Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or anything that comes with it. Big, rich companies own it. I do not. So please, this is just me practicing my writing skills so that hopefully, one day I can get into college and be able to afford it.
This is just a story that I thought up when I was researching a certain type of disorder, called SAD. Be forewarned for a little angst, and I'm trying to get a message across with this story - especially for people who think they may have depression.
I'm toying with the idea of making this a multi-parter: different stories with different POVs. Please R&R (my email's at the bottom, or pm me); they will definitely play a part in swaying me to write more.
Winter Blues: Blue as the Lover
If you were in the Juuban area of Tokyo one December night - specifically, Christmas Eve - you would have seen the first snow of the year falling. It had been falling for quite some time; there was about four inches of snow already collected on the ground. You also would have seen the figure of a lone male walking slowly through the snow. He would have seemed out of place in the otherwise lifeless winter wonderland. He was unusually tall; his long, black trenchcoat barely reached his knees. As you watch his steps, he stumbled, grabbed his stomach, and fell in the snow. Of course, you would immediately get help, right?
Sadly, there was no one around when that happened to my fiancé. Now I'm sitting here, in the dark hospital room, next to him. He has pneumonia. He also has hypothermia and frostbite. And he has severe blood loss. When he was found that later night and taken to the hospital - the very one I'm sitting in - the doctors said he had cuts on his wrists. Maybe he tried suicide, they said. Thankfully he missed the main artery - by two millimeters. Two millimeters. Two millimeters saved my fiancé, my soulmate, my other half. Now a bag of blood, the blood of some complete stranger, is dripping into my prince. I wish I knew who's blood it was; I want to thank that person for giving up the blood that is keeping him alive.
I got here about an hour after he did. I've been here about an hour. Just looking at him. He looks like a little child. A lost, lonely little child. The tubes running into and out of him make him seem so small. He's so helpless like this; they say he can barely breathe on his own because of the pneumonia.
I've been awake all night. It is now nine a.m., Christmas Day. Wonderful Christmas, isn't it? I smile bitterly as I look at my fiancé, and look out the window. By now, Tokyo has been covered with a thick layer of snow. Usually, visitors aren't allowed to stay so long, but since Ami's mother works here, and my fiancé is serving his residency here and everyone knows him and me, they let me stay. They know how hard it is for me to be separated from him. My fiancé closest friend here, Tamasaki-san, is treating him. Mizuno-san is helping him when she has free time.
It is eleven a.m. now. The girls enter the room, one at a time. How are you feeling? Minako asks me. I laugh dryly. Me? Why does she want to know how I am feeling? She ought to ask that to Mamo-chan. Makoto hands me food, but I am not hungry. How can I think about eating when he is laying there, so vulnerable to anything? I smile weakly and thank her anyway. Ami walks in and immediately begins checking his vital signs. She is in her fourth year of college as a pre-med. Rei - her reaction surprises me most of all. She walks in, and, without saying a word, hugs me. She usually doesn't show emotion like that. She takes my hand, and presses a small box into it.
Makoto goes out, and returns with three more wrapped boxes, and a little pink-haired girl. These are from us, she says, indicating herself, Ami and Minako. I know you're probably not in the mood for presents, but we thought it just might help cheer you up.
Thank you guys, I say. I do not open the presents. Instead, I hug the little girl as she runs to me.
Kaa-san! she cries, as I envelope her in my arms.
Shhh, I tell her. Don't cry, Chibi-Usa, honey. It's OK, I'm here.
She's so sweet. She's like a ray of moonlight that just brightens up my day. She usually doesn't call me kaa-san, or Mamoru tou-san, but when she's scared or upset, she will. I think it just makes her feel safe. I like her calling me kaa-san, and I know Mamoru likes her calling him tou-san. We've waited over a millennia to have a child, and we are still waiting. I think we deserve our time with her, our future daughter.
Is tou-san going to be OK? What's wrong with him? she asks.
I don't know sweetie. But tou-san will be OK, don't you worry. He's just a little sick right now; he'll be OK as soon as the doctors make him all better, OK?
I know I shouldn't talk to her like that. She's ten years old - not a baby. But I can't help it; it just feels more right to be talking in that manner. Chibi-Usa doesn't seem to mind it too much. I think she wants me to speak this way, as though she's safer.
There's eight inches of snow out there, Minako informs me. It's stopped snowing, but the roads are just awful. She continues chattering. I tune her out. I know it's rude, but I cannot help it. I don't want to listen to her babble. Not here. Not today.
