Disclaimer: For the disclaimer, warnings, etc., please see the first chapter.

Black

---

Chapter 11 - Guilt

---

I'm exhausted. Sirius flopped down on the big double bed with a sigh, tossing his hair back. Remus dropped down beside him, likewise tired; the entire day had been devoted to moving into their new home. However, for all the work they had done, the house still seemed hopeless. Stacks of boxes loomed around every corner; supper had been Chinese take-away eaten off plastic plates; and their bed was little more than a mattress on the floor, with the alarm clock sitting all by its lonely self on an upturned box.

We'll get it sorted out soon, love, Remus tried to reassure his lover, which wasn't quite effective, seeing as he himself thought they'd still be living out of boxes by the end of the summer.

Hope so. Sirius lit a cigarette and closed his eyes. Remus heaved himself to his feet to open the windows; the house they had bought had been shut up for three years, and it smelled musty. Plus, it was hot inside. He leaned out the window and took a deep breath as a cool breeze brushed his cheeks.

Feels good, Sirius murmured from behind him, spread-eagled on the mattress. He took a drag on his cigarette. Come to bed.

In a minute, Remus replied absently, leaning on the sill and looking up at the stars glimmering in the velvety purple sky. It's so nice out. He wondered if there really was a Heaven up there, beyond all those stars. And if there was, was Sirius' father there? Most likely not; but Remus wasn't sure if the typical guidelines applied to murder victims. And no matter what the juries said, no matter how the judge ruled, it was just what he had done, hadn't he? He had murdered someone. True, said someone was a vicious brute who had been beating both Remus and Sirius, probably intending to kill them, but it was all the same.

Sirius seemed to be thinking along the same lines, because he murmured, Wonder where Da ended up.

Remus jumped; he had been lost in his thoughts, and Sirius thinking the same thing at the same time creeped him out. Beg pardon?

His lover held a hand out to him. Remus joined him on the bed, letting Sirius slip his arm around his waist and draw him close. Da. That's what you're thinking about, isn't it?

It was pointless to lie.

Sirius sighed deeply, burrowing his head against Remus' neck. He placed a ticklish, wet kiss below his lover's ear. Don't know what you're so fussed about, darling, he murmured, his breath hot against Remus' skin. Remus sighed as well, his fingers winding their way through Sirius' long, silky hair. Sirius kissed his shoulder. You did what you had to do to save yourself - and me. There's no one in the world who would hold it against you. If my mother and brother and I don't blame you, you shouldn't blame yourself. His voice grew bitter. I'm the one who's in trouble, aren't I? I'm the real murderer here.

Remus stroked his hair. You did it for me, he whispered.

It was the best reason in the world, Sirius muttered. For you... I'd do anything. Anything. He closed his eyes. But no one else would see it that way. They'd rather those bastards lived and - took you - hurt you... raped you, instead of having them...you know... he stopped, breathing in the warm scent of Remus' skin. Tears threatened, and he tightened his hold on his lover.

Siri... you can't keep dwelling on it... not like this, Remus murmured.

But I killed them. Sirius sounded close to tears.

You did it for me, Remus whispered. If you hadn't protected me... I'm sure Williams would have just kept coming after me... pushing and pushing... until he - until he finally had his way with me... or killed me trying to - t-to get what he wanted. Tears welled up in his eyes. He kissed Sirius on the lips. And his friends... would have helped him. I would have been...

He didn't finish, but anger flared up inside Sirius. The thought of Remus at the mercy of those brutes, being raped, having his innocence torn away, forced to do what they wanted, made him feel both furious and ill at the same time. No one in the world deserved to touch his sweet, beautiful lover - even Sirius felt at times that he wasn't worthy of being loved by such a wonderful, pure person. He rubbed Remus' back. If they ever dared... he hissed. Bastards... if they ever dared to - to violate you like that... I would have tortured them.

