Haley felt the warmth of Caitlin's embrace and she sniffled, pulling her
best friend closer and hugging her, breaking down in her arms. It felt safe
and familiar. And as Caitlin hugged her tighter, Haley found it hard to
remember why she was ignoring her in the first place. It came back to her
though and she pulled away gently, her eyes brimming with tears.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked softly, cautious, hoping the answer wouldn't shatter her.
"I didn't want to hurt you," Caitlin replied honestly, "I know it was stupid of me but I thought it would be better if he told you. The kiss, it didn't happen and I'm thankful for that."
Haley nodded slightly, a few things cleared up inside her mind as she looked away sadly, "He did it to hurt me though."
"He did it before he got to know you again," Caitlin said, "I remember that night and I remember how cold he was. Like he was numb inside."
"And, how is he now?" Haley asked quietly, "Still the same," she answered her own question, shaking her head in bitter contempt. "I'm so stupid."
"No, don't say that," Caitlin said forcefully, "This isn't your fault." She paused for a moment, debating how to go about her next piece of news, "He apologized to Brooke, you know?"
"What?" Haley's head snapped up in surprise, "He what?"
"Yeah, that was my reaction too."
"What?" Haley found it hard to formulate words, "Why?"
"I think he's trying to," Caitlin paused and sighed, "Change? I guess that's the right word."
"A little late," Haley mumbled.
"But, better then never," she argued back.
Haley's eyes narrowed, "Why are you defending him?"
Caitlin looked at her with nervous eyes, biting her lower lip as she started, "I know that I'm overprotective and that I have control issues. I know that I've been unfair to him and you both. And, I'm trying to make up for that. I know that he makes you happy and that you've smiled much more this past week then you have in all the time that I've known you. And, it ended, partially due to me."
"Okay," Haley said slowly, not denying or agreeing with her words, "And?"
"And," Caitlin paused, letting out a heavy breath, "I want you to have that again. He's really leaving, Haley. He has plane tickets and everything. Don't let him slip away."
Haley stared at Caitlin in utter shock and surprise, never expecting those words to come out of her mouth, of all people. Instead of questioning her for her reasons why, she said simply, "It's too late."
"No, it's not." Caitlin argued, "I know where he's staying, his room number. You could go over there, right now. You can make things better."
"Things aren't going to get better," Haley snapped, "It's the truth. We've tried it, the whole moving on thing. It didn't work. You saw how that worked out."
"Why do you always do this?" Caitlin asked, her voice strained, "You're so close, Haley, so close. And, you're giving up and running away, again." She paused, her tone softer and quieter, "I don't want to see you lock yourself inside your room, crying your heart out again. Do you remember that? For so long, I watched you just tear yourself apart and I wanted to help but I couldn't. Now, I can and I'm going to."
She remained quiet for a few moments, contemplating before she spoke again. "I love him," Haley revealed honestly, Caitlin's words penetrating through her mind, "But it won't work." She laughed harshly, "It never did and it never will."
Caitlin sighed in momentary defeat, "If you really loved him, you wouldn't be saying that."
Haley was slightly taken aback at her words. The truth in them hitting her hard as she slowly stood up, reaching out for a source of stability, her hand finally resting against her hip. Caitlin looked at her intently, hoping that she finally got through to her.
Haley paled significantly as she looked up at Caitlin, desperate for guidance, "What can I do now? Even if I was willing to try."
"You can stop him from leaving," Caitlin said softly, "That would be a start. And, then, work out your problems, now that everything is finally laid out. I'm sure you were getting somewhere before. Just don't," she paused, "don't give up again."
Haley looked away, her mind contemplating all the consequences that could occur if she did go after Nathan and what would happen if she didn't. This was her choice now, she knew. She could go after him and risk heartache and pain but she could finally get the closure she wanted and maybe, finally moving on, with Nathan. She loved him. She was honest to Caitlin and herself when she said it. She knew it when she asked him to leave and she knew it now, as she was mulling over her decision. She loved him, deeply. And, because of that, she knew she forgave him for all his blunders.