After awhile, they get ready to leave. Usagi-chan, you should go home, Ami says.
No. I need to be here. I need to be with him. He shouldn't have to be alone on Christmas day, I say.
And neither should you, Minako reasons. Your family needs you.
No. I will stay. My family has each other. He only has me, and Chibi-Usa.
I'll stay, kaa-san, my little sweetheart volunteers. I refuse; she needs to have fun on Christmas. After all, you're only ten once. So I shoo them all out. Once again, I am alone with Mamoru. Oh Mamo-chan, when will you awake?
It is now the twenty-sixth, two days after Mamoru's accident.
Yesterday, almost right after the inner senshi left, the outer senshi came to pay a visit. Michiru told me that Mamoru would be OK; her mirror had shown her his recovery. Haruka forced me to leave the hospital room for an hour. She took me for a drive around the now-white Tokyo. She said I needed the fresh air. Setsuna had come with several sketches of designs for the wedding clothes. She left it here for me to look over. They are very beautiful, but I cannot look at them anymore. At least, not until Mamo-chan wakes. Hotaru, like Rei, said nothing. She just hugged me, showing me that I had her support.
This afternoon, my family had come to visit. It is strange how accepting they are of Mamo-chan now. Before, okaa-san loved him. She always thought he was a wonderful person, and had a great dream and was a hard work. Otou-san though, was a different story. He thought Mamo-chan was too old for me. Now though, as we are both older, he is more accepting of the age difference. Shingo loves Mamoru. He's been calling Mamoru onii-san for a few years now. The two of them do everything together - go to car races, fishing, driving. Mamoru taught Shingo to drive, actually.
Someone is opening the door. I stand up, ready to greet whoever it is. Oh, it's just the nurse. What's that? The doctors want to question me? Have they not questioned me enough? Something else? All right, I'll come, but please, who will watch over him? I don't want him to wake up in a strange place and be alone. He won't wake up tonight? What if he does? Oh you know him? Right, I know he is a residents here… You're on the same shift? You're shift's almost over, but you will stay by him? Thank you ever so much.
I feel like an idiot, repeating everything she says. But I have spent nearly two days sitting by his bedside. I have gotten less than an hour of sleep, and I need to say things to comprehend what is being said.
The doctors were waiting for me right outside his room. Tsukino-san, please follow me, the short blond one says. He starts walking down the hall. Come on Usagi, Ami's mom says. She puts an arm around me, and we follow Tamasaki-san. We enter a small room. It has two sofas on either side, facing each other. Tamasaki-san sist on one sofa, Mizuno-san and I sit facing him. Mizuno-san has been so kind to me since I came here. She brought me food and clothes, and let me use the doctor's bathrooms because she felt they were cleaner and she didn't want me getting sick. Tamasaki-san has a clipboard in his hand; he questions me from it and takes notes of my answers on it.
Anything strange about Mamo-chan? My Mamo-chan? No, I don't recall him acting strange. He gets a little upset every December. It's sad really; his parents died on Christmas Eve. But that was years ago; why would it make a difference this year? Sleep problems? Well, yes, I suppose, but who can blame him? With all the excitement of Christmas, his residency, his school, what would you except? The poor man deserves to be tired.
I do not tell Tamasaki-san about the real reason I think Mamo-chan is always oversleeping. A new enemy of the senshi showed up last month. It is a difficult opponent; we have yet to meet anyone in charge of sending the youma. Whoever it is is rather smart; he or she has been sending three to five youma to different parts of Tokyo at the same time. So, the senshi are forced to split up to battle, sometimes one-on-one, sometimes two-on-one. Nonetheless, this is extremely trying on us, and it has taken its toll. Even Mamo-chan had to fight one-on-one quite a few times. There hasn't been any attacks in the past week though. It seems as though this enemy is giving us a break to spend Christmas with our families, without having to fight every night. So I cannot see how sleep would affect Mamo-chan's condition; he should have been getting plenty of it this week.
Hm, yes I have noticed that. He seems to feel endlessly guiltily, even for things beyond his control. A few years ago, he forgot my birthday, but for such a big thing, he seemed to feel guilty only until he got my a present and I forgave him. Last week, he forgot to bring cash to our meeting with the caterer for our wedding, so I paid. He was still apologizing on Christmas Eve, even though I had forgiven him time and again. Yes, I've noticed him losing hope. I think this month as just been a little rough on him. He got his first score below a ninety percent on a semester final this year. Yes, I encourage him; I think it helps a little, but he still seems a little down.
