-I'm in too deep and I'm trying to keep all the blood in my head instead of going under again.-
Men lied.
It was as simple as that. His words rang over and over again in her mind and Haley couldn't help but be mad.
"I'll never hurt you."
That really pissed her off. I mean, how the hell could he predict the future and just assume that he would never hurt her. He shouldn't have promised her that if he didn't really believe it.
Because, if he did, she wouldn't be here, lying on her bed in a fetal position, feeling as if she were clawing for air.
Refusing to cry, Haley pushed the covers off of herself and jumped off her bed, wiping her smudged mascara and eye shadow off her face as she examined herself in the mirror.
She was a wreck.
Swallowing hard, she threw on a shirt and jeans as she walked into the bathroom, flinching at the bright light. She pushed her mom's makeup out of her way as she leaned down to the sink, splashing her face with cold water, her skin tingling from the chill. She grabbed a towel and wiped her face clean before she stripped off her clothing and stepped into the shower, making the water was extra hot.
She liked it scalding hot because it felt like she could burn the night.. and maybe the rest of her past away. She was dirty and tainted and she didn't like feeling like that.
Especially, if some random guy promised her the world and didn't deliver.
"I'll never hurt you."
Haley snorted in contempt. Yeah, right. Well, she knew he lied because right now, she was hurting. And, it shouldn't have even mattered that much because every time she slept with some guy, he would always promise her dreams and wishes, but as soon as she believed him and gave in, he would take them all away and throw her to the side when he was done with her.
Men were truly sick and evil.
She felt like a whore because she was. Everyone believed she was but she didn't want to feel like she did at the moment.
No one wanted to feel used. No one wanted to feel contaminated. No one wanted to feel pain overtaking their body slowly. No one wanted any of that.
But, yet, there she was, leaning her head against the cold tile of the wall, the scalding water pounding down on her red and sensitive skin. Haley ran her hands over her wet skin and over the bruise marks on her hips from the over eager guy last night.
Who was it anyway?
She didn't even remember. She just remembered his words.
"I'll never hurt you."
Turning off the shower, Haley stepped out, the rush of cold air waking her senses and makin her snap back to reality. She deserved all of this.
This was her punishment on many levels. She brought this whole thing onto herself. She was the one that chose to sleep with random, scummy guys. She was the one who berated herself every morning. She was the one that felt the guilt.
She was the one that killed her brother.
Haley gasped loudly as she sat down on the toilet, her body weak and shaking. She was the one that didn't stop him when she could've. She was the one that could've kept him living.
But, she didn't.
And, it was all her fault. The tears slipped from her eyes and Haley felt them stinging her cheeks as the slid down her skin. Wiping them away, Haley clothed herself as she touched her bruises gingerly.
She hated it when they left marks.
It was so much easier to forget if they just fucked her, left, without any trace. She had already given up the hope of one of them actually staying because they never did.
Why would they want to?
--
"Haley?" Nathan walked up to her locker and touched her gently on her shoulder.
She turned around, surprised that someone would actually speak to her in school. That would only ruin their reputation. After all, she was the school slut. Nobody wanted to be seen with the school slut during daylight hours. During night, everyone wanted her.
It was almost funny how two faced human beings were.
"Yeah?" He looked vaguely familiar and Haley finally coined him in her mind. He was that star basketball player, the one who threw all the parties. Had she ever slept with him before? Haley shrugged mentally, probably. But, why was he talking to her?
"I called you last night," Nathan said, looking into her eyes, as if he was striving and wanting more from her.
"You did?" She looked at him puzzled, "We talk?"
Now, the confusion was on him. "Well, yeah. I mean, we're practically-" he paused, "Do you even know who I am?"
"Nick, right?" She stopped herself. That was his name. Damn, all she knew was that his last name was Scott. Or... at least, she thought it was.
"Nathan," he said shortly, correcting her as pain entered his eyes.
"My bad," she said apologetically, "Well, Nathan, this has been umm, fun but I gotta go. First period calls."
"Wait," he grabbed onto her arm and asked, his voice, strained, "You really don't remember?"
"Remember what?"
Seeing the truth in her eyes, he let her go and sighed, "Never mind. See you later, Haley."
"Bye, Nathan."
Watching her walk away, Nathan felt his heart sink. It was too good to be true. He knew it. She didn't even remember who he was, when she was sober.
She didn't even remember that she professed her love for him.
