Authors Note- Hey, this fic is back up... One only knows for how long though. But we will do our best to keep it running and running smoothly... The review responses I will get too it the next chapter. Thanks for all your support and waiting for this fic.. Hope you enjoy the two chapters we have for you.
Solicitude coming few and far between. Days blending into nights, never knowing where one starts and the other ends. I'm not sure I remember what light looks like anymore, just a grim hospital room greets me everyday. Its pasty white floor staring up at me, like staring death in the eye. Not the kind you hear about, the tales young children are told. No, the kind that steals wives and mothers from their families, young children from their parents. Death is pretty, its not sweet, heaven doesn't hold something better. It tears each fibre from our being. Souls linger in the corners of each room. Empty souls that have no home, because the evil hand of death stole them much too early...
It's too early.
Tiny fingers play in my hand, the only sign of consciousness. I want to speak to him, tell him that I'm here, that I'll always be here, that everything will be okay. Nothing comes out. I can't lie. I'm beyond lying. I've tried everything in the book. Nothing eases his pain, I think he's ready. Ready to let go. He told me that he didn't want to hang on anymore, that each breath was too painful.
Tears burn my eyes at just the thought of his weak body heaving to spit out such saddening words. Oh God, Seb. Don't go. Don't leave Madison and I here like this. We need you, we need you so much. The only light to our grim days, when darkness seems to cave around us, you won't allow it. You never cease to amaze me.
"Sebastian." I whisper it, not sure if he can hear me or not. Easily, he has fallen back into the state of dreams. "I just want you to know-" The words catch in my throat... "I want you to keep fighting... For me. Please. I don't know if I can go on living without you... You're- you mean so much to me. More than you know. Please." Tears trickle down my rough cheeks, burning against the stubble.
"Dr. Carter?" I'm roused from my state by a soft voice. I look up at the nurse, quickly wiping the stray tears from my cheeks. "I'm just here to check on Sebastian." I nod my approval, moving a mere inch or two away from him so she can get a better look.
"The Doctors told me it looks grim right now... But if he makes it through the week-"
"I know." I could her off rudely. I've heard this tale before, I don't want to hear 'if he makes it through the week his chances go up.' Making it through the week would be a miracle. A miracle for sure.
I watch as the nurse jots things down on her clipboard, all the while talking soothingly to Sebastian. He seems to respond a bit, not a lot though. He's barely awake for five minutes before fading out again.
"Hey." I turn my head to see Abby walking in. Madison a few feet behind her. The nurse smiles at Abby before leaving quickly, obviously taken aback by my recent outburst. Abby hangs back a bit, as Madison pushes forward. I take the small girl in my arms, trying to comfort her the best I can. I glance at Abby, her eyes sunken in, dark circles line them. Her lack of sleep in previous nights obvious. I pick Madison up, placing her in the chair beside Sebastian's bed.
"Any news?" Abby mumbles, looking up at me for a moment before looking elsewhere. I nudge her, signalling for her to join me outside. I don't need Madison hearing this, that would just give her too much hope, or hearing that he may not make it through the week at all, dash all her hopes all together. Either one is a dangerous bet for her.
She stands up against the wall, uncomfortable with being alone with me. After the other night we never got a chance to speak alone. I'm not sure I wanted too, things are already so complicated, I don't think I care bare to touch base onto that subject. She knows what's going to happen once this ordeal ends... Madison and I will leave... God I hope Sebastian can come with us. Her gaze meets mine, anticipating the beginning of this conversation.
"If he makes it through the week his odds are better." I don't look at her, I don't want too. My monotone voice continues on, I focus on a painting on the opposite wall. Its dull colours and plain picture keeps me intrigued so I don't cry, yet bored enough so I stay focused on the topic at hand. My son's life.
"His chances..." She grabs for my hand, bringing my eye level down to meet hers. "I know." She says it soothingly, I almost want to scream at her. I don't want your fucking sympathy, I don't need god damn sweet words, I want my son back. Her fingers run along my knuckles, smoothing down the stray hairs.
"Look-" I tug my hand away roughly, it doesn't phase her. "I just- can you leave? I need to be alone with my kids... It could be the last..." I rub my fingers along my forehead, before her arms are around me, holding me close. I lean into her shoulder, grasping onto her for dear life, my only lifeline. She holds me as I collapse to the hard floor. Just like I held her the other night, just like we will end up holding each other through all this.
Something to hold onto... Someone. That's all, not an emotional connection, nothing, just someone, anyone, I just... I need something to hang onto right now. The world seems hopeless... The world is hopeless. Her fingers dig into my flesh, my arms wrapped around her tiny waist. Don't let go. Don't ever let go. I can feel our tears mixing together, our pain becoming one... My heart breaks with hers, I want to stay like this forever, I want her to magically take my pain away, even for a second. I need her to do all those things for me, that I did for her. I would have given her everything if she had stayed... Anything. I loved her, I loved her more than anything, more than she would ever know. That wasn't enough. I wish it was. I wish I was enough.
"Daddy." I look up, seeing Madison a fearful look on her face. I don't blame her, a young child seeing the only support she has, her mentor in tears over something we're all trying to stay so strong about. I'm a failure as a parent.
"Yeah?" She watches for a second, her body soon sliding to the floor, joining the tangle of bodies already there. She sits in my lap, her head resting against Abby's shoulder.
"I don't want to be strong anymore." Her voice no more than a whisper, gently Abby places a kiss on her forehead, as a tear runs down her cheek. She moves her hand to wipe it away, but I catch it before she can finish.
"You don't have to be anymore, baby." Her head nuzzles into my chest, as she crawls into Abby's lap. I look at her, Abby shoots me a sad look, I know exactly what she is thinking.