Once again, I leave out the battle. Mamo-chan actually would not stop apologizing for being unable to help all five inner senshi at once. We've told him time and again that it's not his fault, that he cannot be five places at once, but he is still overly upset about it. And he is losing faith in his abilities as Tuxedo Kamen. I sigh. He always gave us hope; I don't know how I'm surviving without his "flowery nonsense," as Haruka put it.
Eating? Sir, I eat more than he does. Then again, lately, yes I suppose. He has been eating a lot. What kinds of food? Well, just Christmas Eve, he had come over for dinner - he was heading home when he became unconscious - it seemed he really wanted sweets. I mean, I love chocolate and I eat a lot of it, but he seemed to really want sweet things. He had given me a box of chocolates when he came. He usually does, but he usually turns down the offer of any. That time, he actually took a few. And he usually barely tastes dessert, if he has any at all. That time, well, he had seconds. Sure, everyone had seconds - my mother's baking is very good - but it's quite rare for him to have more than a few bites.
How he's been treating me? Well, now that you mention it, he has sort of been avoiding me. I think he's been avoiding a lot of people lately. I think it's just the holidays. Like I said, his parents died on Christmas Eve. He's entitled to grieving for them around this time. Although, this year, he seemed to be more easily upset. He's yelled at me a couple of times; he's never yelled at me before. He doesn't seem to want to be near me as much as he used to. When we were first engaged, everyone complained about us being unable to separate. Recently, it seems as though he feels that being with me is a chore.
Physically? I blush. What do you mean, sir? Oh, that? No, he hasn't complained of any pains. No, I don't think he was sick before the twenty-fourth.
And that was it. Mizuno-san led me back to Mamo-chan's room. The nurse was sitting where I had been when we entered. I thanked her, and she and Mizuno-san left.
*Flashback*
"Usako, I'm so useless, I don't know how you ever put up with me," Mamoru said, as we leave the caterer's building.
I'm not mad at him. He just came from a final; I don't expect him to remember everything. "It's OK Mamo-chan," I tell him. "I forget things all the time too. Everyone does; it's only human. Besides, you can make it up to be by taking me out to lunch. I'm starved!" I smile at him happily. Our wedding meal is planned; all there is left to do for our wedding is get the clothes for the wedding party, which Setsuna said she will help with, and wait until spring.
"Sure, but let's drop by my place first, so I can pick up some money," he said. I was shocked at the tone in his voice; it sounded like he was going to cry.
"Mamo-chan? Hon, it's OK! I'm serious! Why are you so upset about something this small?" I ask, wrapping my arms around him.
"I - I don't know. I just feel so guilty…"
*End Flashback*
He was like that for the rest of the day. He wouldn't stop apologizing, and even up to Christmas Eve, he was still feeling guilty. I feel so useless. Why can't I explain to him that it was OK? I wish I were more like Minako - Mina, who could've convinced Adolf Hitler that everyone was created equal. If Mamoru had only been dating Mina, he wouldn't have been feeling so guilty this whole time. Minako - who could convince my brother in the Silver Millennium, Kevin, the most rulebook-following of Endymion's generals, to sneak visits to the Moon to visit her.
But it wasn't just that.
*Flashback*
I was freshening up in Mamoru's bathroom, after a hassling afternoon of signing invitations to the wedding. We were going out to dinner. I was looking for some moisturizer, when I came across his razor. It was bloody.
"Mamo-chan, what happened?" I asked him when I called him into the bathroom and showed him the razor.
"Oh, that's old," he said, tossing it into the garbage can. "I cut myself shaving last week."
*End Flashback*
The last time he cut himself shaving was a year ago. Since then, I have never seen him with any cuts on his face. He had been wearing a long-sleeved shirt that day. Now I realize what he had been doing. I should have realized it sooner. I hate myself. I hate how naïve and gullible I am. If I had been smarter, if I had just thought a little more about the blood, if I had been more observant about his clothes, if I had thought about his care in not cutting himself… this could have been prevented.
If only I were more like Ami-chan. Ami would have immediately called his bluff. Ami would have been able to see that the amount of blood on the razor was much more than a slip of the hand would have drawn from the face, and would have demanded to see his wrists. I can't believe I was so stupid; I'm not worth Mamoru's love.