--
Nathan watched her carefully as Haley danced her way around Tim's living room, drunkenly. He knew she was hammered and while before, he would've walked up to her and save her from embarrassment, right now, he was too hurt.
He didn't want to feel any more pain then he already did. But, he knew that if he walked up to her, she would charm him with her drunken words and like an idiot, he would fall for them and the whole harsh cycle would begin, all over again.
He didn't want to hurt. No one did.
But, he couldn't stop himself from walking up to her. He didn't touch her. He simply stood right in the back of her, waiting for her to respond.
She turned around, laughing and grinning, losing her balance but Nathan caught her and reestablished her balance.
"Hey," she looked up at him, "Natey!"
He flinched at the nickname she had bestowed upon him before dragging her off the dance floor.
"I'll get you home," he said flatly, trying his best to not involve himself emotionally any more then he already had.
"Aww, but I don't wanna go home yet," she said coyly, "Why don't we go upstairs and have some fun?"
He felt his throat clench up as he tried his best to restrain himself, "We have to go."
She pushed him hard against the front door and sidled up to him, "No, we don't." Finding her way to the stairs, she led him up the stairs, surprising him with her balance.
Even drunk, when she wanted something, she would get it.
"Haley, stop it," Nathan said as the entered the room.
She giggled, "Oh, come on," she drawled, "Nathan. You know you want to do this. If you didn't, we wouldn't be up here." She grinned and fell back onto the bed with a drunken 'oomph'. "Come on, baby."
Nathan locked the door and took off his shirt slowly.
Haley cooed in excitement as she clapped her hands together happily, "Yum," she walked up to him, swaying slightly before she brought his lips down to hers, their bodies crashing with passion. She stumbled back onto the bed, bringing him down with her as she broke away, gasping for breath. "Yum," she said again as she nipped at his ear.
He lost himself in her kisses as he tried his best to push his conscience away. He could do this. He could be just like any other guy, fuck her and then leave. After all, it was what she wanted, right? She didn't want someone to love her. She didn't want an actual relationship.
She just wanted a fuck buddy. And, that was all he was to her. Someone to screw.
If only he felt the same way. Backing away, he stopped her, "I can't do this."
She whimpered before pouting, "Come on, babe, I want to do this."
"I know you do and I do too but I can't," he shook his head, "You won't even remember this."
She stood up, wavering slightly, "Yes, I will. I always remember," she said slowly, before giggling from drunkeness, "Everybody just thinks I don't."
He walked up to her, his face intense, "Really? You do. Then why don't you ever remember me?"
She slid her hand down his cheek slowly, "So passionate and so intense. How could I forget?"
"Did you mean it?" He asked, ignoring her touch, "Tell me."
She giggled before falling back onto the bed, "So wanting. You need me," she put her hand on her forehead, "You need me."
Steeling himself from her words he said quietly, "I have to leave."
"Don't leave, Natey, stay from some fun."
"I can't do this anymore. Whatever this was, it's over," he said, his jaw tightening.
Her body snapped up as she crawled off the bed, "Don't leave," she said, her eyes watering, "They always leave. Not you too."
"Yes, me too."
"Don't," she said, pouting, "Please?"
"I can't do this anymore. I keep thinking I can save you," he walked up to her and kissed her softly, "but, I can't. I'm not strong enough."
She pulled back, looking at him confused.
"I can't keep hurting myself and you." He kissed her on the cheek, "I would never hurt you on purpose."
The words sending off a trigger in her body, she immediately sobered and pushed him away, seething, "Don't tell me that."
"What?" He looked at her, confused.
"They always tell me that. They always tell me they won't hurt me but they do," she said, sobbing hysterically, "They always do."
"Haley, I-" he moved forward, not knowing what else to do.
"Stay away from me," she said, her raw pain obvious in her voice.
He looked at her, confused and hurting as well. Walking slowly up to her shaking body, he touched her gently and for once, he saw the true her. He saw her, away from pills, away from liquor, away from the drugs that so often tainted her body. He saw through to the real her.
And, it shocked him. She had never revealed herself ever before.
"Don't touch me," she said, her voice sounding like a 5-year-old's.
It scared him. He kneeled down next to her on the floor but she only backed away into the wall even further.
"Haley, I don't-"
"Please, don't touch me." She begged softly, "Don't hurt me. I don't think I can take it anymore," she whispered, "I can't. No more pain."
He leaned in and hugged her, making sure not to hurt her, "Okay, no more pain."
"No more," she said softly as she hugged him tighter.
He didn't save her. Not yet, at least.
But, it was a start.