Believe
This is a story about Nathan and Haley...from his point of view entirely. It includes some actual quotes from the show, surrounded by parentheses.
Rating: This story includes some mature subject matter, though not explicit. It is a love story with a sexual nature to it.
The song "Elsewhere" is interlaced through some paragraphs in curved parentheses...it's importance will be explained.
One last note: I have to say this story was inspired by two things, one: this song Haley sang to Nathan and that Sarah McLachlan wrote...listening to its words and its musical beauty I suddenly felt compelled to write this...and two: the stories on the fanforum board that fill in lost Haley and Nathan moments. There are so many well written extended scenes there and they got me thinking about what was missing too from parts of the show. Thank you to both for the inspiration for this story...
{I love the time and in between the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a distance I have wandered
To touch upon the years
of reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in}
It was something new to him, to just lay and not think, not act...not want to move. He had never had the patience for it before...before...
Now though in this.... presence...in this tranquil light that slowly entered the room, he didn't just allow his mind its peace...its calm...he welcomed it. He didn't need to move, to wander from this spot. In fact the thought of it was incomprehensible. It was against every fiber of his being...for he was in the place he had destined to be since he was born into this world. He was with his defender, his voice, his ear, his heart...his soul.
And as he looked at what that being was, what brought him to this place of unrestrained peace...
{I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand...}
His mind lazily moved back to wander to moments before...hours ago...
To the end...the start...the middle...to moments that had led him to this haven of calm...of heaven.
His brother...his older brother...his big brother...that word, brother...it was still so new to him. It still was slightly strange to hear on the tip of his tongue...and yet voicing it tonight had felt right. He now took one last look at his brother before walking away...
And remembered walking away from him months before...in entirely different circumstances.
He had lost the competition then...the game. He had lost...so much in that moment. And yet he had walked away from it with his arrogance intact...his cool unaffected look. Only when he had returned home...when he had to face his father, had he shown any vulnerability. He saw the disappointment in the man's face...his expression. He'd lost. He was a failure.
Tonight he had failed too...he had lost the game, believing enough in his brother to bring in the winning shot, trusting him, depending on him. That trust had led not to victory of the game...but it had led to a personal victory...one he held now onto tightly...one he secretly loved more than winning that game.
He had failed...but oh, he had won. Truthfully he had won. He was no longer alone in fighting the battles with his father. He was no longer by himself in defending his beliefs, his goals...his need...his desires. There were people now on his side, who accepted him without conditions. And his brother was one of them. He believed in him.
He reached his mother's car, the one she had lent him tonight for he could no longer afford his own with simply a part time job's wages at a twisting pretzel place. He was actually becoming pretty good at using the bus...he laughed softly about it now...with her help. She was a good person to learn about public transportation from. She used it all the time. His...
She had guided him to this place, led the way quietly for him to reach this new found relationship with his brother. When had it begun...when had it changed? With her...or...
He could remember it all now, deciding she was the way to harm him, his unwanted sibling, without getting in trouble. She was his weak spot. He denied that he slowly began to be fascinated by her...that their close buddy- buddy relationship was something he had never had with anyone...something he was intrigued by...something he secretly wondered about.
He told himself it would be easy to use her, to make her be the one who led him to his victory, his destruction of his unwanted sibling...his plot to gain back everything he rightfully deserved. He didn't care of the plan's ugliness. He didn't wallow in others misery. He didn't need to bother with it, to comprehend any of it. He had already kidnapped that sibling and dumped him in the shallow swamps of the river...this was just the last piece. The pranks were semi-effective, but they were also a lot of trouble, could lead to more disciplinary actions...and were honestly not that productive. His annoying half sibling used his mind more than any athletic skill. And unfortunately, it seemed to work...sometimes. He'd have to fight back in the same type of manner. He'd have to torture his mind with thoughts of a best friend who had betrayed him...who had turned to his worst enemy.
His poor grades seemed the best way, even though their use left him wide open, vulnerable. He wouldn't be faking his low academic skill. It was the truth, a slightly embarrassing one for him, but also something that he didn't really consciously hide. If people had a problem with it they were smart enough to keep their mouths shut. He was the best basketball player on the team, and he was only a sophomore. He was a hero...someone to look up to...someone the girls flocked to...like chickens surrounding their rooster, giving him every physical pleasure he desired...as he coolly gave it back.
Of course that involved sex. And that was fine by him. If they wanted to run to him after a game, shamelessly remove their clothes, and satisfy every teenage male need he had, then fine. He wasn't going to argue. For close to a year he had been content with just that, letting its shallowness be part of his being. Then he met his girlfriend...his old girlfriend...who he found out he liked sex with even more. But that had been the epitome of it. That had been the extent it all went to. He refused to think about how it was simply one moment of a soaring high...how when it was over, that was it. It was over. There was nothing else. Nothing...