*Flashback*
"Tuxedo Kamen! Are you OK?" I cried, as I watch him fall from his perch on a tree. An evil laugh came from behind me.
"Sailor Moon watch out!" the senshi cry, as Sailor Venus loops her Love-Me Chain around my waist and pulls me away from the youma's attack.
"Mars Snake Fire!"
"Jupiter Coconut Cyclone!"
The two attacks slammed into the youma on opposite sides. I waited, almost out of habit, for Tuxedo Kamen's "Now Sailor Moon!", but it never came. Instead, Sailor Mercury cried out, "Sailor Moon! For the love of Selenity finish him off!"
"Rainbow Moon Heartache!" The youma was dust, but I ran to Tuxedo Kamen's side. He was asleep.
*End Flashback*
He wouldn't stop apologizing for that either. I was really worried about him. I kept wondering why he didn't take better care of himself. I assumed it was just because of his residency; I mean, he'd been working thirty-six hour shifts; he deserves to be tired, ne?
I sigh. I'm just making excuses for my negligence. I should have noticed it sooner. How dumb am I? We usually aren't that tired, even if we pull all-nighters. I want to hit myself. Why didn't I worry more about Mamo-chan? He is always so caring of me, why don't I return his care? Maybe Mamo-chan would have been better off with Rei-chan. She would have taken good care of him. She would not have allowed the Christmas season and the upcoming wedding blind her to the physical state Mamoru was in.
*Flashback*
"Wow, Mamo-chan, your apartment is starting to look like my room!" I exclaimed as I carefully picked my way to the sofa from the door, stepping over clothes and books littered haphazardly on the ground.
"Yea, I've just been really busy at the hospital and studying for finals and planning for the wedding," Mamoru smiled sheepishly, looking at all the dirty dishes and clothes littering his living room. "Maybe we should work in the bedroom today."
*End Flashback*
That's ENOUGH! *PLEASE!* No more flashbacks; I can't take it anymore! I grab my head, falling to my knees, kneeling at Mamo-chans' bedside. I'm not worthy of him, I know it. I should have noticed something wrong then, too. Mamo-chan is a neat freak; even when he's exhausted, he can't sleep unless his apartment is spotless. If only I was as keen as Makoto on these domestic issues. She would've seen that Mamoru was going through something more than mere sleep deprivation.
PLEASE NO MORE FLASHBACKS!!
I start whispering. I'm sorry Mamo-chan, so sorry. I can't believe I've taken up so much of your time. I don't know why you stay with me, why you put up with me. I'm not worthy of your love. So much had been happening that should have given me some indication that something was wrong. You gave so many cries for help, cries that a smart, observant, caring fiancée would have noticed right away. I'm sorry Mamo-chan, so sorry.
It's New Year's Eve. Mamo-chan woke today. It's been a week since he entered the hospital. The doctors know what is wrong with him. He has SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder. Ami brought me some books she found on SAD in the library.
SAD begins appearing in late September and ends in early April, peaking in the darkest days of winter. Well, that would be the time around December 21 - the winter solstice. It is different from depression, in that much of its symptoms are direct opposite. Cases of SAD increase proportionally with distance from the equator, unless there is snow. Only fifteen to twenty-five percent of those with SAD are men, but Mamo-chan appears to be one of those unfortunates. Thankfully, there is a treatment. Tamasaki-san plans on getting Mamo-chan settled into the routine as soon as he recovers from his illnesses. SAD is supposedly related to a hormone imbalance due to a lack of bright light, natural light. Light in buildings is only one-fifth that intensity. So Tamasaki-san is going to get Mamoru a special lamp, one that is at the intensity he needs.
I can't believe I was such an idiot that I didn't see any of those signs. As soon as he gets well, I'm going to break the engagement. Destined or not, I'm not worthy of him. Any of the other girls would be better suited to being with him. Ami could take care of him, mentally and physically. Rei could take care of him spiritually. Makoto is the perfect housewife; he needs someone like her, who can take care of him when he's tired and sick. Minako, who is currently studying to be a nurse, could take care of him better than me. She would also fuss over him and love him, if she wanted to. Any of them would be a better match than me. All I do is waste his time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, hate it? Love it? Want more? C&C! Email! (lady_of_light00@hotmail.com)
Oh, and Usagi's thoughts about Minako and Kevin is a story I borrowed from my other fic, Soulmates in Silver.
The point of this fic is to encourage people who think someone they know, be it themselves or an acquaintance, is suffering from depression or other psychological disorders to seek help. It can affect other people, too - more than you think.
