Author Notes - Okay, a bit later than I had planned but I'm on school
holiday right now and I got an excellent idea for a later scene when I was
finishing up this, so it got a bit post-poned. This is another rough
chapter, not nearly as much as Chapter 14, but still not easy to deal with.
Author Thanks -
movielvr - Thanks for the review! You'll find out about the French dudes soon enough, I swear. Enjoy!
TriGemini - Thanks again for the review! Always appreciated. I didn't want to make Christina seem heartless by not being affected by Ana's death, even if they didn't get off to the best start. I hope this answers some of your unanswered questions from the first couple chapters...sorry to keep you in suspense for so long. Enjoy this chapter!
Depprulz - Sorry for making you cry! Hope you enjoy this one!
Piper8188 - You'll see about the French guys and the treasure, I swear. Hope you enjoy this chapter.
PepaMynt - Thanks for the review! I'm glad you caught the symbolism...not that it was entirely Christina's fault but her being taken captive by Jack started the entire chain of events that led to Ana's death. Anyways, I hope this chapter answers your questions about the French dudes and the treasure. I feel SO special because you said possum! lol. Enjoy!
Trinity144 - Thanks for the review! I really did want to get across everything in really good details and I knew when I posted it that some people would cry...considering I was crying when I wrote it...but anyways, I think its more realistic that way. Hope you like this chapter!
Zubachickqqt4u - Thankies for the review! Enjoy this chappie!
Captain Aunna Borgonia - I'm glad you liked it! Keep up the good work on your story, its coming along nicely. Hope you enjoy this chappie!
MoonlightSerenade - I'm really glad that you like my story so much. I never would have thought that people would like it so much when I first started! I'm touched that you print my stories out ( I do that with all my fav. authors)! I feel so loved! Keep up the good work on your story! Hope you enjoy the chapter.
Cagalli - Thanks for the review! I would like a lemur too...they're so adorable! Hope you enjoy this chapter!
AndrewsLover (WeasleyGirl) - Thanks for the review! I'm working on that extra *wink wink* scene! You'll know when I've got it polished, I swear! Hope you like the chappie!
melamin venea - I know that the last chapter was short but I made it be that way because I figured if I had too much sad stuff people would start hurling themselves off cliffs or something...nah, probably not, but I didn't want to be too emotionally draining on people and I figured 16 pages or so of sadness and violence would just be too much. That's crazy that you got 89 emails about the update. The glitch kept sending me the same review over and over and over...I think I got it about 30 or 40 times! I hope you enjoy this chapter! Thanks for the compliments!
WhiPpeD CrEaM 0 - Thanks! I hope that you find a good name for the midget! -He shall be my squishy and I shall call him my squishy and he will be my squishy.- Only swap out squishy for whatever you name your midget and you'll be peachy. Hope you enjoy this chapter!
Last Time:
Colin caught me as I flung myself to his shoulder, sobbing once more. He backed us away so that he could sit in one of the chairs. I buried my head in his shoulder and cried for a long time. I felt him stroking my back gently, soothingly, like a mother would to for a child with nightmares. He wrapped me in his warm embrace until I fell asleep.
Disclaimer - I only own Christy, Colin and other non-movie characters...can only dream about owning Jack...
What's in a Name?
Chapter 15: The Shock of Grief
~*~
I woke much later in a bed. I sat up groggily and looked around. I was once again in Jack's cabin. But I was alone. I had expected Jack to be back from wherever it was he went, but he wasn't.
Recollections of the night before flooded over me. Images flashed in my mind's eye, images that I fought to suppress. I couldn't see that again. My sleep had been restless, my dreams troubled and I fought to keep from breaking down again.
It was cold in the cabin. I looked down, remembered tearing off the bloodstained clothes in the galley and remembered that Colin had wrapped me in his own thin shirt in order to keep me warm. I flushed from embarrassment at the thought of Colin seeing me without anything on. I grabbed a blanket from Jack's bed, wrapped up in it, trying desperately to get warm...I was so cold that my teeth were, once again, chattering. I made my way over to the trunk at the bottom of the bed and pulled on pants and a new shirt before moving to in the windowsill. I stared out at the ocean for a long time. Finally, I noticed rowboats coming back towards the Black Pearl and it dawned on me what they had done.
