Summary: Duo, mentally and physically tired, faces death and realizes what he has to lose in life and what he will miss when his time comes.

Rating: PG-13, I stay on the side of caution. Mild swearing, depression, blood, stuff.

Disclaimer: You meet someone new in this chapter. I don't own anyone but I own the story, incase you havent figured that out by the last few chapters. Uh, I think this was one of the chapters I liked so have fun.

Chapter Four- Friends Among Enemies

Days went by quickly as Duo was stuck at home doing nothing but staring at the blank computer screen on his desk. He didn't want to be stuck at home, he wanted action...He wanted his normal life back. It was just last summer he had screwed it up but, he still wanted it back. Taking Scythe into his arms again he laied down in bed, this time he didnt want to think he wanted to just let everything wash over him. After what happened happened he could not face Trowa or Heero, hell he was finding it hard to face Wufei and Fei-Fei had no clue what had gone on. Now why couldn't he face Wufei? It was simple. Heero and Trowa had betrayed him and he had TRUSTED them, he now became so damn aware of people and found himself going the other way.

Yeah it was kinda unfair logic to Fei but he didn't think the Chinese pilot minded, he was afterall still talking to Trowa and Heero. Trowa and Heero didn't seem to have a problem with not talking to Duo, hell they seemed happier then when he was around. The thoughts of finally just slitting or running had entered Duo's head so many times he felt that sooner or later he would actually do it, again. His blades were so tempting, so beautiful, so sharp, that keeping his thoughts off of them seemed an impossible task. The cold stainless steel woke him at night, he could see himself ending it or feel himself placing the blade on his skin.

Drinking also found its way into his mind, the alcohol used to keep his mind away from the problem. He loved the feeling of a lot of nice alcoholic drinks causing him to stumble in and out of places with people looking at him like he was usually walking. Smoking, he could smell it or taste it whenever he did anything. All of his habits and bad activities that he tried to lose for the other pilots came back to haunt him. He wanted it all so badly that he literally felt obligated to lock himself in his appartment so that he would not get back into them.

During the week of hell he spent much of his time in "memory lane." He'd find himself staring at pictures of himself and the other pilots while laughing that none of them had even smiled in quite a few of them. He'd revisit old places in his mind, places where he used to binge drink with the best of them, or places where his friends now rested-gravesites. He took time to remember every detail of when he was younger, even the moments that caused him a great amount of pain to remember. His past was his past, as he would always love to say, there was nothing he could do about it but leave it alone.

One of his fondest memories just happened to be when he let his emotions go the first time. He was with Solo and a few other people at the time and they knew how to handle it, almost like they knew how to handle him as a person. They were able to fix what he had done to himself and did it without even thinking about it. He never got to repay them for all that they had done, they died just this past spring after they had moved away thinking the ghosts of two others would leave them alone. Duo love them all just as much as he hated them, they were a part of him whether or not he wanted them to be or not they were who he became. He was allowed to be anyone with them and that feeling was something he never wnated to let go, but he had to.

So what he did was become good friends with the pilots, shakng his head his thoughts continued to take him back to the past, and htings were great with them. They brought out a side of him that no one ever thought existed, they were people he felt that he could tell anything. Yeah they were known to have speed bumps and stuff but in all honesty who doesnt have speed bumps every now and then? The fact of the matter is Duo loved them, all of them. Not for being fellow soldiers in a neverending war but for being people that he could run to.

"Nothing I can do will bring the past back, I can't just go back to the way I was just like things can't go back to the way they were. I need to stop living on hopes and dreams, gotta face the facts." He stared out the window as the tears started welling up. Yeah he was feeling sorry for himself but in this case he found the circumstances hard to grip alone. "I have ta stop pretending stuff, pretending I can trust people or pretending that I am normal. Hell, even in a band of misfits I am still the odd man out. Just special that way...Solo, I could really use your guidance about now. What am I gunna do? Who am I gunna be? Ya used ta tell me ta be me and I used ta know who that was. With you it was the street kid, alcohol, sex, and other things and with them it was smiles and games. What happens to anyone when they completely lose who they are?"

The sun was setting and colors illuminated the room as Duo took to his bed. Taking out the paper covered blades again he looked at them in facination. Cutting was a habit that took him away from the hell of life, cutting was what became his life force during the hardest times and he was forcing himself to avoid that at the WORST of times he had ever been in. There were times when he wished he were still in the war, it gave him an excuse to murder or destroy things.

The week went by rather quickly and soon Duo found himself at the one full week point since he had taken those pills. Still unsure of how many he took he played everyday like what happened didn't. It was Saturday that he found the blood was not gone, he found what he thought he saw was really there. Not believing it he felt that it was just a fluke and ignored it but he knew in the back of his head he needed to get help and fast. Willingly he had lied to Sally telling her that he only had four pills while knowing full and well that there were FAR more then four pills in his system. He was just lost.

