Summary: Duo, mentally and physically tired, faces death and realizes what he has to lose in life and what he will miss when his time comes.

Rating: PG-13, I stay on the side of caution. Mild swearing, depression, blood, stuff.

Disclaimer: Again the title has no point to the chapter but this is an odd one. You learn about what was said between Sally and Duo and yeah. There is also a lot of Duo thinking about things here so have fun reading.

Chapter Three- Homeward Bound

Once again Duo found himself in his bed, same time as he usually would have gotten out of work, curled around Scythe-the cat Trowa had given him. He never understood why he was so attached to it, but he did know that every night he would lie in bed and just hold it...Thinking. He laughed at himself, thinking was something he had been doing a lot of lately. Thinking about people, betrayal, just about anything that connected itself with what had gone on earlier in the day.

Talking more to himself then anything, or anyone, he had asked himself multiple questions while lying alone in bed. Why did Trowa and Heero betray him? Had he done something wrong to them? He was loyal, he trusted them even when he was afraid for them or scared about them...So what did he do wrong?

"WHAT DID I DO TO YOU!?!" losing control he forced himself off of the bed and in front of their pictures. Crying he continued talking to himself, thinking that they were there to hear him knowing that they were all probably just getting home from work. "Was...was I disloyal? Why did you have to...? Couldn't you have trusted me, I said I'd be fine."

Curling into a ball and reaching under his bed he found the one thing that didn't need to tempt him at such a time...His blades. Each one their own special value, one given to him by Solo, another few by some other friends and his dads...His dads was his favorite, something that took him back quite a few years. Staring icily at the shine each one gave off in the little sunlight that pushed through the blinds covering the one window in his room. Those blades were calling to him, calling to his need to inflict pain on himself, his need to repent for sins of others as well as himself. Hands shaking he popped the cap off of the exacto Solo lent him, his eyes were no longer focused and actions were not of his control. Pulling off the numerous hair bands that covered the deep scar on his wrist he stared, unsure of what he was doing or how he was going to do it. He placed the knife on the scar and prepared himself for a quick and deep cut, like he had done originally.

"Good god," Duo whispered to himself shaking his head and throwing the blade aside, "What the hell am I doing? I promised I'd be better and look at me. Look at what this is doing to me, god if only they knew what this is doing to me. Solo I promised you and you promised me...but you betrayed your promise and I am still keeping mine...SCREW YOU SOLO!"

Crawling hurridly over to the discarded weapon he held it up, stared at it and started crying. "...screw you Solo...you fucking did this to me, look at what you did damnit! I was good, I was fine until you! I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I was good! YOU FUCKING KILLED MY INNOCENCE AND THEN RAN AWAY! YOU GOT ME CAUGHT! YOU GOT THEM TO BETRAY ME! FUCK YOU SOLO!"

He slowly dragged himself into the bathroom, closed the door and started the cold water in the sink. Spacing out for a minute he regained control and splashed ice cold water on his face getting rid of any evidence of tears that would have resided there. He knew that he had just had another emotional moment but didn't care like he should have...like he would have if he wanted to be strong for someone. Going back to his bed he pulled the covers over himself and grabbed his notebook, another wonderful passage to add to his thoughts.

Ya did it... Why did ya do that to me? Was I bad? Did I do something? I can never tell, people are always telling me that it was my fault that...It was something I did wasn't it? I wanted you to know because I felt obligated to inform you of what was going on instead of leaving you in the dark...Did you want me to leave you alone in the dark? I'll remember for next time...

Where do I run when I am now alone? When no one...when you're not there to run to, to stop me when I go too far. Who do I go to when I want to stop running? 'Cuz' I'm gettin' kinda tired of running.

I shouldn't be crying, I should be strong but...I can't. It hurt me, hurt me more then anything has ever hurt before...With very few exceptions. Where do you expect me to go when I am trapped in a corner? I don't want to share things, I'm not good at staying sane when I do, so why cant you just trust that?

