A/N: So, this is the first songfic I have ever written in my entire life. It didn't exactly turn out the way I wanted it to, but oh well. It's still okay, I think.
Anyway, this songfic is based off of Imperfection from the album Collide by Skillet. I love their lyrics and it took me a long time to decide which song to use for this fic. A very, very long time.
So, hope you peeps enjoy!
Disclaimer: Nope nope. Don't own either Inuyasha or Skillet. Wish I owned both, though...
Imperfection
You're worth so much
It'll never be enough
To see what you have to give
"Just shut up, you stupid bitch. I hate you, you know that? I hate you! You're so useless, always getting in trouble and I'm always, always the one that ends up having to save your sorry ass. Well, guess what? I'm damn sick and tired of it. Just go running back to your fucking wolf-boy! Get out of my face!"
Inuyasha's anger lashed out like a tense aura around the forest and the words were out before he could stop it. He had never ever been so angry so riled up, and so hurt before in his life. And the source of his wrath?
A girl that had come from the future. A girl that meant more to him than he dared to admit. A girl he would give to his life to protect. But also a girl that had betrayed him and cut him more deeply than any sword ever could.
How beautiful you are
Yet seem so far
From everything you're wanting to be
He could see the pain flashing across her face only to be masked by a cold shell of indifference. She tried to make it seem as if his words hadn't hurt, but he knew better. Her eyes...her beautiful rich brown eyes...they told him that he had just broken her heart.
But what did he care? After all, she had just broken his, didn't she?
Then again, why was all his senses telling him to run to her, to hold her, to tell her everything is going to be okay? Why did he want above all else to forever be with her?
And so he waited.
He waited for the forgiving moment in which she would yell 'sit' and they would get into another fiery argument. Then everything would be okay. Everything would be back to normal. She would forgive him for the harsh words he never meant to say. She would understand and they would go on like usual. They would be together.No, she should be the one that asks for forgiveness, not me, he tried to convince himself. She's the one that cheated on me. She's the one that kissed that fucking moron. She started this, not me. I don't need her forgiveness. I didn't do anything wrong.
He stared straight at her and felt his heart squeeze with every breath as she just stood there, not saying a word and not moving a muscle. She was a statue, a beautifully cold and detached statue, staring at him with a blank expression plastered on her face.
Tears falling down again
Tears falling down
She didn't let out so much as a gasp; she only calmly turned and left him to contemplate his own feelings. Never breaking her stride, she walked steadily out of his vision until all he could see was a blurred outline of her figure amid the threatening wells of tears building up behind his eyelids.
"I never meant anything to you, did I?"
Her soft whisper came floating gently through the air and into his ears as the overpowering smell of salted water mingled with Kagome's own distinct scent inundated his senses. It alluded him, toyed with him, took over his wants and desires. But he knew he could never have what he wanted most--not after what he had just done. No one, not even someone as saintly as this one girl was, could ever stay with him.
You fall to your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else
For all the times I hate myself?
Why? Why did he always have to say things that drive her away? Why does she always leave him? Inuyasha just couldn't understand.
So he ran. He didn't know where he was heading, only that he needed to run. He hated hurting her but why did she always hurt him? Couldn't she understand that he needed her? Or was it he that never realized it?
He needed her close, but he couldn't admit it. He needed to feel her touch, but he never dared request it. He needed to hear her voice, but it seemed he could only hear it when they argued.
Your failures devour
Your heart in every hour
You're drowning in your imperfection
Maybe he wasn't clear enough about it. He had thought he had made it obvious through his actions that he wanted to be with her. He protected her from any dangers and warded off unnecessary distractions, such as Koga. He watched over her always, holding her safety above all else.
Then why? Why did she betray his emotions for her? Was it his damned fate to be eternally tormented by women he loved, but never have? Do these mixed feelings mean that he was truly in love with Kagome?
It must have been because he was a hanyou. A damn, filthy half-breed. Maybe he was unworthy of her. Maybe he just didn't deserve her. Maybe the wolf was right for once. Kagome deserved better than what he had to offer her. In fact, he could offer her nothing but a life of misery and battle.
Yes, she was right to leave him. As much as he hated to admit it, she would be so much better off without him. She was an angel from heaven, the best thing that had ever happened to him. He was flawed and imperfect. He needed her, but he didn't deserve her.
You mean so muchThat heaven would touch
The face of humankind for you
The tears flowed unbridled and wild down Kagome's face as she ran. She ran blindly and her lungs heaved with exertion, but she dared not stop. She dared not stop and face the reality. She didn't want to believe that she wasn't having a bad nightmare. And if she stopped, she would have to.
He was all the world to her, but he didn't know it. He didn't know deeply his words had cut. Or he knew and didn't care. Which was it? Did he really not know how much she loved him? Could he really not tell after all they had been through together? She just didn't know what to believe.
How special you are
Revel in your day
You're fearfully and wonderfully made
He held a special place in her heart that no one could ever replace. She had given away her love to him, but she received nothing in return. Even if he didn't love her in return, couldn't he at least let her know so that her heart could cease to yearn for his touch? Why couldn't he just say something, anything? Even flat-out rejection was better than the equivocal emotions he displayed with her. She needed to know how he thought but he refused to tell her.
