. I straighten my skirt and my heels click down the hallway as I head towards the elevator. I wave at the nurse to tell her that I'll be right back and she acknowledges me with a nodd. I wait for the elevator, but decide for the stairs. I race down them, a vague memory of my med school days. Running from one floor to the next with labs and information. It was hectic, but it was always worth it in the end. I follow my sense to the lounge, since I don't see him on the floor, and its relatively quiet, even for County. I push the door open and meet Carter, who is sitting at the table, filling out charts.
"John."
He looks up at me, then instantly stands up, as if I am going to attack him, or he wants to distance himself from me. I wouldn't blame him at this point, but I don't care. Its not about him, or me, or us, or if there is even an us. This is about Sebastian.
"I pulled a few strings and can get Sebastian into the Ped's Oncology at U of M. One of my colleagues is running a trial, incorporating mental and physical therapy... He's had an 87% success rate."
He looks at me dumbfounded, a questioning of my motives most likely. He sits back down at his table.
"I've had specialists see him. I've done everything I can. There's no hope."
I want to hit him, I want to just hit those horrid thoughts out of his mind. Getting better is part psychological. If Seb wasn't full of such lame thoughts, he might be more prone to fighting the disease, not giving into it. I know he's seen it before, but he needs to have faith.
"So you're just going to let your son die? This could give him a chance."
He mindlessly flips through piles of papers. Does this not affect him? Does he just simply not give a damn? I grab the chair next to him and sit down. He looks at me with his tired eyes, clearly overburdened and hopeless. It seems hopeless, I know. But I love you, I love your son and your daughter. Your son needs to get better, for me, for us, for all of us. Please, understand, I want to do what's best. I want to undo all the pain I caused before. I'm better now, I wish I could make you see that. I won't break your heart, I won't leave. Please... Just understand me.
"Or put him through more pain."
A sigh of frustration escapes from me, and he moves farther and farther away from me, concentrating more on his papers than anything else. Men are so stupid, I swear. I cradle my phone in my hands, trying to express some degree of self restraint.
"Why don't you ask him what he wants to do?"
He rolls his eyes at me, taking a sip from his cup of coffee. I don't understand him. Does he want to watch his son die? Is he a burden that he can't bare? Give him to me, I'll take him. I'll take both of them. Just give him a chance to live.
"Ask him? You're here, he'll do anything for you."
I know he would. I want him to fight. He has to fight. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. I want him to be here. I want to tease him about his first girlfriend, or his first day of high school. I want to take prom pictures and watch him graduate from college. He has so much in him, he needs to hang on. I watch Carter rise from the chair, walking towards the sofa. He stares aimlessly into space, the world slowly collapsing around him. I know what it feels like, I've lived through it many times before. The world is hopeless, yet you have to keep breathing, keep pushing... You will come out stronger. I will be there, holding you up, when you least want me.
I walk over to him, sitting down on the empty spot next to him. He makes no reaction, no notion of what he's feeling. I slowly reach my hand to his arm, running up and down slowly and gently. He starts to crack. I start to catch. My arms slowly wrap around his shoulders and his head nestles into my lap. I hold his shaking form in my arms, his tears flowing down his eyes. I'll be here when you need me, I'll catch you when you fall. I'll be here when you need me, I'll be your life, your love, your soul.
I hold him until there are no more tears to cry, and the world has suddenly stopped moving for that brief second. I lay a gentle kiss on his head, linking my fingers with his. I'm the stronger one now, I have to be. I don't know how far this strength will take me, but I won't screw up. I've done it too many times before. I pull him even closer to me, I've never felt more complete in my life. The world can tumble around me, yet I know I'll be strong. I'm finally where I want to be. I place another kiss on his cheek. His breathing is slow and steady, his eyes fluttering with the passing tears. It will be okay, I promise. We'll be okay.
Review Responses
Chapter 2
smilez4eva, tars, ER-Carby-Luva, fiery red-haired girl- Well I am not sure this whole Seb story line is going to play out to be honest. We have only written up to chapter four. But I will be very sad if we kill Seb off.
FallenAngel- Yeah, I think Abby and Carter can still read each other. Int he show they totally can!!!
Chapter 1
hyperpiper91- A dog huh? I am terrified of dogs lol! (your reviewed cracked me up lol)
smilez4eva- Hmm you know what? I dont know what's going on with that, we haven't writen many more chapters, one actually so I don't know where we will take taht story line. But I hope we can pick it up.
FallenAngel- You write poety? Have you posted any of it? The only fic of mine I've been kinda happy with was a fic Iw rote called bleeding hearts lol. I got like two reviews, but I loved writing htat one, it was so different from what I normally write. I duno, writing is usually a bitch, lol cause you always see something wrong with it. But its a great way to express yourself.
Callie, mandi, tars, march, Carby04, robin, trish - Well Seb is a fighter, I don't know if he is going to make it or not though, cause we haven't gottent hat far. But I agree hopefully it won't take seb's life to get these two together... If they end up together ;)
LoLoMo- I totally Agree, Abby having her life together is great, great for her and Carter and Seb and Maddie. I love Abby in the show. She rocks, she's totally gonna kick ass being a doc :)
shygirly28- I hope you do:)
Tilde8884- Bangs are something we love. Although Liby doesn't like Abby's bangs, I do though hmmm.
kate, fiery red-haired girl- Seb is great, maybe we will give him some kick ass lines, so if he does die he dies on a finny note. lol But I hope he doesn't.
Preview
"If it were me dying she wouldn't be here." She gives me one long look, I don't know how to respond.