With a groan, Buffy and Willow exited the basement. Trudging around, they finally came to Xander and Robin and sat down beside them, picking up books to research. Buffy audibly groaned as she flipped through the pages of the huge demon text.
"That bad huh?" Xander asked.
Buffy nodded.
"No great portents or cryptic phrases. She just basically told me to do what I was planning on doing from the start." Buffy groaned.
"She threw self doubt at me AGAIN! I wish people would stop doing that already. I moved on!" Willow pouted, "It could have only been worse if the Cheese Man was there."
Robin sat back and arched an eyebrow and looked to Xander.
"Cheese Man?" he asked.
"You do NOT want to know." Was Xander's short but sweet reply.
"Well I think I-"
"YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!" Buffy jumped in again.
"Point taken." Robin said.
Willow still sat there pouting.
"I'm not a nerd anymore." Willow said laying her head in her arms.
Xander walked over and put an arm around her.
"We know Wills. I'm the only nerd in this group now and so help me don't ever tell Spike I admitted that." Xander said.
"You really mean that?" Willow asked.
"Of course I do. And I know something that'll turn that frown upside down." Xander said pulling her to her feet.
"What's that?" Willow asked.
"Well, the upstairs shower is on and we heard two girls getting in." Xander smirked.
Willow's frown slowly transformed into a grin. Then a smile. Then a Joker-sized smile.
"There's my little Sapphic sweetie. Now go on up, but remember to give me full details later. We're still best friends after all." Xander smiled.
Willow turned to Buffy.
"You think I should? I mean you might need me for research and stuff." Willow said.
"Sure Willow, we'll be-"
The wind from Willow's departure would have knocked Xander over and everyone else out of their chairs had this been a cartoon. But of course, it's not. Right? RIGHT?!
"Well, that was quick." Robin noted.
"Sort of makes me worry that we put too much emphasis on sex." Buffy added before her eyes widened, "Oh my God! Lesbian three-way in my shower!"
"Let 'em have their fun. Tara almost got her head taken off last night." Xander replied.
"You just want to visualize it." Buffy retorted.
"True, so I'd appreciate it if you stop being a buzzkill." Xander smiled.
"Great, now we need to read through all of this by ourselves. Where's Spike? For such a hyper guy he sure likes to read books a lot. Must be his soul." Buffy asked.
"Spike is…Spike's out right now." Xander replied.
A vampire flew into the wall of the bar. A scaly demon with long wolf-like ears and sharp teeth flew along beside him. Yet another demon crashed into the two of them. They had just made a fatal mistake. They had just insulted William the Bloody, more commonly known by the name he garnered when he tortured his past victims with railroad spikes: Spike.
"What do I have to say to get it THROUGH to you bloody people? I AM NOT THE SLAYER'S LAPDOG!" Spike roared loudly snapping a pool cue.
The wolf-eared demon stood, "Yeah? Prove it. Stop killing our kind. I told you that before Spike, but you didn't listen."
Spike looked at him.
"Yeah, I remember you now. God, why do I keep running into people like this? Hit me when I turned around on a barstool few years back. Real bleedin' cowardly mate." Spike growled.
"Maybe. Maybe I just didn't think someone who was the Slayer's bitch deserved a fair fight. You fight at her side, you kill our kind, and now I hear that you SLEEP with her? You're pathetic Spike." The demon growled.
"Am I?" Spike said inching closer.
"Yeah. You come in here and try to act like you're still the Big Bad in this town. But you're not. You went soft and started getting on your knees for the Slayer. Bacchus is going to take her down. He's going to wipe her from the face of the earth and give the Hellmouth back to the demons. All traitors are going to die with her too." The demon growled, "Demon murderers included."
"Murderer, am I?" Spike chuckled, "Maybe I am. Maybe I am. Done quite a few people in my time. Done more than a few demons even when I was minus the chip. Yeah, I am a murderer. But you know what I'm not mate?"
"Male?" the demon laughed.
Spike chuckled too, until he jammed the broken pools cues into the eyes of the demon making it scream and howl in pain. Spike then repeatedly kneed it in the groin before turning it about with an evil smirk on his face.
"Soft." He whispered into its ears as he snapped its neck.
"Now then, anyone else want to say that Spike is the Slayer's bitch? Hmmm? Come on. Step on up. I promise I'll be gentle. Course I'm lying through my fangs, but whatever. I'll tear anyone who wants some to pieces." Spike growled.
Then he heard it. A voice. A voice that to this day made him shudder in disgust and made him want to run out into the sunlight and just let himself be consumed in flame. THE voice.
"Oh Boo Boo." Harmony said, giddy as she ran and leapt into Spike's arms.