He hadn't thought of her, the girl who was at the center of his plan, that crudely though right away. He had simply desired to use her, to accomplish his goal. He had been ready for her to be a sweet naïve little buddy of her best friend, and for her to fall for him quickly. He had been totally wrong in his assumptions of her.
Driving the borrowed car down the road, he used the headlights to navigate through the dark.
She was sweet...so soft...and yet fierce too in her defensive measures of those who she cared for. And she was not easily fooled. She caught his act right away...and used it for her own means. She would help him...on one condition. He needed to stop hurting her friend. He needed to end the pranks. He agreed to it quickly...surprising even himself a little. Had he really grown that tired of them?
Anyway, he promised he wouldn't hurt him anymore. She agreed to help him, even as suspicion danced in her deep brown eyes, eyes that seemed to look through him...leaving him feeling awkwardly opened...a peeled fruit who had no covering any more...no protection.
His first gift for her had been a simple whim...a Cracker Jack box surprise...a plastic bracelet that probably would break easily. He hadn't thought of that though as he put it on her wrist...as he schemed inwardly to use her...even as he secretly enjoyed giving her something.
She proved to not be an easy tutor. She wouldn't let him be late. She wouldn't let him get away with only half solving a problem. His charms had no effect on her. She was ('math')...he chuckled now thinking that was what she had said, what she had claimed. He hadn't believed it until after completing thirty exhaustive problems she had assigned him, until after completing her first of what would be many pop quizzes. She was math and English...and science...and...
And yet something amazing happened. He saw it in her eyes when he struggled with a word problem...how she gently coaxed him on...how she wouldn't accept defeat. He saw it in her proud smile after he had received a B on a tough research paper. She believed in him.
And as he kissed her that day in front of her house...as she told him what he did was wrong and then surprisingly jumped to be held in his arms, to hold him and kiss him back with even more passion than his first tentative one for her, he knew he no longer was on a mission to hurt his half sibling. He couldn't deny what she made him feel...how her sweet face made him smile...how her arms brought the warmth of gently flaming fire...how the belief in her eyes made him need her.
He remembered now with a shaken sigh how she had been there...at her home...in her room...how he found her when he needed her...when he felt more lost than ever before. His body had still felt weak after the abuse he had put it through...pills...dangerous pills...drugs that had invaded his body...his mind... and made him act in unpredictable ways...made him go too far with her...made him turn against her...made him fall to the ground...made him scared to death.
He had lain in that hospital bed listening to the voices of his father and the doctor, and as he heard his father's denial of the doctor's words...the truth...he sought escape. Their voices were too harsh...too much like a knife. He needed a softer voice...a gentle voice...her voice.
It was the one thing that drove him...her voice...her eyes...her warmth...as he weakly stood on newborn legs...put on the clothing that was there...as he fought to escape the cold hard white walls of the hospital...its unwelcome scent. He needed her scent...her...
He needed her...plain and simple. And as he finally made his way to her house...as he entered her room and saw her...as he weakly answered her look of surprise...of relief...he reveled in that she had been looking for him...that she had been worried. He felt her hold him and he held her back as tightly as he could with his still drugged sickness. He needed her arms. They were a sheltering embrace that he could no longer deny. He finally told her the truth as he sat near her, as she caressed his face gently with her sweet small hands...as those hands portrayed a strength that was fascinating...the worry in her eyes made him want to reassure her. But he could only be honest. He couldn't lie anymore...not to himself...not to her. He wanted her to know his fear, his regret...his sorrow. He wanted her to know so much of it was just a façade. He wanted her to know...him.
He asked her with a shaky voice if he could stay, after her kisses, her sweet lips gave him a heat that coursed through his whole body...that warmed his cold...cold muscles. And he waited with trembling breaths to see her answer...to hear it. And as she spoke no words, he worried, he fretted...until she closed the door and looked back at him with trust in her eyes...with belief.
He knew now she trusted him. He knew there was no misgiving in her as she helped him out of his shirt...pulled back the blankets on her bed, and led him to it...to the soft haven of those covers...to the peacefulness of her hand...holding his...the other caressing his face...moving over it quietly...as with tears in her eyes that matched his own she gently lulled him to sleep...with a whisper of a kiss against his forehead.
He woke in the morning to find her under the shelter of one of his arms, stretched out...to hold her simply. He couldn't even remember when he had moved to such a position. But he wouldn't fight it. Sleeping with her so close to him was sheer heaven. She was...
