If Cole Porter Did Les Miserables
jemi gr.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my stupidity.
Author's Note: This is pure, unabashed idiocy. Enjoy.
Les Miserables: A Synopsis
Music and Lyrics by Cole Porter
Based (roughly) on the novel by Victor Hugo.
ACT I.
Scene I: 1815, Digne.
Jean Valjean is an former convict who has just broken parole by robbing a child. While running from the police, he hides out at the house of four local church leaders in the town of Digne. Amazed at their kindness and all around generosity, he confesses to them about his shameful past. He asks them how he can become an honest, productive citizen not unlike the four of the them. The priests provide their answer in a rousing tap number ("Heaven Hop") - "If you want to please Saint Peter, take up the heaven hop!"
By the end of his stay at the priests', Jean Valjean has gone from miserable sinner to a happy heaven hopper - but the police, unwilling to believe a man can change just by a rousing tap number, continue to pursue him and draw closer to locating him every day. The priests tell Valjean that they'll keep his secret if he is willing to accompany one of the Father Fauchelevant's teenage daughter Cosette on a trip to England, where she is to be married - thus providing Valjean with a getaway and an alibi. He agrees immediately, and takes up the alias of "M. Ultimus Fauchelevant", the name of Father Fauchelevant's dead brother. Valjean and Cosette leave the house at night, in hopes that they will remain unnoticed by the police who have begun to suspect that he is there, but to no avail. The police chase the two through the dark streets of Digne in a comedic chase scene. Eventually, Valjean and Cosette escape - but the police, who had been spying on the house for some time, overheard their plan.
The officers return to the police station red-faced and empty-handed, and give their report to the fierce Inspector Javert. Javert, furious at the officers' incapability to capture an old man and a teenage girl, decides to take matters into his own hands and hunt down Valjean himself in a rousing tap number ("Buddie Beware.") He immediately heads out to board the ship bound for England.
Scene II: A Seedy Bar Near the Ship's Dock
Marius Pontmercy is a young, slightly dim lawyer, who is in love with Cosette Fauchelevant. Over several consoling glasses of rum, he tells his good friend Eponine, a bar singer, about his frustrations: Cosette is sailing to England with her fiancé Enjolras, where the two are to be married. Eponine, having recently fallen for Marius's charms, sings to him of her own affections for him in a rousing tap number ("I Get a Kick Out of You.")
Marius ignores this heartfelt expression of love and talks of his plans to sneak on the ship and win Cosette's heart. His plans are shattered, however, when his good friend Courfeyrac shows up at the bar and informs him of some important work that needs to be done at the law office the two work at. Courfeyrac won't be able to attend to it himself because he's going to England on the ship as well. When asked why, Courfeyrac answers with a rousing tap number ("I Want to Row on the Crew"), then skips excitedly out of the bar.
Marius begs Eponine to go to the law firm and finish up the work for him, pleading, "It's not that difficult! It's just the French legal system!", but Eponine sadly tells him that she can't because she's been hired to sing on the boat ship. "Is everyone in this goddamned country going to England?" cried Marius in frustration.
"Everyone and my mother," the bartender informs him.
Eponine, hoping to win Marius's good fortune, says she has an extra ticket if he's willing to skip work and possible destroy his whole career. Marius, being slightly dim, is quite willing, and the two exit the bar.
Scene III: The Deck of the S.S. Miserables
The sailors, while preparing the S.S. Miserables for departure, sing about the joys of sailing in a rousing tap number ("There's No Cure Like Travel"). As passengers begin to board the ship, they say their good-byes to those staying behind in a rousing tap number ("Bon Voyage"), where the passengers mispronounce several English phrases and are angrily corrected by Enjolras. Cosette's arm is linked with his, and the watchful eyes of both Valjean and Marius are on them.