They had gone back for the treasure...I looked and made a quick count of the crew...all there. I saw Jack in the front boat, from what I could see, he looked very sorrowful.
I sat in the window until Jack returned to the room. He walked in silently and immediately grabbed a bottle of rum. I looked over at him and just watched as he drained the bottle.
"Did you ever have anyone look at those cuts on your chest?" I asked quietly.
Jack shook his head.
"Take your shirt off," I instructed, walking over to where he was sitting. I knelt down and waited for him to follow my instructions.
Silently, I examined the cuts. They weren't deep but they had debris in them...I knew that I needed to remove it and sterilize them or he would die of an infection.
I walked over to the rum cabinet and removed two bottles. "You're going to need this," I said, handing him the bottle.
Jack nodded.
With shaking fingers, I began to work on one of the cuts. It took nearly half an hour to clean them all out. Then I uncorked the bottle of rum with my teeth and spat the cork on the floor. "I need you to be lying down for this," I muttered.
Jack moved over to his bed and lay back as I had asked.
"This will hurt," I whispered before pouring rum over the cuts.
Jack gritted his teeth as the rum sterilizing the wounds. He caught my arm and squeezed tightly. Not to hurt me, just to relieve some of his own pain. Though he had no doubt not intended to hurt me, my eyes watered at the pain that his tight grip was causing and I knew that I would have yet another set of bruises come nightfall. Finally his grip loosened and I pulled my arm out of it.
"Sorry, love," he muttered.
"'S alright," I whispered before I drew my legs up to my chest and rested my head on my knees.
We sat in silence for a long time. Neither of us having the will to talk or move. It was cold still in the cabin. Shivers wracked my body again and Jack sat up to wrap me tightly in a blanket.
"The Frenchmen?" I asked quietly.
"Dead...along with Pete," came the response.
I closed my eyes for a moment, another death on my account. "Did you bring her back?"
"Yes."
"Why did it have to happen?" I asked wearily.
"Because...because life happens. You can control some things in life, love, but not everything. Sometimes things happen that are completely illogical."
"It's not fair," I whispered before leaning into Jack.
I felt his arms wrap around me in a tight embrace. "I know, love."
I sat silently with him for a while before I remembered. "Jack?"
"Yeah?"
"Ana asked me to...to tell...you that she is sorry, that you still owe her a ship...and you...had best remember it because...she intends...on finding you in whatever is next. She said that you need to keep your head straight..." I said quietly.
"I imagine she does. It's like her to remember that all the time," he muttered.
I sat without speaking for a while. "I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry for, love?" Jack asked, stroking my back.
I sat up straighter. "I'm sorry I let her die. I'm sorry that I got us into this mess. I'm sorry...that I didn't get shot when you took our boat," I cried.
Jack turned my head gently so that I could see him. Meeting my gaze, he said seriously, "Listen. This isn't your fault. It wasn't Ana's fault. And don't even think on the notion that you should be dead. I don't ever want to hear you say that again, Christy. Just because you didn't have the ability to stop a situation doesn't mean its your fault. Don't take blame for what others did."
I nodded and leaned into Jack slightly.
He put his arms around me...we sat like that for a long time. I think that we both lost the will to move.
~*~
I didn't think much until morning. My mind had numbed itself and I tried to flush out the bad memories. The previous night, I hadn't slept more than an hour and less than half of it consecutively. My dreams were terrible recollections of what had happened.
I spent the night in Jack's cabin...in his arms. But it was different than any other time that I had been close to him. There wasn't anything between us. We weren't a man and a woman, not a pirate and captive, we were just there. I lay about as close to him as possible, my hand clenching onto his shirt...I had hoped that if I held tightly enough onto him, then he wouldn't slip away either...that if he became my talisman, than he wouldn't vanish...that I could have someone there always. That night I had slept little and dreamt less. The few dreams that I had recounted the prior scenes that I had witnessed and I had no desire to revisit them further. After a time, I quit trying to sleep...it was pointless and I just instead watched Jack.
I stared at him for the longest time. I wondered idly, how he could sleep right now...I wished that I could.
