There were some moments in life where you would just know that everything would be different afterwards. These moments were different then every other one, there was something special about them. They altered things, utterly and completely. As Haley stood there, her entire body frozen from shock and uncertainty, she knew that right now she was experiencing one of those moments. She knew this because she felt the exact same way she was feeling right now six years ago. It was the moment where things became crystal clear. It was the moment she realized what a fool she had been for the past week.
She actually believed that maybe, Nathan could change. That maybe, she could change. That they could be happy together. That her best friend would accept Nathan. That things would start to go the way she wanted it to. That maybe, she could be happy. And, she was happy. But, as the words traveled from Nathan's mouth to her ears, she realized that she wasn't happy before. Because, happiness was pure. Bliss was something that everyone strived to achieve. It was simple and true. Her happiness was formed from lies and deceit. So, she wasn't happy. It was all fake.
And, she fell for it. Hard.
The dry cleaning slipped from her fingers as Nathan's confirming words pierced through the air. He wanted to kiss Caitlin because he knew it would hurt her. Because he didn't want to be the only one hurting. Because he wanted her to feel how he was feeling. Because, misery loved company.
She supposed she was an easy target. She was easy to hurt. She was there for Nathan, at his every beck and call. Even after so many years, she still ran to him when he needed help. She suppressed the urge to laugh at herself. God, how could she be so stupid? Shaking her head, Haley stopped herself from reanalyzing her actions because she knew in the end, she would only be berating herself even further and right now, she had to be strong. She refused to let Nathan see that he hurt her. Because, after all, that was what he wanted.
Haley took in a deep breath and walked into the living room where Nathan and Caitlin stood frozen, looking at her, expecting some sort of reaction or movement before they made any further movements themselves. Her brown eyes scanned the room and met Caitlin's, seeing the genuine apology in her eyes. Why didn't Caitlin tell her about this? Haley knew that Caitlin never liked Nathan very much in the first place and so, she supposed that of course, Caitlin would let her know something about his actions, especially something like this. But, her own best friend kept something from her.. secrets, lies, deceit... It was all crumbling down on her now and Haley couldn't help but be confused. How did this kiss come to be? What else had they done together? What else were they keeping from her? She didn't know anything for certain anymore and she wasn't entirely positive she wanted to.
Haley looked back at the open door and resisted the urge to run through it and just fade into the background of New York City, away from the lies of her best friend and the man she was once in love with. The man that she knew she could very easily fall in love with once again. Perhaps, she had already started falling. And, she found it so very hard to stop. She glanced up at him and Haley knew right there and then that she wouldn't stop falling in love with him, even after she asked him to leave, which she knew she would do. And, even after he left New York for good, she would still be falling, perhaps even harder. Because, she had already been through this, six years ago. Nathan had messed up so many times and each and every time, Haley would forgive him. And, after each mistake, she would keep falling.. harder and harder. She promised herself after their break up that she would never fall into another relationship like that.
But, she did. And the ironic thing was, it was the same exact relationship.
She was like one of those girls that she looked down upon and thought were naively stupid. The girl that would always go crawling back to the guy that hurt her, over and over again. And, this time, Nathan didn't hurt her by mistake, he did it intentionally. Did he regret it? It shouldn't even matter at this point but Haley still wanted to know, perhaps, for her own peace of mind. She needed to know if her feelings and emotions even meant a small bit to him or was she simply just a fun pastime, maybe someone to help him move on from Brooke. She stopped herself from going any further, knowing the questions would only hurt herself even more. The person she needed to ask these questions was not her, but Nathan. And, she wouldn't ask Nathan. She would never ask Nathan. She was scared and she also didn't want to know the true answer, afraid that the harsh reality of it all might destroy her for good.
She was already emotionally weak at the moment and she couldn't handle any more hurt. She thought that things would be happier, be different and that maybe, she and Nathan could be happy together. But, Haley saw that now, it would never be. Too much has happened between them and they could never capture what they had in high school. Too much innocence had been lost and too much heartache had been gained. She could continue pretending like she had been doing for the past week, try to move on and maybe forget the memories. But, she saw that she couldn't. They couldn't. Because, they couldn't ignore it... everything would always be there to haunt them.
They had messed up too much. And, the trust was gone.
"Haley..."
She looked up to see Nathan's apologetic face and she could tell he was trying his best to make the situation better. Maybe do some damage control but he knew her and he knew that there was nothing he could do. It would all be pointless in the end. Haley simply shook her head, her arms hanging limply at her side as she walked in the direction of her room.
"Just leave."
--
Nathan found it slightly amusing that he wasn't attracting more attention. After all, it wasn't everyday you say someone walk down a busy sidewalk with what seemed like all their belongings. But, then again, he was in New York and nothing surprised New Yorkers.
He was trying his best to keep his mind off of what had just happened. True, denial wasn't the best policy but right now, he couldn't think about the situation, Haley, Caitlin or even Brooke because if he did, things would get even messier and he needed a clear head right now. He needed to fix things. He didn't want to let Haley slip through his fingers once again like she did six years ago. He had her back for a few sweet days and now, she was gone again. All because of one small kiss that never happened.
He knew why she was mad though and why Caitlin practically demanded that he tell her. It wasn't the fact that it was a kiss, it was the whole idea of it. That Nathan wanted Haley to hurt because he was down and out himself. That he wanted to use Caitlin, the girl that he knew was best friends with the woman that he used to love and perhaps still did, to hurt Haley. The end result was not Caitlin's fault though she did have a large part in it... it was his. If he hadn't made a move to kiss Caitlin, none of this would've happened in the first place.
So many if's and maybe's. He was getting tired of them.
Nathan found his anger slowly rising and he wanted so badly to just strike out and take his frustrations out on the next willing stranger but he knew that if he did, things would only be worse. And, any sort of hope of a reconciliation with Haley would dissipate immediately. He wasn't even sure there was hope at this point but he knew he couldn't make it worse. Even if he thought it couldn't get worse, which he did at this point, he knew it could. That sort of belief was what got him into this mess in the first place. He wasn't stupid enough to make the same mistake twice again.
