Authors Note- Sorry for the lack of updates, but I was away this past weekend. And I didn't get a chance to post a chapter on Friday, because I was pretty busy. It seems I'll be going away this weekend too. I'll try to post chapters everyday this week though, to make up for lost time.
The rain slowly patters against the window, sending the entire world into a dark bliss. The thunder rolls and the lighting strikes the sky, a message from the angry gods. The rhythmic pitter patter of the large drops sends me deeper into oblivion. I'm falling into a spiral of confusion, the end looking more and more like the beginning every day. I can see the sky crack, sending torrents through the ground, vibrating everything in sight. The storm does nothing but push me deeper into the hole I've created. I'm no longer what I used to me. I can lie all I want to myself. The bitter taste of a salty tear makes its way down over my lips. I brush it away, avoiding to confront the clutter inside myself. I throw my shoes off under the table, walking towards the living room. I turn the lights off before they have a chance to go out on their own. I light the few candles that I have, scattered around the room. Their pale orange glow fills the empty space, giving me a bleak view of my world. I push my CD player on, selecting Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. I set it on low, letting it gently mix with the sound of the storm. I walk over to my cabinet, pulling out a wine glass and a bottle of red wine. I slowly pour the blood-toned liquid into the clear crystal cup. It makes a comforting swoosh, I know its affects and consequences, I'm ready to take them. I plant myself on my sofa, pulling my feet up under me. My skirt rides up my thighs, I don't bother to pull it down. Siri comes in, sitting directly under me, the sigh of exhaustion coming from deep within in throat. The lighting makes my room glow, the gentle flash illuminating the walls, making everything look like a mystery, destruction, fear. I pull the barrette out of my hair, letting my dark brown hair fall down onto my shoulders. I push my bangs behind my ears, laying my head down on the edge of the sofa. I twirl the glass in my hand, afriad to take a sip, and yet dying to. The nights alone I've spent have never been this painful. I don't know why I go back. I was so much happier without them. Yet I can't leave them alone. A roadblock, stuck between a stone and a hard place. I don't know what to do anymore.
I pull the glass up to my lips, taking a gentle sip of the cold, sweet liquid. It runs down my throat, slowly soothing my doubts. I place the glass on the table next to me, watching the condensation gather upon the glass. That's all I'll have tonight. I'm in control of too much, too fast, too soon. Today I was offered the Co-director of Psychology position. I haven't been here that long, I've barely started my residency. He said there was something about me, something that everyone can relate with, my patient etiquette, my attitude, my approaches, were far beyond my years. I want to take the position, but it would mean more work, yet more money. I don't know. I barely have a life now, maybe it would keep me even busier. If Sebastian lives through this, he'll go back to Chicago. I'll stay here. I can't go there, too many painful experiences. I shift my gaze toward the window, I can almost make out his silhouette, his pain stricken face, the exhaustion, the worried, the doubts, the fears. Everything that made me fall in love with him all over again last night. I call Siri up onto the couch with me, and he lumbers up and over. He rests his head in my lap, and I begin my rhythmic ritual of scratching his ears. I run my hand over his soft black fur, my only friend right about now. I don't know what I'm going to do. Mitch is great, he's absolutely wonderful, but is he the one for me? I would only be so lucky to snag him, but my heart would always be somewhere else. Just like after Richard, after the baby. A sudden torment of doubts always come to mind. I don't' want to be put through that again.
The melody echoes over and over through the room, my questions will remain questions. The darkness of the world taking me over, mixing with the hopelessness inside me. I feel the tears pooling once again in my eyes, the Stoic attitude I always try to present crumbling around me. I can feel the warm tears rushing down my cheeks, a sharp contrast to my cold skin. They keep falling, like water going over a waterfall, soaking my shirt, contaminating it with stains that will never go away. The permanent stain of who I am. I'm a permanent stain in the world, never faltering to admit that.