Spike's face went through a myriad of emotions. There was shock of course. It was followed by disgust. Then anger. Then he figured it wasn't so bad, sexy blonde rubbing up against him and all. Then guilt because he was enjoying a woman other than Buffy on him. God how he hated guilt. Then disgust again because it was Harmony. The anger again because she had called him Boo Boo thereby negating his toughness to the demon crowd. Finally there was acceptance. Grave, grave acceptance.
"Harm." Spike said in mild annoyance.
"Oh Spikey, it's so good to see that you're all evil and ass kicking again." Harmony said as she squeezed him tight, "And that you're over the Slayer and everything."
Spike arched an eyebrow at the young vampire with her head on his shoulder. He wondered how much of the conversation she had actually caught or if she was just bleeding stupid. Or possibly both.
"Harm, what are you doing?" Spike asked.
"Hugging you, Blondie Bear." Harmony said, eliciting more snickers from the demons.
"In town, Harm. What are you doing in town?" Spike replied, trying to maintain his composure.
"Oh." Harmony said releasing Spike from the death grip, "Well, I thought maybe it was time to come back Sunnydale and establish my domin…domin….power. Yeah."
"I see. You're going to be the new Big Bad in town I see." Spike almost laughed.
"Well, yeah. Of course if you're already the Big Bad…well maybe we can work out an arrangement." Harmony said, licking her lips and fluttering her eyelids.
" 'Fraid not, luv. I don't play that game anymore." Spike said, folding his arms.
"You're gay now?" Harmony asked.
Spike rolled his eyes.
"EVIL Harm. I'm not EVIL." Spike sighed.
"Uh, Hello? You're a vampire. You're evil." Harmony replied, "You're still in your Slayer obsession phase aren't you?"
"Nope. Just sharing her bed." Spike smirked, hoping to possibly provoke Harmony so he could stake her.
Harmony just laughed. Not the reaction Spike wanted.
"Oh yeah…like the Slayer would sleep with you!" Harmony laughed loudly, "You're an evil, soulless, monster. She would never sleep with you like that!"
"Well actually…" Spike began before being cut off by more laughter.
"I mean the only way that she'd even touch you is if you had a soul like that Angel guy." Harmony laughed some more.
Spike sighed for the millionth time and looked to the ceiling as if to ask why me God?
"Harm. Think REALLY hard about what you just said." Spike said, putting his hand to his face.
Harmony laughed some more. Then gradually it lessened. Then she frowned.
"Oh my God! You have a soul!" Harmony said, disgusted, trying to rub off where she had touched Spike as if to rid herself of the soul cooties.
"On the nose." Spike finally laughed.
"It's on your nose?!" Harmony gasped.
"…Harm, tell me why the hell I ever slept with you." Spike started, "I mean how can anyone be so bloody stupid?"
"Well Spikey, I don't think you slept with me because of my brains. I think it was these." Harmony said puffing out her chest, "AND SHUT UP! I am so smart! Why I had my run of Mexico! I had a reputation down there!"
Harmony said that with loads of conviction. And to some extent it was true. She did have quite the reputation in Mexico. Of course it was less the reputation of someone being a powerful master vampire and more the reputation that she was, admittedly, the best new vampire stripper at the renovated Titty Twister. But she would keep that her little secret for now.
"Yes Harm. You're bad. I remember the time that you cried trying to open that jar of pickles we had at the crypt." Spike laughed.
"IT WAS ON TIGHT!" Harmony defended.
"And you're a vampire. Super strength comes with the package."
"…SHUT UP!" Harmony screeched, "And I am so evil and powerful! MINION! GET IN HERE!"
Spike smirked half expecting some guy she had known in high school or some himbo that looked like Kato Kaelin to walk in. However, he was genuinely surprised when the Predator walked in from the back room's entrance from the sewers, eyeing the demons. Harmony folded her arms and smiled. The Predator walked up beside her and looked at Spike, then at her.
"Get him." Harmony ordered.
The Predator just stood there and warbled its cicada cry.
"Well what are you waiting for?!" Harmony asked.
Now how was a superior Hunt Master supposed to explain to some unworthy idiot that her kind were not worthy of being fought by him? The Predator merely swatted her in the back of the head in a demeaning manner.
"SLAY-ER!" the Predator roared.
Any amusement Spike got from the situation instantly disappeared. That thing was deadset on his girl. Between this thing and Bacchus, Buffy didn't look to be having a good time. So Spike did the most logical thing he could think of. He punched the Predator.
The Predator backed up a step or two. Then it did the most logical thing it could think of. It grabbed Spike by the top of the head and threw him backwards into the wall. Then it pulled out Slay-Er's weapon and prepared to throw it with all the skill it could muster. It intended to go for the heart.