Maybe, she shouldn't have and maybe, she would regret it but she did. Because, she loved him.
Haley repeated this to herself as she looked at the open door of her bedroom, a symbol of her life before, of what she was before. Shut out, broken, and alone. Not willing to love again and unwilling to forgive. Who was she now?
The distance she had traveled emotionally had brought her to this point where everything was finally coming to a close. She was near an ending, with either choice but the question was, which one would she pick? It was between something solid and something uncertain. If she chose to stay at the apartment, knowing that Nathan was on a flight, leaving her life forever, she would be free from more additional heartache. From uncertainties and from life. She knew she would shut herself out for a few months before Caitlin would lure her out from her room, picking up the leftover pieces and try her best to make her whole again. She would go on with her life, a part of her always regretting what she never had the nerve to do.
Or, she could go to Nathan's hotel room and ask him to stay. She didn't know if he would. She didn't know if they would work even if he did stay. She didn't know what the future held for her if she chose that path. But, it didn't matter.
Because, that was life and that was love. It was uncertain. It was a rush and it was passionate. It was what Nathan was to her. And, she couldn't lose that.
The realization entered her eyes and Haley looked up at Caitlin, her decision made. Caitlin smiled as she saw Haley's head snap up, her eyes filled with the energy from her epiphany.
"Caitlin..."
"I know," she simply smiled, "The Four Seasons. Room number 245."
Haley reached forward and hugged Caitlin tightly, whispering into her ear, "Thank you." She leaned back and smiled nervously before she ran out the door, heading for the hotel.
Her path ahead was winding and shaky and nothing was concrete. She was not certain if she was making the right now by giving Nathan and them another chance. And, she was not certain if it would end the dream like way she had always imagined. She was not certain if he would love her forever, like he promised so many years ago. And, she was not certain if their feelings for one another would not waver. She was not certain of anything but she was tired of staying in the calm, always wanting to be a part of life but never taking the chance to jump in and live the way she wanted to.
She was no longer an onlooker. She had taken the jump.
She just hoped she would land on solid ground.
--
The hotel room was nice, Nathan supposed. Though at the price he paid for it, it should've been more then just nice. It couldn't have been though, unless the Four Seasons now offered their very own Haley James and he just wasn't aware of it. Nathan sighed as he packed up the last of his things, piling his shirt neatly into the plastic luggage box before zipping it shut. He checked the time. He still had a few minutes before the bell boy was supposed to come up and help with his luggage. He supposed that aspect of the stay was more then nice. It was convenient and easy.
Right now, he wanted to make things as easy as they could get. He sighed heavily as he sat down numbly on the hotel bed, the mattress conforming to his weight. Nathan ran his fingertips down the smooth cotton of the bedding, trying his best to sort out his thoughts. He hadn't stopped thinking. Though the focus of his thoughts had been varied, he found himself thinking about Haley the most and the time he spent with her. He thought about what he did, what he could've done and what he didn't do. The last plagued his mind the most.
All that wasn't done. All that wasn't said.
He didn't tell her the truth and that led him here. He should've learned to be more honest and forthcoming after that but it was so hard to break old habits. Sure, in his head, he'd tell himself what he should do. There was a long distance between should do and actually doing. He seemed to always find himself falling short of that distance. Haley had made him see that he needed to change and that it was possible for him. He just didn't know how. He wasn't entirely sure he was capable of change but in the few days he spent with her, he'd like to believe that he was capable. And, that maybe one day he would be worthy of her.
Because, he knew he wasn't. She was meant to be with someone else. Someone that didn't lie to her. Someone that didn't hurt her. Someone that she could trust. Someone that was stable.
Someone that would stay, be stubborn and profess their love for her.
It was another thing that he didn't do... tell her that he was still in love with her. He thought it was better that she didn't know as it would complicate things even further. Now, he just wished he could tell her, one last time. She didn't have to reply or even react. He just wanted her to know. To know that he was sorry for what he did and didn't do and that his love for her never faded.
