Author's Note: OK, first of all BIG shout out to all of the people who emailed me about chapter 8 – I posted it right before FF.net went down and figured I would be left reviewless to write the next chapter. So, thank you for your unexpected and wonderful emails. Next, I want to quickly explain that this chapter is a two-parter, but a strange two-parter in the sense that it follows first Buffy, then Spike throughout Anya and Xander's wedding. I'm telling you this now because some of you crazy kids might want to read each section with its respective partner together (you never know, so I thought I might as well tell you). I'm stilling plugging away at the second part (bloody real world always getting in the way of writing), so you might want to wait till I post that. Anyways, I hope you enjoy, I'll try to avoid an author's note in the next part b/c this one's a teensy bit long. One last thing: Please keep reviewing, feedback is always appreciated and I do listen to everything you say (I even like criticism, unless it's just flat out mean and has no constructive qualities). One more last thing: I've been using Psyche's Buffy Transcripts religiously lately, so I just thought I'd acknowledge her (or his… don't really know) site, studiesinwords.de. It's a fantastic resource for BtVS and AtS transcripts, she adds great details to her transcripts and anyone who has the patience to do that deserves serious recognition.
Chapter 9 (part one) – The Wedding (Even The Nile Ends)
Buffy roamed around the shop nervously. She knew if she wasn't careful she'd end up breaking the most expensive object in the store, and she knew for a fact there was no way she could afford it. Buffy looked again at the list of gifts that no one had purchased yet. She then looked at the beautifully detailed candlesticks in front of her. Picking a stick from one of the sets up carefully, she put it down again quickly, grimacing at the price.
Leave it to Anya to choose the most expensive store in Sunnydale to register at, Buffy thought miserably as she moved onto the next set of candlesticks that Anya had written down as an option. Anya had ensured that not a single detail was ignored; her detailed list of gifts not only included type but the specific brands, models, and designs for every gift she wanted. Unfortunately for Buffy, everything on the list that Buffy deemed acceptable to give as a gift to one of her best friends on his wedding day was completely out of her price range.
Buffy didn't even bother to study the next set of candlesticks before she glanced at the price tag. The price wasn't as high as the previous set, but still way too high for her. As Buffy moved onto the final set Anya had included on her list, she sighed and closed her eyes before she looked at the price. Buffy stared at the price for a moment before realizing that they hadn't just put an extra zero in the cents column. She hastily put the stick down, and looked down at her list to see what else was on the registry.
She had spent the past month at Double Meat saving up as much money as she possibly could for this gift. After Dawn, food, the mortgage and all the other bills Buffy hadn't realized existed until a few months before, it didn't leave her with much extra money. When she checked the balance in her account the day before, reality about her job finally sunk in: there was no way that she could even support herself on the money she was making. Since checking her balance, Buffy had actually sat down and looked at her options. She had been avoiding doing it for months, determined that she could handle things without changing anything about her and Dawn's lives, but she was quickly realizing doing that just wasn't an option. Buffy had a lot of serious decisions to make, and she wasn't looking forward to choosing any of the options she had. But at this moment, she had to get over one hurdle: buying Xander and Anya the perfect gift with the small amount of money she had actually managed to save and the money Willow had been able to lend her. And she had to do it by the time the mall closed that evening – it was Tuesday night and the only night Buffy didn't have to work. She either had to get a gift tonight or go to the wedding empty handed.
Maybe I'll just ignore the registry… Buffy started to contemplate the idea when a sudden image of Anya in full vengeance mode flashed through her head. Buffy gulped and looked down at the registry. Maybe I'll just go check out the picnic basket sets.
