Now I think that I can finally understand some of what Josh went through at Rosslyn.  I wanted to identify with him so badly during his recovery, but I never wanted this.  I never wanted to know firsthand that it is possible to be absolutely alone, even when you're surrounded with people.  I never wanted to feel helpless with so many people around to help.

I never wanted to know that the old wives lie.  My life never flashed before my eyes.  What flashed before my eyes was the scene outside the SUV as we flipped and the sky became the ground.  I didn't see dearly departed relatives urging me to live.  I just saw the terrified faces of my fellow passengers.  I did see a bright light, but that was just before everything went dark and I can only assume that it was an explosion.

For a moment that changed so much, I don't really remember much of it.  One moment everything was fine.  The next something changed.  Then nothing was right.  After that there was only nothing.

I think that I'm grateful for that nothingness.  I think that I'm glad I don't remember the chaos that sure must have reigned after the explosions had finished and people were swarming in to help.  I think that I'm glad I don't remember being trapped in the cage of metal that the SUV formed around me, even if it saved my life.  But I know that I'm glad not to remember the bodies of the dead being removed.

Another thing that I know is that I'm grateful for my every breath.  No matter how much it hurts or how much I want the pain to stop, I almost welcome it.  The pain means that I am still alive.  The pain means that the terrorists haven't won.  I wonder if Josh felt this way after Rosslyn.

Rosslyn and Israel: two places that are separated by half a world.  Israel and Rosslyn: two places that are the same.  They are places where violence has won out over sanity.  They are places where lives have been forever shattered.  They are places that have torn our nation apart.

I never wanted it to be this way.  I wanted to do something that meant something.  I didn't want to be one of the victims that launched a war.  Even as my world is again fading to black, that thought sticks in my mind and helps me cling to consciousness.  I know that the president cannot let this attack go unpunished.  But I fear what that punishment will be.

Monitors and alarms are going off around me.  I wonder if this will be to me what sirens are to Josh.  I don't really remember anything from the explosion.  But I don't want to pretend that I will escape from this unscathed.  I know better than that.  Still, I wonder if this frenetic beeping will make an appearance in my nightmares.

Or is this a nightmare?  Is this all a nightmare?  I wish it were so because then the darkness would be fading instead of creeping up on me.  My breath would come easily and quickly instead of slowly and agonisingly.

My eyes are closed, but still the darkness is coming ever closer.  Perhaps if I just let it take me for a moment, I'll have the strength to resist.

Now I know what Josh must have felt after Rosslyn.  But I wish that I had remained ignorant.