After the ship pulls away from the harbor, the deck begins to clear, and Valjean sees Inspector Javert amoung the crowd, squinting at everyone and murmuring under his breath. Desperate for a disguise of any kind, Valjean robs a man - Bishop Bienvenue - of his priestly attire, but this does not fool Javert. He is about to make the arrest when the Captain sees Valjean and mistakes him for the Bishop who's outfit he is wearing. "Ah, there you are!" he cries. "Come on! It's time for the chapel service!"
"Ch chapel service?" stutters Valjean.
"Yes!" the Captain replies impatiently. "They're all waiting for you!"
Javert, who has learned from experience that it's always fun to witness someone's humiliation before arresting them, says with a smirk, You'd better hurry up, Monsieur Bishop'," and later adds impersonating a church clergyman' to his list of Valjean's offenses. Valjean, realizing that the choice is either give a chapel service or be arrested, allows himself to be swept away by the Captain.
Scene IV: The Ship's Chapel
Valjean, upon arriving at chapel, has no idea what to do, and begins talking nervously about world hunger. Javert, who is enjoying this greatly, decides to spice things up a bit. "Hey, Monsieur Bishop," he calls. "You're not moving me. You're not affecting me. I want to feel the Spirit within me! Make me a disciple of Jesus Christ! Change my life!"
The challenge is set, and Valjean looks Javert squarely in the eye and says "Alright." He begins the rousing tap number "Blow, Gabriel, Blow", telling the attendants to hear Gabriel blowing on his golden trumpet (not that trumpet, you nasty perverts!) The people are skeptical at first, but eventually the song catches on and Javert is left flabbergasted as the people dance and sing and shout with joy. "Anyone with half a brain can tell that this service is bullshit!" he complains to the Captain.
"Well, fortunately for us all you're the only on here with only half a brain!" the Captain snaps back before joining in the festivities.
Scene V: On Deck, That Evening
Cosette, majorly impressed at Valjean's impromptu sermon, decides to apologize for her typical teenage rudeness and befriend him. Valjean is more than happy to gain a new ally, and the two sing each other's praises (literally!) in a rousing tap number ("You're the Top"). Afterwards, Valjean decides to turn in for the night, but Cosette isn't tired and has a lot to think about, so she stays on the deck by herself. Marius sees her forlornly wandering the deck and asks her what's wrong. Cosette sighs, and then confesses to Marius her fears that Enjolras doesn't love her like he used to. Marius tells her that's impossible with the rousing tap number "Easy to Love." By the end of the song, Cosette realizes she's in love with Marius, and the two embrace as the stage goes black.
Scene VI: On Deck, the Next Morning
The passengers are upset, and are complaining to the captain about the lack of celebrities on board the ship. At that precise moment, Valjean comes running through, followed closely by Inspector Javert who is shouting "Stop him! Stop that man!" The Captain, thankful for the interruption, obliges and grabs Valjean as he runs past him. "Now, what seems to be the trouble here, Inspector?" he asks.
"That man - he's under arrest!" cried Javert dramatically.
The crowd gasps. "Monsieur l'Inspector, you cannot arrest our Bishop!" cries one of the women.
"Oh, he's no bishop," snarls Javert. "He's he's public enemy number one!" This, of course, is not true - but Javert thinks the fact that he's madly chasing after a man who only took a loaf of bread and coin might sound ridiculous to the passengers of the S.S. Miserables, so he quickly comes up with a face-saving lie.
The crowd gasps again, and Valjean stutters in denial and disbelief. The crowd suddenly bursts into applause, and Javert, being pompous and arrogant, thinks they are thanking him for catching a public enemy and takes a bow. He is thoroughly crushed and embarrassed, however, when the crowd (with a good deal of work) lifts Valjean over their heads and carries him away. Javert is left alone on the dock, shocked and angry. Eponine suddenly strides onto the deck, also shocked and angry having just found out about Marius and Cosette's new romance. They tell each other their stories, and Eponine sighs and sings "In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking, but now God knows anything goes." Javert continues the song, and the two are eventually joined by the rest of the company in the rousing tap number that serves as the Act I Finale: "Anything Goes."