He didn't tell her though and now he didn't even have the chance. True, he could've been selfish and stayed, begging for her forgiveness. But, it wasn't what she wanted. She wanted him to leave. He knew he had made many mistakes and he couldn't afford another. He wasn't close to repaying her for her kindness and hope in him, though he let her down in the end. And, he knew, he couldn't make up for all the destruction he'd caused but he could do one thing.
And, that was leave.
Because, she wanted it and he owed it to her, to grant her at least one wish though he wanted to fulfill all of them. He wasn't capable of it and now, he knew that he wasn't the one who was meant for the job of making her dreams and wishes come true. He wanted to be, desperately. He was so close to just breaking down and staying but he couldn't. It wasn't what she wanted. And, he didn't want to hurt her again.
He loved her. So much that he was willing to let her go.
Nathan's head snapped up when he heard the knock on the door. This was his last chance to back out but as he stood up and walked towards the door, he knew his decision was made. He wasn't going to be a coward this time. He would follow through and leave. It was what she wanted, he had to keep reminding himself. Opening the door, he started to talk, not looking up until mid-sentence. "The bags are in there and-"
His voice cut off as he saw who it was. The Four Seasons had exceeded 'nice' as there in front of him was none other then Haley James.
She was quiet for a few moments before she finally cleared her throat, managing a weak, "Hey."
She was nervous. This much he could tell. He didn't even try to hide his surprise as he mustered up a shocked, "Hey," in return. He paused for a moment, staring at her in amazement, "What are you doing here?"
Haley laughed suddenly at his question, shaking her head and looking down at herself, "I'm not sure." She stopped herself and sighed, "No, actually I am. For once, I am." She looked into his eyes, "I don't want you to leave, Nathan."
The declaration added on to the growing list of surprises for Nathan that night as he simply stared at her, dumbstruck. "W-What?" he stuttered. "But, you said-"
"I know." Haley said quickly, interrupting him, "But, I was wrong and I just, I can't let you leave without you knowing that I'm still completely in love with you." And, there it was. Out.
She said what she needed to say and it was up to him now. Haley had been analyzing plenty on the way to the hotel, millions of thoughts and possibilities whizzing through her head. She didn't know if Nathan would leave after her visit but she knew that if he did, she wanted him to know at least that. That she still loved him. She didn't think she could live with herself if she didn't tell him.
Haley felt her breathing stop for a moment as the air suddenly grew thin, and everything became hazy. She could feel the repercussions of her actions hitting her as her mind began to jump to conclusions due to his lack of an answer. It all fled though as the air entered her lungs once again and she was breathing hard, her eyes glazed over. She remained silent.
He should say something. Thousands of different words and phrases ran through his mind as he contemplated his answer. He knew he should say something but he didn't know what he could say or what he was supposed to say. He could feel a tingle inside him but he couldn't put that into words. He wanted to tell her that the feeling was returned but every manner he could express that seemed to fall short. And, he couldn't fall short.. he couldn't mess up, not this time.
And, so he remained silent, staring at her, hoping she would see the answer in his eyes.
She felt dizzy again and had the sudden urge to burst into tears as her proclamation went unanswered. She knew the possibility of this would happen though, she just didn't believe it actually would. She just thought that it would be different. Especially after... she stopped herself, cursing her own stupidity and brash actions. She began to back away before something stopped her.
An interruption.
"Hello, sir," the bellboy said cheerily, unaware of the tension in the air, "You're Mr. Scott, right?"
Nathan was silent for a few dazed moments before he finally replied, "Yeah, yeah."
"I'm here to pick up your luggage," he said, keeping his tone friendly. He moved closer and frowned momentarily when Nathan didn't move. "You are leaving, correct?"
It was another question. More obvious then the last subtle one. It was easier. Nathan smiled, and shook his head, "No, I'm not."
The bellboy frowned at this before he turned to walk away, "Oh, well..."
