Chapter 12

Fëanáro would be sure to visit me every so often, and I found his company more and more enjoyable. Sometimes he would be angry when I met him, other times he would be close to tears, and on days when all of Valinor seemed in complete peace, he would be too. However, as I came to realise, no matter his temper when we met, he would always take leave of me in a tranquil and composed manner.

What I had seen for so long as a divine way of coping with life now became clearly a result of my own presence. I liked to at the very least appear to be humble, but it was becoming impossible for me not to realise my power over him. It seemed apparent that he himself did not realise it. Our relationship, however, benefited from his ignorance of this.

Before long, the marriage of the King was only days away. It was to be a small wedding, but our family was invited as my father was a rather close friend of Finw's. However, if one were to ask my mother, it was due to Fëanáro's interest in me that we were invited. Whatever the case, we were to attend, and mother and father were busily preparing for it. Mother was making new and extravagant robes for all of us, and father was preparing a magnificent gift for the King and his bride. The invitations had arrived with plenty of notice, written beautifully. Mahtan had noted that Finwë must have an exceptional scribe and I had smiled, nodding in agreement.

When the day arrived we rode to Tirion early although the feast was not taking place until later that afternoon. There was much celebration the entire day with the two families, but we of course would be out of place at such a gathering. So we spent the day wandering the streets of Tirion, paying visits to those we knew.

There were only a few who were added to the guests when the feasting began, which made me wonder why our family had been honoured with the invitation. Perhaps my mother had been right. I was relieved to see that Fëanáro was indeed present. Some part of me had feared all along that he may decide not to come at all. I was seated at a table for the guests who were not family, but I could still see him seated on the far side of the other table. I watched as all those around him ate the many dishes that were being served, and all the while he ate nothing, simply waving away all that was offered to him. Instead he was scrutinizing the cutlery and plates, and when he grew tired of that he began folding his napkin into as many shapes as he could think of. He did not once look up.

It was then time for dancing, and the minstrels picked up their instruments, beginning with a lively dance to get the guests off their seats. When Fëanáro rose and began walking towards me, one young maiden, supposedly of Ingw's house, watched him hopefully. He appeared not to notice her, and she was soon dancing with another Telerin partner, one who appreciated her fair-hair and radiant beauty. Fëanáro took me into his arms without saying a word, as if it were unconditional. He proved to be a wonderful dancer, but I should not have expected anything less. It wasn't until the song became a much slower one that he finally spoke.

"Do you think she always loved him, even when he was married to my mother?"

"It may be." I looked at the Vanyarin maiden who was still glancing at Fëanáro when given the chance. "Love is too often never returned."

"Do you believe then that he does not love her?" Why he had suddenly decided I had the answers to these questions, I did not know.

"He loves her; that is plain to see. But he will never love her like he loved Míriel. A love like that can be had once only. And once it is lost, it can never be regained." I heard myself speak, and it seemed as though they were not my own words. As though some prophecy was making itself known through me.

He pulled me closer to him and whispered something in my ear that I had not expected. "Nerdanel, do you love me?"

At any other time, the answer would have been simple. However, it seemed he had set me up to tell the truth. A love like that can be had once only. Thankfully, he gave me time to think. I must have thought for a very long time, for the minstrels began a dance tune, in which partners were exchanged, and Fëanáro was moving away. His eyes asked me one last time.

"Yes." I replied, and he smiled like I had never seen him do before. That weakness I saw in him was coming out in a completely different way. Whereas before he had been showing genuine helplessness, now it was something even less common: genuine joy. He was grinning, and his eyes were wide. As I watched him move away, I concluded that was how he must have looked as a child. The smile soon faded to a friendly one, greeting the maiden in front of him.

I found my next partner was none other than Finwë himself, so I quickly composed myself. "I see you have made my son smile." He said, as he went through the steps with almost the same skill as Fëanáro. "It is a shame you were not here earlier, I did not have the heart to enjoy the celebrations when I saw him frowning." He moved onto to the next lady, and I could think of nothing better to say than thank you.

I watched as Fëanáro drew closer and closer to me, remembering once in a while to look at my own partner. As soon as he came to me, he did not hesitate in taking me by the hand and leaving the dance floor. The Vanyarin maiden watched us with disappointment.

He took me onto a balcony, where the air was much cooler on my arms that were covered by only a thin fabric. I wished I had taken my cloak out with me. He ran his fingers through my hair, and lifted a few strands up, admiring them. He drew me closer and kissed me, lightly at first. The silver light reflected in his eyes and his hair. He kissed me again, this time more passionately. I do not know how long it was before he finally pulled away and looked at me; unfathomable wells of deep grey-blue met me.

"I love you." Each word was like a weight off his chest, and when he finished he breathed deeply. I found I was crying, and I thought they were tears of joy. Now, I think they may have been the first of many tears of sorrow to come. We stood holding one another for time unmeasured. It wasn't until I heard the music dying down and the guests returning to their seats that I remembered where we were. The sacred ceremony before union would soon be taking place, and I tried to pull away so I could return. Fëanáro held me back.

"Not yet. I want to see the least of it as possible." He said.

"Fëanáro, you have to be there. Surely, you are not afraid of it?"

He narrowed his eyes, but spoiled the effect when he smiled sadly. "I am not afraid to see them, I am afraid that I will betray my mother." So that was what had been bothering him this whole while.

"Fëanáro, you did not betray her, no one did. She left of her own free will, and the marriage was severed with her consent."

"She left because of me, you know that." I could not entirely deny it.

"At least do her the honour of respecting your father; it is what she would want of you." Whether or not I had convinced him, he walked inside, and took his seat, as I took mine.

As they spoke their oaths, the room became still. I knew somehow that Eru had indeed blessed the marriage and given His consent. I looked at Fëanáro, and he seemed to know also, for he looked down sadly. His lips began to move inaudibly. Once the oaths were complete, he looked back up as they exchanged their silver rings for ones of gold. There was a brief pause before they took one another's hand and turned to the heavens so that the One may witness their union. We all rose from out seats as they walked by, arm in arm, officially closing the ceremony. The doors were left open behind them, and the guests prepared to leave.

I walked towards Fëanáro, who was still seated, alone at the long table. None seemed to notice him as they passed by, so deep in thought were they. I watched as Ingwë left with his Queen, then his many brothers and sisters. The Vanyarin maid followed one of his daughters. She must be his grandchild, I thought. After Ingwë, those of the House of Finwë would have left, only Fëanáro was, as I now realised, the only one of that house. So it was that Olwë and a few of the Teleri were the next to leave, followed by the other unrelated guests, my parents among them. Soon, no one remained but Fëanáro and me.

He turned to look at me. "Nerdanel, you need to go home." He said.

I was not going to be dismissed that easily. There was one question that had been pressing on my mind. "Who were you speaking to, when they swore their oaths?"

He sighed. "My mother. Please, Nerdanel, you need to leave." I decided it was wise to grant his wish. I shouldn't have expected him to be unaffected by the ceremony. I was somewhat disappointed nonetheless, considering the moment we had shared not long ago.

"Will I be seeing you tomorrow?" I inquired, somewhat hesitantly.

"I do not know!" He was growing impatient.

"Farewell then," I said as I took one last look at him, closing the door behind me. He made no response.