It felt like ages he slept for ages. Deep inside, I wished that he would wake up, I felt really alone...and I wanted to know that the world was not going to crumble and that there were still good things and good people left in the world.
I sat up, realizing that if I wanted to know that the world would go on, I couldn't do it by lying in bed all my life. Carefully, I climbed over Jack's sleeping form and stood by the window. I gazed out at the sky. It was such a dull colour...it reflected the mood of all aboard the Pearl. I gathered the lemur from the desk that it had been perched on and silently made my way down to the galley.
A few of the crew were in there, grabbing some food before starting to work. They nodded to me silently, but did nothing more.
Vaguely, I wondered, 'Did they blame me for what had happened?'
Dully, I grabbed two oranges from a basket and went up on deck. I sat down at the prow and fed the lemur silently one of the oranges. The second I had intended to eat myself but I had no appetite, so I fed that to the lemur.
I gazed out at the ocean...looking for some sign of hope left in the world...but there was none. I didn't really feel much...I felt cold, that was about it.
Numbly, I watched the lemur play with my hand and then my pants and when it climbed up to my shoulder, I did nothing to hinder it. I just sat there.
The crew began to filter up to the deck and start to work. I felt the heat of their gazes upon my back and I knew that they were wondering exactly what had happened in the cave. But I had no energy to tell them or even to care. Their opinions didn't matter...
I made sure that the lemur was safely on my shoulder before I stood up. Stiffly, I walked back down to the galley. I didn't intend to...my legs just carried me there and my mind did nothing to protest.
Once down there, I saw Colin by a window just staring out. I didn't speak...I didn't want to bother anyone else. That was what I was, after all, a bother...I bothered Jack, I bothered Ana, I bothered Tomas enough for him to beat me, I bothered my teachers...
Maybe I should just disappear...
Colin turned around and saw me standing in the doorway. He nodded slightly to me but didn't smile or say anything. He just watched me carefully.
Further proof that I was only a bother...
Maybe I should just disappear.
I didn't know what came over me...but without thinking, I reached over and grabbed a knife that was on the table.
As though he had been waiting for this, Colin reached across the table and wrestled the knife from my grasp.
I fought tooth and nail to keep it. I clawed at his arm and pulled forcefully at it but he was too strong...or perhaps I just didn't have the will to do it.
Colin, having removed the knife from me, came over and ushered me back up to Jack's cabin. Once there, he pounded on the door before striding in, me in tow.
"Cap'n," Colin said to Jack, who was staring out the window, arms clasped behind his back.
Jack turned but didn't speak.
"Cap'n, she tried to take a knife. She tried to slit her wrist," Colin said, keeping me within arms reach.
Silently Jack walked over to me and asked, gently, "That true, love?"
Mutely, I nodded. The lemur scampered off my shoulder and onto a cabinet.
"Thank ye, Colin," Jack said before motioning for Colin to leave.
I stood silently and watched him go.
I could feel Jack's gaze burning into me but I didn't raise mine to meet it, the floor was much more interesting.
Jack cleared his throat, obviously trying to draw my attention.
I didn't look up. It didn't matter any more.
"Christina," Jack said sternly. "Look at me."
I shook my head 'no' still staring intently at the floor.
"Christy. Look at me," Jack ordered.
I shook my head once more.
Jack gently reached for my chin but I stepped backwards and out of his grasp. I didn't need comfort from anyone. I didn't need anyone to look out for me. I could figure this out by myself...just as I had for Father, Timothy and Mum. I didn't need people to help me with my emotions. Especially not now...not him.
Jack persisted but I ignored him.
Finally, I got fed up and said, simply, "Look, just leave me alone! I don't need you right now. Let me be alone!"
"What, so you can try to kill yourself again?" Jack asked softly.
"If that's what I deem the right thing to do, perhaps. It doesn't concern you," I said coldly. I expected some sort of reply but none came so I continued. "You may control some aspects of my life, Sparrow, but not with what I do with my life. That's my business, it doesn't concern you," I said coldly before turning to go.
Jack caught my arms in a gentle grasp and pulled me back to him. "Did it occur to you, love, that I might indeed care about you. That I might care about you so much that I don't look forward to setting you down in Port Royale in a few months," he whispered seriously in my ear.