The rest of his sentence faded away as Nathan kept his eyes fixed on Haley. He smiled at her. She smiled back, relieved.
And, for that moment, things were right again.
--
"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked softly, cautious, hoping the answer wouldn't shatter her.
"I didn't want to hurt you," Caitlin replied honestly, "I know it was stupid of me but I thought it would be better if he told you. The kiss, it didn't happen and I'm thankful for that."
Haley nodded slightly, a few things cleared up inside her mind as she looked away sadly, "He did it to hurt me though."
"He did it before he got to know you again," Caitlin said, "I remember that night and I remember how cold he was. Like he was numb inside."
"And, how is he now?" Haley asked quietly, "Still the same," she answered her own question, shaking her head in bitter contempt. "I'm so stupid."
"No, don't say that," Caitlin said forcefully, "This isn't your fault." She paused for a moment, debating how to go about her next piece of news, "He apologized to Brooke, you know?"
"What?" Haley's head snapped up in surprise, "He what?"
"Yeah, that was my reaction too."
"What?" Haley found it hard to formulate words, "Why?"
"I think he's trying to," Caitlin paused and sighed, "Change? I guess that's the right word."
"A little late," Haley mumbled.
"But, better then never," she argued back.
Haley's eyes narrowed, "Why are you defending him?"
Caitlin looked at her with nervous eyes, biting her lower lip as she started, "I know that I'm overprotective and that I have control issues. I know that I've been unfair to him and you both. And, I'm trying to make up for that. I know that he makes you happy and that you've smiled much more this past week then you have in all the time that I've known you. And, it ended, partially due to me."
"Okay," Haley said slowly, not denying or agreeing with her words, "And?"
"And," Caitlin paused, letting out a heavy breath, "I want you to have that again. He's really leaving, Haley. He has plane tickets and everything. Don't let him slip away."
Haley stared at Caitlin in utter shock and surprise, never expecting those words to come out of her mouth, of all people. Instead of questioning her for her reasons why, she said simply, "It's too late."
"No, it's not." Caitlin argued, "I know where he's staying, his room number. You could go over there, right now. You can make things better."
"Things aren't going to get better," Haley snapped, "It's the truth. We've tried it, the whole moving on thing. It didn't work. You saw how that worked out."
"Why do you always do this?" Caitlin asked, her voice strained, "You're so close, Haley, so close. And, you're giving up and running away, again." She paused, her tone softer and quieter, "I don't want to see you lock yourself inside your room, crying your heart out again. Do you remember that? For so long, I watched you just tear yourself apart and I wanted to help but I couldn't. Now, I can and I'm going to."
She remained quiet for a few moments, contemplating before she spoke again. "I love him," Haley revealed honestly, Caitlin's words penetrating through her mind, "But it won't work." She laughed harshly, "It never did and it never will."
Caitlin sighed in momentary defeat, "If you really loved him, you wouldn't be saying that."
Haley was slightly taken aback at her words. The truth in them hitting her hard as she slowly stood up, reaching out for a source of stability, her hand finally resting against her hip. Caitlin looked at her intently, hoping that she finally got through to her.
Haley paled significantly as she looked up at Caitlin, desperate for guidance, "What can I do now? Even if I was willing to try."
"You can stop him from leaving," Caitlin said softly, "That would be a start. And, then, work out your problems, now that everything is finally laid out. I'm sure you were getting somewhere before. Just don't," she paused, "don't give up again."
Haley looked away, her mind contemplating all the consequences that could occur if she did go after Nathan and what would happen if she didn't. This was her choice now, she knew. She could go after him and risk heartache and pain but she could finally get the closure she wanted and maybe, finally moving on, with Nathan. She loved him. She was honest to Caitlin and herself when she said it. She knew it when she asked him to leave and she knew it now, as she was mulling over her decision. She loved him, deeply. And, because of that, she knew she forgave him for all his blunders.
Maybe, she shouldn't have and maybe, she would regret it but she did. Because, she loved him.
