If You Love Me, Leave Me
by
Kelsey
Disclaimer: JKR's, not mine.
Summary: When James and Sirius start growing apart, James isn't strong enough to do what has to be done, and responsibility rests on Sirius's shoulders.
Rating: PG-13
Kendall Wood was feeding Skylar Montgomery pieces of breakfast, one a time, grinning and cooing the whole time. Sirius thought it rather sickening.
He glanced across the table to say something of the sort to James, and instantly realized that his opinion wasn't shared by all. James was entranced-- his entire attention was captured by the blond receiving the food with outstretched tongue and the rather ditzy brunette placing them there.
A pang spread deep through Sirius. This wasn't the first time he'd seen something of the sort, but James refused to discuss it, leaving Sirius unsure if it was the couple's genders, the public displays of affection or just the general tenderness they both displayed that his best friend and partner envied.
James was still watching the couple as Sirius turned his head back to breakfast. Remus caught his eye for a second as he reached for more bacon, and smiled sympathetically. Sirius ignored him. Peter, chowing down on Sirius's left, was oblivious to the entire situation.
"Jamie."
James looked away from the couple and over towards Sirius, displaying no outward signs he'd just been baring his heart for anyone watching. "Yeah?"
"Old Charms room, lunch?"
James grinned and stuffed a bite of egg in his mouth. "I'll be there."
James was, true to his word, in the old Charms room when Sirius entered a few minutes past the start of lunch. One of the house elves they had grown particularly fond of over the years had brought lunch and was snapping its fingers and disappearing just as Sirius closed the door behind him. "Hey," James greeted him.
Sirius flopped into a desk, ignoring the food, and started bluntly. "We need to talk."
A smirk crossed his partner's face. "We need to talk? Well, those are some words I never expected to hear from Sirius Black's mouth in a thousand years."
Sirius ignored his flippancy. "Jamie, what do you want? From us?"
James looked up at him from where he was putting together a sandwich. "I like what we have," he said earnestly.
"But it's not enough anymore, is it?" Sirius's voice was low and sad, and it wasn't a question as much as a statement.
Putting down the sandwich, James stood and walked over to Sirius's desk, sitting down on it. Leaning over, he kissed Sirius gently, and threaded one hand through the second boy's dark, shoulder-length hair. "Of course it is."
Sirius was not to be deterred. "Prongs, I saw you mooning after the Ravenclaw idiots this morning. And the ones in Hufflepuff two days ago. And what seems like dozens of others on Hogsmeade weekend." He turned his face away from James' prying gaze. "Be honest. Do you need something you aren't getting from me?"
James tugged on Sirius's hair until the second boy raised his head, and then he shoved the corner of his sandwich in it. Sirius, rolling his eyes, bit off the edge of bread and cheese and chewed. "No."
Sirius sighed, kissed James quickly, and started making his own lunch. "So, did Flitwick invent any new tortures today?"
Running out of options, Sirius finally cornered Remus in their bedroom while James and Peter were serving detention. "Moony."
Remus glanced up from his advanced arithmancy book, a quill stuck behind his ear and streaking his tawny hair with ink. "Hmm?"
"I need your help."
Something must have clued Remus in to the fact that Sirius didn't just want to copy homework or ask about the practicality of a spell in his next prank, because he closed his book and scooted up on the bed until he was facing Sirius, who was sitting cross-legged on his own bed. "What's wrong?"
"James," Sirius offered succinctly.
"Ah."
Sirius nodded his head miserably. "You've noticed, too."
"I've noticed that he seems jealous of some of the more... traditional couples here."
"Exactly. Only thing is, I don't know what he's jealous of."
"What do you think it is?"
Sirius sighed. "Well, either he wants big, mushy public displays of affection, someone who calls him 'Honey' or me to have tits."
"And those are all about equally likely," Remus commented dryly.
Smushing up his face in disgust, Sirius shook his head. "Not even for Prongs would I imitate that horrible Ravenclaw mooning session of this morning."
"I don't think he wants you to, not really."
"Well, what do you think he wants?!"
Remus looked thoughtful and pained at the same time. "I think he wants normality. A girl, maybe. But not because she has tits-- but because he can kiss her in public and have a house and get married and have two-point-five kids." He spoke slowly, clearly reluctant to share this idea with Sirius.
"He kisses me in public," Sirius pointed out.
"But people stare and point and laugh. It's become something of a comic act here at Hogwarts, Padfoot."
"James likes having his life be a comic act. We both do," Sirius protested.
Remus tucked an inky piece of hair behind his ear alongside the quill and cocked his head at Sirius. "He's growing up."
"And I'm not?"
Remus smirked. "Nope." Sirius pouted for a moment, and Remus grinned, then his face went serious once more. "Honestly, I think James is growing out of having his life be a comic act. And you're not. It's not bad, either way, just... maybe you're not right for each other anymore." The werewolf looked pained at having to say this.
"You think James and I are growing apart," Sirius summarized. "And that he wants a 'normal' life now."
Slowly, Remus nodded.
Throwing himself backwards onto his bed, Sirius stared at the ceiling and cursed softly.
The new information in hand, Sirius watched James even more closely than he had before for a couple of weeks, and all of a sudden, it made a perfect sort of gut-wrenching sense.
James had been after Lily Evans for three years, but he'd also continued to be a complete prat the whole time. Evans didn't hate him nearly as much as she pretended to, Sirius knew, and James could have had her any time he wanted if he'd just stopped acting like a lovesick egomaniac. Suddenly, Sirius wasn't sure that James was as oblivious as he pretended.
All of a sudden, during tender moments, James' deep brown eyes no longer seemed to be saying 'I love you.'
Instead, they seemed to be saying, 'If you love me, leave me.'
A sinking feeling in his heart, Sirius went back to Remus.
"What do I do now?" he asked, without a greeting, closing and locking the door behind him.
Remus looked up from another one of his books, caught sight of Sirius' tear-streaked face and immediately set it down. He went to stand, but Sirius started to pace, and Remus sat back down on his bed. "What do you mean?" he asked softly.
Sirius threw his hands into the air, his natural gestures becoming more and more exaggerated with his emotions, as usual. "About James."
"Ah." Remus watched Sirius take five steps across the room, then turns on his heel and take five steps back, staying close to Remus's bed the whole time. "Well, what do you think James wants?"
Sirius snorted. "A 'normal' life, whatever the fuck that is. White picket fence, little wife in an apron, coupla' kids and a backyard."
"Have you talked to him?"
"All I bloody do is talk to him! But he won't listen. Just ignores me when I say something he doesn't want to hear."
"So what are you going to do now?"
"Well, it can't go on like this! Besides, that's what I came here to ask you, brainiac." His voice was tight, clearly near tears once more.
Remus stood and grabbed Sirius's shoulders as he went by. "Padfoot, James isn't as strong as you. Not like this. He could never be comfortable like this, all the looks and threats and taunts."
Sirius nodded. "I know," he whispered softly. "But it hurts. Why do I have to be the strong one?"
Remus shrugged. "Are you happy?" He asked.
Sirius shook his head slowly, silently.
"Is James?"
Another slow shake.
"Then you know why you have to act."
Sirius's face crumpled, and Remus enfolded him in his arms, wishing he could offer more than painful advice and a substitute for a lover who would never love Sirius as much as Sirius loved him.
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