-I'm not a perfect person. There are many things I wish I didn't do but I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you and so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know I've found a reason for me. To change who I used to be, a reason to start over new. And the reason is you.-
The window was cool to the touch.
Her fingers slid down the glass gently, barely touching. The heat radiating from her fingertips forming a clear trail on the window. Haley James' glassy eyes stared off outside as she traced a few nonsensical words on the window, her mind travelling elsewhere.
It had been 5 months since she and Nathan had started dating. 5 months since she cracked down in the girl's bathroom with Nathan there to pick up the pieces. 5 months since she began talking more, opening herself up more.
She began to live again.
And, it was because of him. Haley's hand dropped slowly as she broke her gaze away from the outside world, a soft pressure on her right shoulder bringing her back to reality. She looked up at Nathan's caring eyes and gave him a small smile, reassuring him of the words she could not yet utter.
Haley stood up and looked down at her apparel, asking softly, "Do you think he'll like it?"
"You look beautiful," Nathan murmured as he held her in a tight hug.
She leaned into his touch and sighed heavily, "I don't know if I can go. It's been so long since I visited him."
"It's okay," he whispered into her ear as he squeezed her petite body in reassurance. "I'll be with you."
Haley nodded nervously and followed him down the stairs. She couldn't do this. She couldn't visit him, not after so long. Not after two years with no word, only having him in her thoughts. Did he know? Did he know that she still thought about him? That she still regretted every single thing she did before 'it' happened? That she would give up her own life for him to be on this earth, living again? The tears stung her eyes as Haley resisted the urge to cry. She had to be strong. She had to be.
But, she couldn't.
The tingles began to creep up her spine as she suddenly found it hard to breathe. The air escaped from her lungs as she clutched onto the railing of the stairs tightly, her knuckles turning white from the intensity of the grip. She collapsed onto the steps as she started breathing heavily.
Nathan was at her side in an instant, taking her hands in his own as he rocked them gently, "Breathe, Haley, breathe."
"I-I can't d-do this," she stuttered finally, shaking her head firmly, "I can't go back. Not after what I did."
"Haley," Nathan said strongly, looking her in the eye, "You can."
"It's been so long," she whispered hoarsely.
"And, it's time for you to face it."
She sniffled slightly before she rested her head on his shoulder, "Do you know what the last thing I said to him was?"
Nathan waited patiently for her to continue.
Haley closed her eyes tightly as the words slipped from her mouth. "I hate you." It was like poison, sliding out of her mouth like a venom that killed on contact. She bit her lower lip hard as she shook her head furiously, "I don't deserve to go there."
"Haley," Nathan said as he rubbed her back gently, "You don't hate him. He knows that."
"I don't deserve to go," she repeated again, her eyes sparkling with tears.
"Yes, you do. You deserve to go and you deserve to make your amends."
Haley leaned back slightly on the steps as she took in a deep sigh, "Do you think he's forgiven me?"
"There's nothing to forgive," Nathan replied honestly, "You did nothing wrong."
She laughed bitterly, "You don't know that."
"I do," he said surely, "And you do too."
Haley looked away from his gaze uncomfortably and they remained silent for a few moments before she finally nodded, whispering, "Let's go."
--
The car ride there was silent. The type of silence that hung in the air, saying nothing yet piercing everyone's ear drums with the noise. Haley leaned the side of her head against the window, her lips pursed together in a tight line. Her left hand fell against her seat cushion and soon, she felt a slight pressure on it. Snapping her eyes open, she saw Nathan's hand on top of hers, telling her all that he could not say.
A small smile crept onto her lips as she squeezed his hand, replying silently.
Haley stepped tenatively onto the grass, the soil soft yet firm under her feet. She leaned into Nathan's body as her hands clutched onto the bouquet of flowers. She looked up at the sky, her brown eyes taking in the sky above. The clouds were slowly forming together, blocking the sunshine from the view of those below.
The nervousness slowly crept up her throat before she pushed it back down quickly. She had to do this.
One step. Two steps. Three. Four.
Soon, she was at her destination. She looked down at the headstone, her brother's name etched in gold. Haley knelt down, her fingers tracing over the date, the name, and the small phrase dedicated just to him. The sadness swept over her, flooding her senses with pain as she pushed harder against the smooth stone. A choking sob escaped from her lips as the tears formed in her eyes, blinding her sight.
She felt Nathan move in the background though he did not touch her. He couldn't be here for her now. She had to do this alone.
Haley latched onto the stem of the flowers, looking down at the white caranations. A small laugh escaped her lips as she said, "You probably hate me for bringing you flowers. You hate carnations," she shrugged, "Too girly for you. At least they're not roses," she said softly, "I didn't know what else to get. I wasn't even thinking when I bought these." She shook her head as she squeezed her eyes shut tightly, the tears slipping down her cheeks. "I had to bring something though, it's formality, right? And, besides, it's also kind of an apology. I hope you're not mad. It was wrong of me to not come here more often," she looked away ashamed, "Or at all. Every time mom or dad wanted to come, they'd never ask me. They knew I knew. But, I wasn't ready yet." She cocked her head to the side, her voice getting softer, "You know? It didn't feel right." She scoffed at herself, "I know I'm making up excuses for my cowardness and I'm sorry for that."
She traced his name with her forefinger, whispering, "Do you still remember me? I still remember you. It's like you're burned into my memory. I remember the way you'd always eat the creme of the Oreo cookies or the way you'd steal my crackers from my lunchbox. Mom never gave you enough," she laughed lightly, "I remember your smile. You had a beautiful smile," Looking down, she sighed, "I remember the blue of your eyes and how they got darker whenever you were in deep thought or were really upset." A cold settled over her body as she whispered hoarsely, "That's the way they were when you left. After what I said," she added quickly, "I didn't mean it. I hope you know that." Haley sighed, "I could never hate you."
Swallowing hard, Haley looked back at Nathan, smiling when she saw the intensity in his eyes, "I met someone. I'm kind of glad you're not here to beat him up or threaten to kill him if he hurt me. I know he won't." Her shoulders dropped as she sighed, "He loves me. He thinks I just care for him but he's wrong. It's beyond that." She looked back at the headstone and smiled, "You know what that's like."
She brought her fingertips up to her lips as she kissed them softly, then placing her fingers on the stone, whispering, "I miss you." She put the flowers gently on the ground. She stood up and looked down at the grave once again before she turned around, wrapping her arm around Nathan's waist, leaning into his touch.
With a whispered 'thank you', the two walked back to the car as the clouds above parted, the sunshine pouring through the dimness of the past.