My resolve crumbled slightly. "You don't mean that. You're just saying that. You just want me to be under your control. A little pawn for you to play with and then throw away. You're just saying it. You can't mean it," I said, but my voice sounded less and less firm in its argument as I continued.
Jack squeezed my arms gently and then ran his hand up and down them soothingly. I shuddered at his touch...but not from any sort of fear...from pleasure. In spite of the fact that my brain told me to leave, all I wanted to do was stay.
"Let me go," I whispered half-heartedly.
"Do ye really want me to do that, love?" Jack cooed in my ear.
I nodded...then shook my head. I wrenched myself out of his grasp and turned to face him. "I don't know what I want...I want...I want...I...I...I don't know..." I whispered.
"What are ye scared of, Christy? Are ye still scared of this ol' pirate or is it somethin' else?" Jack asked.
I gazed up at him before saying in a voice barely above a whisper, "I'm scared...of...of loosing you. Of loosing what I feel, because it anchors me to the world. I'm scared that you'll disappear, too..."
Jack studied my face and gently cupped my face with his hands. He ran his thumb along my hairline and down my jaw before bringing it to caress my neck.
I closed my eyes at the touch...it was therapeutic, soothing away all the hurt and reminding me of happiness.
Jack leaned in to kiss me but I pulled back, shaking my head.
"Don't be scared, Christy," he murmured.
I shook my head. "'S not right, Jack. Ana's not even buried yet, we can't do that," I said firmly. I had been always taught that one needed to stay quiet, reserved, mournful, until the deceased person was buried. And I didn't think that doing certain things in a bed fit the mold of quiet, reserved and mournful.
"We have to go on with life," Jack said softly.
I looked up at him and replied, "Yes, I know. But you don't understand, I was taught that you must keep sombre before a funeral...otherwise the dead didn't rest well...and didn't make it to...whatever lies next," I added. I didn't know where Ana would be going next...I certainly wondered for a moment. But the thought of the dead not making it to the next world, be it heaven or hell, made me wonder about my mother. Pushing that thought aside for later pondering, I stood up straighter. "Its just what I was taught...I know it doesn't matter to you..." I trailed off. 'Why was I being so accusatory to him? What had he done?' I wondered. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that," I whispered. "I'm just not that good with dealing with this...loosing people thing yet."
Jack shrugged slightly before striding over to the rum cabinet and grabbing two bottles of rum. He pushed one into my hands and sat down at his desk, feet up on the table and drank deeply from the bottle.
I, on the other hand, left my bottle corked and took refuge in the window. Suddenly, I had an idea...an idea for a poem. Writing had always been a past-time for me a school, an easy way to spend my idle hours, but I had been ill-practiced at it of late. Before the idea strayed from my mind, I silently rose from the window and retrieved a piece of parchment, quill and ink from Jack's desk.
'It was the rhythm, the rhythm of the sea
That rocked me in my final time.
It was the motion that lulled me
Into the final sleep divine.
Don't shed tears,
I'm not here to see you cry
Don't develop new fears,
Not everyone you love will die.
Be strong in the face of pain
You know that I would do the same
Keep the future to the front of you
And the past in the past, don't look back.
Learn the things that I knew
Learn the things I lacked.
But do not waste your days
On anger, grief and hate
Learn to live new ways
Live, don't wait.
The past can not come back again
It is gone,
It does not move to the hearts of men
It doesn't come back again.
Live in honour of my memory
Be the person you strive to be
Don't forget the lessons taught
And never forget the love you sought.'
I read over what I had written and started slightly when I realized that I had tears coming down my face. But a weight was lifted from my chest. The poem that I had just written, felt as though someone had whispered it in my ear as the quill scratched against the parchment...almost as if Mum, Father and Timothy had whispered it.
And at that moment, I felt at peace.
I couldn't explain it...but I did. I felt an enormous weight removed from me and I looked around the cabin with new eyes. Everything seemed brighter...there was still a gloom from Ana's death, but I could at least see that there was hope.
I leaned back against the window and closed my eyes, breathing easily and fell asleep.
~*~
Author's Note - Okay, what'd ya think? I hope it wasn't too traumatic! Please review, I love hearing what people think of my fic.