The thing that hurt him the most was not the realization of what was to come but the fact that the other pilots seemed to be able to forget him so quickly, but then everyone he knew had been able to do that so he wasn't really surprised that he had gone the whole week only talking once to one of them.

"Maybe I should just...I dunno go back to who I was with Solo. People left me alone and then I couldn't get hurt by anyone. I swore that they wouldn't have hurt me like this but....Guess I'm just a bad judge of character. Heh heh heh" He laughed nervously at himself. "Wow, I am just some poor sap wallowing in self pity. I don't have too long ta have fun and stuff so screw this in bed crap. I wanna have fun and that's what I am gunna do."

Getting himself out of his bed he quietly snuck across the floor and opened his drawers and closet. Knowing Une she would have guards posted around Duo just to make sure that he didn't leave the appartment at night, she never wanted him to have any fun. So Duo was forced to do what he loved to do, sneak out. Looking for the darkest clothing he had to get himself through the dark he found the old priests outfit, it was basically all clothing that never even belonged to him anyway. He grabbed his black hat and a pair of gloves just in case he ran into problems getting to where he wanted to go. Slowly he opened the door and let himself out careful to not awaken the guard who slept just a few feet away.

Once he got out of the building he ran down the block and around the corner. Fun was something he was sure that he wanted at the end of his life, he wanted to die with a grin on his face and damn if he wasn't gunna get it. After he was around the corner he started walking casually, running into a bar was not something that he wanted to get beaten up for. The streets were quiet but cars still passed by every now and then afterall it was a saturday night of course the drunks and druggies wouldn't miss this night. Duo slowed his pace even more then when he originally slowed when he felt someone's eyes on him and heard someone following him. He immediately let his eyes go to the ground, not wanting to intimidate anyone into a fight.

"So now ya come ou', eh?" A familiar male voice came from the shadows.

"What do ya want Will?" Duo was not impressed with Will and infact had had many run-ins with the drug dealer. Will was not a friend and to Duo he would never gain his trust.

"Jus' wanna know wha' the fancy ta do is a' your 'ppartment. Lotta people 'angin' round, na?" Will started walking with Duo until he asked, "wha' ya doin' 'way from it?"

"Going to have fun." A short and simple answer was all that Duo felt he owed the man.

"Need a ride?" Pulling out his keys Will jingled them and smirked.

"What do you want in return?" Duo was skeptical of help, espically from Will of all people.

"We'll 'ave ta figure it ou', na?" The smirk he gave was less then encourageing to Duo but a ride would have been good seeing as the bar he wanted to go to was further away then a nights walk could have done for him. Taking the offer Duo got into the old and quite beaten up green sundance. He just needed some time to himself and if Will was willing to help then, no matter how much he hated the guy, he wasn't going to stop him. The car screetched out of the parking lot and they went flying down the roads.

Duo was thankful for the quietness of the car ride but then was almost diappointed about it as well. He wanted to talk but didn't want to be the one to initiate it, starting a conversation with Will was starting a fuse to a bomb: unsafe beyone all belief. Keeping his eyes from the obvious drugs, alcohol and cigaretts he figured he'd be able to get rid of his urge to return to old habits.

"Wanna smoke? 'is a Camel" Will interrupted the boys concentration with the window and offered a cigarette.

"Uh...Sure what the hell." Grabbing the cigarette he pulled open the glove box to find a lighter. It took him some sifting through money and drugs to finally find one that had fuel in it. Lighting the cigarette he took a giant breath in and let it out slowly, that was the feelign he loved. Looking back at Will he grinned at the guy and then glanced down at the various illegal substances he was drowned in. "Business going well?"

"'is been better. Los' a few dealers ta jail 'n stuff bu' other then tha' I go' plenty ta spare. S'long as ya don' try ta steal any" cracking his knuckles he brought his eyes from Duos back to the road ahead of him, "So where we goin' anyway?"

"I want ta go to a few bars and then I need a ride back to the old place and...well you know what kinds of things I mean" Duo was always uncomfortable to mention old haunts of his group. Espically since in just about every place a person had died while he was supposed to help them. He was not about to bring up the death of two very important people to Will as well as himself.

"Yea, righ' then any bar'll do?" He asked signaling to some cocain at Duos feet, "'Cuz I gotta few places ta bring their orders"

"It doesn't matter to me"

"We 'ave fun tonigh', I promise. Na more beatin' ya up over my drugs. We ge' drunk, high, an' anythin' else ya wan'" Will was being nice to Duo. Needless to say Duo gave the guy an odd look and then figured to not ask. He was grateful that Will was being nice for once yet still became skeptical of what the guy wanted.