As Buffy headed towards picnic basket display, a flash of black and platinum caught her eye. She turned in the direction, groaning inwardly. She knew whom she was about to see and she really didn't want to. Buffy had been proud of herself. In the last three days she had done an excellent job of avoiding everything that involved Spike. Well, if you didn't count her routine patrols of his graveyard – Buffy had caught herself on route to his crypt about three times a night. She reasoned that it meant nothing though because she was sure that he had moved into another crypt, plus she had to patrol. And so what if she tended to listen intently whenever Anya or anyone else mentioned Arabella, she was just being a good Slayer. Plus, it wasn't her fault that everything she did somehow reminded her of him. Buffy sighed, admitting to herself that there might be some part of her that actually missed the vampire. Of course, it was a minute, unhealthy part in need of some serious therapy.
Spike was holding a small object, studying it intently. Buffy headed towards him, immediately thinking that he planned to pocket whatever the small item was.
When Buffy was beside Spike, he finally looked up at her with a lazy expression.
"Hello, luv. Here to accuse me a stalking you again?"
Buffy had to hide the smile at the fact that he was using his usual sarcastic tone. Yup, I'm definitely going to have to factor therapy bills into my new budget. Not wanting things to become weird again, Buffy replied just how she always did, with bitchiness. "Shut it, Spike." Spike smirked, raising his eyebrows in amusement, but didn't say a word. "What are you doing here?"
"What are you doing here?"
"Hopefully I'll be staking a bottle-blonde while squeezing in a bit of pre-nuptial gift shopping."
"Well, there's your answer for me as well. Now if you'll excuse me, I wouldn't mind getting back to it." Spike went to walk past her, but was stopped by a firm grip on his shoulder.
"You really think I'm going to believe that?" Buffy drew her hand quickly away from Spike's shoulder and placed it along with her other on her hips. It drove her mad that she couldn't have any physical contact with the vampire in front of her without feeling a surge of electricity travel through her body. It was so hard to ignore the feelings he made her feel, however much she wanted to.
"All right, you caught me. I thought I'd make my new home a bit more sensitive, and I was just picking this up to put beside my bed," Spike waved the object in his hand in front of Buffy's face. Buffy snatched it from his hand and studied the small object intently. It was a small, porcelain flower. It fit perfectly into Buffy's palm, and was actually rather pretty. Buffy turned the object over, examining it. She saw the price tag and smiled.
"Where'd you get this? Are there more?"
Spike looked at her confused. He then gestured over to the table they were standing nearby. Buffy was instantly leaning over top of it, studying the small sets of porcelain flowers. She then looked down at her list of eligible gifts, and swore quietly.
"What's wrong pet?"
"Oh, Anya doesn't want just one, she wants an entire set. A set is completely out of my price range, just like everything else in this stupid shop." Buffy had become so distracted by the possible solution to her gift problem that she had forgotten to be annoyed with Spike.
"It is a rather posh place, isn't it?" Spike was casually leaning beside her and gestured towards the list. Buffy handed it to him, too distracted by trying to find a cheap set to notice her own action. As he read the list, he snorted in disgust.
"Why don't you give them one every year."
"Huh?" It was now Buffy's turn to look at him in confusion.
"Well, my mum – I mean, why don't you give them one now and then give them one every year as an anniversary gift. You can probably find these things at loads of stores. Plus, the demon and whelp will love something saccharine like that."
Buffy stared at Spike intently. She hated to admit it, but it was actually a good idea, and it wasn't as if she had any other options. Buffy bit her lip in thought. She hated it when he was helpful in a way she couldn't just ignore or deny. She was afraid that if she thanked him now it would all start again. Him giving her advice, her going to him for advice, and then, well, everything that followed. And what's wrong with that? The small part of her brain that always seemed to betray her spoke up, but for once the rest of her brain paused and thought about the question. Images of her and Spike sitting on her back steps flashed through her mind, how he was the only one who she felt comfortable talking about things since she had come back. Then she saw flashes of the same scene, only these were before the final battle with Glory. I can't think about that. Just thank him for the idea and leave.
Buffy continued to fiddle with the porcelain flower in her hand for a moment, trying to repress the feelings she knew were wrong. She took a deep breath and looked up at Spike, only to be met by striking blue eyes. "I think I might do that. Um," Buffy wanted to say thank you but knew that he would reply with a cocky grin and an annoying remark. "It's a good idea Spike."