And he gently stopped her as she babbled about not being quite ready when he kissed her...once...and then again...and one more time, his tongue journeying against hers...he gently told her he didn't expect anything. That this was enough...just being with her.
And it amazed him how true that was. Always with a girl he had quickly worked to loosen her up...to have her clothes off with rapidness so they could get to the good part. But it wasn't that way with her. It was...he just wanted to lay with her...he just wanted to talk to her. He just...
He just wanted to be in her presence. That was enough.
She was his existence he realized with fear after she turned her back on him...after her best friend's accident tore her apart. He watched it wrench from her, her laughter, her passion. He watched it fill her with her own fear...her misery. And he sought to help her find her way back, even if she would not believe in him again, he would bring her out of the darkness. He would help her see the light again. For she brought it to him.
And so it began...her link to his brother...her powerful way to make him do things he wouldn't have done before, not with pushing or pulling, not even with a plead, but simply a quiet questioning in his mind...softly entering it and gently leading him to a path he had left not traveled for so long.
With hands that knew not where to rest, jumping in and out of his pockets, he went to him...his brother...the one he wanted to deny...tried to deny...
And yet...
He couldn't completely negate it. He pleaded her case...going to his brother with the pretense of that it was all about her. And it was...so much of it was about her...but some moments after being there, his uneasiness left, a calm entered his body, his mind. He was speaking to someone who did not speak back...and that was oddly comforting. He confessed his own worries...his own doubts...he spoke simply to his brother...believing in what he was saying...finally speaking the truth and not boisterous lies. This was the reality of what he believed...that his life was controlling him. That a part of him didn't want to play anymore...wanted the out his brother had now escaped to.
It was with eyes wide and full of disbelief that he reacted to his brother's wakening. For days he had wondered about it, questioned it...why had his brother woken with him and yet not with his mom? It hadn't been until recently he had begun to find some small possible answers to it. It wasn't until just weeks before this day that he had seen that his brother WAS his family.
He went to her that night, not asking her to be with him once again, not demanding that they get back together. He hadn't gone to her for that...for his own once selfish needs. He only knew her pain...felt it coursing against his heart...and the weariness in her eyes...the tears that lingered there...that were begging to be let go of...he knew the way to allow their release. He knew what she needed. And he knew she couldn't go alone.
So he took her. He watched her break down in his arms. He stood there and simply watched...not with jealousy, but with relief. For finally her pain was being released from her body...finally the plague of her doubts and sorrow was gone. And afterwards when he took her home, he asked her if she believed in him again...if she knew that he no longer cared about a silly long ago plan...that she was more than that...that she folded over that a thousand times. Her acceptance was what he needed...her forgiveness. He hadn't been ready for her response, but he had listened to it...and let it be his advice. She told him she was tired, that what he needed was for once not her concern...that SHE needed something this time...and she needed to know if he could be the answer to that...if he could find its solution.
With slow movements he had removed her jacket, climbed up on her bed beside her, pushed back the covers, and taken her into his arms, holding her...embracing her...kissing her on the forehead...as she cried. She had been his shelter once before. Tonight he would be hers.
Love's confession had been no real surprise after that...he had felt it growing in his heart with each day. Its discovery though had shocked him with its intensity...its newness. He had never been in love. He had never really loved. He didn't even completely understand how it worked with his parents. He only knew this girl...this beauty who slowly began to wear a little more revealing clothes...who spent more time with her makeup...this girl whose physical beauty was only secondary to her inner grace...he loved. He loved that she accepted his help in performing a granny shot. He loved that she blushed when he talked provocatively. He loved that she jumped into his arms that first kiss. He loved that she listened to him when he needed to talk. He loved that she challenged him with every tutoring session. He loved that she laughed when he acted goofy. He loved her...
Once again she was challenging him...once again he was learning of something new with her. He was lonely, honestly, when he was at his apartment...alone. He had extricated himself from his parents, a move more painful than he cared to admit...but oddly liberating too. It was just when he was there at night, that first night especially, he felt like he had no tie to anything...like he was an island in the middle of a large fierce ocean. It frightened him...it made him feel little...smaller than he had ever felt. And as the truth of owning his own place came to light, he took on a job the old part of him would never had accepted without scoffing. But he swallowed his pride now...a pride he barely felt the presence of anymore...and was friendly with his new boss...a kid he had once pulled pranks on. He learned to be on his own...and soon realized it wasn't that lonely with a certain best friend around. After one more raucous party where he could barely find his own room...his bed was littered with bottles and partying teenagers...he went to her place for retreat.