His hands slipped into his jacket pocket as his head leaned back slightly, his eyes glancing up at the sky, his heart wishing for some sort of sign. Just something to make things better. The tips of his fingers met with the smooth paper of an envelope. Nathan frowned briefly before he took the envelope out of his pocket and examined it quickly. Tickets. Plane tickets. He and Brooke's. Checking the date, he realized that he had scheduled for them to leave in two days. The idea of him leaving New York and Haley had barely entered his mind for the past week, until now. He had completely forgotten. Nathan frowned. Was this the sign that he had been asking for?
Leave. Was that what he was supposed to do?
--
Brooke pushed the covers off of her and she crawled off the hard mattress of the hotel bed. She never could get used to living from hotel to hotel whenever she would do a shoot at some exotic location. She was grateful that she wasn't booked for any other modeling job until the next season. She yawned tiredly as she stumbled into the bathroom, going through her daily morning routine. Something different happened this time though. Something interrupted the normalness she managed to somewhat achieve.
A doorbell.
Brooke frowned at the sound, knowing she didn't make any plans with Caitlin today. She was going to call her to see if she wanted to go out to lunch, maybe Caitlin was thinking the same thing and just decided to surprise her earlier. Shrugging, Brooke walked to the door, opening it up without any hesitance. She wanted to smack herself silly for that mistake.
"Nathan."
--
Nathan stood there for a few waiting moments, silent and still, his planned words suddenly disappearing from his mind and his physical self was left in front of Brooke's hotel room, quiet and frozen. Needless to say, it was a bit awkward at that moment. She looked at him, shocked and expectantly and he wondered to himself why he decided to visit her now, if at all. They were over but things were still tense.
Many things were left unsettled and unsaid. He had a feeling Brooke was okay with that since digging up old memories was something that neither liked to do. With Haley, it was worth effort. It was too bad he couldn't say the same for Brooke. He looked at her now and knew that he didn't love her. He wasn't in love with her and he wanted to say that at some point he was but just didn't want to admit it to himself. But, he couldn't.
Because, it wasn't true. He couldn't feel guilty for that. He felt guilty for the way he treated her but he couldn't feel guilty for not loving her. He couldn't force these emotions inside him, he knew that more then ever now. He couldn't make himself stop loving Haley. And, he couldn't make himself love Brooke.
The thoughts and words slowly drifted back into his head and Nathan sighed heavily, knowing the coming encounter would be more then just awkward. He held up a ticket and handed it over to Brooke. She took it quietly and read over it before she looked up at him, ripping the ticket in half, throwing the pieces back in his face.
"I'm not leaving."
Nathan flinched and looked down, knowing he deserved her cold attitude towards him and probably more. He nodded, "I didn't think you would. But, I am."
"Okay," she said, forcing a tone of passiveness into her voice. She didn't want to still care for him. She wasn't supposed to. They were over, her feelings were supposed to be gone but they were still there, hanging over her. And, she wanted so badly to just reach over and kiss him and try to make things better. Make things fine again. But, she knew now that it wouldn't happen that way.
She wasn't Haley. She wasn't what he wanted. As hard as that was for her to accept, she knew she had to. She was beginning to, which was a start. She was a long way from the finish line but she was getting there. Brooke supposed that was better then nothing.
"I'm staying at the Four Seasons," Nathan said slowly, "If you wanted to-" He paused and looked at her before sighing, his sentence trailing off. "Never mind then."
Brooke remained quiet, staring at him with expecting eyes.
"I'm s-"
"Don't," she said, stopping him. She held up a hand, a small laugh erupting from her throat, "Just don't apologize. I don't think I can handle it if you did." She looked away and leaned against the door, "Just go."
Nathan flinched at the command, the words bringing back memories of the day before. He sighed and turned to walk away but stopped himself. He couldn't leave it at that. She deserved more then that. She deserved more then him. "I know you don't want me to say it," he looked at her with honest eyes, "But, just know that I am."
Brooke bit her lower lip, trying her best to hold back tears as she blinked hard. "Yeah, okay," she said, her voice cracking. "Please, go," she forced out, thankful that he finally began to walk away. She watched as he walked into the elevator, staring at her until the elevator doors closed. It was only then that she let herself break down. She closed the door and leaned against it, the tears flowing down her cheeks as a few sobs escaped from her mouth.
--
Caitlin tapped her fingers against the kitchen table as she moved her spoon around her cereal bowl, pushing the milky substance against the plastic of the bowl. She took a sip of her orange juice and sighed, wanting to get up and knock on Haley's door, knowing that she had already woken up. She glanced up at the clock and saw that it had been a half hour since Haley had woken. She had cluttered around the room but never left it and Caitlin knew it had something to do with her. A whole lot of something.
She looked down at the table, her spirits down as she wished for a fix to the problems that had suddenly arisen. In a span of a few days, her friendship with Haley had begun to fade and now it was dissipating quickly. She wanted to stop it. She didn't want to lose Haley as a best friend but she didn't know what to do. She didn't want to mess up and have Haley ignore her and in the process, lose her as a friend for life. So, she remained at a stand still, not knowing what else to do.
Was she wrong for wanting Nathan to tell Haley the truth? She didn't think so. After all, she was just looking out for her best friend's interests. She didn't want Haley to get hurt again. She didn't want Haley to revert back to the way she was when she first met her, all broken and quiet about her past relationships. Caitlin saw the way Nathan broke Haley down, bit by bit, and wormed his way back into her heart and that scared Caitlin because it just proved how much of a hold he had over Haley. Caitlin sighed, she never wanted Haley to find out in that manner though. She knew that Haley was happy with him, though she has to grudgingly admit this to herself. Haley hadn't smiled that way in so long. The way someone looked when they were falling in love, in this case, all over again. Caitlin sighed, the confusion filling her mind as she looked at Haley's closed door longingly. She wished she could just make herself get up and knock on the door and just talk to her. Haley was her best friend after all, it should've been simple.
