Author's note: "My Immortal," by Evanescence is one of my favorite songs and as I listened to the lyrics, it inspired me to write a very angsty chapter, so again you're warned.
Disclaimer: Don't own Tolkien's characters or anything his brilliant mind created. But...I own Tansy and Calla.
In the middle of the night, Tansy could not sleep. Instead, she watched Frodo from where she stood a few feet away in the darkness. But it wasn't pitch darkness. Light from the full moon crept through the window and touched Frodo as he slept restlessly. She listened to what he murmured in his sleep.
"No, the ring is mine."
She flinched at the sight of his four-fingered hand that clutched his neck, groping for the chain as if it was still there.
The question replayed itself over and over in her mind.
What happened to you?
Feeling the sting of her burning tears, Tansy shut her eyes.
Chapter Four: Broken
"Good Morning!" said Tansy cheerily.
"Good Morning," Frodo answered not so cheerful but pleasant enough to convince his wife that he was feeling better.
He sat down at the kitchen table where Calla had been seated in a high chair. Her lips smeared with puréed berries she scooped up with a spoon.
"Good Morning to you, too, Calla."
Calla greeted him with one of her giggles while smearing more berries against her lips as she ate.
Frodo smiled, staring at Calla and still awed by the reality of having a daughter. His eyes left her and darted up to Tansy. She carefully set a platter of sugarcoated strawberry and crème cakes onto the middle of the table. After she had done that, Tansy poured tea into his cup first and when her cup was filled to the brim, she sat at the other end of the table.
"Strawberry and creme cakes," said Frodo softly as he reminisced the time when Sam baked them for their first picnic at Bag End.
"I know your uncle Bilbo did most of the cooking before you left," said Tansy. "So while you were gone, I learned how to cook, I know not as well as Bilbo or Sam when he baked these cakes but I try."
"Tansy, I'm sure they taste wonderful."
Frodo reached for one of the cakes. Suddenly he hesitated, realizing it was his hand with the missing finger he jerked it back onto the table and rolled it into a fist.
Uneasy and didn't know what to do with herself at the moment, Tansy lifted her cup and sipped a little tea.
Frodo cleared his throat, despising the awkward tension in the atmosphere around them. He decided to use his left hand instead and chose one of the cakes off the platter.
Tansy kept her eyes on the cup as she continued to sip the tea, still feeling uncomfortable. At the same time, she wondered what he honestly thought about her cooking.
"It's delicious, Tansy!"
Her eyes shot up to meet his. "It is? You really like it?"
He nodded with a pleasant smile while chewing.
Delighted, Tansy answered, "I'm glad because I wanted to bake it special for you."
Calla demanded their attention, banging the spoon onto her plate as if it were a drum. Clank, clank along with giddy laughter lightened the tension somewhat and Tansy was thankful for that. For she laughed each time Calla banged and in the process, making a splattered mess on herself and on the table.
"Calla," Frodo said to his wife. "You gave her a beautiful name."
Tansy only nodded with a shy smile softening her lips.
"I'm sorry," said Frodo.
"For what?" Tansy asked while chewing off a small piece of the cake.
"Well, for not being here when Calla was born...for everything."
Tansy frowned. "Frodo, you had to leave."
"Yes, I know that, but--," The cup slipped from his four-fingered hand and clanked onto the saucer.
Tansy flinched. She clasped her hands together beneath the table and kept nervous eyes on her half-eaten cake that lay on the plate.
"Sorry," he said sheepishly.
"I understand, Frodo."
Frodo stared at her through pools of tears.
Do you really? No...how can anyone understand?
Frodo drew in a deep breath. "You wanted to know about my adventure, all right, I'll tell you."
Tansy's eyes left the plate. They slowly rolled up the peasant-style white shirt he wore and rested onto Frodo's sorrowful face.
He went on. "I know you thought it would be an easy to task to get rid of the ring. Tell me the truth, Tansy."
She nodded. "Yes, that's why I expected you back sooner."