He entered her window quietly, as quietly as he could anyway while breaking in and entering...though at least it was slightly open...and tiptoed to her bed. Then he just stood there...watching her peacefully sleep. He smiled, remembering her waking him once at his place...remembering smiling widely before he kissed her and held her to him...before he saw her tattoo...her mark of her passion for him...what had led to him revealing his love for her. He bent down to her sleeping form now and gently kissed her cheek...her other cheek...and then she was waking...with shock at first.
He quietly eased her distress, telling her it was just him, that he was sorry, but he needed quiet, and she was the one place where he could find that. She laughed, her shock at seeing him now vacating as he gave her a sad lost little boy look. He saw in the roll of her eyes how she was not taking pity on him right away...how she thought he was milking it for all it was worth. And then he heard more of her rich laughter...a laughter he silenced with the seal of his lips against hers...reminding her that her parents...the ones he somehow never saw...were just in the other room...and might hear them. He smiled at her frown...and then just waited...as she finally moved over on the bed, flinging her other pillow at him. He quickly learned that as wonderful and sweet she was, she did not happily wake up from interrupted sleep. He quickly learned to slide his way into the bed without waking her...for the parties would continue at his place that he had little control over.
That was until she finally threw her own party...one that resulted in the police visiting because of all the raucous noise. He hadn't been in that great a mood. He had been working all day and he came home to one of the wildest out of hand parties he had ever seen. Was that his stereo equipment flying out the door? He answered the police with his usual dry sarcasm...and landed himself a nice little spot in a dirty cell.
His father coming to bail him out though had been almost even more of a nightmare. He was acting in his usual up handed and dry humored way. Feeling him pulling at his arm though was even a shock to him...as it eventually brought back unwelcome memories...especially of one summer...one, where this formidable man called his father, pushed him to the limit of his endurance...his drive...his strength. He found out later from his mother the reason...a sickening one to him even now...she had an affair...and so his father took it out on him...his son. He shivered with that memory now, but his father was too set in what he wanted to even notice. He told him with an unyielding voice that he would be coming with him...and he searched for an out...questioned if he could fight him off...if he could escape.
And then escape came...through his brother...and her...there she was with fear in her eyes, but not for herself...for him. They were both there standing at the bottom of the steps, supporting him...defending him. They were his escape. He listened with surprise as his brother spoke those words... ("let him go...") He saw the cold sarcasm in his father's face as he answered in an insulting way. He was used to this. He had been insulted since he had been a child...and then praised...insulted...praised...back and forth, until it made his head hurt to think about, until it made him dizzy with confusion. But he was used to that. It didn't really faze him that much anymore. He could take it....but his brother...
He looked down and saw his brother still standing there, not backing down, in fact asking her to go get the authorities. He saw the concern in his brother's face...he heard it in his voice. And he knew...he couldn't just keep dismissing him as a half sibling. He was standing up to him...the man...his father. He was doing it to help him...the person who had pulled pranks on him...who had tried to make his part on the team a nightmare...who had visited him in the night when he had slept without dreaming...without waking...and little by little it began to come together.
He ignored his father's once again sarcastic remark as he simply watched him...his brother...and her...the girl who was leading him to a new place...a new belief.
He felt his father finally back down and moved away, watching his father walk away, past them, past the two people who he now knew were a too important part of his existence. He held her, held her close as they walked behind, but he couldn't deny it. She had been right. He didn't just want to let it go. He wanted his brother to be a part of him. He wanted...
He pulled into his parking spot now and stopped the engine...taking the key out of the ignition, stepping out of the car...and heading to his apartment...
It was with a tentative smile on his face he went to his brother's place the next morning and asked him to run with him...and as it began, as their healing started, he felt relief enter him. He didn't want to waste his time hating and fearing anymore. He wanted to win this basketball competition, but he wasn't a fool who thought he could do it alone. He needed his brother's help...and secretly...he liked his brother's company.
It was funny to him, weird actually, and yet sad too, how when he had finally started getting along with his brother, his relationship with her had hit a snag...a big one. His pictures and internet bookmarks hurt her...they made her think he expected more. He saw the tears in her eyes and yet didn't know how to react. He was ashamed...and angry. He had been caught. But the pictures of his old girlfriend...didn't she know that was over? How could she accuse him of that? Yes, his having the pictures still, looked bad...but they were old. Didn't she know? And what she said about sex...it sounded like some glorified soap opera. It really wasn't that great. It was great in other ways...but not like that. It wasn't THAT special. So he didn't say anything...he barely defended himself. He just stood there...and watched her.
Later he joked about it with his brother, but he was thankful for his support as slowly they grew closer...as her once gentle guidance...and the brutal reality of their shared father...forced them to bond...to unite. He learned to respect his brother, to believe in him, and he learned to believe in himself more. He was lonely without her, but he was ashamed too...so he just gave her the space she needed. He stayed away.