Suddenly, the stake fell out of the Predator's hand. It warbled and looked around as it held its now smoking appendage. It saw K standing in the doorway to the back room.
"This a private party or can anyone join in?" K asked.
Spike raised an eyebrow at the newcomer.
"Not that I'm ungrateful mate, but who the hell are you?" Spike asked.
"Health inspector, division six. And looks like we got a shitload of violations here." K stated.
The Predator warbled and trained his plasma cannon on K. Harmony was instantly at her "partner's" side.
"Kick his ass minion!" Harmony shouted.
It looked at her.
"Please?" she asked, terrified.
The Predator's attention returned to K.
"Don't make me open fire in here amongst all of these…people." K said looking at the demon patrons, "You may as well just give it up Skippy, because you're going down hard for all the treaties you've broken. You fire on me again though, and I got a head shot with your name on it."
"He doesn't speak English you dope." Harmony growled, "Well except maybe for a few syllables and words like "Slayer" or maybe Prada, which I haven't heard exactly yet, but I'm sure he can say—"
The Predator backhanded her over the bar.
"Thank you." Both Spike and K said.
The Predator seemed to shrug and then fired on K. K sidestepped and fired his own weapon. In the blink of an eye, the Predator's staff was extended and had deflected the shots damaging points around the bar. The Predator smiled under its helmet and was quickly closing the distance between K and himself, occasionally knocking a demon into the shots K made. The Predator waded closely and once in range swung the base of his spear, knocking K's weapon from his hands, before turning the bladed end to K's neck.
K smiled and another de-atomizer popped from his sleeve and he fired at close range, hoping to immobilize his quarry. However, the Predator quickly sidestepped the shot and swung the base of his staff around hitting K in the small of his back, throwing him forward like a rocket. The Predator had little time to gloat as Spike leap-frogged the flying Man in Black and put his legs out in front of him to deliver a powerful kick that made the Predator stumble back onto and over a table, collapsing it as he went. Spike smiled and stood.
"That's right Nancy, you're dealing with the Big Ba—OH BOLLOCKS!" Spike said turning and flipping over the bar as twin razor disks flew behind him, intent to take off his head. Had he realized what terrible fate awaited him behind the bar he would have accepted death.
"You jerk!" Harmony said slapping him, "You went and made him mad and prov...prov…. pissed him off!"
"Harm, I'm trying to be really nice here, so please if you would STOP HITTING ME I'd be exceedingly grateful!" Spike roared.
"No! I liked you better when you were evil and mean and at least treated me nicely! I wish you were still evil so you could just lead that big lug to the Slayer and we could have sex." Harmony pouted as she slapped him again.
"You're bleedin' insane woman. I never treated you nicely." Spike replied blocking her hand.
"Oh yeah…YOU JERK!" Harmony yelled going to slap him again.
Harmony went flying over the bar again and crashed into the floor in a heap.
"Stupid bint." Spike mouthed.
K rolled, grabbing his twin de-atomizers as razor disks and plasma fire struggled to pin him down. He leapt into the air and fired two shots. The Predator deflected one, while another hit its arm. It roared in pain as demons fled the bar and K slammed down next to Spike.
"Hey there chief. You seem like a guy who knows what he's doing and I need help. You ever use one of these before?" K asked, handing Spike a De-Atomizer.
"Nope, but I gather you point and squeeze." Spike said taking it.
"Smart kid." K said.
"Old enough to be your great grandpa you wanker." Spike sighed in frustration.
"Ah. Vampire?"
"Yep."
"That's the best news I've heard all day. You move that way." K waved to one side of the bar, "I'll go this way. On three we come up and shoot at it at once."
"Right." Spike nodded as he began to crawl to one end of the bar. His hearing could pick up the sound of the Predator warbling on the other side.
He looked to K, who raised a hand.
"One…" K mouthed, "Two…"
Spike stood and quickly fired, damaging the Predator's helmet badly. The alien hunter stumbled back roaring in pain, temporaily blinded. K sighed and stood, managing to nail the Predator's shoulder cannon, which exploded with a bright flash.
"You're supposed to wait until three." K said.
"I'm impatient. Sue me." Spike replied, firing on the Predator again, hitting it dead center. K joined him and fluorescent blood exploded from the chest of the alien as it slammed into a wooden wall, leaving an indention.
It was blind in the water and knew it couldn't take much more. Still, it refused to back away from defeat. It tried to stride forward and was merely met with more blasts. The Predator grew weary and struggled to maintain it's footing, the staff held like a walking stick. The creature's sight was dim, but still it managed to spot a mostly broken chair at its foot. With a kick, it lifted the chair into the air, and swung the staff like a baseball bat. The staff struck the chair and sent it towards K.