I know, Remus said softly. If anyone had ever tried to lay a hand on him... well, look what had happened to Sirius' father. It was Remus who had delivered the final blow, but Sirius had been doing well fighting back; though it was unfair to pair someone as slight as Sirius against someone as enormous and muscular as his father. But Sirius had gone nearly insane with rage when his father touched Remus... if Williams had ever done anything more than he had, Remus was sure Sirius would have made him suffer as much as possible.

I hated them, Sirius growled. But I... never intended to kill them. It... hadn't gotten that far. I just wanted to scare them away from you... he squeezed his eyes shut, a tear trickling down his cheek. But it all... went so strangely... I felt like I wasn't a part of myself, just a spectator seeing things through a heavy fog... I can't remember anything. I can remember the before and the after, but everything in between is... just a blank. I... he swallowed. Remmie, do you think... Am I... losing my mind?

Remus whispered. No, my darling. I'm not a psychiatrist, but I don't think you're crazy. You... only wanted to protect me.

I'm a murderer, Sirius began to weep. I killed them! I shouldn't be here - I should be dead too - you don't... how can you even look at me? He pulled himself from Remus' arms. Tears glistened on his cheeks, and there was anger mixed with the sadness on his face. How can you do it, Remmie? How can you hold me, kiss me, love me? How can you stand being in bed with me, letting me make love to you? Why don't you hate me? He was nearly shouting by now. Why don't you hate me for being... being here? For getting you mixed up in it all? If it weren't for me, you'd never have been hurt - never... his voice faltered as he gazed down at Remus' arm, the white plaster of the cast seeming to glow in the dim light of the room. It's... it's not like you're safe with me... you could have been killed! And now you're... you're stuck with it, shagging a murderer... He dissolved into helpless sobs, turning away from Remus in shame.

Remus whispered, his own voice wavering. No, Siri, no - I love you... You did everything just to keep me safe, and I love you for it... so much... no, listen to me - he slid off the mattress and crawled into Sirius' lap. He reached up with his good hand to touch his lover's wet cheek. My love, my darling, my dearest - I love you more than anything, anyone in this world! I love it when you touch me, I love it when you kiss me... I love being in your arms and having you inside me... It makes me feel so good to wake up and see you sleeping beside me... If it weren't for you, I - I'd still be the same lonely, frightened boy I was before we met. You've changed me, for the better. I'd rather die than take back the time we've spent together. And if you died... - he looked up into Sirius' miserable eyes and could feel his heart breaking at the thought - If you died... I swear, I'd kill myself... I couldn't... couldn't live without you... I swear it, I would - he leaned against Sirius' chest, sobbing uncontrollably.

Sirius bowed his head, tears falling onto Remus' tawny hair. Somehow... somehow, he knew Remus was telling the truth. If he, Sirius, died, Remus wouldn't hesitate to take his own life. Remmie... love...

I couldn't do it. You're being so foolish... I could never want you dead... don't ever say that. Remus whispered. Imagine how it would be... how miserable I would be without you! Siri, never, ever... never leave me...

No, my love... Sirius kissed his forehead. No... you're right, I am being foolish... I couldn't put you through that... my Remmie.... I love you so much. I promise... I'll never leave your side... He rested his head on Remus' shoulder.

There was silence for the moment while the two boys calmed down. Finally, Remus looked up, smiling a little and dabbing at his eyes with his sleeve.

Yes, love?

Can we...? Remus' finger traced the line of Sirius' jaw.

Can we what? Sirius decided to tease.

You know what I mean.... Remus looked into his lover's eyes. Please? I want to... right now. It was the closest he had ever come to demanding sex, and the shy, timid way he asked made Sirius smile. It was almost as if it was their first time all over again, his lover offering him his virginity for a second time. Their lips met, Sirius slowly laying Remus back on the pillows, holding himself up so as not to jar his mate's broken arm.

I love that, Remus said softly, as Sirius stopped to pull off his t-shirt. You're so gentle. I never have to be afraid you'll hurt me. Even the first time... I was scared, and it hurt... but... it didn't hurt nearly as bad as I expected... you were just... just so... sweet. He gasped as Sirius' tongue ran down his neck. When you're ... i-inside me... it's like we're... I don't know, like we're one... sharing a body... oh! Siri...