But, it wasn't.
Caitlin pushed her cereal bowl away from her in frustration of her helplessness. She hated feeling that way, the loss of control and the utter loneliness she was feeling at the moment. She stood up slowly and dumped the leftover cereal into the sink, watching as it slid down metal of the sink into the drain. She turned on the faucet and washed the bowl and spoon, her eyes glued on the wall, never noticing the scalding water pounding down on her sensitive skin. When she finally snapped back to reality, she dropped the bowl in pain and quickly turned off the faucet, shaking her hands free from moisture. She was so confused and disoriented. God, she was a mess.
Caitlin looked down at herself and shook her head. She couldn't stay in the apartment, just staring at Haley's door, wishing for it to open. She was a woman of action. When she wanted things done, she didn't just sit around and wait for someone to drop from the sky and do it for her, she did it all herself. That was the way she was and the way she had always been. But, when it came to Haley, when it came to her best friend who she truly cared for, things were different. She was cautious. But, cautious didn't fix things. It just stalled things.
Caitlin stuffed her keys into her jeans as she scribbled a note to Haley, leaving it on the kitchen table, leaving the apartment quickly afterwards.
A few moments after the sound of the apartment door clicking shut, Haley emerged from her room. Her face was pale but held an air of strength. Her eyes scanned the room, searching for Caitlin's whereabouts. She walked into the kitchen and picked up the note, her eyes reading over it quickly, the resolve fading from her face. She sighed heavily before crumpling up the note, throwing it into the trash can before she turned around, walking back into her room, shutting the door quietly.
--
Brooke leaned back against the wooden door, closing her eyes tightly as she wished the tears to stop. She jumped from surprise when she heard a sudden but quick knock on the door. She paused for a moment, about to ignore it when it came again. Sniffling, she wiped her eyes and stood up, opening the door, "Nathan, I told you-"
"Nathan?" Caitlin asked in confusion before she took a step into the hotel room, "Oh, god, what did he do now?" Her eyes narrowed, "Have you been crying?"
"It's nothing," Brooke mumbled as she moved to close the door, staring down at the carpet.
"It's not nothing," Caitlin insisted as she walked into the hotel room, sitting on the unmade bed as she looked at Brooke intently, "What'd he do?"
Brooke sighed as she shrugged weakly, "He came over and gave me my plane ticket. I ripped it up and threw it back in his face," she mustered up a small smile, "And, then he told me he was leaving and left."
"No apologies?"
Brooke paused for a moment before she looked away, falling onto the bed with a slight bounce, "You don't plan to let this one go, do you?"
Caitlin looked at her apologetically, "I'm sorry. I'm nosy, I know but I just worry and there was this whole drama between Haley and Nathan. She finally found out."
"About what?"
"How he almost kissed me and it's just," Caitlin sighed heavily, "Rough right now. Haley's kind of trapped herself inside her room. I'm worried about her but I can't do anything."
"I know the feeling," Brooke said as her eyes stared blankly at the wall. They remained in a mutual silence for a few moments before Brooke spoke once again, "I just don't understand why he would come visit me before he left. I thought he stopped caring," she paused, "If he ever cared at all."
"Do you think it was genuine?"
"Yeah," Brooke said unsurely, "I don't know. I'd rather not think about it right now." She bit her lower lip before leaning back against the headboard, "So, you want to go out for lunch or something?"
"Actually," Caitlin looked at her with nervous eyes, "I don't think I have the time. I umm, need your help with something."
"With what?"
"I need to find Nathan."
"You need to what?" ' Caitlin held up her hand and nodded, "I know, kind of unexpected and weird coming from me."
"Yeah," Brooke interrupted, "To say the least."
"Let me finish." She glanced away, "I know you think he's a bastard and I do too but he's the bastard that my best friend's in love with. I don't know if what I'm about to do is right but I can't just sit around waiting for something to happen. I can't just let him leave and watch as Haley drowns herself in her sorrows. She's already starting to break away and she won't talk to me. Nathan is the one that threw her into this and he's the only one that can bring her back."
Brooke looked at her incredulously, "Why are you getting into their business like this? You're just putting yourself in the middle and who's to say it'll even work? It might make things worse."
"I can't sit here and play guessing games. I need to do," Caitlin sighed in frustration, "Something. A part of this is my fault to and I can't stand the fact that I'm part of the reason why my best friend is miserable," she admitted.
"So, you're feeling guilty and you're willing to take a major risk?" Brooke shook her head unbelievingly, "This has nothing to do with you. This is between Haley and Nathan. They're the ones that have to fix this mess that they're in. Not you."
"It doesn't mean I can't help."
"You've helped enough, Caitlin," Brooke argued, "There's nothing else you can do."
"So, you won't help me?"
"I'm done with them." Brooke said decisively, "I'm done with Haley and Nathan and just, everything." She backed away, her hands help up in defeat, "I'm done."
Caitlin looked down in disappointment before she got off the bed, "Okay, I understand and I don't blame you." She sighed heavily before walking towards the door.
Brooke's eyes followed her movements and she felt a pang of uncertainty in her heart. "Wait," she called out before she shook her head, knowing she was about to make a mistake. "He's staying at the Four Seasons. That's all I know."
A small smile emerged onto Caitlin's face as she nodded her thanks, quickly exiting the hotel room.
"I hope you know what you're doing."
--
Caitlin tapped her fingertips against her jeans as she sat in the lobby of the Four Seasons, pondering her next move. She was here. She was in the same building as Nathan Scott and yet she couldn't bring herself to do what she had originally planned to do. She was so close to fixing the mistakes that she had made. All she had to do was find Nathan and bring him back to Haley and then.. she didn't know what would happen then but it would be a start and she couldn't just wait for things to happen because she knew they never would. Haley would never come here and find Nathan without a push, if at all. And, Nathan would never go back to the apartment and he was leaving soon, according to Brooke.