K managed to evade the chair shot, but soon realized he had been duped when the Predator pole vaulted behind him with claws extended to his throat. He would not be living much longer. Spike saw the murderous intent on the creature, something he himself had so long ago and ran a number of options through his head.
He could fire on the Predator, but the guy who had helped him would more than likely be killed by the blades. He could fire on the blades, and possibly destroy them, but still the Predator could snap the guy's neck like a twig. The demon in him briefly considered shooting K himself, but the soul of William the Bloody quickly dismissed it. Spike's eyes and aim instead traveled to the floor.
"Hey big guy." Spike stated loudly so the Predator could hear him, "HEY UGLY! I'M TALKING TO YOU!"
The Predator looked to Spike and saw his aim with the de-atomizer was off by a meter or two. Then the creature scanned to where the weapon was aimed and saw it trained on Harmony's head as she stood up. It growled.
"Yeah, just keep growling mate. You want the Slayer don't you? Yeah you do. Everybody wants that one." Spike smirked.
The Predator simply grabbed K roughly as it looked to Spike angrily.
"I don't think you understand a word I'm sayin', but you get the gist of it. This little tart is leadin' you to my girl ain't she? I take her head clean off and you got yourself one less guide on the Sunny-Hell tour route. No Harm, no Slayer." Spike said coldly.
"Boo Boo, did I ever mention I love you soul or no soul?" Harmony whined.
"Shut up Harm." Spike warned, "Tell you what big man, you let that guy there go and I'll consider sparing this little bitch's life. You don't let him go…well Harm's gonna be scattered on the wind."
The Predator mused the situation. He intended to kill his guide. No guide to Slay-Er. It'd be interesting to hunt her that way, but the presence of the Men in Black complicated matters. He needed to take her head quickly with them in town. He was honorable, but by no means stupid. Slowly, his claws inched away from K. The cicada cry returned as it watched Spike.
"Harm, start crawling towards the big boy. Mr. Health Inspector, slowly inch forward." Spike ordered calmly.
"Just shoot it and don't worry about me." K said quietly.
"No can do mate. I'd feel bad in the morning. Plus I don't want my girlfriend mad at me." Spike said, watching the Predator.
"Spikey, please don't shoot me." Harmony said as she crawled for the Predator.
"Oh I'm not Harm. I got me a plan." Spike smirked, "Since our friend barely understands the human language, I got me a real good idea. You're going to go to the coat rack and put on a sheet, then you're gonna take my car. Spare keys are in the glove compartment."
"Ew. It's so out of style." Harmony groaned.
"Harm?"
"Yes?"
"Take the bloody car."
"Okay." Harmony growled.
"Then you're going to drive our friend to the construction site for the new Sunnydale Arms hotel since a hairy green giant stomped on the last one. Then you're gonna stay there till nightfall. Keep our friend there." Spike said.
"Why should I listen to anything you say?" Harmony asked, very near the Predator.
"Because you got no real love for this bloke. You're going to get killed by this guy sooner or later am I right? You help me help the Slayer and you might get out of town alive." Spike said, eyeing the Predator, "Only deal you get Harm."
"Fine!" Harmony pouted as she stood by the Predator and quickly hid behind him, "This isn't over you souled S.O.B.! We'll be waiting for you at the old…. the new construction site! You bring your Slayer and we'll kill her! …. I'll call you sweetie!"
The Predator slowly backed away towards the exit, as Harmony pulled a blanket over her body and ran out into the sun. Spike smirked. K then walked up to Spike and punched him. Spike was more stunned than hurt.
"What was that for man? I saved your life!" Spike yelled.
"And let a hostile extraterrestrial go loose! If vampires could be neuralized I'd make it to where you're shitting diapers again!" K stated.
"Neura-what?" Spike began, "Wait a tick. That was an extraterrestrial? An alien?"
"A very free alien that needs to be captured and deported ASAP. And you blew it." K said, resisting the urge to blow off Spike's head to see if it grew back.
"Don't get your knickers in a twist. It's taken care of. That stupid bint fell for a plan I just cooked up. Your alien fella is gonna be captured mate, maybe disposed of permanently. That goes in the good category doesn't it?" Spike said, jumping the bar and looking around on the floor.
"Care to let me in on it Tiger?" K asked, doing likewise.
What the hell? He may as well go along with it all.
"In good time, mate. In good time. That is if you got the stones for it." Spike said, scanning the floor.
"Oh I've got those, but why should I believe a word you say chief? Vampires aren't exactly men of their word." K replied, wondering what Spike was looking for.
Spike smiled.
"Ever been in love?" Spike asked suddenly.
K cocked his head at the unexpected question.
"Why?"
"Well, 'cause all this…this plan…this crazy notion that I just cooked up in my head… is for a girl." Spike said, picking up Mr. Pointy from the floor.