"I expected it as well. It all turned out quite different when I arrived in Rivendell. I thought the ring would be safe there, as long as it was far away from the Shire. But...it couldn't stay there. I had decided to destroy it myself."
"So," Tansy interrupted, "you had to go to Mordor."
"Yes, but I was not alone. Sam accompanied me. Before we set off to Mordor, so much had happened--,"
Tansy listened carefully, shivering every now and then when Frodo explained to her the events that occurred before he reached Rivendell. How he met Aragorn who was now King Elessar of Gondor. Aragorn who told them about the Black Riders and at Weathertop, it was there when Frodo had been stabbed in the shoulder by one of the riders. He went on about the others who also accompanied him. Besides Sam, Merry and Pippin, there were Legolas, Gimli, Boromir and of course, Gandalf. Frodo continued further, describing the beauty of Rivendell and Lothlorien where they met Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn. That part of his adventure had been a delight to Tansy's ears, but then she frowned again when he had no choice but to tell her the rest. How he was stabbed again by a cave troll, but the Mithril he wore beneath his shirt had saved him.
Then came his horrible encounter with the giant spider, Shelob and the wound she inflicted when she stung him. In Cirith Ungol, Orcs had taken him prisoner in the tower. Feeling the shame of lying in the darkness, naked. His wrists and ankles were bound tightly with rope and the fear he would never forget when one of the Orcs took a whip; the unforgettable pain each time the whip tore his flesh. And then Smeagol, out of his desperation of wanting the ring, bit off Frodo's finger.
Again, Tansy shuddered, covering her mouth with her hand.
Frodo swallowed away the nagging lump that lodged in his throat.
"So," he said, crestfallen, "That's my adventure."
In her mind, Tansy scrambled for the words she wanted to utter, but what could she say to make him feel better?
"Well," she managed to say and added, "the ring is destroyed. Everything is all right, now."
Frodo cringed at her reply, thinking it rather stoic. He shrugged it off and a smile brightened his face when he glanced at Calla.
"Look at you," he said light-heartedly. "You're a mess. Mommy will give you a bath when you're done."
"Oh my," Tansy giggled. "You are a mess. You don't want your cousins and your uncle to see you so dirty when they come."
Tansy left where she sat and hoisted Calla into her arms.
Frodo stood from his chair. "I'll get the basin and water."
Tansy peeked at Frodo. Her eyes squinted as if she pondered something.
"Frodo?"
"Yes?"
She hesitated, biting her bottom lip. Last night she hardly slept. Listening to him mumble in his sleep.
The ring is mine.
"Tansy, what's wrong?"
"The ring. Is it really...gone?"
"Yes. It's gone. You have no reason to fear anymore, Tansy."
She nodded, though Frodo wasn't blind to her obvious unconvinced expression.
When she left the kitchen, he stood there for a moment, frustrated.
Why does she doubt me?
The voices assaulted him again.
It's because she doesn't love you. How could she?
Look at what you've become. You're not the same, Frodo.
You're not the same.
Frodo squeezed his eyes shut. He screamed at the voices, demanding they leave him alone. Then came a sudden silence. He breathed a sigh of relief, opened his eyes and left the kitchen to get the basin.
"Calla," Pippin said as he trotted alongside Merry and Sam down the hill to Bag End. "You know, Merry, I still can't believe we have a little cousin...oh and Sam, I'm sure you're proud Frodo and Tansy asked you to be Calla's uncle."
Sam acknowledged Pippin's statement with a smile and nod. He stopped at the white gate that belonged to the Baggins' hole.
"I'm happy for Mr. Frodo. He deserves a family."
Merry and Pippin eyed one another. And despite their smiles, they could not forget what Frodo had endured, what they all suffered.
"You're right," said Merry, usually chipper, but this time he was serious. "Frodo deserves to be happy."
"Well," Pippin chimed, breaking the gloom that lulled over them. "Let's go see Calla shall we?"
"There," said Tansy to Calla in her arms. "You look much better."