Haley repeated this to herself as she looked at the open door of her bedroom, a symbol of her life before, of what she was before. Shut out, broken, and alone. Not willing to love again and unwilling to forgive. Who was she now?
The distance she had traveled emotionally had brought her to this point where everything was finally coming to a close. She was near an ending, with either choice but the question was, which one would she pick? It was between something solid and something uncertain. If she chose to stay at the apartment, knowing that Nathan was on a flight, leaving her life forever, she would be free from more additional heartache. From uncertainties and from life. She knew she would shut herself out for a few months before Caitlin would lure her out from her room, picking up the leftover pieces and try her best to make her whole again. She would go on with her life, a part of her always regretting what she never had the nerve to do.
Or, she could go to Nathan's hotel room and ask him to stay. She didn't know if he would. She didn't know if they would work even if he did stay. She didn't know what the future held for her if she chose that path. But, it didn't matter.
Because, that was life and that was love. It was uncertain. It was a rush and it was passionate. It was what Nathan was to her. And, she couldn't lose that.
The realization entered her eyes and Haley looked up at Caitlin, her decision made. Caitlin smiled as she saw Haley's head snap up, her eyes filled with the energy from her epiphany.
"Caitlin..."
"I know," she simply smiled, "The Four Seasons. Room number 245."
Haley reached forward and hugged Caitlin tightly, whispering into her ear, "Thank you." She leaned back and smiled nervously before she ran out the door, heading for the hotel.
Her path ahead was winding and shaky and nothing was concrete. She was not certain if she was making the right now by giving Nathan and them another chance. And, she was not certain if it would end the dream like way she had always imagined. She was not certain if he would love her forever, like he promised so many years ago. And, she was not certain if their feelings for one another would not waver. She was not certain of anything but she was tired of staying in the calm, always wanting to be a part of life but never taking the chance to jump in and live the way she wanted to.
She was no longer an onlooker. She had taken the jump.
She just hoped she would land on solid ground.
--
The hotel room was nice, Nathan supposed. Though at the price he paid for it, it should've been more then just nice. It couldn't have been though, unless the Four Seasons now offered their very own Haley James and he just wasn't aware of it. Nathan sighed as he packed up the last of his things, piling his shirt neatly into the plastic luggage box before zipping it shut. He checked the time. He still had a few minutes before the bell boy was supposed to come up and help with his luggage. He supposed that aspect of the stay was more then nice. It was convenient and easy.
Right now, he wanted to make things as easy as they could get. He sighed heavily as he sat down numbly on the hotel bed, the mattress conforming to his weight. Nathan ran his fingertips down the smooth cotton of the bedding, trying his best to sort out his thoughts. He hadn't stopped thinking. Though the focus of his thoughts had been varied, he found himself thinking about Haley the most and the time he spent with her. He thought about what he did, what he could've done and what he didn't do. The last plagued his mind the most.
All that wasn't done. All that wasn't said.
He didn't tell her the truth and that led him here. He should've learned to be more honest and forthcoming after that but it was so hard to break old habits. Sure, in his head, he'd tell himself what he should do. There was a long distance between should do and actually doing. He seemed to always find himself falling short of that distance. Haley had made him see that he needed to change and that it was possible for him. He just didn't know how. He wasn't entirely sure he was capable of change but in the few days he spent with her, he'd like to believe that he was capable. And, that maybe one day he would be worthy of her.
Because, he knew he wasn't. She was meant to be with someone else. Someone that didn't lie to her. Someone that didn't hurt her. Someone that she could trust. Someone that was stable.
Someone that would stay, be stubborn and profess their love for her.
It was another thing that he didn't do... tell her that he was still in love with her. He thought it was better that she didn't know as it would complicate things even further. Now, he just wished he could tell her, one last time. She didn't have to reply or even react. He just wanted her to know. To know that he was sorry for what he did and didn't do and that his love for her never faded.