It wasn't until that rainy day hours before the game that he ran out on the streets...ran without destination...until he was at her place...that he sat down his soaked body on her steps...waiting for her beauty to finally come home.
And when she was finally there he apologized...he begged her forgiveness...he pleaded...he told her he wouldn't give up...his heart told him he couldn't...he needed her in his life...he needed her belief.
In his bed later, with the sounds of the rain falling outside...he stopped their passionate ways...asking her to do something for him...asking her for he knew this was special to her...and now he realized it was too special to him too. He hadn't planned it. It was a spur of the moment thing. But at the same time it was something his heart had always been calling out to him about...telling him the truth. He loved her. He loved only her. She was his home. And he didn't want her to leave ever again. He wanted her in his life forever. He wanted her as his wife.
Would she marry him...would she marry him so their first time together could be full of what she spoke of...could be washed with the beauty she imagined...could be done with her total belief...would she live with him...in his home...would she radiate over it with her calm...her peace...would she be his wife...would she marry him?
Later at the game, he would smile when he finally spotted her...see her sitting down in her place next to his uncle. He would smile at his brother as they played well...
And then began to crumble.
It was him...it was always him. He pushed them so far that its fun...its spark and energy faded. He would force them to become machines...or they would have to accept failure. But it hadn't mattered as he watched his brother be hurt in the same place that accident had injured him, as his concern and anger made him retaliate quickly. It wouldn't matter as he watched his brother play in pain. It wouldn't matter as he saw his brother's belief in him...and he felt that same belief for his brother. He would fight for what mattered. He would defend what they had shakily begun. He would defend his own belief in himself. He would not betray it by becoming that machine just to win a game. And so he joined with his brother, and that last final shot he ignored his father's words...he did what he wanted to...what he believed in...
And watched in horror...in saddened pain...as his brother missed.
Back in the locker rooms, he had felt defeated and exhausted, but when he heard his father start to put down his brother, he no longer held his tongue. He defied his father and defended his brother. For the first time he completely stood up to the man...and it felt good. It felt right. And he knew after it was over...that even though he wasn't happy with the game results...he knew inside him...deep inside that place that she had always shown him existed...he knew what he did had been the right thing. He felt a part of him drift away from childhood...towards adulthood. He had just completed one first step to becoming a man...
And later, after making sure her tears were not ones of doubt, he joined with that person who has shown him where that place existed...he held her hand as he vowed to her his eternal love...and she vowed it back. He married the girl who had become his existence.
He entered the apartment now, calling out to her as he dropped the keys onto the kitchen counter. "Hey...I'm back..."
She called back to him with her soft lyrical voice. "You saw him...your brother?"
He smiled, anxious for her to come out, but still not making his way to the bedroom where he heard her voice...their bedroom now. "Yeah...he was at the river court like you said he would probably be."
"And..."
He heard how she inquired with interest, wanting him to tell her what she had wanted to hear and see from the very beginning. "I just told him...I thought he played really good...and...uh"
"Yes..."
He sighed. "Okay...that I'd miss him, all right...that I'd miss him because he's a really good player...and because he's my brother...are you happy now?" He frowned even as inwardly the thought of his brother and how long she had wanted this for both of them, filled him with warmth.
"Yes, I am." She called out with victory and then made her way out from the bedroom, down the hallway, and stood there before him.
His breath caught in his throat as she came to stand before him. "Oh...wow..."
She smiled shyly. "You like?" She spun around for his benefit.
He just shook his head, watching how the satiny fabric folded with her every curve of her body, flowed to the floor, and revealed a hint of the body he desired that lay underneath...a body that he only desired more for the fact that he loved her mind...her heart.
He moved to her finally, taking her face into his hands and kissing her decisively. As he broke away, he just stared at her beauty for a moment before finally speaking, his voice choked with desire...and love. "You're beautiful Haley. I knew when I picked that out...I knew it would look good on you, but I had no idea that your beauty would make it pale in comparison. It's not the nightgown. It's you...you're a vision of everything I could ever desire."
She felt a tear came to her eye and shook her head, laughing shakily. "Okay Nathan...you better stop. I don't want to cry now...and you're sounding too much like a poet anyway. Don't you remember, you don't even like poetry!"
He laughed too, the tension of the moment alleviating a little. And he remembered, remembered Brooke's little double date set up. They had gone to that store and were told to pick out gifts for each other. He had moved from one rack to another, thinking none of it seemed right for her, and then saw it...that lone nightgown just hanging on a rack in the distance. He had walked to it quietly, secretly. He didn't want her to see him looking at it. He wasn't even sure if it was right for him to give her something like this. It wasn't that revealing, not for a nightgown anyway. And it was simple in pattern...and then its simplicity...yet elegant quality made him decide once and for all...add to it the fact that thinking of seeing her in it made his body warmer and his heart beat race a little....