I hear a subtle knocking at the door, Siri jumps up, running towards it. I brush the tears away from my cheeks, but I know that the red will be there. The red in my eye, blood, death, pain. All synonymous. I open the door, the rain only a gentle mist now. The storm has passed. He stands there, water dripping down his hair and cheeks, sheltering his daughter in his arms. She's fast asleep, innocent and peaceful. I open the door wider, letting him into my safe haven, avoiding any eye contact. He can't see the real me in the darkness, he can't see my tears or my pains. He can't see the way he's slowly murdering me inside. I'll never let the truth be known. I shut the door, following him up the stairs. Siri is on his heels, protectively guarding me from all dangers. He doesn't' know the worst dangers are the emotional kind. He places Madison in the bedroom, pulling her shoes off, tucking her in. She's out for the night, for the morning as well. Siri makes his way to her bed, and lies down on the floor next to her. He looks up at me and I nod my head. Stay there, take care of her. He exits, and I follow him, leaving the door slightly ajar. He's already down the stairs as soon as I reach him. He enters my sanctuary, looking out the same window I had been watching the hypnotizing rain. I stand a few feet behind him, the silence and tension too much to overcome tonight. He sees my wine glass, and he picks it up. I await his condemnation or judgement. I get none. He swirls it the same way I do, then sets it back down on the table. He shifts from one foot to the next, his hands in his pockets, stiff and on guard, like a bird ready for attack. My bare feet hit the carpet as I edge closer to him. He's staring off into space. The same habit I've exhibited tonight.
The rain starts up again, stronger and angrier than before. It seems to be mad at everything around it, whipping the defenceless raindrops against the windows, the wind controlling everything around it. The thunder rumbles louder, almost on top of us. In the flicker I can see his face, uncertainty and death taking their toll upon him. I take another step in, I don't' know what I'm supposed to do. The candles flicker from the wind seeping through the cracks. The first one goes out, the other two manage to survive. The room is getting darker, the space between us darker, the connection we shared almost black. We're slipping farther and father away from each other although we are moving closer and closer. Darkness and emptiness controls us both, no matter how much we try to deny it. We're so similar, so fragile, so weak, so lost. We're both lost, searching for everything but finding nothing. We both as questions, yet we're met with no answers. We both want to see the light, yet we're only thrown deeper and deeper into an endless tunnel.
I make my way closer to him, resting my hand on his shoulder. I feel him stiffen at the touch, the same approach Madison has toward me. Just bear all your pain upon me, I'd rather suffer than let you. I want to see you smile again, I want the life back in your eyes. I know you despise me, you hate me, you never want to see me again, but you did, for the love of your son. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to cause all this unending pain. If I could change it all, I might. I can't say I would, but I might. Some things are too hard to turn back, others I'd rather not. It's a hodgepodge of unknowns.
I'm within centimetres of him, I can feel his body heat against my flesh. The emotions rush back to me, my cheeks still red from tears, my eyes burning, the lingering taste of salt still present on my lips. I make my moves graceful and slow, not letting him doubt my intentions. I wrap my arms around him pulling him with me, my heart beating against his. His arms wrap around my body, my cheek pressed against his chest. His head rests on top of mine, my hands run up and down his back, then I simply stop. The music continues in the background, the candles flicker, the rain beats against the window. We're frozen in this moment, our pain linking us together, our doubts and fears joining us. I feel his thumb against my cheek, wiping away the tears I hadn't realized were falling. I break away.
I rush through my patio door, running into the pouring rain. I need to get rid of all this, cleanse myself, let everything flow away from me. The rain pommels against my exposed arms, head, face, legs, body. I can feel my heart thrashing inside my chest, my body giving up the struggle, shaking fiercely. I've lost all control over my body, trembling, sobbing, gasping for air. The physical pain pushes everything outside of me, I can't breathe, I can't see, I can't feel anything but pain. And him. I feel him, his arms wrapped around my body, sinking with me to the wet, hard, grass... He's holding me, guarding me. I want to push him away, I don't' want him here, he's not going to be here in a few weeks. I'll still be alone and miserable. I want to push him away. I can't. I grasp onto him, digging my nails into his warm flesh, latching on to his body. And he hold me, deep into the night, through the rain, through the cold, the tears, the pain, the anger, the frustrations, the doubts. He's here.
Review Responses
ER-Carby-Luva- Maddie gets worse before she gets better. lol.
hyperpiper91- I'm not so sure, It could go either way at this point...
hyperpiper91- lol thanks dude!
smilez4eva- They totally do. lol.
trish- thank you, I hope he lives... Not so sure right now.
FallenAngel- No I didn't watch the ACM's :(:( I wish I did though, and I do love a lot of country music. I am a huge Rascal Flatts, Gretchen Wilson (I love Redneck woman) Toby Keith, Kenny Chesney, Alan Jackson, Lonestar, Faith Hill, Tim Mcgraw(a few of his songs) fan... lol plus a few more!