Check out Pirates of the Caribbean: The Aftermath by The Quidditch Gals...good fic, very under appreciated.
Until next time.
~CrazyCanoeingGIT
Author Thanks -
movielvr - Thanks for the review! You'll find out about the French dudes soon enough, I swear. Enjoy!
TriGemini - Thanks again for the review! Always appreciated. I didn't want to make Christina seem heartless by not being affected by Ana's death, even if they didn't get off to the best start. I hope this answers some of your unanswered questions from the first couple chapters...sorry to keep you in suspense for so long. Enjoy this chapter!
Depprulz - Sorry for making you cry! Hope you enjoy this one!
Piper8188 - You'll see about the French guys and the treasure, I swear. Hope you enjoy this chapter.
PepaMynt - Thanks for the review! I'm glad you caught the symbolism...not that it was entirely Christina's fault but her being taken captive by Jack started the entire chain of events that led to Ana's death. Anyways, I hope this chapter answers your questions about the French dudes and the treasure. I feel SO special because you said possum! lol. Enjoy!
Trinity144 - Thanks for the review! I really did want to get across everything in really good details and I knew when I posted it that some people would cry...considering I was crying when I wrote it...but anyways, I think its more realistic that way. Hope you like this chapter!
Zubachickqqt4u - Thankies for the review! Enjoy this chappie!
Captain Aunna Borgonia - I'm glad you liked it! Keep up the good work on your story, its coming along nicely. Hope you enjoy this chappie!
MoonlightSerenade - I'm really glad that you like my story so much. I never would have thought that people would like it so much when I first started! I'm touched that you print my stories out ( I do that with all my fav. authors)! I feel so loved! Keep up the good work on your story! Hope you enjoy the chapter.
Cagalli - Thanks for the review! I would like a lemur too...they're so adorable! Hope you enjoy this chapter!
AndrewsLover (WeasleyGirl) - Thanks for the review! I'm working on that extra *wink wink* scene! You'll know when I've got it polished, I swear! Hope you like the chappie!
melamin venea - I know that the last chapter was short but I made it be that way because I figured if I had too much sad stuff people would start hurling themselves off cliffs or something...nah, probably not, but I didn't want to be too emotionally draining on people and I figured 16 pages or so of sadness and violence would just be too much. That's crazy that you got 89 emails about the update. The glitch kept sending me the same review over and over and over...I think I got it about 30 or 40 times! I hope you enjoy this chapter! Thanks for the compliments!
WhiPpeD CrEaM 0 - Thanks! I hope that you find a good name for the midget! -He shall be my squishy and I shall call him my squishy and he will be my squishy.- Only swap out squishy for whatever you name your midget and you'll be peachy. Hope you enjoy this chapter!
Last Time:
Colin caught me as I flung myself to his shoulder, sobbing once more. He backed us away so that he could sit in one of the chairs. I buried my head in his shoulder and cried for a long time. I felt him stroking my back gently, soothingly, like a mother would to for a child with nightmares. He wrapped me in his warm embrace until I fell asleep.
Disclaimer - I only own Christy, Colin and other non-movie characters...can only dream about owning Jack...
What's in a Name?
Chapter 15: The Shock of Grief
~*~
I woke much later in a bed. I sat up groggily and looked around. I was once again in Jack's cabin. But I was alone. I had expected Jack to be back from wherever it was he went, but he wasn't.
Recollections of the night before flooded over me. Images flashed in my mind's eye, images that I fought to suppress. I couldn't see that again. My sleep had been restless, my dreams troubled and I fought to keep from breaking down again.
It was cold in the cabin. I looked down, remembered tearing off the bloodstained clothes in the galley and remembered that Colin had wrapped me in his own thin shirt in order to keep me warm. I flushed from embarrassment at the thought of Colin seeing me without anything on. I grabbed a blanket from Jack's bed, wrapped up in it, trying desperately to get warm...I was so cold that my teeth were, once again, chattering. I made my way over to the trunk at the bottom of the bed and pulled on pants and a new shirt before moving to in the windowsill. I stared out at the ocean for a long time. Finally, I noticed rowboats coming back towards the Black Pearl and it dawned on me what they had done.