"No problem, pet. It would be worse to have to deal with Anya bitching for the next year that she didn't like every one of her gifts." Spike fiddled with the flower awkwardly in front of him, a tense silence was quickly growing between the two. He looked up and his mouth opened like he was about to say something when he was caught off.
"Will! There you are. I wanted to know what you think about these dish sets. You probably know Anyanka's human tastes better than I do." Arabella came up to the pair from behind Buffy. When she saw whom Spike was with, her face became completely expressionless. "Buffy." She gave the Slayer a quick nod and grabbed Spike's hand. "Hurry up, the store will be closing soon." She dragged him away without glancing at Buffy again.
Buffy followed the pair for a moment before sadly turning around and examining the figurines again. She didn't understand why she was so bothered by Arabella dragging Spike off. She knew it should be a relief, but for some reason it was anything but. She missed Spike looking over his shoulder to match her expression with his own.
*****
The next few days passed both quickly and slowly for Buffy. The wedding preparations were in full swing, and the stress wasn't just limited to the bride and groom, although most of the stress the other Scoobies were feeling could be traced back to Xander, Anya, or both. Xander had panicked twice since his bachelor party on Wednesday night. The first time he had tried to convince Buffy to let him hide in her basement until Sunday, the second attempt was more desperate and involved him offering to pay Willow to make him invisible. After a long chat with Buffy and Willow, he seemed to be doing alright though, and at moments he actually seemed more excited about the wedding than Anya.
For Anya, her stress had nothing to do with actually marrying Xander and all to do with the process that doing so entailed. Somehow, Anya had convinced herself that all her perfectly plotted out plans for the reception would be completely ruined if she didn't check over everything every other moment. The caterer had threatened to quit if she called one more time, and the florist refused to take her calls. Fortunately, the florist would talk to anyone else, so Buffy had taken on the role of flower-ambassador.
Of course, Dawn's refusal to do anything helpful or even speak unless forced did not help matters. She had been diligently following the rules Buffy had set out for her with a scowl, but Buffy wondered if it was more of a punishment for her than for Dawn. Enforcing the punishment took a lot of time and energy, and all she got in return were glares, scowls, and an angry, bitter, teenage sister in return. Buffy had even come one number away from dialling the number to her father's firm in Los Angeles to ask him if he would take Dawn for a while.
With everything that was going on, Buffy wondered how it was possible for her to have time to think. Somehow she did, and somehow all her thoughts were straying to Spike. She hadn't seen him since Tuesday night and it was starting to drive her mad. She didn't understand why she couldn't get him off her mind. It's not like she missed him or anything. All Buffy could see was Arabella's hand holding onto his while she dragged him away. She recognized the gnawing feeling she felt at the thought, but didn't like it's implication. There was no way she was jealous of her. Spike did not inspire feelings of jealousy in her. He didn't inspire anything but anger, disgust and revulsion. Keep telling yourself that honey. The evil voice in her brain was also becoming a problem too. It had become more and more vocal, and sometimes Buffy would catch the rest of her brain agreeing with its statements. Buffy just hoped that with time the thoughts and feelings would go away. She knew they had to be a side effect of everything that had gone on between them the past few months.
*****
Buffy walked down the aisle slowly and instep with the other bride's maids. There were all wearing bright green dresses. Buffy was convinced it was a vengeance demon's fault that Anya had chosen such horrendous dresses. She took her place beside Dawn and Tara, and looked across at Xander. He was a few shades too pale, and it looked as if Willow was prepared to tackle him if he tried to make another run for it. The wedding march began, and a large smile spread across Xander's face. All the fear was instantly erase and Buffy knew he must have seen Anya.