Lady of Light
1/03
This is just a story that I thought up when I was researching a certain type of disorder, called SAD. Be forewarned for a little angst, and I'm trying to get a message across with this story - especially for people who think they may have depression.
I'm toying with the idea of making this a multi-parter: different stories with different POVs. Please R&R (my email's at the bottom, or pm me); they will definitely play a part in swaying me to write more.
Winter Blues: Blue as the Lover
If you were in the Juuban area of Tokyo one December night - specifically, Christmas Eve - you would have seen the first snow of the year falling. It had been falling for quite some time; there was about four inches of snow already collected on the ground. You also would have seen the figure of a lone male walking slowly through the snow. He would have seemed out of place in the otherwise lifeless winter wonderland. He was unusually tall; his long, black trenchcoat barely reached his knees. As you watch his steps, he stumbled, grabbed his stomach, and fell in the snow. Of course, you would immediately get help, right?
Sadly, there was no one around when that happened to my fiancé. Now I'm sitting here, in the dark hospital room, next to him. He has pneumonia. He also has hypothermia and frostbite. And he has severe blood loss. When he was found that later night and taken to the hospital - the very one I'm sitting in - the doctors said he had cuts on his wrists. Maybe he tried suicide, they said. Thankfully he missed the main artery - by two millimeters. Two millimeters. Two millimeters saved my fiancé, my soulmate, my other half. Now a bag of blood, the blood of some complete stranger, is dripping into my prince. I wish I knew who's blood it was; I want to thank that person for giving up the blood that is keeping him alive.
I got here about an hour after he did. I've been here about an hour. Just looking at him. He looks like a little child. A lost, lonely little child. The tubes running into and out of him make him seem so small. He's so helpless like this; they say he can barely breathe on his own because of the pneumonia.
I've been awake all night. It is now nine a.m., Christmas Day. Wonderful Christmas, isn't it? I smile bitterly as I look at my fiancé, and look out the window. By now, Tokyo has been covered with a thick layer of snow. Usually, visitors aren't allowed to stay so long, but since Ami's mother works here, and my fiancé is serving his residency here and everyone knows him and me, they let me stay. They know how hard it is for me to be separated from him. My fiancé closest friend here, Tamasaki-san, is treating him. Mizuno-san is helping him when she has free time.
It is eleven a.m. now. The girls enter the room, one at a time. How are you feeling? Minako asks me. I laugh dryly. Me? Why does she want to know how I am feeling? She ought to ask that to Mamo-chan. Makoto hands me food, but I am not hungry. How can I think about eating when he is laying there, so vulnerable to anything? I smile weakly and thank her anyway. Ami walks in and immediately begins checking his vital signs. She is in her fourth year of college as a pre-med. Rei - her reaction surprises me most of all. She walks in, and, without saying a word, hugs me. She usually doesn't show emotion like that. She takes my hand, and presses a small box into it.
Makoto goes out, and returns with three more wrapped boxes, and a little pink-haired girl. These are from us, she says, indicating herself, Ami and Minako. I know you're probably not in the mood for presents, but we thought it just might help cheer you up.
Thank you guys, I say. I do not open the presents. Instead, I hug the little girl as she runs to me.
Kaa-san! she cries, as I envelope her in my arms.
Shhh, I tell her. Don't cry, Chibi-Usa, honey. It's OK, I'm here.
She's so sweet. She's like a ray of moonlight that just brightens up my day. She usually doesn't call me kaa-san, or Mamoru tou-san, but when she's scared or upset, she will. I think it just makes her feel safe. I like her calling me kaa-san, and I know Mamoru likes her calling him tou-san. We've waited over a millennia to have a child, and we are still waiting. I think we deserve our time with her, our future daughter.
Is tou-san going to be OK? What's wrong with him? she asks.
I don't know sweetie. But tou-san will be OK, don't you worry. He's just a little sick right now; he'll be OK as soon as the doctors make him all better, OK?
I know I shouldn't talk to her like that. She's ten years old - not a baby. But I can't help it; it just feels more right to be talking in that manner. Chibi-Usa doesn't seem to mind it too much. I think she wants me to speak this way, as though she's safer.
There's eight inches of snow out there, Minako informs me. It's stopped snowing, but the roads are just awful. She continues chattering. I tune her out. I know it's rude, but I cannot help it. I don't want to listen to her babble. Not here. Not today.