TW- Thanks for the constructive critism. I think with joint fics though, it is tought to make them flow, and to make our ideas mesh, it may seem like an excuse but its hard putting two ideas together... thanks though.
The rain slowly patters against the window, sending the entire world into a dark bliss. The thunder rolls and the lighting strikes the sky, a message from the angry gods. The rhythmic pitter patter of the large drops sends me deeper into oblivion. I'm falling into a spiral of confusion, the end looking more and more like the beginning every day. I can see the sky crack, sending torrents through the ground, vibrating everything in sight. The storm does nothing but push me deeper into the hole I've created. I'm no longer what I used to me. I can lie all I want to myself. The bitter taste of a salty tear makes its way down over my lips. I brush it away, avoiding to confront the clutter inside myself. I throw my shoes off under the table, walking towards the living room. I turn the lights off before they have a chance to go out on their own. I light the few candles that I have, scattered around the room. Their pale orange glow fills the empty space, giving me a bleak view of my world. I push my CD player on, selecting Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. I set it on low, letting it gently mix with the sound of the storm. I walk over to my cabinet, pulling out a wine glass and a bottle of red wine. I slowly pour the blood-toned liquid into the clear crystal cup. It makes a comforting swoosh, I know its affects and consequences, I'm ready to take them. I plant myself on my sofa, pulling my feet up under me. My skirt rides up my thighs, I don't bother to pull it down. Siri comes in, sitting directly under me, the sigh of exhaustion coming from deep within in throat. The lighting makes my room glow, the gentle flash illuminating the walls, making everything look like a mystery, destruction, fear. I pull the barrette out of my hair, letting my dark brown hair fall down onto my shoulders. I push my bangs behind my ears, laying my head down on the edge of the sofa. I twirl the glass in my hand, afriad to take a sip, and yet dying to. The nights alone I've spent have never been this painful. I don't know why I go back. I was so much happier without them. Yet I can't leave them alone. A roadblock, stuck between a stone and a hard place. I don't know what to do anymore.
I pull the glass up to my lips, taking a gentle sip of the cold, sweet liquid. It runs down my throat, slowly soothing my doubts. I place the glass on the table next to me, watching the condensation gather upon the glass. That's all I'll have tonight. I'm in control of too much, too fast, too soon. Today I was offered the Co-director of Psychology position. I haven't been here that long, I've barely started my residency. He said there was something about me, something that everyone can relate with, my patient etiquette, my attitude, my approaches, were far beyond my years. I want to take the position, but it would mean more work, yet more money. I don't know. I barely have a life now, maybe it would keep me even busier. If Sebastian lives through this, he'll go back to Chicago. I'll stay here. I can't go there, too many painful experiences. I shift my gaze toward the window, I can almost make out his silhouette, his pain stricken face, the exhaustion, the worried, the doubts, the fears. Everything that made me fall in love with him all over again last night. I call Siri up onto the couch with me, and he lumbers up and over. He rests his head in my lap, and I begin my rhythmic ritual of scratching his ears. I run my hand over his soft black fur, my only friend right about now. I don't know what I'm going to do. Mitch is great, he's absolutely wonderful, but is he the one for me? I would only be so lucky to snag him, but my heart would always be somewhere else. Just like after Richard, after the baby. A sudden torment of doubts always come to mind. I don't' want to be put through that again.
The melody echoes over and over through the room, my questions will remain questions. The darkness of the world taking me over, mixing with the hopelessness inside me. I feel the tears pooling once again in my eyes, the Stoic attitude I always try to present crumbling around me. I can feel the warm tears rushing down my cheeks, a sharp contrast to my cold skin. They keep falling, like water going over a waterfall, soaking my shirt, contaminating it with stains that will never go away. The permanent stain of who I am. I'm a permanent stain in the world, never faltering to admit that.