Anya had the largest smile on her face as she walked down the aisle. When she finally met Xander in front of the minister, both were so lost in each other, he had to practically shake one of them to get the couple's attention. As he began to speak, Buffy started to scan the assembled guests. She knew that she should be paying attention, but she was standing in at an angle that made it possible to look at everyone without having to turn her head, and it was impossible to not check to see if he was there.
And he was. Sitting in the fourth row, Buffy found the characteristic shock of blond hair. She looked at him more intently, and had to blink at what she saw. Spike was wearing a tie. Buffy's mouth fell open at the sight of it. Spike looked up and caught her stair, instantly fidgeting with the black piece of cloth that matched the dress shirt he was wearing. Buffy stared at him a moment more before she saw who was sitting beside him, intently watching the ceremony that was going on. Of course. Buffy blinked her eyes again and tried to focus back on her two friends.
"I, Anya, promise to love you, to cherish you, and to honour you. I entrust you with my heart. Take care of my heart, won't you please? Take care of it because, it's all I have. And, if you let me, I'll take care of your heart too."
Buffy couldn't help but think about Angel as Anya began her vows. He had been the only person she had ever been able to entrust her own heart to, and he had broken it into so many pieces when he became Angelus that she thought it would never heal. Of course, they had tried to put it back together again in her senior year, but the task turned out to be impossible. They could never fix the damage, and Angel had left. At the time, Buffy felt as if the pain of him leaving would never go away, but now she knew it really was for the best. Everything about their relationship had been so painful, so angst-ridden that the times when they smiled and laughed were rare and treasured. At the time, she had thought that passion and love were meant to be that way, but the older Buffy knew better. Your lover was meant to be someone you could turn to at the worst times and they would somehow find a way to get you to smile. Love wasn't meant to make a situation worse, it was meant to make it better.
"I'll protect it and tend to it. I pledge to be your friend, and your wife, and your confidant, and your lover."
Buffy's thoughts instantly went to Riley when she heard the word protect. He had wanted so much to protect her from her life, and a part of her had wanted him to. But it was an impossible task and the strain it caused their relationship ruined their relationship. Buffy so had wanted him to be the one. He was the normalcy that was what she had desired since she was called. The All-American Dream. Buffy had to suppress a chuckle as she thought about Sam and her ex. They were made for a Wheetabix box front. When she had first found out that he had moved on, it had hurt, a lot. But now that she looked back on it, it was more like getting the wind knocked out of her. It was bad for a moment, and then she was fine. When Buffy really thought about it, before she was called she had never wanted normal. Buffy hadn't wanted a white picket fence and 2.5 kids. Of course, she hadn't wanted demons, vampires, and a hellmouth, but she had never wanted normal. That dream had only appeared once her life wasn't normal. That was her dream. To not go slay vampires every night or to deal with apocalypses on a seasonal basis. But it was only a dream. If Buffy was really honest with herself, she couldn't imagine a life other than her own that would suit her. She didn't want protection from it.
"I want to you marry you, Xander, because I love you and I'll always love you. And before I knew you, I was like a completely different person. Not even a person really… And I had seen what love could do to people, and it was hurt and sadness. Alone was better. And then, suddenly, there was you, and… you knew me. You saw me. So I get it now. I finally get love, Xander. I really do. And for me, love's you."
Anya's words hit Buffy like a freight train and she found herself staring into the deep blue eyes in the fourth row. Suddenly, Buffy was completely in touch with her feelings and all parts of her brain were working together and screaming one thing. Spike. Of course, that thought was followed by, Where the hell did that come from?, but Buffy instantly knew the answer. He had had such a significant role in the past four years of her life, and she had changed so much from the girl that had first met him outside the Bronze. Even then there had been something different between them. Always so much emotion in their encounters. His appearance was so sudden, so unexpected. Buffy had been taken aback by the way he acted, how he lived. And he did live. He lived his unlife to the fullest, and tried to enjoy every moment of it. Buffy hated to admit, but she had always been slightly jealous of how he could throw himself into the things he enjoyed, not worrying about the consequences or what others thought. But there was more.