After awhile, they get ready to leave. Usagi-chan, you should go home, Ami says.
No. I need to be here. I need to be with him. He shouldn't have to be alone on Christmas day, I say.
And neither should you, Minako reasons. Your family needs you.
No. I will stay. My family has each other. He only has me, and Chibi-Usa.
I'll stay, kaa-san, my little sweetheart volunteers. I refuse; she needs to have fun on Christmas. After all, you're only ten once. So I shoo them all out. Once again, I am alone with Mamoru. Oh Mamo-chan, when will you awake?
It is now the twenty-sixth, two days after Mamoru's accident.
Yesterday, almost right after the inner senshi left, the outer senshi came to pay a visit. Michiru told me that Mamoru would be OK; her mirror had shown her his recovery. Haruka forced me to leave the hospital room for an hour. She took me for a drive around the now-white Tokyo. She said I needed the fresh air. Setsuna had come with several sketches of designs for the wedding clothes. She left it here for me to look over. They are very beautiful, but I cannot look at them anymore. At least, not until Mamo-chan wakes. Hotaru, like Rei, said nothing. She just hugged me, showing me that I had her support.
This afternoon, my family had come to visit. It is strange how accepting they are of Mamo-chan now. Before, okaa-san loved him. She always thought he was a wonderful person, and had a great dream and was a hard work. Otou-san though, was a different story. He thought Mamo-chan was too old for me. Now though, as we are both older, he is more accepting of the age difference. Shingo loves Mamoru. He's been calling Mamoru onii-san for a few years now. The two of them do everything together - go to car races, fishing, driving. Mamoru taught Shingo to drive, actually.
Someone is opening the door. I stand up, ready to greet whoever it is. Oh, it's just the nurse. What's that? The doctors want to question me? Have they not questioned me enough? Something else? All right, I'll come, but please, who will watch over him? I don't want him to wake up in a strange place and be alone. He won't wake up tonight? What if he does? Oh you know him? Right, I know he is a residents here… You're on the same shift? You're shift's almost over, but you will stay by him? Thank you ever so much.
I feel like an idiot, repeating everything she says. But I have spent nearly two days sitting by his bedside. I have gotten less than an hour of sleep, and I need to say things to comprehend what is being said.
The doctors were waiting for me right outside his room. Tsukino-san, please follow me, the short blond one says. He starts walking down the hall. Come on Usagi, Ami's mom says. She puts an arm around me, and we follow Tamasaki-san. We enter a small room. It has two sofas on either side, facing each other. Tamasaki-san sist on one sofa, Mizuno-san and I sit facing him. Mizuno-san has been so kind to me since I came here. She brought me food and clothes, and let me use the doctor's bathrooms because she felt they were cleaner and she didn't want me getting sick. Tamasaki-san has a clipboard in his hand; he questions me from it and takes notes of my answers on it.
Anything strange about Mamo-chan? My Mamo-chan? No, I don't recall him acting strange. He gets a little upset every December. It's sad really; his parents died on Christmas Eve. But that was years ago; why would it make a difference this year? Sleep problems? Well, yes, I suppose, but who can blame him? With all the excitement of Christmas, his residency, his school, what would you except? The poor man deserves to be tired.
I do not tell Tamasaki-san about the real reason I think Mamo-chan is always oversleeping. A new enemy of the senshi showed up last month. It is a difficult opponent; we have yet to meet anyone in charge of sending the youma. Whoever it is is rather smart; he or she has been sending three to five youma to different parts of Tokyo at the same time. So, the senshi are forced to split up to battle, sometimes one-on-one, sometimes two-on-one. Nonetheless, this is extremely trying on us, and it has taken its toll. Even Mamo-chan had to fight one-on-one quite a few times. There hasn't been any attacks in the past week though. It seems as though this enemy is giving us a break to spend Christmas with our families, without having to fight every night. So I cannot see how sleep would affect Mamo-chan's condition; he should have been getting plenty of it this week.
Hm, yes I have noticed that. He seems to feel endlessly guiltily, even for things beyond his control. A few years ago, he forgot my birthday, but for such a big thing, he seemed to feel guilty only until he got my a present and I forgave him. Last week, he forgot to bring cash to our meeting with the caterer for our wedding, so I paid. He was still apologizing on Christmas Eve, even though I had forgiven him time and again. Yes, I've noticed him losing hope. I think this month as just been a little rough on him. He got his first score below a ninety percent on a semester final this year. Yes, I encourage him; I think it helps a little, but he still seems a little down.