I hear a subtle knocking at the door, Siri jumps up, running towards it. I brush the tears away from my cheeks, but I know that the red will be there. The red in my eye, blood, death, pain. All synonymous. I open the door, the rain only a gentle mist now. The storm has passed. He stands there, water dripping down his hair and cheeks, sheltering his daughter in his arms. She's fast asleep, innocent and peaceful. I open the door wider, letting him into my safe haven, avoiding any eye contact. He can't see the real me in the darkness, he can't see my tears or my pains. He can't see the way he's slowly murdering me inside. I'll never let the truth be known. I shut the door, following him up the stairs. Siri is on his heels, protectively guarding me from all dangers. He doesn't' know the worst dangers are the emotional kind. He places Madison in the bedroom, pulling her shoes off, tucking her in. She's out for the night, for the morning as well. Siri makes his way to her bed, and lies down on the floor next to her. He looks up at me and I nod my head. Stay there, take care of her. He exits, and I follow him, leaving the door slightly ajar. He's already down the stairs as soon as I reach him. He enters my sanctuary, looking out the same window I had been watching the hypnotizing rain. I stand a few feet behind him, the silence and tension too much to overcome tonight. He sees my wine glass, and he picks it up. I await his condemnation or judgement. I get none. He swirls it the same way I do, then sets it back down on the table. He shifts from one foot to the next, his hands in his pockets, stiff and on guard, like a bird ready for attack. My bare feet hit the carpet as I edge closer to him. He's staring off into space. The same habit I've exhibited tonight.
The rain starts up again, stronger and angrier than before. It seems to be mad at everything around it, whipping the defenceless raindrops against the windows, the wind controlling everything around it. The thunder rumbles louder, almost on top of us. In the flicker I can see his face, uncertainty and death taking their toll upon him. I take another step in, I don't' know what I'm supposed to do. The candles flicker from the wind seeping through the cracks. The first one goes out, the other two manage to survive. The room is getting darker, the space between us darker, the connection we shared almost black. We're slipping farther and father away from each other although we are moving closer and closer. Darkness and emptiness controls us both, no matter how much we try to deny it. We're so similar, so fragile, so weak, so lost. We're both lost, searching for everything but finding nothing. We both as questions, yet we're met with no answers. We both want to see the light, yet we're only thrown deeper and deeper into an endless tunnel.
I make my way closer to him, resting my hand on his shoulder. I feel him stiffen at the touch, the same approach Madison has toward me. Just bear all your pain upon me, I'd rather suffer than let you. I want to see you smile again, I want the life back in your eyes. I know you despise me, you hate me, you never want to see me again, but you did, for the love of your son. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to cause all this unending pain. If I could change it all, I might. I can't say I would, but I might. Some things are too hard to turn back, others I'd rather not. It's a hodgepodge of unknowns.
I'm within centimetres of him, I can feel his body heat against my flesh. The emotions rush back to me, my cheeks still red from tears, my eyes burning, the lingering taste of salt still present on my lips. I make my moves graceful and slow, not letting him doubt my intentions. I wrap my arms around him pulling him with me, my heart beating against his. His arms wrap around my body, my cheek pressed against his chest. His head rests on top of mine, my hands run up and down his back, then I simply stop. The music continues in the background, the candles flicker, the rain beats against the window. We're frozen in this moment, our pain linking us together, our doubts and fears joining us. I feel his thumb against my cheek, wiping away the tears I hadn't realized were falling. I break away.
I rush through my patio door, running into the pouring rain. I need to get rid of all this, cleanse myself, let everything flow away from me. The rain pommels against my exposed arms, head, face, legs, body. I can feel my heart thrashing inside my chest, my body giving up the struggle, shaking fiercely. I've lost all control over my body, trembling, sobbing, gasping for air. The physical pain pushes everything outside of me, I can't breathe, I can't see, I can't feel anything but pain. And him. I feel him, his arms wrapped around my body, sinking with me to the wet, hard, grass... He's holding me, guarding me. I want to push him away, I don't' want him here, he's not going to be here in a few weeks. I'll still be alone and miserable. I want to push him away. I can't. I grasp onto him, digging my nails into his warm flesh, latching on to his body. And he hold me, deep into the night, through the rain, through the cold, the tears, the pain, the anger, the frustrations, the doubts. He's here.
Review Responses
ER-Carby-Luva- Maddie gets worse before she gets better. lol.
hyperpiper91- I'm not so sure, It could go either way at this point...
hyperpiper91- lol thanks dude!
smilez4eva- They totally do. lol.
trish- thank you, I hope he lives... Not so sure right now.
FallenAngel- No I didn't watch the ACM's :(:( I wish I did though, and I do love a lot of country music. I am a huge Rascal Flatts, Gretchen Wilson (I love Redneck woman) Toby Keith, Kenny Chesney, Alan Jackson, Lonestar, Faith Hill, Tim Mcgraw(a few of his songs) fan... lol plus a few more!
TW- Thanks for the constructive critism. I think with joint fics though, it is tought to make them flow, and to make our ideas mesh, it may seem like an excuse but its hard putting two ideas together... thanks though.