Thus, she had to do something. The question was, what the hell was she going to do? She couldn't exactly go around the hotel, knocking on random doors and hope that the next one would be Nathan's. And, even if she happen to get lucky, what was she going to do then? She knew she wasn't Nathan's favorite person at the moment and he sure as hell wasn't hers. She couldn't convince him to go back with her. Who was to say he would want to anyway?
Letting out a heavy sigh, Caitlin pushed the hair out of her face, fed up with her own thoughts, as she walked with false confidence to the main desk. She flashed what she hoped was a charming smile at the clerk, her eyes glancing down at his name tag, "Hello, James. Can you please give me the room number for a Mr. Nathan Scott?"
James paused for a moment, sending her an uncertain look, "We're not allowed to-"
"Oh, I know, privacy issues," she interrupted before she could finish, "But, I'm his fiancé and I wanted to give him a little surprise. He doesn't even know I'm here," Caitlin lied easily and smoothly. "I'm not asking for a key, just a number." She finished with another smile, keeping it on, hoping she would crack him. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes at the clerk's uncertainty. Damn, just make a choice already! Her cheeks were starting to hurt.
"Alright," he ceded, his fingers flying over the keyboard as he focused on the monitor, "Mr. Nathan Scott is in Room No. 245. The elevators are that way," he pointed straight behind her.
Caitlin clicked her tongue against the side of her mouth as she grinned, "Thanks, James. I owe you." She whipped around and strode across the lobby floor, entering a just closing elevator. She cleared her throat nervously as she let out a sigh, her shaky hand going up to press the button labeled 2. It glowed back at her and she stared at it for a few moments until the elevator reached the floor. Why the heck was she so nervous? Nathan didn't matter to her. It shouldn't make any difference to her. But, Nathan mattered to Haley. And, Haley mattered to her. In a winding chain, Nathan had a connection to her and she couldn't mess this up.
She took a few cautious steps, out the elevator and onto the carpeted floor of the hallway. It was empty and for that she was grateful. She didn't want any curious eyes glancing her way as she simply stood there in the middle of the hallway, unmoving and uncertain of her next action.
A part of her knew that Brooke was right in her words. This situation was between Nathan and Haley and it was true that they should be the ones to fix things, make a move or something of that sort. Not her. But, she needed to help. She knew this because Nathan would leave and Haley would be miserable. Haley wasn't even speaking to her at the moment and Caitlin was also worried that after Nathan left, Haley would just bury herself in her room, detached from everyone, including her.
That possibility killed a part of her. It scared her. Caitlin nodded to herself, mustering up enough courage and followed the posted directions. She soon found herself in front of Room 245. She lifted her hand, curling it into a fist, about to knock when something stopped her.
This wasn't right.
She couldn't deny that. She wasn't supposed to be here. She wasn't Haley and it wasn't her place to try to fix a problem that wasn't hers. She wanted to help her best friend but this wasn't the way. Brooke was right. She did want a quick fix. She wanted to help but this wasn't the way to do it. She couldn't just push herself in the middle of this when the situation was fragile and complicated enough. Letting out a heavy sigh, she let her hand drop to her side as she backed away, shaking her head.
What was she going to do now?
--
She was reading but she had no idea what.
Haley's eyes reached the page of the book she was holding in the palm of her hand but the words never entered her mind. They were all jumbled now, mixing into a whirlwind of confusion. She couldn't focus on anything now. The only thing that seemed to plague her mind was the forlorn look on Nathan's face as she closed her door and guilt that lied in Caitlin's eyes as she walked away.
She shouldn't feel this. What was this? Guilt? Haley suppressed the urge to laugh at herself. Why the hell was she feeling guilty? She was the victim here. The book fell from her hands and onto the floor yet Haley barely noticed, her thoughts consuming her. It was true though, she did feel bad. She felt bad for what she was doing to herself and what she knew she was putting Nathan and Caitlin through. She wasn't even sure she was angry, just confused and desperate for answers that she feared. She felt.. betrayed? No, that wasn't the right word. She would've felt anger towards the two if she did. She only felt anger towards herself, at her own stupidity for falling so hard again. She felt so helpless and she just wanted to breathe.
It felt like she was suffocating, drowning in pain and she couldn't handle the intensity of it all. She wanted to travel back in time to the few days she spent with Nathan, just ignoring everything else, focused only on each other. She wanted to travel back in time to where she and Caitlin could just sit on the couch and watch TV or discuss the course of their day, laughing and enjoying each other's company.
She just wanted to be happy again.
Why was it so hard? Was she making it hard on herself? Was she the reason why this happiness was kept from her? Maybe, it was. Maybe, she was acting like Nathan now, refusing to get up when pushed down. She was never like that before. Though she was never the type of person to strike first, she would always fight back and stand her ground when she was attacked. So, why was she giving up now?
Was that even what it was, giving up? It sure seemed like it. She was shutting herself out from life and Nathan was right. She was running away again. It seemed like that was what she always did. She was pushing herself further and further into the depths of isolation because she was confused and hurt. Instead of pushing back and trying to fix things, she was giving up because she was tired. And, she was scared. And, she didn't know if she had the strength to fix things again. She wanted happiness, but what was the price for it?
Haley buried her head into her hands, her fingers digging into her scalp, trying her best to sort out her thoughts, not even noticing when Caitlin stepped through the door.
Caitlin stood frozen yet again in place, surprised that Haley was in front of her instead of locked away in her room. The surprise quickly faded as Caitlin saw what position Haley was in. She moved forward and cleared her throat, her tone soft, "Are you okay?"
Stupid question. Caitlin inwardly smacked herself upside the head.
Haley laughed quietly at the question, shrugging, "I don't know anymore."
Caitlin could hear the truth shining through in her dull tone and resisted the urge to flinch. What happened to Haley? What did she, as the supposed best friend, do to her? She was so... different.
Before the past two weeks, Haley was strong, confident and on the path to success at her new job. She was fun and goofy but she was always closed up inside. She didn't date much and she never gave her heart away. Then, Nathan came and turned her world upside down.
And, what was Haley's description now?