They had gone back for the treasure...I looked and made a quick count of the crew...all there. I saw Jack in the front boat, from what I could see, he looked very sorrowful.
I sat in the window until Jack returned to the room. He walked in silently and immediately grabbed a bottle of rum. I looked over at him and just watched as he drained the bottle.
"Did you ever have anyone look at those cuts on your chest?" I asked quietly.
Jack shook his head.
"Take your shirt off," I instructed, walking over to where he was sitting. I knelt down and waited for him to follow my instructions.
Silently, I examined the cuts. They weren't deep but they had debris in them...I knew that I needed to remove it and sterilize them or he would die of an infection.
I walked over to the rum cabinet and removed two bottles. "You're going to need this," I said, handing him the bottle.
Jack nodded.
With shaking fingers, I began to work on one of the cuts. It took nearly half an hour to clean them all out. Then I uncorked the bottle of rum with my teeth and spat the cork on the floor. "I need you to be lying down for this," I muttered.
Jack moved over to his bed and lay back as I had asked.
"This will hurt," I whispered before pouring rum over the cuts.
Jack gritted his teeth as the rum sterilizing the wounds. He caught my arm and squeezed tightly. Not to hurt me, just to relieve some of his own pain. Though he had no doubt not intended to hurt me, my eyes watered at the pain that his tight grip was causing and I knew that I would have yet another set of bruises come nightfall. Finally his grip loosened and I pulled my arm out of it.
"Sorry, love," he muttered.
"'S alright," I whispered before I drew my legs up to my chest and rested my head on my knees.
We sat in silence for a long time. Neither of us having the will to talk or move. It was cold still in the cabin. Shivers wracked my body again and Jack sat up to wrap me tightly in a blanket.
"The Frenchmen?" I asked quietly.
"Dead...along with Pete," came the response.
I closed my eyes for a moment, another death on my account. "Did you bring her back?"
"Yes."
"Why did it have to happen?" I asked wearily.
"Because...because life happens. You can control some things in life, love, but not everything. Sometimes things happen that are completely illogical."
"It's not fair," I whispered before leaning into Jack.
I felt his arms wrap around me in a tight embrace. "I know, love."
I sat silently with him for a while before I remembered. "Jack?"
"Yeah?"
"Ana asked me to...to tell...you that she is sorry, that you still owe her a ship...and you...had best remember it because...she intends...on finding you in whatever is next. She said that you need to keep your head straight..." I said quietly.
"I imagine she does. It's like her to remember that all the time," he muttered.
I sat without speaking for a while. "I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry for, love?" Jack asked, stroking my back.
I sat up straighter. "I'm sorry I let her die. I'm sorry that I got us into this mess. I'm sorry...that I didn't get shot when you took our boat," I cried.
Jack turned my head gently so that I could see him. Meeting my gaze, he said seriously, "Listen. This isn't your fault. It wasn't Ana's fault. And don't even think on the notion that you should be dead. I don't ever want to hear you say that again, Christy. Just because you didn't have the ability to stop a situation doesn't mean its your fault. Don't take blame for what others did."
I nodded and leaned into Jack slightly.
He put his arms around me...we sat like that for a long time. I think that we both lost the will to move.
~*~
I didn't think much until morning. My mind had numbed itself and I tried to flush out the bad memories. The previous night, I hadn't slept more than an hour and less than half of it consecutively. My dreams were terrible recollections of what had happened.
I spent the night in Jack's cabin...in his arms. But it was different than any other time that I had been close to him. There wasn't anything between us. We weren't a man and a woman, not a pirate and captive, we were just there. I lay about as close to him as possible, my hand clenching onto his shirt...I had hoped that if I held tightly enough onto him, then he wouldn't slip away either...that if he became my talisman, than he wouldn't vanish...that I could have someone there always. That night I had slept little and dreamt less. The few dreams that I had recounted the prior scenes that I had witnessed and I had no desire to revisit them further. After a time, I quit trying to sleep...it was pointless and I just instead watched Jack.
I stared at him for the longest time. I wondered idly, how he could sleep right now...I wished that I could.
It felt like ages he slept for ages. Deep inside, I wished that he would wake up, I felt really alone...and I wanted to know that the world was not going to crumble and that there were still good things and good people left in the world.