Did I betray you? Is that the problem, my betraying you....Or my being myself? I didn't do that to you when you were hurt, or when I was really worried about ya. I trusted you to make it through because I know that you can take care of yourselves and each other...Do ya not think I can take care of myself? I know I can....

As of now I can't even tell ya how I feel.

Betrayed, yeah.

Hurt, course.

But I know that there is more to it then that I just cant figure out what it is. My logic has never been clear to anyone, not even myself but I asked you to drop it and ya didn't, ya couldn't. I asked you, one of the few times I've ever asked a favor of you and you couldn't do it for me.

God I can't even think...I don't even want to try. I...I just want to sleep.

Duo Maxwell

Duo was crying, he just couldn't stop himself from letting it all out. After so many years stopping himself from crying, so many times where he just didn't let the tears come out, he had to let himself go. The notebook took its regular place on the floor by Duo's bed and the pen was of course on top of the book. Pulling the covers over his head and turning the fan on he tried to sleep. He figured he mideswell go to bed at four because he was probably gunna wake up early anyway. So he fell asleep with Sallys voice in his head telling him what the consequences would be, not the treatment but the consequences.

Begin Dream

"Duo, I am really sorry to have to be the one to tell this to you but we were forced to inform Une about what went on with you last Saturday. She...ordered us to be the ones to tell you what she wants done about it. First of all you are not to make contact with people, no online, limited phone, and NO trying to find loopholes around any of it. Secondly she wants to send you to a phsychiatrist, Dr.Nikrat. She has heard about you and you already have an appointment. Thirdly you are not allowed missions, AT all." Sally prepared herself for Duo's explosion but was surprised to find he just sat there with his head down. His eyes seemed almost cold...emotionless, like Trowas had before he lightened up after the war ended.

Duo stood up. "Thanx Sal...I'm gunna go home now. I am kinda tired."

"Duo, we're not done here," Sally pulled Duo back into his seat. "Miss Nonnac is here for you, all of us are. We are just worried. The two people who came to us were just worried for you."

"Sal, does that excuse them for betraying my trust?"

"Mr.Maxwell after what happened in the beginning of the year can you blame them for being worried? We've met before about something like this haven't we?" Miss Nonnac spoke to Duo trying to get him to see.

"What went on at the beginning of the year?" Sally looked shocked, she hadn't heard about the beginning of the year.

"Mr.Maxwell, why don't you explain it. You're better at telling your own life story then I am." Miss Nonnac smiled. Duo looked at that smile with a glare, she was enjoying putting him through hell and he knew it.

"I just got myself into a bit of trouble. Nothin big." He shrugged not wanting to go into THAT story again. To him the past was the past, no one round there could let anything go. He had, and look he was still alive to tell about it.

"Some other people had come to me concerned about his safety and we talked with him about it. Isn't that right Mr.Maxwell?" She asked knowing the answer but trying to get him to open up about it. Duo grinned at his inside thoughts, if she hadn't then she would never have even brought it up in the first place.

"Well Mr.Maxwell, as you can tell people really care about you. So tell me whats been going on" Miss Nonnac was trying to stir things up and she managed to do a pretty good job of it. Sally looked at Duo and saw for the first time tears, Duo was going to cry. She called the meeting off and thanked Miss Nonnac, while pushing Duo out of the room.

"Duo, you ok?" She asked thoroughly concerned with the look on the boys face while he was being badgered by both her and the shrink.

"No Sal, I'm not." He left his answer simple but even from those few words you knew that he was straining the steadyness of his voice.

"Do you want me to come with you to get your stuff?" Duo was to leave work early and not come back the next day. They wanted to give him time to reflect on what had gone on, at least thats what Une ordered.

"Naw, I'll be fine." His back was to Sally and without so much as a glance or any other words he left her, going down the halls and out of the building. Out of everything he once knew of as life.

End Dream