He bought it for her, and was rewarded then by her look of surprise and gratitude. And now by finally seeing her wearing it...watching it hug her beauty, it made him smile, with a touch of smugness. "You're right. I don't. And I'm done being sappy." He quickly swept her up into his arms. Then looking into her eyes that sat right across from his now, he whispered huskily..."I want to be with you Haley..."
She whispered back with the same, for now, restrained passion. "I want to be with you too Nathan..."
He walked to his bedroom...well their bedroom now, holding her in his arms easily, loving how right it felt...how she belonged there in his arms...always. Trying not to look away from her beautiful face, he also tried to navigate his way to the bed. It would be pretty silly to end up tripping and falling with her because he had been acting too lovelorn.
Reaching the edge of the bed, he lowered her down onto it. He watched as she slid up until her head was more even with the pillow. And then he descended to his haven...her arms. Kissing her more deeply than ever before, he felt her kiss him with the same passion. And his mind reveled in the fact...she was his wife! She was his...and he was hers. They had given themselves to each other without reproach...without misgiving. His kisses became caresses against her earlobe...her neck...down further...over her covered breasts...his hand moving up her thigh...waiting a little anxiously to see if she would put a stop to it.
His answer though was in the way she kissed him back, in how she moaned with ecstasy as his hand moved even further upward, to that most private place of her that was only covered now by thin material. And he heard his own moan come from his throat, deep down low, as his other hand began to move the thin straps of her ivory nightgown down.
He felt her kissing his face, touching him too in other places...and he longed to be out of his confining clothes. He moved away from her for a minute and began to take his shirt off, but she stopped him as she sat up next to him, her voice a sexy whisper in the night. "I'll do it..."
He nodded his head, noticing for the first time how the room looked, that it was lit with candles in various places, ones she had put there. It was the room's only illumination, a romantic one, and he felt bad that he hadn't put them there himself. But she had seen his sadness when she had told him why she had been crying earlier...that her best friend would soon be leaving...that his older brother would soon be gone...the one he had only begun to know. She had sent him on his way then, telling him she would get everything ready. He had thanked her and apologized to her, saying he would make it up someday. She had simply shaken her head though, telling him there was nothing to make up. They were man and wife now. They supported each other in everything.
His mind quickly departed from the memory as he felt the cool air of the cold night's presence in the room upon his chest, and then the heat of her lips moving over it...over his flat stomach...his muscles...and back up...to kiss where his nipple ring lay. He let out a choked breath, the feel of her lips unleashing the passion he was trying to hold back for her benefit. This was her first time...but if she kept acting like this...if she kept being so damn hot...man...
"Haley..." He breathed out quickly, grasping her hands. "Baby, you keep touching me like that and I don't know how much longer I can hold back...you're making me wild..."
She smiled with appreciation. "Well...you make me wild. I know I was afraid before Nathan...and I'm still...well...I am still kind of scared...not of you...just of what's going to happen, because this is my first time...but I love you too...I trust you...and I just...I want to be with you so much Nathan...I don't want you to hold back...I want you to touch me...I want you to love me...Nathan..."
The smile had faded, replaced with a bit of anxiety and shyness. He let her words swim in his mind now as he touched her face gently. It was almost like she was frightened that she wouldn't be enough for him. She kept going back to how it was her first time... and it wasn't for him...but in a way it was. In some way that he still didn't totally understand...this was different than anything he had ever felt...ever experienced.
He smiled at her now, waiting for a smile to return to her face, speaking words he felt...words he used to soothe her. "I love you Haley...I want you to know that...that I love you Haley James Scott...and I'm so happy you're my wife now...I want you to know this wasn't just about... this..." He gestured to the bed.
"About us having sex...I asked you to be my wife because I don't like waking up without you there anymore. It feels wrong and empty. I want to watch you in the morning getting ready for school and everything. I love watching you sit down on the corner of your bed and seeing you comb your hair..." He touched her hair now, letting its softness wrap around his fingers. "I want to come home and you be here...or I can go to the café and say I'm there to see my wife...or finish a game in victory and celebrate with my wife. I want to have an excuse for why Tim can't have his crazy wild parties here...because my wife won't approve of it."
She was smiling now, giggling actually at the last remark. "I'm not a prude Nathan. But yeah...you can tell Tim to have those ridiculous parties elsewhere, when he brings too many people anyway. No one other than me and you is going to be occupying this bed now."