Once again, I leave out the battle. Mamo-chan actually would not stop apologizing for being unable to help all five inner senshi at once. We've told him time and again that it's not his fault, that he cannot be five places at once, but he is still overly upset about it. And he is losing faith in his abilities as Tuxedo Kamen. I sigh. He always gave us hope; I don't know how I'm surviving without his "flowery nonsense," as Haruka put it.
Eating? Sir, I eat more than he does. Then again, lately, yes I suppose. He has been eating a lot. What kinds of food? Well, just Christmas Eve, he had come over for dinner - he was heading home when he became unconscious - it seemed he really wanted sweets. I mean, I love chocolate and I eat a lot of it, but he seemed to really want sweet things. He had given me a box of chocolates when he came. He usually does, but he usually turns down the offer of any. That time, he actually took a few. And he usually barely tastes dessert, if he has any at all. That time, well, he had seconds. Sure, everyone had seconds - my mother's baking is very good - but it's quite rare for him to have more than a few bites.
How he's been treating me? Well, now that you mention it, he has sort of been avoiding me. I think he's been avoiding a lot of people lately. I think it's just the holidays. Like I said, his parents died on Christmas Eve. He's entitled to grieving for them around this time. Although, this year, he seemed to be more easily upset. He's yelled at me a couple of times; he's never yelled at me before. He doesn't seem to want to be near me as much as he used to. When we were first engaged, everyone complained about us being unable to separate. Recently, it seems as though he feels that being with me is a chore.
Physically? I blush. What do you mean, sir? Oh, that? No, he hasn't complained of any pains. No, I don't think he was sick before the twenty-fourth.
And that was it. Mizuno-san led me back to Mamo-chan's room. The nurse was sitting where I had been when we entered. I thanked her, and she and Mizuno-san left.
*Flashback*
"Usako, I'm so useless, I don't know how you ever put up with me," Mamoru said, as we leave the caterer's building.
I'm not mad at him. He just came from a final; I don't expect him to remember everything. "It's OK Mamo-chan," I tell him. "I forget things all the time too. Everyone does; it's only human. Besides, you can make it up to be by taking me out to lunch. I'm starved!" I smile at him happily. Our wedding meal is planned; all there is left to do for our wedding is get the clothes for the wedding party, which Setsuna said she will help with, and wait until spring.
"Sure, but let's drop by my place first, so I can pick up some money," he said. I was shocked at the tone in his voice; it sounded like he was going to cry.
"Mamo-chan? Hon, it's OK! I'm serious! Why are you so upset about something this small?" I ask, wrapping my arms around him.
"I - I don't know. I just feel so guilty…"
*End Flashback*
He was like that for the rest of the day. He wouldn't stop apologizing, and even up to Christmas Eve, he was still feeling guilty. I feel so useless. Why can't I explain to him that it was OK? I wish I were more like Minako - Mina, who could've convinced Adolf Hitler that everyone was created equal. If Mamoru had only been dating Mina, he wouldn't have been feeling so guilty this whole time. Minako - who could convince my brother in the Silver Millennium, Kevin, the most rulebook-following of Endymion's generals, to sneak visits to the Moon to visit her.
But it wasn't just that.
*Flashback*
I was freshening up in Mamoru's bathroom, after a hassling afternoon of signing invitations to the wedding. We were going out to dinner. I was looking for some moisturizer, when I came across his razor. It was bloody.
"Mamo-chan, what happened?" I asked him when I called him into the bathroom and showed him the razor.
"Oh, that's old," he said, tossing it into the garbage can. "I cut myself shaving last week."
*End Flashback*
The last time he cut himself shaving was a year ago. Since then, I have never seen him with any cuts on his face. He had been wearing a long-sleeved shirt that day. Now I realize what he had been doing. I should have realized it sooner. I hate myself. I hate how naïve and gullible I am. If I had been smarter, if I had just thought a little more about the blood, if I had been more observant about his clothes, if I had thought about his care in not cutting himself… this could have been prevented.
If only I were more like Ami-chan. Ami would have immediately called his bluff. Ami would have been able to see that the amount of blood on the razor was much more than a slip of the hand would have drawn from the face, and would have demanded to see his wrists. I can't believe I was so stupid; I'm not worth Mamoru's love.
*Flashback*
"Tuxedo Kamen! Are you OK?" I cried, as I watch him fall from his perch on a tree. An evil laugh came from behind me.