As Caitlin watched her through pained eyes, she saw how raw and broken.. how confused she was. And, she wanted to just reach out and hold her.. and help her. Caitlin took a step forward, kneeling down beside Haley, taking her hands in her own and gripped her tightly. "I'm sorry."
The statement was simple. But, it was enough.
She actually believed that maybe, Nathan could change. That maybe, she could change. That they could be happy together. That her best friend would accept Nathan. That things would start to go the way she wanted it to. That maybe, she could be happy. And, she was happy. But, as the words traveled from Nathan's mouth to her ears, she realized that she wasn't happy before. Because, happiness was pure. Bliss was something that everyone strived to achieve. It was simple and true. Her happiness was formed from lies and deceit. So, she wasn't happy. It was all fake.
And, she fell for it. Hard.
The dry cleaning slipped from her fingers as Nathan's confirming words pierced through the air. He wanted to kiss Caitlin because he knew it would hurt her. Because he didn't want to be the only one hurting. Because he wanted her to feel how he was feeling. Because, misery loved company.
She supposed she was an easy target. She was easy to hurt. She was there for Nathan, at his every beck and call. Even after so many years, she still ran to him when he needed help. She suppressed the urge to laugh at herself. God, how could she be so stupid? Shaking her head, Haley stopped herself from reanalyzing her actions because she knew in the end, she would only be berating herself even further and right now, she had to be strong. She refused to let Nathan see that he hurt her. Because, after all, that was what he wanted.
Haley took in a deep breath and walked into the living room where Nathan and Caitlin stood frozen, looking at her, expecting some sort of reaction or movement before they made any further movements themselves. Her brown eyes scanned the room and met Caitlin's, seeing the genuine apology in her eyes. Why didn't Caitlin tell her about this? Haley knew that Caitlin never liked Nathan very much in the first place and so, she supposed that of course, Caitlin would let her know something about his actions, especially something like this. But, her own best friend kept something from her.. secrets, lies, deceit... It was all crumbling down on her now and Haley couldn't help but be confused. How did this kiss come to be? What else had they done together? What else were they keeping from her? She didn't know anything for certain anymore and she wasn't entirely positive she wanted to.
Haley looked back at the open door and resisted the urge to run through it and just fade into the background of New York City, away from the lies of her best friend and the man she was once in love with. The man that she knew she could very easily fall in love with once again. Perhaps, she had already started falling. And, she found it so very hard to stop. She glanced up at him and Haley knew right there and then that she wouldn't stop falling in love with him, even after she asked him to leave, which she knew she would do. And, even after he left New York for good, she would still be falling, perhaps even harder. Because, she had already been through this, six years ago. Nathan had messed up so many times and each and every time, Haley would forgive him. And, after each mistake, she would keep falling.. harder and harder. She promised herself after their break up that she would never fall into another relationship like that.
But, she did. And the ironic thing was, it was the same exact relationship.
She was like one of those girls that she looked down upon and thought were naively stupid. The girl that would always go crawling back to the guy that hurt her, over and over again. And, this time, Nathan didn't hurt her by mistake, he did it intentionally. Did he regret it? It shouldn't even matter at this point but Haley still wanted to know, perhaps, for her own peace of mind. She needed to know if her feelings and emotions even meant a small bit to him or was she simply just a fun pastime, maybe someone to help him move on from Brooke. She stopped herself from going any further, knowing the questions would only hurt herself even more. The person she needed to ask these questions was not her, but Nathan. And, she wouldn't ask Nathan. She would never ask Nathan. She was scared and she also didn't want to know the true answer, afraid that the harsh reality of it all might destroy her for good.
She was already emotionally weak at the moment and she couldn't handle any more hurt. She thought that things would be happier, be different and that maybe, she and Nathan could be happy together. But, Haley saw that now, it would never be. Too much has happened between them and they could never capture what they had in high school. Too much innocence had been lost and too much heartache had been gained. She could continue pretending like she had been doing for the past week, try to move on and maybe forget the memories. But, she saw that she couldn't. They couldn't. Because, they couldn't ignore it... everything would always be there to haunt them.
They had messed up too much. And, the trust was gone.
"Haley..."
She looked up to see Nathan's apologetic face and she could tell he was trying his best to make the situation better. Maybe do some damage control but he knew her and he knew that there was nothing he could do. It would all be pointless in the end. Haley simply shook her head, her arms hanging limply at her side as she walked in the direction of her room.
"Just leave."
--
Nathan found it slightly amusing that he wasn't attracting more attention. After all, it wasn't everyday you say someone walk down a busy sidewalk with what seemed like all their belongings. But, then again, he was in New York and nothing surprised New Yorkers.
He was trying his best to keep his mind off of what had just happened. True, denial wasn't the best policy but right now, he couldn't think about the situation, Haley, Caitlin or even Brooke because if he did, things would get even messier and he needed a clear head right now. He needed to fix things. He didn't want to let Haley slip through his fingers once again like she did six years ago. He had her back for a few sweet days and now, she was gone again. All because of one small kiss that never happened.
He knew why she was mad though and why Caitlin practically demanded that he tell her. It wasn't the fact that it was a kiss, it was the whole idea of it. That Nathan wanted Haley to hurt because he was down and out himself. That he wanted to use Caitlin, the girl that he knew was best friends with the woman that he used to love and perhaps still did, to hurt Haley. The end result was not Caitlin's fault though she did have a large part in it... it was his. If he hadn't made a move to kiss Caitlin, none of this would've happened in the first place.
So many if's and maybe's. He was getting tired of them.
Nathan found his anger slowly rising and he wanted so badly to just strike out and take his frustrations out on the next willing stranger but he knew that if he did, things would only be worse. And, any sort of hope of a reconciliation with Haley would dissipate immediately. He wasn't even sure there was hope at this point but he knew he couldn't make it worse. Even if he thought it couldn't get worse, which he did at this point, he knew it could. That sort of belief was what got him into this mess in the first place. He wasn't stupid enough to make the same mistake twice again.