He smiled wickedly. "That's right."
She smiled back and then kissed his ear...moving down to his neck softly. "I love you Nathan...I love you. And I know you asked me to be your wife for more than just sex. If I hadn't believed that I wouldn't have married you. I want what you want too. I want to wake you up in the morning when you ignore your alarm clock...and get your bath ready. I want to watch your eyes close at night when you fall asleep..."
She touched his hair lovingly. "I've become pretty fond of that...watching you when you're sleeping...I want to be there for you when practice is brutal. And I want to tell Tim to go find some other place for his crazy wild parties...unless its one I've planned too."
He smirked. "Yeah...as long as you don't have another one where half the furniture is being thrown out the window."
She growled her discontent. "Better watch it Nate...you're going to get me out of the mood."
He looked at her innocently. "Fine. I'm just going to go see what's on TV and..."
He started to get up, feeling her pull back at him swiftly. "Oh no you don't!! This is our wedding night, need I remind you?!"
Nathan laughed at her desperate action. "Yeah..." He had fun, flirting with his wife. "Maybe you do need...ahhhhhhhhh"
He was stopped suddenly at the feel of her mouth on his chest again, her tongue moving over his nipple now. "Oh God Haley..."
"Is your mind back where it should be now?"
He replied quickly, pulling her body against his. "To heck with my mind. It's useless now. My heart's what's speaking...and..." He moved to cup her face in his hands, kissing her hungrily, and feeling the desire growing in him again, making him drunk in its ecstasy. "No more talking..." He whispered breathlessly in between kisses.
"My sentiments exactly..." She whispered back and then moaned as his hands began to move all over her nightgown again...as he slowly lowered them to the bed's pillows, cradling her head against the softness. His kisses grew in intensity again...just as they had before, and he knew this was always how it would be with them. They would joke and laugh...talk for a bit...share their thoughts...and then their passion would take over...
It would show them the way to what they both now needed...desired. He knew this as he finished lowering the straps of her nightgown, as the top of her breasts came more into view...as...he began to move his mouth over the softness of her skin...over that sensitive area...and with one more shared look...making sure she was receiving what she wanted...that she was desiring what he desired too...he held onto her hands to help her sit up...and quietly reached for the bottom of her nightgown...and raised it...up over her slim stomach...her breasts...her shoulders...her arms...until it floated down to the floor...revealing the almost naked vision of his wife before him.
Nathan held his breath for a minute...and then realized she was holding hers too...tensely. He cursed his shaking voice as his heart spoke for him once more. "Oh God Baby...you are so beautiful..." And he meant it. He had seen a girl's body before, breasts and everything. He'd had sex an impressive amount of times for a sixteen year old. But he had never looked upon a person and seen such radiating beauty. The room was dark except for that candlelight and yet she seemed to light it up...her eyes shining in the low glow as her body provided its own gorgeous radiance.
He began to touch her tentatively...and then a little more assuredly...learning what made her sigh with rapture...learning from the way she reacted what she liked most. He was being careful, more careful than he had ever been because no one had ever been as precious to him as she was...no one he had been with before had he actually loved. Feeling her body trembling with desire he once again moved them both down to lie on the bed, him on top. His mouth began to replace his hands...kissing...and then caressing every part of her exposed body...loving her with his lips...his tongue...his passion erupting new passions in her...
Soon the rest of his clothing was moving away, floating down to the floor with her nightgown...and she was touching him...exploring with her hands and mouth a journey of what made him moan with desire...what pleased him. She was loving him as only his wife could...and he was beginning to see it...why it was different with her...for she was different. Everything about her was undeniably unique.
That one thin piece of material was the last thing to finally vacate the space between their bodies, joining the rest of their clothes on the floor...and then they were free to explore each other without restraint...without barriers. They touched, fondled, slid and caressed over every intimate part of each other's bodies...their mouths touching each other's when they were not touching skin...and he moved his hands...his mouth to her most private place between her legs...a place she invited him to now...and he heard her cry out...held her in the safety of his arms as she released her rapture...as she felt for the first time what her husband could do for her...
The candles' flamed golden glow shone upon their passion infused bodies as he finally entered her...as she wrapped her thighs around his strength and welcomed him into her...as her body danced to love's passionate ecstasy with him... as they no longer were just two separate beings...but became one...together...as their marriage...their bond...their vows...their love...became complete.
He regretted the initial pain he had seen on her face as he began to go inside her, but now, as she began to feel his rocking motion, as she felt the way to go, she traveled with him...and he saw in her face as she realized she didn't have to really follow him. They were a part of each other now in more ways than ever. His journey was hers. Hers was his. And as he felt his final release...knew it was coming to her too...he whispered with tears in his eyes, feeling her own against his face...