He took each day as it comes, never planning ahead. He forged through fires of hell and returned in time to watch her as she slept. She knew that he was fiercely protective of her and cared for her deeply, but that wasn't the same as love. She wanted assurance but he wouldn't give her security.
No, he gave her security, but not the type she wanted. She always felt safe when Inuyasha was nearby. The problem was that he didn't love her the way she loved him. Or if he did, he was really shitty at showing it. But she doubted it was the latter. She hoped against all hopes that it would be, but she was doubtful.
He was the most beautiful creature she had ever come upon, and the only one she simultaneously feared yet was awed about. He was unique, the one and only Inuyasha. He hated being a hanyou, but she loved him all the more for it. Would he ever realize that?
Tears falling down again
Come let the healing begin
She stumbled and crashed to the floor, clouds of dust billowing up around her in silent funnels. The dirt clung to her wet face and streaks played across her face as new tears fell. She had finally stopped, and his words came back to hit her its full force.
He hated her. And with good reason. She was useless to him and only a burden. How could she possibly hope for his heart when she was no more than a tool?
Was she never meant to come to the feudal? More importantly, was everything she had been through in the past two years in vain? Was her meeting Inuyasha a mistake no one had ever intended?
She should let go. She should go back to the modern times. After all, that was what Inuyasha wanted wasn't it? He wanted her out of his life so that's what she would do. That would be her last present to him. The only wish she could grant. She would leave him and let his heart heal without her.
Your failures devour
Your heart in every hour
You're drowning in your imperfection
She had stopped running and she now had a purpose. She would leave. She would go back through the well and back to what her life was before this big mess.
Her steps were deliberately slow as scenes from the past two years flashed through her mind. Her first battle with the centipede demon and the first time she met Inuyasha. Then of course all the fun and emotional times she went through with the friends she had here. Learning all the herbs and their medicinal usages with Kaede; adopting Shippo and teaching him how to live as a good person; Miroku, well...he was Miroku; training with Sango and all the girl talks she had with her. Then she replayed all the times she spent alone with Inuyasha, silently wishing he would see her for her and not Kikyo.
A sudden thought came to mind and she was filled with half-hearted hope. Perhaps Inuyasha had said those things only because he was jealous that Koga had kissed her. She hadn't expected it coming and had no time to react before Inuyasha saw them together. Maybe he would understand if she explained it to him.
No, stop it. I have to stop fooling myself. He never loved me anyway. Even after Kikyo died for good, he never loved me. I'll never be any more than Kikyo's reincarnation to him.
But she wasn't Kikyo. She could never be Kikyo. She could never be perfect like her. She could only be herself and she knew it would never be enough. He deserved more than just the reincarnation of the woman he truly loved.
You're worth so muchSo easily crushed
Wanna be like everyone else
Inuyasha's heart stopped when he saw Kagome heading towards him. They had both run in seperate direction, but somehow they had come together in one place again. Was it just a coincidence? Or was it destiny?
Apparently, she hadn't noticed him yet as she walked with a slightly dazed expression and her eyes stared off into space. The dirty streaks riveted down her face and soiled clothes had not escaped his notice and his heart clenched guiltily at causing her this much pain.
Suddenly, none of their previous arguments mattered anymore. He didn't even care that she had kissed Koga. He just couldn't bear seeing her like this. She was too genuine, too sincere, too good to deserve this. She was usually so strong-willed and plain stubborn but now he knew that her feelings were equally easy to injure as anyone else's.
She stopped and frowned when she finally noticed him standing before her.
No one escapes
Every breath we take dealing with our own skeletons
Kagome could barely breathe when she saw Inuyasha. He seemed so much calmer than before but that wasn't necessarily a good thing. She wasn't sure how to approach him and wondered whether or not she should just turn back around and pretend she didn't see him.
No, that would never work. Besides, he had seen her already. He had seen her broken apart at last.
They stared at each other dumbly, neither daring to break the mutual silence. Neither willing to face the other. Both afraid of losing the other with the wrong word.
You fall to your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else
For all the times I hate myself?
"Hi," Kagome finally managed to squeeze out. She looked down and nervously tucked a lock of inky black hair behind an ear. She refused to make eye contact with him and that hurt. "Um...I guess I'll be going now. I should go."
A much larger form suddenly loomed before her and her head snapped up startled. She was surprised to see Inuyasha's concern riddled face right above her. "Kagome..."
With just one word, the dam broke and the tears came in a raging torrent. She hadn't meant to break down again and it was completely unexpected. After all, she had thought that she had already cried her tears dry earlier.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she sobbed out.
She quickly found herself bundled up in strong arms and burrowed herself deeper into Inuyasha's hold. He rubbed his cheek against her head and stroked her hair softly with one hand while the other wrapped tighter around her waist.
"No, I should be the one apologizing," he said while pulling back a little so that his golden amber eyes locked with her misty brown ones. "Kagome...I never meant to hurt you. I...I didn't mean a word of what I said earlier today. I was just so fucking pissed off when I saw you and that damn wolf kissing. It...it really hurt me."