His lover looked up to smirk at him. Keep talking.

I - mmm... Siri... Remus closed his eyes as Sirius placed kisses down his chest and on his belly, his warm, wet mouth traveling further down. How... how am I supposed to concentrate when you're doing that to me?

Sirius stopped, his hands on the waistband of Remus' trousers, and sat up. Okay. Sing my praises.

You can't stop now, you peacock.

Sirius sniggered. So impatient. He kissed Remus again, but it was an odd angle, since he was trying not to touch Remus' broken arm. Hm. This is going to be difficult, he mused, his breath tickling Remus' ear. I guess we better be glad it isn't one of your legs that's broken.

That would complicate things, Remus sighed, as Sirius resumed teasing him with his tongue. Mmm... that feels so good...

I can make it better, Sirius murmured. Much better. He relieved Remus of his trousers, which had become uncomfortably tight, then pulled off his own t-shirt. He parted Remus' thighs, licking his lips. Remus moaned impatiently, his body aching with desire, as his lover's tongue ran the length of his erection. But Sirius wouldn't rush. He seemed to enjoy teasing, and his kisses and wandering hands were driving Remus mad.

Siri... please... want you... he whined, knowing he sounded a trifle babyish, but not being able to help it. Sirius bit his lip with a soft moan, pulling off his jeans and throwing them carelessly aside. He kept going slow, though, as Remus panted and squirmed under him in a kind of frenzied agony, begging him to hurry up and just do it, he was dying here. Watching his lover as he pleaded, sweat standing on his forehead and desperation in his eyes, was one of the most erotic things Sirius could have possibly imagined. He kissed Remus again, sliding inside him, slipping his tongue between Remus' lips. Remus kissed back enthusiastically, putting his good arm around Sirius' waist.

The teasing had gone on too long, and neither of them lasted more than five minutes. Remus cried out, and Sirius lowered his head to kiss Remus' pale throat. I love you, he whispered into his lover's ear.

I love you, too. Remus breathed. So much.

---

A month after Sirius and Remus moved in together, Mrs. Black and Regulus were ready to head back to Germany. They had spent the time putting their affairs in order - selling the townhouse, packing their things, taking care of bills and debts and loose ends with the money that had come from Mr. Black's insurance. As foul and close-minded as Cépheus had been, he had been a stringent believer in life insurance, and his wife had received a fairish chunk of change - more than enough to help them get settled in Germany.

A few days after school let out for the summer holidays, Sirius and Remus, along with Remus' family, headed to King's Cross station to see Mrs. Black and Regulus off. They would be taking a train out of London and eventually board a ship that would take them to France, and from there, take another train into Berlin. In Berlin, they would meet up with Adhara's brother Alphard. They would be staying at Alphard's for a month or so, until they found themselves a new house, or perhaps a small flat.

Mrs. Black had tears in her eyes as she bid her elder son goodbye. She led him a little way away from everyone else to talk to him.

You were always such a good boy, Sirius, she murmured, reaching up to touch his cheek. No matter what... you were always such a good boy. You and Regulus were the only things keeping me going, you know. If it hadn't been for you... I don't know what would have happened. I might have had the courage to leave your father. If it had been just me... but I couldn't bear to think of what would happen to you, if I left. For your sakes, I stayed, only so you would never have to face going hungry, or... she faltered. And if it hadn't been for you boys, I think... I think your father would have... well, he might have killed me.

Sirius hugged her and kissed her cheek. Don't cry, Mum. He can't hurt you - any of us - anymore. It's okay.

She hugged him back. I'm going to miss you so much, she whispered. Promise me you'll write...

Of course I will , Mum. You'll have to tell us when you get a house, so Remus and I can come and visit.

His mother smiled up at him.

He handed her a tissue. Don't cry anymore, okay? She nodded, taking the tissue and mopping off her face as Regulus joined them.

Mum... can I talk to Sirius for a moment?

Yes, love, Mrs. Black kissed Sirius' cheek and returned to the Lupins. Regulus turned to his older brother. He looked a little embarrassed, and his hands were shoved deep in his pockets.





