Ok, sorry for the long wait, I've had the worst case of writer's block (ok not the worst but it was pretty bad). Just so you know, this chapter is pretty pointless, I was in a sappy romantic mood so I started writing and here's what popped out. It's short too, but I wanted to get another chapter out before I lose myself completely to the writer's block disease. So basically, hope you enjoy, let me know what you think.
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Chapter 7: Real Love
Three weeks later Roger was doing much better. He hadn't given up the drug completely, but he had at least cracked down on the number of times he was shooting up. He had to admit, if it weren't for the support, mainly from Collins and Mark, he wouldn't have gotten as far as he had. Still, the support was difficult to get, being as Roger was becoming a serious pain in the butt or, as Maureen put it, a bitch. He became irritable and angry whenever he had gone a few days without his smack, and even though he apologized for it over and over it still didn't make him any more pleasant to live with.
"Mark?" Maureen asked quietly, walking into the loft and spotting her boyfriend laying on the floor writing, "What are you doing?"
"I've had inspiration!" he said quickly, "I think I know what I'm gonna do with my movie now."
"Which one is this?" Maureen asked, sitting down next to him and examining the screenplay in his hand.
"The one about the couple who are constantly at odds but love each other to the point where that doesn't matter."
Maureen looked at the floor, feeling slightly guilty, "Where'd you get the idea for that one?"
"It just came to me," Mark replied, sitting up, "People love angst, so I think I'm gonna have her move away or something so that the distance separates them but their love still has to survive. "
She looked at him intently, "Mark that's beautiful."
He smiled shyly, "You think so?"
"Well, when two people are in love, nothing should come between them, but when something does, they have to know that their love is strong enough to make it through. That's what true love is; when no matter how bad life is, you're not scared, because you know you'll always have that someone around."
"And you thought what I said was beautiful." Mark said, wrapping his arms around her.
She rested her head on his shoulder, feeling his comforting weight. She did love him, he was a wonderful person with a kind heart, but she wasn't sure if she loved him the way he wanted her to.
"Maureen?" he asked softly.
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry if I don't trust you sometimes. It just that I really care about you and I couldn't bear it if I lost you."
Oh sure make me feel worse, Maureen thought to herself.
"I understand," she said, moving closer to him, "I know sometimes I can be a bit… unpredictable, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you too. I don't want to hurt you."
"I know. It's just, I'm trying to help Roger work through his problems and Benny's so excited about Alison that he could care less about anyone's problems but his own and Collins just met someone and I don't want to bother them but you know, I've got problems too. Sometimes I need someone to listen while I talk, instead of it being the other way around."
"I'm always here," Maureen offered, "You can tell me anything, I promise."
"No, because you are the problem. I don't mean that in a bad way," he added quickly, noting the indignant look in her eyes, "I mean, I don't get to spend as much time with you as I'd like to and I wish I could just let the world deal with their problems and it just be you and me but I can't."
"You have a big heart Mark, there's nothing wrong with that!"
"I know, but still…"
"Mark, I know I've gotten annoyed with you about not being with me a lot, but things are different now. You're trying to help your friend, and you've got an awful lot of patience because I would have beaten Roger over the head by now; so don't worry about me, I'll still be here."
Mark pulled her closer, feeling her breath against his skin; he loved her so much it hurt to think about what would happen if he ever lost her.
"Thanks," Mark whispered, kissing her softly.
"Anytime pookie," she replied, returning the kiss.
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Roger lay back on his bed, his head swimming. He hated this feeling; the annoyance at himself because of his need for drugs. Mark constantly reminded him that he couldn't help that feeling; it wasn't his fault, that his addiction demanded his full attention. Still, that didn't make him feel much better; he wanted this all to go away.
He rolled over to stare at the clock; it was already 8:30 at night. He could hear everyone in the living room through the paper-thin walls, they were going about their lives as usual; they didn't have to feel sick all the time, knowing that the one thing that would make them feel better was the one thing they were trying to get rid of.
They have no idea what I'm going through, Roger thought bitterly. It was true; Mark would tell him that he knew what Roger was going through, but he didn't. Mark didn't know what it was like to hate your body because it craved something he knew would someday kill him; he didn't know how hard it was to fight himself everyday. Collins would always say how his friends were there for him, that Roger didn't have to worry because he had support from people who loved him. Well now the support seemed meaningless, no one could help him because they didn't know how. In the end, Roger knew he was the only one who could help him, and that didn't lift his spirits at all.
"Roger?" came a tentative voice from the doorway. Roger looked up to see a slim young woman standing in the doorway.
"April?"
She smiled, "Surprised to see me?"
Roger sat up slowly, "Well yeah I mean, you don't normally come here."
"I missed you," she replied, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"Then why didn't you ever call me back?"
"I've been busy."
"Yeah well I've been busy too but at least I made an effort."
"Don't start up with me, please," she said, looking at the floor, "I came here because I wanted to apologize. Collins told me what you've been doing and I'm really proud of you."
Roger rolled his eyes, "I haven't been doing anything."
"Yes you have," she said, looking up at him, "you've started to care about yourself."
"What?" Roger asked, confused.
She took his hand gently, "Roger, the reason I haven't been around lately is because I've been questioning a lot of things. I've been questioning us. I was angry that your need for smack came before me, I felt like you didn't love me."
"I do love you," Roger interjected, pulling her closer to him.
"I know, but I wasn't feeling that way before. You see, I've always felt that you can never share real love until you love yourself. And you obviously didn't love yourself, because you were willing to hurt yourself to try and hide from your pain-"
"That's not true!" Roger snapped, "I wasn't hiding from anything."
"Well whatever you were doing, it wasn't good. And I thought, 'how in the world could he love me if he's willing to put me in this pain?'"
"What pain?"
"The pain of watching you die Roger!" she said, her voice rising, "I care about you, and I don't want to see you get hurt doing something so stupid. I thought that you'd care enough about me to not do that to me."
"I'm not quitting smack for you," he said seriously.
"I know you're not," she said softly, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him gently, "That's what I realized. You can't do this for me, or Mark, or Collins, or anybody else. You have to want to do it for yourself."
Roger leaned back against his pillow, thinking about what his girlfriend just told him. Was he doing this for himself, or was it because everyone wanted him to?
April moved closer and Roger put his arms around her, holding her gently against him. Her brown hair fell over his eyes and he brushed it away. She smiled at him, her warm honey eyes glowing.
"I love you," she whispered, resting her head on his chest.
"I love you too," he answered after a moment.
They lay together in silence for a while, neither one feeling the need to move from where they were.
Yes, Roger thought after a while, I am doing this for myself. I love April, and I love my friends, and I don't want to cause them pain, but most of all, I want to be able to be happy.
And for the first time in weeks, Roger found a smile creep across his face.
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Just like I said before, short and sappy. Review if you feel like it, it makes me smile =)