His hands slipped into his jacket pocket as his head leaned back slightly, his eyes glancing up at the sky, his heart wishing for some sort of sign. Just something to make things better. The tips of his fingers met with the smooth paper of an envelope. Nathan frowned briefly before he took the envelope out of his pocket and examined it quickly. Tickets. Plane tickets. He and Brooke's. Checking the date, he realized that he had scheduled for them to leave in two days. The idea of him leaving New York and Haley had barely entered his mind for the past week, until now. He had completely forgotten. Nathan frowned. Was this the sign that he had been asking for?
Leave. Was that what he was supposed to do?
--
Brooke pushed the covers off of her and she crawled off the hard mattress of the hotel bed. She never could get used to living from hotel to hotel whenever she would do a shoot at some exotic location. She was grateful that she wasn't booked for any other modeling job until the next season. She yawned tiredly as she stumbled into the bathroom, going through her daily morning routine. Something different happened this time though. Something interrupted the normalness she managed to somewhat achieve.
A doorbell.
Brooke frowned at the sound, knowing she didn't make any plans with Caitlin today. She was going to call her to see if she wanted to go out to lunch, maybe Caitlin was thinking the same thing and just decided to surprise her earlier. Shrugging, Brooke walked to the door, opening it up without any hesitance. She wanted to smack herself silly for that mistake.
"Nathan."
--
Nathan stood there for a few waiting moments, silent and still, his planned words suddenly disappearing from his mind and his physical self was left in front of Brooke's hotel room, quiet and frozen. Needless to say, it was a bit awkward at that moment. She looked at him, shocked and expectantly and he wondered to himself why he decided to visit her now, if at all. They were over but things were still tense.
Many things were left unsettled and unsaid. He had a feeling Brooke was okay with that since digging up old memories was something that neither liked to do. With Haley, it was worth effort. It was too bad he couldn't say the same for Brooke. He looked at her now and knew that he didn't love her. He wasn't in love with her and he wanted to say that at some point he was but just didn't want to admit it to himself. But, he couldn't.
Because, it wasn't true. He couldn't feel guilty for that. He felt guilty for the way he treated her but he couldn't feel guilty for not loving her. He couldn't force these emotions inside him, he knew that more then ever now. He couldn't make himself stop loving Haley. And, he couldn't make himself love Brooke.
The thoughts and words slowly drifted back into his head and Nathan sighed heavily, knowing the coming encounter would be more then just awkward. He held up a ticket and handed it over to Brooke. She took it quietly and read over it before she looked up at him, ripping the ticket in half, throwing the pieces back in his face.
"I'm not leaving."
Nathan flinched and looked down, knowing he deserved her cold attitude towards him and probably more. He nodded, "I didn't think you would. But, I am."
"Okay," she said, forcing a tone of passiveness into her voice. She didn't want to still care for him. She wasn't supposed to. They were over, her feelings were supposed to be gone but they were still there, hanging over her. And, she wanted so badly to just reach over and kiss him and try to make things better. Make things fine again. But, she knew now that it wouldn't happen that way.
She wasn't Haley. She wasn't what he wanted. As hard as that was for her to accept, she knew she had to. She was beginning to, which was a start. She was a long way from the finish line but she was getting there. Brooke supposed that was better then nothing.
"I'm staying at the Four Seasons," Nathan said slowly, "If you wanted to-" He paused and looked at her before sighing, his sentence trailing off. "Never mind then."
Brooke remained quiet, staring at him with expecting eyes.
"I'm s-"
"Don't," she said, stopping him. She held up a hand, a small laugh erupting from her throat, "Just don't apologize. I don't think I can handle it if you did." She looked away and leaned against the door, "Just go."
Nathan flinched at the command, the words bringing back memories of the day before. He sighed and turned to walk away but stopped himself. He couldn't leave it at that. She deserved more then that. She deserved more then him. "I know you don't want me to say it," he looked at her with honest eyes, "But, just know that I am."
Brooke bit her lower lip, trying her best to hold back tears as she blinked hard. "Yeah, okay," she said, her voice cracking. "Please, go," she forced out, thankful that he finally began to walk away. She watched as he walked into the elevator, staring at her until the elevator doors closed. It was only then that she let herself break down. She closed the door and leaned against it, the tears flowing down her cheeks as a few sobs escaped from her mouth.
--
Caitlin tapped her fingers against the kitchen table as she moved her spoon around her cereal bowl, pushing the milky substance against the plastic of the bowl. She took a sip of her orange juice and sighed, wanting to get up and knock on Haley's door, knowing that she had already woken up. She glanced up at the clock and saw that it had been a half hour since Haley had woken. She had cluttered around the room but never left it and Caitlin knew it had something to do with her. A whole lot of something.
She looked down at the table, her spirits down as she wished for a fix to the problems that had suddenly arisen. In a span of a few days, her friendship with Haley had begun to fade and now it was dissipating quickly. She wanted to stop it. She didn't want to lose Haley as a best friend but she didn't know what to do. She didn't want to mess up and have Haley ignore her and in the process, lose her as a friend for life. So, she remained at a stand still, not knowing what else to do.
Was she wrong for wanting Nathan to tell Haley the truth? She didn't think so. After all, she was just looking out for her best friend's interests. She didn't want Haley to get hurt again. She didn't want Haley to revert back to the way she was when she first met her, all broken and quiet about her past relationships. Caitlin saw the way Nathan broke Haley down, bit by bit, and wormed his way back into her heart and that scared Caitlin because it just proved how much of a hold he had over Haley. Caitlin sighed, she never wanted Haley to find out in that manner though. She knew that Haley was happy with him, though she has to grudgingly admit this to herself. Haley hadn't smiled that way in so long. The way someone looked when they were falling in love, in this case, all over again. Caitlin sighed, the confusion filling her mind as she looked at Haley's closed door longingly. She wished she could just make herself get up and knock on the door and just talk to her. Haley was her best friend after all, it should've been simple.
But, it wasn't.