Inside the parlor, Frodo stood next to his wife and watched Calla over Tansy's shoulder.
Tansy turned and caught him peeking.
"Why don't you hold her?"
Frodo blushed. "Well...okay."
He lifted Calla until she was safely nestled in his arms. Frodo rocked her a little. He shut his eyes and tilted his forehead onto hers. Tears wanted to have their way. They needed to escape. But Frodo refused. He didn't want Tansy to see him that way. He needed to be strong and so Frodo gained back the control he almost lost. His eyes snapped open at the sound of the doorbell.
"They're here," Tansy announced excitedly.
Frodo followed Tansy to the door. When she opened the circle, it pleased him greatly to see his cousins along with Sam. He saw their elated smiles and knew they were happy about him being a father. Still, it didn't seem to sink in yet that he was actually a 'father', which Frodo had to remind himself over and over.
Pippin's eyes widened with delight as he scuttled over to Frodo.
"She's beautiful!"
"Isn't she?" said Merry.
"Oh, Mr. Frodo, Mrs. Baggins," said Sam, "A very beautiful child she is."
"Thank you," answered Tansy gratefully.
After they had finished second breakfast, Tansy joined Merry and Pippin inside the living room where they spent time with Calla. Frodo sat at the kitchen table with Sam.
"So," said Frodo, leaning his crossed arms onto the table. "Did you tell Rosie yet?"
Sam blushed and a coy smile spread across his lips.
"You told her!"
Sam nodded. "At first I thought, Samwise Gamgee, what if she doesn't say I love you back? Well, she did!"
Grinning, Frodo replied, "Sam, my dear Sam, I'm very happy for you."
"I'm happy for you, too, Mr. Frodo."
Sam smiled back, watching Frodo rest his chin on the palm of his right hand. His smile vanished when he saw Frodo's missing finger. Immediately the gardener was concerned.
"Uh—Mr. Frodo, how are you feeling?"
"I'm fine, Sam."
"And Tansy?"
"Tansy? She--,"
Frodo peeked at his hand and then it dawned on him why Sam was so inquisitive. He sighed, slumping back against the chair.
"What you're asking me, Sam is...what did Tansy think when she saw my hand?"
"Well," Sam paused and breathed. "You're right Mr. Frodo, that's what I'm asking."
"How long could I hide it from her? She had to see it eventually and the scars I have. I told her what happened. She was upset, which I had expected. But I think in time everything will be all right."
Frodo peered out into the living room. His eyes fell somberly onto Tansy. He watched her, listened to her laughter while Merry and Pippin played with Calla. He wanted to be close to his wife last night—the way they were before the nightmare. Though the ring had been destroyed, it was as if it returned from the fiery chasms of Mount Doom, mercilessly haunting him and on a vengeful quest to destroy the love for his wife he longed to feel again.
November came swiftly and before the winter would once again visit the Shire, there was another market in Hobbiton. Frodo and Tansy hired one of the lasses who lived nearby to take care of Calla while they were gone. The usual large crowd attended the market. When the suddenly famous hobbits weaved through the crowd, some of the folk greeted them warmly. Some stared at them with an evident scowl and dislike of queer hobbits. And Frodo especially felt that scowl. For he knew they were aware of the missing finger on his hand.
When they stopped at one of the vendors, his four fingers crept toward Tansy's wrist and when they intertwined themselves around her hand, Frodo noticed her discomfort.
Tansy yanked her hand out of his. Instead, she threw it against her mouth, pretending she saw something impressive at a table lined with plates, cups and other necessities for the kitchen.
Frodo eyed Sam and discovered his loyal friend was not at all blind to the embarrassing incident that had happened.During the evening, Frodo and Tansy returned to their hole. He waited for Tansy to hang up her cloak and then he hung his waistcoat onto the peg. Frodo watched her pensively as she stepped into the parlor and took Calla from the lass who was now their babysitter when they needed her. After she had been paid, the young lass reached for her cloak.