I just want to say... thanks, I guess. He peeked up from under his shaggy bangs. For... well, you know.

Sirius shook his head. I don't deserve the thanks.

I don't care. It's just... Regulus looked down at his feet. I suppose I shouldn't feel this way, but I'm glad he's dead, he said fiercely. I hated him.

So did I, Sirius said softly. And I don't think there's anyone in the world who would blame us.

Regulus looked at him for a few moments, and a small smile appeared on his face. I'm going to miss you.

Same here. But it's not like we'll never see each other again.

Yeah. But... Regulus shifted uneasily. We... what happened to us, Sirius? When we were little, we used to be so close... but now...

Sirius shrugged. I don't know. But we can start over.

His brother smiled at him. Yeah. I'd... I'd like that.

With a grin, Sirius slung an arm around his brother's shoulders, and they went to rejoin the others. Mrs. Black smiled as they approached, though her eyes still looked a little teary.

Ready, Regulus? It's time we got on.

Regulus shook hands with all the Lupins, saying, Nice to meet you all, then helped the porter load suitcases and trunks into their compartment. Mrs. Black said goodbye all around, reaching Sirius last. She hugged him, sniffling.

Goodbye, love.

Goodbye, Mum. Have fun.

His mother finally let him go, smiling tearfully, as the whistle blew for last calling. Regulus extended a hand to help his mother onto the train, and the pair leaned out the windows and waved as the train pulled away. Sirius and the Lupins waved until the train was just a tiny speck in the distance. Remus looked up to see tears in the corners of Sirius' eyes. He took his lover's hand and squeezed it. Okay, darling?

Sirius said, blinking rapidly. Yeah, I'm all right. I'm going to miss them. They turned to follow Remus' family out of the station. I think I told you once I hated them. It wasn't entirely true. He stuck a cigarette in his mouth and fumbled for his lighter. It was mostly Da. I hated him, and I was afraid of him. I hated Mum for never having the courage to get away from him, and I hated Regulus for never sticking up for her or me. He took a deep drag on the cigarette. But now I understand that they were only trying to do what they thought best.

Remus smiled. I know.

You wouldn't be opposed to going to Germany sometime, would you? Sirius inquired, looking back over his shoulder in the direction the train had gone.

No, Siri. Not at all.

To Be Continued...

---

(A/N: This was supposed to be the last chapter. Well, as you can obviously see, it's not! Hahahaha! More ideas crammed themselves into my head, and I realised the ending I had intended was going to be too happy, so I wanted to add some more drama and angst! When you read the next chapter (which I wrote before this one), you will see what I mean by overly-happy endings. Maybe. Maybe I think it's worse (better?) than it really is... ah, well. One thing is for sure, the next chapter definitely WILL be the very last. - Sorry!

I saw Prisoner of Azkaban for the second time the day after my birthday (my dad took me as a treat)! It was even better the second time around. More stuff I loved : Trelawney in Divination class! Emma Thompson did a lovely job playing her. Buckbeak! He was just so cute and cuddly! He reminded me of my dog! And has anyone noticed? In the scene where Harry is watching Peter Pettigrew's footsteps on the map, if you look off to the lower left-hand corner of the map, you see a room labeled Room of Doom'. What the bloody hell could that possibly be?! I wasn't aware Hogwarts ever HAD a Room of Doom'! I loved watching the Sirius/Remus hints again! I shed a few tears of happiness as I watched dear Siri fly away on Buckbeak, and a few tears of sadness when poor Remmie left the school. More stuff I hated : When Remus was telling Harry about his parents! They made Remus talk about Lily like he had been in love with her. And when he was telling Harry that he should've turned the Marauder's Map in... instead of being gentle but firm, like in the book, he just sounded bitchy. And his cheesy moustache was horrible! And Sirius being shorter than Remus was bad - Remus and Snape are roughly the same size, and Sirius is taller than Snape; hence, he is taller than Remus. Anywho... enough ranting. Every chapter seems to end with a rant about PoA!)