Caitlin pushed her cereal bowl away from her in frustration of her helplessness. She hated feeling that way, the loss of control and the utter loneliness she was feeling at the moment. She stood up slowly and dumped the leftover cereal into the sink, watching as it slid down metal of the sink into the drain. She turned on the faucet and washed the bowl and spoon, her eyes glued on the wall, never noticing the scalding water pounding down on her sensitive skin. When she finally snapped back to reality, she dropped the bowl in pain and quickly turned off the faucet, shaking her hands free from moisture. She was so confused and disoriented. God, she was a mess.
Caitlin looked down at herself and shook her head. She couldn't stay in the apartment, just staring at Haley's door, wishing for it to open. She was a woman of action. When she wanted things done, she didn't just sit around and wait for someone to drop from the sky and do it for her, she did it all herself. That was the way she was and the way she had always been. But, when it came to Haley, when it came to her best friend who she truly cared for, things were different. She was cautious. But, cautious didn't fix things. It just stalled things.
Caitlin stuffed her keys into her jeans as she scribbled a note to Haley, leaving it on the kitchen table, leaving the apartment quickly afterwards.
A few moments after the sound of the apartment door clicking shut, Haley emerged from her room. Her face was pale but held an air of strength. Her eyes scanned the room, searching for Caitlin's whereabouts. She walked into the kitchen and picked up the note, her eyes reading over it quickly, the resolve fading from her face. She sighed heavily before crumpling up the note, throwing it into the trash can before she turned around, walking back into her room, shutting the door quietly.
--
Brooke leaned back against the wooden door, closing her eyes tightly as she wished the tears to stop. She jumped from surprise when she heard a sudden but quick knock on the door. She paused for a moment, about to ignore it when it came again. Sniffling, she wiped her eyes and stood up, opening the door, "Nathan, I told you-"
"Nathan?" Caitlin asked in confusion before she took a step into the hotel room, "Oh, god, what did he do now?" Her eyes narrowed, "Have you been crying?"
"It's nothing," Brooke mumbled as she moved to close the door, staring down at the carpet.
"It's not nothing," Caitlin insisted as she walked into the hotel room, sitting on the unmade bed as she looked at Brooke intently, "What'd he do?"
Brooke sighed as she shrugged weakly, "He came over and gave me my plane ticket. I ripped it up and threw it back in his face," she mustered up a small smile, "And, then he told me he was leaving and left."
"No apologies?"
Brooke paused for a moment before she looked away, falling onto the bed with a slight bounce, "You don't plan to let this one go, do you?"
Caitlin looked at her apologetically, "I'm sorry. I'm nosy, I know but I just worry and there was this whole drama between Haley and Nathan. She finally found out."
"About what?"
"How he almost kissed me and it's just," Caitlin sighed heavily, "Rough right now. Haley's kind of trapped herself inside her room. I'm worried about her but I can't do anything."
"I know the feeling," Brooke said as her eyes stared blankly at the wall. They remained in a mutual silence for a few moments before Brooke spoke once again, "I just don't understand why he would come visit me before he left. I thought he stopped caring," she paused, "If he ever cared at all."
"Do you think it was genuine?"
"Yeah," Brooke said unsurely, "I don't know. I'd rather not think about it right now." She bit her lower lip before leaning back against the headboard, "So, you want to go out for lunch or something?"
"Actually," Caitlin looked at her with nervous eyes, "I don't think I have the time. I umm, need your help with something."
"With what?"
"I need to find Nathan."
"You need to what?" ' Caitlin held up her hand and nodded, "I know, kind of unexpected and weird coming from me."
"Yeah," Brooke interrupted, "To say the least."
"Let me finish." She glanced away, "I know you think he's a bastard and I do too but he's the bastard that my best friend's in love with. I don't know if what I'm about to do is right but I can't just sit around waiting for something to happen. I can't just let him leave and watch as Haley drowns herself in her sorrows. She's already starting to break away and she won't talk to me. Nathan is the one that threw her into this and he's the only one that can bring her back."
Brooke looked at her incredulously, "Why are you getting into their business like this? You're just putting yourself in the middle and who's to say it'll even work? It might make things worse."
"I can't sit here and play guessing games. I need to do," Caitlin sighed in frustration, "Something. A part of this is my fault to and I can't stand the fact that I'm part of the reason why my best friend is miserable," she admitted.
"So, you're feeling guilty and you're willing to take a major risk?" Brooke shook her head unbelievingly, "This has nothing to do with you. This is between Haley and Nathan. They're the ones that have to fix this mess that they're in. Not you."
"It doesn't mean I can't help."
"You've helped enough, Caitlin," Brooke argued, "There's nothing else you can do."
"So, you won't help me?"
"I'm done with them." Brooke said decisively, "I'm done with Haley and Nathan and just, everything." She backed away, her hands help up in defeat, "I'm done."
Caitlin looked down in disappointment before she got off the bed, "Okay, I understand and I don't blame you." She sighed heavily before walking towards the door.
Brooke's eyes followed her movements and she felt a pang of uncertainty in her heart. "Wait," she called out before she shook her head, knowing she was about to make a mistake. "He's staying at the Four Seasons. That's all I know."
A small smile emerged onto Caitlin's face as she nodded her thanks, quickly exiting the hotel room.
"I hope you know what you're doing."
--
Caitlin tapped her fingertips against her jeans as she sat in the lobby of the Four Seasons, pondering her next move. She was here. She was in the same building as Nathan Scott and yet she couldn't bring herself to do what she had originally planned to do. She was so close to fixing the mistakes that she had made. All she had to do was find Nathan and bring him back to Haley and then.. she didn't know what would happen then but it would be a start and she couldn't just wait for things to happen because she knew they never would. Haley would never come here and find Nathan without a push, if at all. And, Nathan would never go back to the apartment and he was leaving soon, according to Brooke.
Thus, she had to do something. The question was, what the hell was she going to do? She couldn't exactly go around the hotel, knocking on random doors and hope that the next one would be Nathan's. And, even if she happen to get lucky, what was she going to do then? She knew she wasn't Nathan's favorite person at the moment and he sure as hell wasn't hers. She couldn't convince him to go back with her. Who was to say he would want to anyway?