"I hope Calla isn't much trouble for you?" said Frodo kindly.
"No trouble at all, Mr. Baggins, sir."
"Good. Well, thank you for your help."
She appreciated his kindness with a polite nod. "Good night, sir."
"Good night."
When she had gone, Frodo sauntered into the living room. He stopped beside the chair where Tansy sat with Calla.
Tansy looked up at him. "Why don't we have a tea and seed cake party. Remember the parties we use to have with Bilbo?"
"A party? When?"
"In a few days. It's too cold for picnics so why don't we have a party?"
Tansy glanced and smiled at Calla clapping her hands together.
"I'll think about it," said Frodo in a cold, stern voice.
"Think about it?" Tansy's pinned up curls bounced a little as she turned in the chair. Her eyes narrowed at Frodo. "Do we have other plans?"
"No."
"Then why do you have to think about having the party?"
"Because," Frodo began and tried to be as calm as he could. "I'm tired and having a party is the last thing I want to be bothered with right now."
Offended by what she perceived as a smug attitude, Tansy sprang from the chair along with Calla and brushed past him into the kitchen.
Frodo followed her to the table.
Tansy's free hand grabbed a cup and slammed it down onto the wooden surface. Next, she grasped the handle on the kettle and about to pour some tea when Frodo spoke.
"Why have a party?" he spatted, "and pretend everything is all right when it's not!"
Tansy slammed the kettle onto the table. She looked up with a scowl that infuriated him even more.
"Ever since you've been home, I feel like I don't know you anymore. At night, I hear you utter things in your sleep, about the ring. It's over now. You have to let it go. I just want everything to be like it was!"
Both were oblivious to Calla sneaking the cup into her hand.
Frodo blindly went on. "And I don't? I wish none of this had ever happened! I think about when I had five fingers and no scars. When I felt like I wasn't going mad!" He hesitated, fighting the tears that burned his eyes. Frodo added, "When you held my hand and wasn't ashamed of me."
Tansy shook her head, denying the last words he had spoken.
"Frodo--,"
Suddenly they were startled by a crash.
Tansy looked down and saw fragments of the cup splattered near her feet.
"Calla!"
Frightened by the sound of Tansy's voice, Calla began to cry.
"I'll clean it up," Frodo offered.
"No. It's okay. I'll do it."
Frodo lifted Calla into his arms.
"Shh," he whispered to her as he solemnly left the kitchen.
Tansy bent over the shattered cup. With a dustpan in her left hand and a small broom in the other, she swept some of the shards into the pan. She stopped and stared at many fragments that weren't confined to only one small space but had been dispersed across the tiles.
"So many pieces," she thought. "So many--,"
Tansy shut her eyes.
"When you held my hand and wasn't ashamed of me..."
She kept her eyes shut, squeezing them until a tear snaked down her freckled cheek.
This is our fate? Or was it really fate that we were to be together?
How could it have been? So much pain. How much more can I bear?
How can we move on for what is now broken.
Slowly, Tansy opened her eyes and gazed out into the parlor. From a distance, she could still see gold, chestnut and russet leaves falling like feathers outside the window. Leaves that morphed into tiny flakes of December snow that fell calmly.
Tansy slipped out of the hole and into the frigid air. The hood of her velvet cloak, which Frodo had brought back as a gift for her, had protected Tansy from the most of the snow. Still, some of the icy flakes stung her face as she trudged up the hill that had already been carpeted with a few layers of white.
Trudging up to Bagshot Row.
Sam was waiting for her.
"Mrs. Baggins is coming here?" said the Gaffer. "In this weather?"
"I reckon so," Sam replied, sitting across from his father at the kitchen table.
"It's about Mr. Frodo, isn't it? He hasn't been well at all?"
Sam sighed and frowned. "No."
The doorbell chimed twice.
"That must be her now," the Gaffer said as he rose from his chair and walked out into the living room.