A new wave of tears came flooding past her eyelids and she threw her arms around his neck. "Why didn't you just say so earlier? I didn't know he was going to kiss me. It was just so sudden and unexpected that I didn't have time to react. I didn't think you cared..."
Your failures devour
Your heart in every hour
You're drowning in your imperfection
Saying that Inuyasha was relieved at that time would be the biggest understatement in human history. He had hoped that that was the case, but being the idiot that he was, he had driven her away before he could ask. But there was still another issue that had to be taken care of. This would be the hardest thing he has ever done. He couldn't drag her down with him.
"Kagome, of course I care. I want to be with you," Kagome's heart leapt at this but immediately fell to her stomach at his next words. "but I can't. Don't you see? We weren't meant to be together."
"...Why? Why did you have to build up my hope to just tear it down like that? Why do you have to torture me like this? I know I'm worthless and just a burden to you, but why couldn't you just reject me without giving me hope? I don't deserve to be with you, I'll admit that, but all I've wanted all along was a clear yes or no. I can't handle this anymore. I--"
She would have continued but Inuyasha's mouth had enclosed hers in a desperate attempt to show her how much he needed her. She was much too shocked at first to do respond, but soon loosened to immerse herself in his touch. He was being amazingly gentle while also being slightly forceful and completely dominating.
Won't you believe it
Won't you believe in
All the things I see in you
They parted slowly and more than reluctantly on Inuyasha's part, but he had to clear things up first.
His face hovered mere centimeters away from hers and he could feel the heat radiating off of her body. With a genuine smile--one he had never smiled since his mother died--he raked his fingers through the hair on the side of her head and kept it buried within the midnight tresses.
"It was never your problem. It has always and probably always will be, my fault," he whispered softly. "Kagome, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I just get so damn frustrated whenever you leave me, I don't know how to handle my emotions. I've...never felt this way before. And it's only when I'm with you. I've seen you cry for, hurt for me, laugh for me and it's done wonders for my heart. It's a miracle I'm even saying these things to you, you know? You've changed me, Kagome, and I don't want things to change back to the way things used to be. I wanna stay like this. But...I don't deserve to have you by my side. I have nothing to offer you but a life of suffering and pain. And I don't want you to go through that. Besides, I'm just a filthy half-breed."
There. He had finally admitted his feelings. He wasn't sure if it was love but he did know that she deserved better than the life he had to give her. This would be his gift to her.
"You asshole."
Her voice snapped Inuyasha from his reverie and found her glaring at him with tears brimming. She was angry at him, but why? What did he do this time?
"You asshole," she repeated, her voice cracking slightly. "You're an asshole and a selfish jerk. Don't you get it by now? I don't care what kind of life you have to offer me because I love you, dammit. I just want to be with you. Why can't you understand that I love you as you are? I don't want you to change. I want you as you are."
You're not the only one
You're not the only one drowning in imperfection
Her glare never wavered as she continued. "I wish you could just see the same things I see when I look at you. I wish you wouldn't always degrade yourself. I wish you could love yourself as you. If you can't even see past your own flaws and into what matters most--meaning your heart--there's no way you can ever learn to love others as well. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not perfect. As a matter of fact, I'm far from it."
Her eyes softened and her voice grew gentle. "But I've learned something through this whole experience. I've learned to accept myself as I am. I have always thought that I'm not good enough for you because I am merely Kikyo's reincarnation and not the person herself. Add to that the fact that she died for you and I'm left biting the dust. And maybe it is true that you can never love me the way you love Kikyo, but I know now not to lose self-confidence because of that. I've learned to accept myself for who I am. Before I can even ask you if you love me, I have to ask you if you love yourself--and I don't mean to the point of being a stuck-up conceited bastard--because if you don't the latter, there's no point in asking the former. You are not the only one that has problems."
Inuyasha looked at her for a long time, still trying to figure out what to say in response to that. Her rich brown eyes slightly misty from tears locked gazes with his, as if challenging him to say something that contradicted what she had just said.
He wished that he could tell her that she was right, that he was merely drowning in self-pity, that he was being inconsiderate, that he was a fool, but he just couldn't. No matter how true her words were, he couldn't bring himself to reply. Truth is, he was scared. There was a part of him that just wouldn't and couldn't let go.
But he would try.
He wasn't sure if he could completely let go of his insecurities and fully learn to love, but he would an effort to. He would do anything for Kagome.
He never said a word but her eyes were filled with understanding as she wrapped her arms around his neck and stroked his hair, almost like a mother would. He reciprocated her affection and buried his face in her hair, inhaling her scent in desperation. "I'm sorry," he finally managed to whisper.
"It's okay, Inuyasha. It's okay."
A/N: Okay, so maybe not a very satisfying ending, but I'm thinking maybe I will write a series of songfics and connect them all. Just a thought. Anyway, this was more like one of those filler side-stories where everything will still make sense with or without it. You know what I mean? I don't think I'm being very clear but I don't know how to describe so oh well.
Anyway, please let me know what y'all think about it, yeah? Thanks.