He didn't tell her though and now he didn't even have the chance. True, he could've been selfish and stayed, begging for her forgiveness. But, it wasn't what she wanted. She wanted him to leave. He knew he had made many mistakes and he couldn't afford another. He wasn't close to repaying her for her kindness and hope in him, though he let her down in the end. And, he knew, he couldn't make up for all the destruction he'd caused but he could do one thing.
And, that was leave.
Because, she wanted it and he owed it to her, to grant her at least one wish though he wanted to fulfill all of them. He wasn't capable of it and now, he knew that he wasn't the one who was meant for the job of making her dreams and wishes come true. He wanted to be, desperately. He was so close to just breaking down and staying but he couldn't. It wasn't what she wanted. And, he didn't want to hurt her again.
He loved her. So much that he was willing to let her go.
Nathan's head snapped up when he heard the knock on the door. This was his last chance to back out but as he stood up and walked towards the door, he knew his decision was made. He wasn't going to be a coward this time. He would follow through and leave. It was what she wanted, he had to keep reminding himself. Opening the door, he started to talk, not looking up until mid-sentence. "The bags are in there and-"
His voice cut off as he saw who it was. The Four Seasons had exceeded 'nice' as there in front of him was none other then Haley James.
She was quiet for a few moments before she finally cleared her throat, managing a weak, "Hey."
She was nervous. This much he could tell. He didn't even try to hide his surprise as he mustered up a shocked, "Hey," in return. He paused for a moment, staring at her in amazement, "What are you doing here?"
Haley laughed suddenly at his question, shaking her head and looking down at herself, "I'm not sure." She stopped herself and sighed, "No, actually I am. For once, I am." She looked into his eyes, "I don't want you to leave, Nathan."
The declaration added on to the growing list of surprises for Nathan that night as he simply stared at her, dumbstruck. "W-What?" he stuttered. "But, you said-"
"I know." Haley said quickly, interrupting him, "But, I was wrong and I just, I can't let you leave without you knowing that I'm still completely in love with you." And, there it was. Out.
She said what she needed to say and it was up to him now. Haley had been analyzing plenty on the way to the hotel, millions of thoughts and possibilities whizzing through her head. She didn't know if Nathan would leave after her visit but she knew that if he did, she wanted him to know at least that. That she still loved him. She didn't think she could live with herself if she didn't tell him.
Haley felt her breathing stop for a moment as the air suddenly grew thin, and everything became hazy. She could feel the repercussions of her actions hitting her as her mind began to jump to conclusions due to his lack of an answer. It all fled though as the air entered her lungs once again and she was breathing hard, her eyes glazed over. She remained silent.
He should say something. Thousands of different words and phrases ran through his mind as he contemplated his answer. He knew he should say something but he didn't know what he could say or what he was supposed to say. He could feel a tingle inside him but he couldn't put that into words. He wanted to tell her that the feeling was returned but every manner he could express that seemed to fall short. And, he couldn't fall short.. he couldn't mess up, not this time.
And, so he remained silent, staring at her, hoping she would see the answer in his eyes.
She felt dizzy again and had the sudden urge to burst into tears as her proclamation went unanswered. She knew the possibility of this would happen though, she just didn't believe it actually would. She just thought that it would be different. Especially after... she stopped herself, cursing her own stupidity and brash actions. She began to back away before something stopped her.
An interruption.
"Hello, sir," the bellboy said cheerily, unaware of the tension in the air, "You're Mr. Scott, right?"
Nathan was silent for a few dazed moments before he finally replied, "Yeah, yeah."
"I'm here to pick up your luggage," he said, keeping his tone friendly. He moved closer and frowned momentarily when Nathan didn't move. "You are leaving, correct?"
It was another question. More obvious then the last subtle one. It was easier. Nathan smiled, and shook his head, "No, I'm not."
The bellboy frowned at this before he turned to walk away, "Oh, well..."
The rest of his sentence faded away as Nathan kept his eyes fixed on Haley. He smiled at her. She smiled back, relieved.
And, for that moment, things were right again.
--