"Sailor Moon watch out!" the senshi cry, as Sailor Venus loops her Love-Me Chain around my waist and pulls me away from the youma's attack.
"Mars Snake Fire!"
"Jupiter Coconut Cyclone!"
The two attacks slammed into the youma on opposite sides. I waited, almost out of habit, for Tuxedo Kamen's "Now Sailor Moon!", but it never came. Instead, Sailor Mercury cried out, "Sailor Moon! For the love of Selenity finish him off!"
"Rainbow Moon Heartache!" The youma was dust, but I ran to Tuxedo Kamen's side. He was asleep.
*End Flashback*
He wouldn't stop apologizing for that either. I was really worried about him. I kept wondering why he didn't take better care of himself. I assumed it was just because of his residency; I mean, he'd been working thirty-six hour shifts; he deserves to be tired, ne?
I sigh. I'm just making excuses for my negligence. I should have noticed it sooner. How dumb am I? We usually aren't that tired, even if we pull all-nighters. I want to hit myself. Why didn't I worry more about Mamo-chan? He is always so caring of me, why don't I return his care? Maybe Mamo-chan would have been better off with Rei-chan. She would have taken good care of him. She would not have allowed the Christmas season and the upcoming wedding blind her to the physical state Mamoru was in.
*Flashback*
"Wow, Mamo-chan, your apartment is starting to look like my room!" I exclaimed as I carefully picked my way to the sofa from the door, stepping over clothes and books littered haphazardly on the ground.
"Yea, I've just been really busy at the hospital and studying for finals and planning for the wedding," Mamoru smiled sheepishly, looking at all the dirty dishes and clothes littering his living room. "Maybe we should work in the bedroom today."
*End Flashback*
That's ENOUGH! *PLEASE!* No more flashbacks; I can't take it anymore! I grab my head, falling to my knees, kneeling at Mamo-chans' bedside. I'm not worthy of him, I know it. I should have noticed something wrong then, too. Mamo-chan is a neat freak; even when he's exhausted, he can't sleep unless his apartment is spotless. If only I was as keen as Makoto on these domestic issues. She would've seen that Mamoru was going through something more than mere sleep deprivation.
PLEASE NO MORE FLASHBACKS!!
I start whispering. I'm sorry Mamo-chan, so sorry. I can't believe I've taken up so much of your time. I don't know why you stay with me, why you put up with me. I'm not worthy of your love. So much had been happening that should have given me some indication that something was wrong. You gave so many cries for help, cries that a smart, observant, caring fiancée would have noticed right away. I'm sorry Mamo-chan, so sorry.
It's New Year's Eve. Mamo-chan woke today. It's been a week since he entered the hospital. The doctors know what is wrong with him. He has SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder. Ami brought me some books she found on SAD in the library.
SAD begins appearing in late September and ends in early April, peaking in the darkest days of winter. Well, that would be the time around December 21 - the winter solstice. It is different from depression, in that much of its symptoms are direct opposite. Cases of SAD increase proportionally with distance from the equator, unless there is snow. Only fifteen to twenty-five percent of those with SAD are men, but Mamo-chan appears to be one of those unfortunates. Thankfully, there is a treatment. Tamasaki-san plans on getting Mamo-chan settled into the routine as soon as he recovers from his illnesses. SAD is supposedly related to a hormone imbalance due to a lack of bright light, natural light. Light in buildings is only one-fifth that intensity. So Tamasaki-san is going to get Mamoru a special lamp, one that is at the intensity he needs.
I can't believe I was such an idiot that I didn't see any of those signs. As soon as he gets well, I'm going to break the engagement. Destined or not, I'm not worthy of him. Any of the other girls would be better suited to being with him. Ami could take care of him, mentally and physically. Rei could take care of him spiritually. Makoto is the perfect housewife; he needs someone like her, who can take care of him when he's tired and sick. Minako, who is currently studying to be a nurse, could take care of him better than me. She would also fuss over him and love him, if she wanted to. Any of them would be a better match than me. All I do is waste his time.
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So, hate it? Love it? Want more? C&C! Email! (lady_of_light00@hotmail.com)
Oh, and Usagi's thoughts about Minako and Kevin is a story I borrowed from my other fic, Soulmates in Silver.
The point of this fic is to encourage people who think someone they know, be it themselves or an acquaintance, is suffering from depression or other psychological disorders to seek help. It can affect other people, too - more than you think.
Lady of Light
1/03