Letting out a heavy sigh, Caitlin pushed the hair out of her face, fed up with her own thoughts, as she walked with false confidence to the main desk. She flashed what she hoped was a charming smile at the clerk, her eyes glancing down at his name tag, "Hello, James. Can you please give me the room number for a Mr. Nathan Scott?"
James paused for a moment, sending her an uncertain look, "We're not allowed to-"
"Oh, I know, privacy issues," she interrupted before she could finish, "But, I'm his fiancé and I wanted to give him a little surprise. He doesn't even know I'm here," Caitlin lied easily and smoothly. "I'm not asking for a key, just a number." She finished with another smile, keeping it on, hoping she would crack him. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes at the clerk's uncertainty. Damn, just make a choice already! Her cheeks were starting to hurt.
"Alright," he ceded, his fingers flying over the keyboard as he focused on the monitor, "Mr. Nathan Scott is in Room No. 245. The elevators are that way," he pointed straight behind her.
Caitlin clicked her tongue against the side of her mouth as she grinned, "Thanks, James. I owe you." She whipped around and strode across the lobby floor, entering a just closing elevator. She cleared her throat nervously as she let out a sigh, her shaky hand going up to press the button labeled 2. It glowed back at her and she stared at it for a few moments until the elevator reached the floor. Why the heck was she so nervous? Nathan didn't matter to her. It shouldn't make any difference to her. But, Nathan mattered to Haley. And, Haley mattered to her. In a winding chain, Nathan had a connection to her and she couldn't mess this up.
She took a few cautious steps, out the elevator and onto the carpeted floor of the hallway. It was empty and for that she was grateful. She didn't want any curious eyes glancing her way as she simply stood there in the middle of the hallway, unmoving and uncertain of her next action.
A part of her knew that Brooke was right in her words. This situation was between Nathan and Haley and it was true that they should be the ones to fix things, make a move or something of that sort. Not her. But, she needed to help. She knew this because Nathan would leave and Haley would be miserable. Haley wasn't even speaking to her at the moment and Caitlin was also worried that after Nathan left, Haley would just bury herself in her room, detached from everyone, including her.
That possibility killed a part of her. It scared her. Caitlin nodded to herself, mustering up enough courage and followed the posted directions. She soon found herself in front of Room 245. She lifted her hand, curling it into a fist, about to knock when something stopped her.
This wasn't right.
She couldn't deny that. She wasn't supposed to be here. She wasn't Haley and it wasn't her place to try to fix a problem that wasn't hers. She wanted to help her best friend but this wasn't the way. Brooke was right. She did want a quick fix. She wanted to help but this wasn't the way to do it. She couldn't just push herself in the middle of this when the situation was fragile and complicated enough. Letting out a heavy sigh, she let her hand drop to her side as she backed away, shaking her head.
What was she going to do now?
--
She was reading but she had no idea what.
Haley's eyes reached the page of the book she was holding in the palm of her hand but the words never entered her mind. They were all jumbled now, mixing into a whirlwind of confusion. She couldn't focus on anything now. The only thing that seemed to plague her mind was the forlorn look on Nathan's face as she closed her door and guilt that lied in Caitlin's eyes as she walked away.
She shouldn't feel this. What was this? Guilt? Haley suppressed the urge to laugh at herself. Why the hell was she feeling guilty? She was the victim here. The book fell from her hands and onto the floor yet Haley barely noticed, her thoughts consuming her. It was true though, she did feel bad. She felt bad for what she was doing to herself and what she knew she was putting Nathan and Caitlin through. She wasn't even sure she was angry, just confused and desperate for answers that she feared. She felt.. betrayed? No, that wasn't the right word. She would've felt anger towards the two if she did. She only felt anger towards herself, at her own stupidity for falling so hard again. She felt so helpless and she just wanted to breathe.
It felt like she was suffocating, drowning in pain and she couldn't handle the intensity of it all. She wanted to travel back in time to the few days she spent with Nathan, just ignoring everything else, focused only on each other. She wanted to travel back in time to where she and Caitlin could just sit on the couch and watch TV or discuss the course of their day, laughing and enjoying each other's company.
She just wanted to be happy again.
Why was it so hard? Was she making it hard on herself? Was she the reason why this happiness was kept from her? Maybe, it was. Maybe, she was acting like Nathan now, refusing to get up when pushed down. She was never like that before. Though she was never the type of person to strike first, she would always fight back and stand her ground when she was attacked. So, why was she giving up now?
Was that even what it was, giving up? It sure seemed like it. She was shutting herself out from life and Nathan was right. She was running away again. It seemed like that was what she always did. She was pushing herself further and further into the depths of isolation because she was confused and hurt. Instead of pushing back and trying to fix things, she was giving up because she was tired. And, she was scared. And, she didn't know if she had the strength to fix things again. She wanted happiness, but what was the price for it?
Haley buried her head into her hands, her fingers digging into her scalp, trying her best to sort out her thoughts, not even noticing when Caitlin stepped through the door.
Caitlin stood frozen yet again in place, surprised that Haley was in front of her instead of locked away in her room. The surprise quickly faded as Caitlin saw what position Haley was in. She moved forward and cleared her throat, her tone soft, "Are you okay?"
Stupid question. Caitlin inwardly smacked herself upside the head.
Haley laughed quietly at the question, shrugging, "I don't know anymore."
Caitlin could hear the truth shining through in her dull tone and resisted the urge to flinch. What happened to Haley? What did she, as the supposed best friend, do to her? She was so... different.
Before the past two weeks, Haley was strong, confident and on the path to success at her new job. She was fun and goofy but she was always closed up inside. She didn't date much and she never gave her heart away. Then, Nathan came and turned her world upside down.
And, what was Haley's description now?
As Caitlin watched her through pained eyes, she saw how raw and broken.. how confused she was. And, she wanted to just reach out and hold her.. and help her. Caitlin took a step forward, kneeling down beside Haley, taking her hands in her own and gripped her tightly. "I'm sorry."
The statement was simple. But, it was enough.