Sam listened to his Gaffer welcoming Tansy inside their hole. And when they entered the kitchen, Sam courteously stood onto his hobbit feet.
"I'll be in the den," the Gaffer said.
After he left them alone, Sam's attention fleeted back to Tansy.
"Mrs. Baggins," he said politely and bowed his head a little.
"Hello, Sam," Tansy replied, forcing a weak smile at the gardener.
Thick white sleeves peeked out from under his grey wool vest that seemed to keep him warm. He waited until Tansy sat down and then he returned to his chair.
"How is Mr. Frodo today?" Sam asked Tansy who was always well dressed in wealthy clothes. Silk burgundy hugged her plump form with a ruffled collar buttoned up to her neck.
"He's resting, for now."
Sam examined her face. He searched for the 'Tansy Puddifoot' he once knew. Instead he saw a lass, drained with puffy circles beneath her eyes, as if her youth had been stolen and now lost.
"Have you been sleeping?"
Tansy nodded. "Not much. How can I? Frodo...he screams in his sleep. During the day he's usually distant, well, with me that is. He spends time with Calla and when he's not doing that, he's in the den writing in his red book. But he hardly ever spends time with me. Sam, I've become frightened of him, like he's a stranger. All he cares about is that ring. I see it in his eyes. He won't let it go. Why can't he let it go?"
"That ring," Sam explained, "once someone gets a hold of it, it's hard to let go, even now that it's destroyed. I know what's it's done to Mr. Frodo. It was such a burden. It began to corrupt his mind and he had to fight it and I know it wasn't easy for him to do that. And it's not just the ring, he suffered so many wounds. What he went through Mrs. Baggins, it was a dreadful thing."
"I want him back, Sam!" Frustrated, she shouted, "Why did all of this have to happen to him? Now I wish he hadn't gone!"
By now, Sam lost his patience with Tansy and fired back. "Have you forgotten what Mr. Frodo did? He chose to destroy the ring so Middle-earth can be saved. How can you ignore the sacrifice he made? There was a chance we could've died. And I know that's something you wouldn't want but at least you, Calla, Rosie and everyone in Middle-earth would still have a chance to live peacefully and not be slaves to Sauron, because that's what would have happened!"
Sam wondered if his Gaffer heard the conversation and so he lowered his voice and continued on.
"When you and Mr. Frodo are together, don't think I haven't noticed. You're always uncomfortable with him, like you're ashamed of him. It's enough he feels terrible after what happened. I don't mean no disrespect, Mrs. Baggins. I understand it's not easy for you either but you have to stop thinking about yourself. He was there for you when you were afraid. Now you need to be there for him. He needs time, please, Mrs. Baggins."
Tansy bowed her head in shame of what she had done. Again she allowed her fears and selfishness to keep her from doing what was important, from being a wife she vowed to Frodo. When she looked up at Sam, tears blinded her eyes.
"I love him, Sam."
"I know you do."
"What you've said is true, but I'm afraid...I've lost him."
Tansy had not forgotten the conversation with Sam on that icy, winter day. Now it was March 13 of the year 3020. And though she wanted desperately to be close to Frodo, he drifted further and further, especially during the times of his anniversary illness. March 13 had been the day he was poisoned by Shelob.
Tansy lay beside him in bed. She wondered if he even knew she was there as he whined from the high fever that inflicted him. Tansy patted his sweaty forehead and face with a cloth that had been dipped in cool water.
"Frodo?" Tansy whispered, begging for him to look at her.
When he turned his face and his sunken eyes opened a little, she smiled.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you before. I'm here now."
Frodo's eyes rolled away from her and his face fell onto the other side of the pillow.
"Frodo?"
Silence.
Frightened by the chilling silence, Tansy laid her head onto his chest. Her hands grasped the beige sleeves of his nightshirt.
"Oh no, Frodo, please don't die," she cried. "I don't want to lose you! No! No..."
TBCA/N: I know you're wondering what's going to happen with Frodo and Tansy but hit that button, read, review and soon you'll find out!