"I love you Haley...I love you..."A little while later, after learning even more things about each other, he was now content to just watch her sleep. His wife...
And he understood it now...the difference with her...what she had said about it being special...that sex should be special when it's with that person you love...that you have given yourself to. He understood now...for he felt that way himself. No, she hadn't been his first time. But she had been his first emotional...and his last he hoped.
It frightened him, to think they could ever part. He had never loved like this before...never loved someone so much that their touch...their voice, made his body tremble with excitement. But she did that...and so much more.
He knew they were young. He knew that pregnancy could be an issue even though they had used protection...engaging in just a bit more talking before she stopped being a virgin...responsible talk. He knew there were those who would debate it. It was why he hadn't told his brother...yet. It was why she had yet to be honest with her own parents. It was why he asked her that they just keep it to themselves for tonight. It was like he was still on that island...and yet he wasn't alone anymore. She was there with him now...and they were holding onto each other and only needing each other. When he was with her like this he felt that way. The rest of the world could go away somewhere else as long as his Haley was with him...
With her he would never be alone...
{I believe this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand...}
He listened to the song's words now as the light through the window grew even more, the candles glow long burned out...the song she had sung to him that night, when he had been feeling broken, not knowing whether to live with his father or mother...or just to separate them from him forever by filing for emancipation. She had sat down at that piano in the café and in a deep voice that climbed with passionate yearning, sang to him this song...sang to him of the pain of separating yourself from those people who took care of you when you were helpless...who bathed you...changed you...raised you...disciplined you...rewarded you...loved you...
And yet somewhere along the way, he had fallen...the guidance had been sporadic...and he had lived a life so far, that was many times lonely...pained.
He heard it in her voice that night...thinking she was singing it just for him, but then hearing the ache in her voice, wondered of her own difficulties with her parents. He knew he would have to start understanding them now. He knew they could no longer remain a mystery. She was his wife. Her life, every aspect of it now...was something he would have to know...learn.
But that song hadn't been just about the painfulness of leaving your parents...it had also been about the beauty of love...of peace...of silence...silence in love...in passion...in belief.
He lay across from her, watching her eyes start to open...and he smiled. "Early morning to you Mrs. Scott."
She smiled at how he said her name, but grumbled a bit too. "Since when do you wake up early?"
His blue eyes glowed. "You must have worn off on me...already...hear the song?"
She listened for a minute and then smiled back warmly. "Yeah...the one I sang to you. It's called Elsewhere."
"Why?"
{I know this love is passing time
passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire...}
"Why is it called Elsewhere?"
"Yeah..." He moved closer to her, bringing his hands gently over her body, and then resting one of them on her waist and the other near her heart.
She smiled softly. "I don't know. I think it has to do with that it's a place that no one else can go to...that it's away from here...it's elsewhere..."
He whispered against her face. "It's where we are when we're together...Elsewhere...when we're alone like this...we're in a place that only we exist...that only we live in."
She smiled, feeling his lips caress her cheek and her ear, and then frowned a little with her next words. "Nathan...the part about love actually is written to be temporary...not to last...it's like she's fighting her mother for it...for it to last... It's very sad. She's trying to move away from her childhood...to growing up...and she's afraid...yet she..." She moved her hand to his chest, touching it with the same gentleness he was holding her with.
"Believes?" Nathan asked quietly.
Haley smiled with wonderment. "Yeah..."
He smiled back. "See...that doesn't sound so bad...there's hope there. She believes in this love...this person she is with. He brings her calm...peace. He brings her what you bring to me. He believes in her...and she believes more when she's with him. It's not sad. It's not sad at all. They're each other's bit of heaven."
"Nathan..." Haley simply whispered.
And then she began to softly sing the words to him. He closed his eyes, letting the rapture of her voice take him to a place that only she could. Soon they would have to face the world...but for now...he breathed with no difficulty, his mind was calm...and he was lying with the person who had brought that to him...
{I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near...
I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence I
f I choose to
Would you try to understand...}
Who believed in him...
Who taught him to believe...
{I believe...}
In love...
In reaching out...
In caring...
In trusting...
In something he would fight and defend forever...
{...this is heaven to no one else but me...}
Who brought heaven to him.
The End
Let me know what you think. I enjoy reading your comments.
Song: Elsewhere by Sarah McLachlan
I have to say after writing this I was just as shocked at Nathan and Haley's sudden marriage on the show as many people. They definitely seem very young for it...but their story is interesting also. It's like their two old souls...who were in a way destined to come together. It could go either way...it might not last...but it just might. And I love her role in bringing him closer to his brother.