You knew me. You saw me.
That pretty much summed it up. It was what drove Buffy mad while drawing her in at the same time. He had always seen right through her defences and into her heart and mind. He saw her for everything that she was, and knew how to speak to every part to her. Buffy knew, instinctively, that if she let herself, she would be able to do the same with him.
"So, I, Anya, give you my heart."
For the rest of the ceremony, Buffy just stared into Spike's blue eyes, unable to take her gaze away from her vampire.
*****
Buffy took a long gulp from her wine glass. The reception had been going on for two hours, and she was miserable. She was standing alone, while everyone else seemed to be having an amazing time. Anya and Xander were oblivious to everyone but themselves. At the moment they were wrapped in each other's arms on the dance floor, slowly circling even though it was a faster song. Tara and Willow were sequestered in one corner of the room, having what looked like an intense conversation, but it had to be a good intense, because both were stroking each other's hair with one of their hands, the other hands entwined tightly. Buffy couldn't help but smile at this, happy to see her friends together again.
Buffy scanned the dance floor and frowned at what she saw. Dawn had a huge grin on her face as she danced with a teenage boy she had met at the ceremony. Buffy would be all right with it if it wasn't for the fact that the boy in question had horns protruding from his forehead. It didn't help that Buffy was pretty much one hundred percent sure that the daiquiri Dawn was holding was not of the virgin variety. Buffy sighed, and continued to scan the room. She didn't want to ruin the reception, so she was going to leave it be this once.
Buffy's eyes fell upon Arabella. She was sitting with a group of female demons, laughing hysterically. Halfrek, the vengeance demon who had made her birthday party into a marathon sat beside her, but she was the only one not laughing. She was staring across the room, watching whatever was there intently. Buffy followed her gaze and cringed. Spike was sitting alone at a table with the large demon Willow had called D'Hoffryn. They had solemn expressions, and seemed to be having a very serious discussion.
Buffy's curiosity was peaked, but was overridden by the wave of sadness she felt when she looked at Spike. He hadn't even looked at her all evening. Buffy was convinced that she had ruined everything between them, and just when she was pretty sure she had finally realized exactly what she wanted. It had come as a shock to her, but the decision had made her feel balanced inside for the first time since she had come back. If she really thought about it, it was the first time since even before she came back. But now all she felt was confusion and sadness. He didn't want her anymore. All the anger she had directed towards him, all the words and actions had finally built up for even too much for him to handle and he finally moved on.
As if on cue, Arabella appeared and dragged Spike onto the dance floor after saying a few words to D'Hoffryn. They were smiling and laughing as they danced around. Buffy couldn't stand it. She wanted to be the one Spike was dancing and laughing with. She wanted to be the one in his arms. She had finally realized and accepted it, and it was too late. Buffy drained the last of her wine, and stormed out to the balcony. She was relieved to see it was empty, and went to lean over the railing.
When did everything get so complicated?
Buffy couldn't help but laugh at her question. When had anything ever not been so complicated? Buffy leaned against the railing and looked up at the stars. When she was little, she dreamed of getting lost in the stars and visiting every one. She'd spend hours staring up at them. Buffy couldn't remember the last time she had looked up. The night had become her job. Darkness equalled slay. It had lost all beauty as soon as she had seen her first vampire. But for the moment, she was happy to forget everything that she knew and just enjoy the stars.
She heard a sigh behind her and spun around just in time to see Dawn trying to sneak back into the reception.
"Dawnie, wait!"
Dawn paused just before the double doors, and said, "Why should I?" before storming back into the reception.
She's not going to make this easy. Buffy sighed and turned her back from the doors, and looked back up at the stars. She knew she should probably go after Dawn, but she didn't have the energy. If Dawn didn't want to try to repair their relationship, nothing Buffy said or did would have any affect. She heard someone come onto to the balcony, and spun around, hoping Dawn had come back to talk. The look of hope disappeared into a frown when she saw who it was.
"I really don't like you."