I sat up, realizing that if I wanted to know that the world would go on, I couldn't do it by lying in bed all my life. Carefully, I climbed over Jack's sleeping form and stood by the window. I gazed out at the sky. It was such a dull colour...it reflected the mood of all aboard the Pearl. I gathered the lemur from the desk that it had been perched on and silently made my way down to the galley.
A few of the crew were in there, grabbing some food before starting to work. They nodded to me silently, but did nothing more.
Vaguely, I wondered, 'Did they blame me for what had happened?'
Dully, I grabbed two oranges from a basket and went up on deck. I sat down at the prow and fed the lemur silently one of the oranges. The second I had intended to eat myself but I had no appetite, so I fed that to the lemur.
I gazed out at the ocean...looking for some sign of hope left in the world...but there was none. I didn't really feel much...I felt cold, that was about it.
Numbly, I watched the lemur play with my hand and then my pants and when it climbed up to my shoulder, I did nothing to hinder it. I just sat there.
The crew began to filter up to the deck and start to work. I felt the heat of their gazes upon my back and I knew that they were wondering exactly what had happened in the cave. But I had no energy to tell them or even to care. Their opinions didn't matter...
I made sure that the lemur was safely on my shoulder before I stood up. Stiffly, I walked back down to the galley. I didn't intend to...my legs just carried me there and my mind did nothing to protest.
Once down there, I saw Colin by a window just staring out. I didn't speak...I didn't want to bother anyone else. That was what I was, after all, a bother...I bothered Jack, I bothered Ana, I bothered Tomas enough for him to beat me, I bothered my teachers...
Maybe I should just disappear...
Colin turned around and saw me standing in the doorway. He nodded slightly to me but didn't smile or say anything. He just watched me carefully.
Further proof that I was only a bother...
Maybe I should just disappear.
I didn't know what came over me...but without thinking, I reached over and grabbed a knife that was on the table.
As though he had been waiting for this, Colin reached across the table and wrestled the knife from my grasp.
I fought tooth and nail to keep it. I clawed at his arm and pulled forcefully at it but he was too strong...or perhaps I just didn't have the will to do it.
Colin, having removed the knife from me, came over and ushered me back up to Jack's cabin. Once there, he pounded on the door before striding in, me in tow.
"Cap'n," Colin said to Jack, who was staring out the window, arms clasped behind his back.
Jack turned but didn't speak.
"Cap'n, she tried to take a knife. She tried to slit her wrist," Colin said, keeping me within arms reach.
Silently Jack walked over to me and asked, gently, "That true, love?"
Mutely, I nodded. The lemur scampered off my shoulder and onto a cabinet.
"Thank ye, Colin," Jack said before motioning for Colin to leave.
I stood silently and watched him go.
I could feel Jack's gaze burning into me but I didn't raise mine to meet it, the floor was much more interesting.
Jack cleared his throat, obviously trying to draw my attention.
I didn't look up. It didn't matter any more.
"Christina," Jack said sternly. "Look at me."
I shook my head 'no' still staring intently at the floor.
"Christy. Look at me," Jack ordered.
I shook my head once more.
Jack gently reached for my chin but I stepped backwards and out of his grasp. I didn't need comfort from anyone. I didn't need anyone to look out for me. I could figure this out by myself...just as I had for Father, Timothy and Mum. I didn't need people to help me with my emotions. Especially not now...not him.
Jack persisted but I ignored him.
Finally, I got fed up and said, simply, "Look, just leave me alone! I don't need you right now. Let me be alone!"
"What, so you can try to kill yourself again?" Jack asked softly.
"If that's what I deem the right thing to do, perhaps. It doesn't concern you," I said coldly. I expected some sort of reply but none came so I continued. "You may control some aspects of my life, Sparrow, but not with what I do with my life. That's my business, it doesn't concern you," I said coldly before turning to go.
Jack caught my arms in a gentle grasp and pulled me back to him. "Did it occur to you, love, that I might indeed care about you. That I might care about you so much that I don't look forward to setting you down in Port Royale in a few months," he whispered seriously in my ear.
My resolve crumbled slightly. "You don't mean that. You're just saying that. You just want me to be under your control. A little pawn for you to play with and then throw away. You're just saying it. You can't mean it," I said, but my voice sounded less and less firm in its argument as I continued.
Jack squeezed my arms gently and then ran his hand up and down them soothingly. I shuddered at his touch...but not from any sort of fear...from pleasure. In spite of the fact that my brain told me to leave, all I wanted to do was stay.
"Let me go," I whispered half-heartedly.
"Do ye really want me to do that, love?" Jack cooed in my ear.
I nodded...then shook my head. I wrenched myself out of his grasp and turned to face him. "I don't know what I want...I want...I want...I...I...I don't know..." I whispered.
"What are ye scared of, Christy? Are ye still scared of this ol' pirate or is it somethin' else?" Jack asked.
I gazed up at him before saying in a voice barely above a whisper, "I'm scared...of...of loosing you. Of loosing what I feel, because it anchors me to the world. I'm scared that you'll disappear, too..."
Jack studied my face and gently cupped my face with his hands. He ran his thumb along my hairline and down my jaw before bringing it to caress my neck.
I closed my eyes at the touch...it was therapeutic, soothing away all the hurt and reminding me of happiness.
Jack leaned in to kiss me but I pulled back, shaking my head.
"Don't be scared, Christy," he murmured.
I shook my head. "'S not right, Jack. Ana's not even buried yet, we can't do that," I said firmly. I had been always taught that one needed to stay quiet, reserved, mournful, until the deceased person was buried. And I didn't think that doing certain things in a bed fit the mold of quiet, reserved and mournful.
"We have to go on with life," Jack said softly.
I looked up at him and replied, "Yes, I know. But you don't understand, I was taught that you must keep sombre before a funeral...otherwise the dead didn't rest well...and didn't make it to...whatever lies next," I added. I didn't know where Ana would be going next...I certainly wondered for a moment. But the thought of the dead not making it to the next world, be it heaven or hell, made me wonder about my mother. Pushing that thought aside for later pondering, I stood up straighter. "Its just what I was taught...I know it doesn't matter to you..." I trailed off. 'Why was I being so accusatory to him? What had he done?' I wondered. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that," I whispered. "I'm just not that good with dealing with this...loosing people thing yet."
Jack shrugged slightly before striding over to the rum cabinet and grabbing two bottles of rum. He pushed one into my hands and sat down at his desk, feet up on the table and drank deeply from the bottle.
I, on the other hand, left my bottle corked and took refuge in the window. Suddenly, I had an idea...an idea for a poem. Writing had always been a past-time for me a school, an easy way to spend my idle hours, but I had been ill-practiced at it of late. Before the idea strayed from my mind, I silently rose from the window and retrieved a piece of parchment, quill and ink from Jack's desk.
'It was the rhythm, the rhythm of the sea
That rocked me in my final time.
It was the motion that lulled me
Into the final sleep divine.
Don't shed tears,
I'm not here to see you cry
Don't develop new fears,
Not everyone you love will die.
Be strong in the face of pain
You know that I would do the same
Keep the future to the front of you
And the past in the past, don't look back.
Learn the things that I knew
Learn the things I lacked.
But do not waste your days
On anger, grief and hate
Learn to live new ways
Live, don't wait.
The past can not come back again
It is gone,
It does not move to the hearts of men
It doesn't come back again.
Live in honour of my memory
Be the person you strive to be
Don't forget the lessons taught
And never forget the love you sought.'
I read over what I had written and started slightly when I realized that I had tears coming down my face. But a weight was lifted from my chest. The poem that I had just written, felt as though someone had whispered it in my ear as the quill scratched against the parchment...almost as if Mum, Father and Timothy had whispered it.
And at that moment, I felt at peace.
I couldn't explain it...but I did. I felt an enormous weight removed from me and I looked around the cabin with new eyes. Everything seemed brighter...there was still a gloom from Ana's death, but I could at least see that there was hope.
I leaned back against the window and closed my eyes, breathing easily and fell asleep.
~*~
Author's Note - Okay, what'd ya think? I hope it wasn't too traumatic! Please review, I love hearing what people think of my fic.
Check out Pirates of the Caribbean: The Aftermath by The Quidditch Gals...good fic, very under appreciated.
Until next time.
~CrazyCanoeingGIT