A/N: This is what happens when you watch Endgame right after Passing Through Gethsemane and Comes the Inquisitor. Um, spoilers for anything with Marcus I guess, as well as episodes mentioned above, and Between the Darkness and the Light. Hmm... and kind of a little bit for Susan's bit in In the Beginning.
This is Marcus's POV from the very end of BTDATL and Endgame. The end is whatever you think happened because I found at least 5 or 6 good endings that I couldn't decide between. Also, this is pretty much unedited, so forgive the grammar errors and bad spelling for now, I'll fix it later. I had a bit of writer's block during the beginning, so it might not make much sense, so please pay more attention to the ideas that the wording. Oh, and I've got some footnotes if you need them, and you might be wondering where the disclaimer is? It is also at the bottom!
As always, questions and comments are more than welcome, creative criticism is cool, but flames will be thrown into a burning shuttle with Elizar and flown into Z'ha'dum. Now enough of my blabbermouth...and on to Marcus!
Marcus forced his eyes back open. He could not sleep, did not want to. Not after what he'd found. The words Franklin had uttered secretly were playing on an endless loop in his head.
He was afraid
Marcus could never remember being so afraid. He found himself doubting his initial action. He had never doubted his choices, only regretted not making them soon enough. The doubt scared him just as much as the decision. He couldn't turn around or back down when, for the first time in his life, he could see the path.
And Marcus couldn't help wondering what it was like to die. Telepaths had said the mind say a door filled with this all-encompassing, almost blinding light, and then they heard their family on the other side calling them home. (The only remotely similar experience Marcus had had was waking up on a hospital bed under fluorescent lighting so bright he could only hear Dr. Franklin reading the stats to a nurse.)
Was it really a place where no shadows fell? Marcus wondered if he had a Minbari soul. Would he be a Minbari in the next life? Would he remember this body, the way it gracefully moved or the feel of hair on his neck? Would he be reborn at al? It gave him the shivers, and Marcus began to massage his tense neck when he stumbled across scars he had forgotten about scattered along the back of his neck. His fingers began to tremble a bit and Marcus felt nauseas again.
He had covered up those scars for so long under his cloak of hair, he'd forgotten about them. They were some of the mistakes of his past he was hiding fromÉhe was always hiding from his past. Marcus had so many wounds, and they had not been easy to hide from himself. Would he carry these scars with him to the next life? Minbari were never too specific about anything, much less their religious system.
He remembered the deep scar. In his childhood, a friend had tried to teach him how to play hockey like they did in the olden days, and somehow Marcus had fallen backwards and onto his own stick. The thinner one bisecting it was where he had taken a good blow during training with the fighting pike. He remembered so vividly the way his mind had fizzled to blackness and how when he woke up surrounded by the blurry figures of 7 warrior class Minbari, he had panicked thinking he was a POW. That had been very early in his training, and he was still very disappointed with himself for that assumption.
Nobody else would remember these things. Marcus had always rather enjoyed keeping to himself, mostly because he had never had anyone to trust. That was all he wanted. His scars were the memories that he never told, and suddenly he did not want them to be lost. As the memories of his life died, so did he, and since they were all locked in his mind, it seemed Marcus would soon be forgotten—as always.
The quick swell of panic nearly chocked him. He realized how much he had been looking forward to having kids one day. He wanted children of his own to teach and sing to and it hurt him so much—that love and pride that he wanted to give to them. He wanted to be somebody's Gaffer [2]. To bounce grandchildren on his aching, arthritic knees and tell them about the dawn of man, AKA when he was a boy. He wanted to triumph over the monsters under the bed, and read them the same classic tales that he grew up on from real paper books. He didn't want those chances taken away from him! Growing old with Susan É was how it was supposed to be.
Now Marcus remembered how helpless she was. The way the irregular gaps in her breath, the raspy sounds of labored breathing, made his heart stop. He knew why he had come. Everybody needed someone that they could trust, and that had almost been Susan. But she had been the same way, he knew whenever he saw her shut him out. He had come because more than anything else in the world, Susan just wanted to be loved.
She wanted to feel loved every morning and to know at night that no matter how bad things got out there, someone loved her and didn't care about anything else. He knew all too well was it was like to feel unloved, and he couldn't inflict that feeling onto another being. He couldn't let her die doubting her worth, as he almost had. ButÉhe realized that it meant he would have to say it, and he wasn't sure he was ready yet. He couldn't live with the regret he would feel if he didn't. It was the only thing he could imagine being worse than feeling unloved.
Marcus realized he was rubbing his bare forearms and wrists. The sight of scars he had hidden so well terrified him. How selfish could he have been to put his feelings over Susan? He could love now, and it was his duty to give that love away, right? No greater love hath a man and all that jazz? He clenched his jaw and fists and prayed.
It took him a few minutes to recognize it as what it was. He had not prayed the human way since he was a child, and it wasn't easy, but right now he wanted somebody to tell him that it would be okay. He wept when he knew he would get no answer from anyone besides himself. After he calmed down, he had a few conversations with himself. Then he steadied his breathing and meditated on his decision, his rationalization rather, the Minbari way.
He understood, really understood Jack now. He thought he had before, but it hurt so much more than he thought it would. If he was going to lay down his life for one, he was so glad it was Susan, despite the pain and fear and doubt.
His answer was resolute now, no regrets would follow him to the grave anymore. Nothing could stop him. Only a few more hoursÉthen he could sleep in peace
He noticed the little things about her as the darkness started. The circles under her eyes were so much darker, the highlights in her hair revealed a few grey strands he had never noticed before, and she smelled like lilacs. It occurred to him that not many things in space had a pleasant smell. He had nearly forgotten that scent.
There were several cuts on her dry hands, and her breath was heavy. The rattling sound made him want to cry. Her fingers were so cold and slightly purple. He noticed that she was only wearing one earring [3]. Had he lost the other one while digging her out of the rubble? He felt a little guiltyÉbut the weight of his eyelids, the foggy feeling in his brain, the pulsing pain in his whole body made him forget. He would apologized when he saw her in the place where no shadows fell.
As his vision began to blur, he remembered all the times he had seen her smiling. They had been rare, but were picture perfect to him. He wished that just once he had kissed her. He wondered how a soft peck on her cheek would feel. Lying there was the closest he had ever been to her, and that was good enough. Yes, a very good spot to die.
His fingers began to tingle and go numb as he stroked her hand. He felt himself getting lighter, slipping away, the throbbing was fading too—but caught in his throat were the three words he had never been able to say. She probably wouldn't hear him, but it was his last chance to show the world that he could care
"I love you
It was all he had needed to say, and all that she needed to hear.
He was so tiredÉand his eyes were so heavy. He wanted to stay with her, but he was drifting away, unable to stop it.
He was in a blackness unlike any other. He heard his father's laugh, his mother's lullaby, his brother's stutter—and he heard someone crying far, far away. He wasn't sure if it lasted a moment, or an eternity, that dizzy, delirious feeling in his brain.
Then, far off, Marcus saw a pin prick of light. It grew so slowly until it left an imprint on his eyelids. All he saw was the whiteness. He slowly became aware again of the weight of his arms the pressure of gravity—was it gravity? Then he heard someone call, almost whisper, from an eternity away
"I love you too
Was he dreaming? Did the dead dream? He couldn't sense if it was a memory or a premonition—could you halluscinate in the after-life?—but he though it sounded a little bit like
"SusanÉ?
[1]---Shakespeare's Sonnet 16 talks about (in a rather bawdy way) how having children is the only read way to keep your self in the world, or they are more alive and truer to their creators than any poem or painting could ever be. They are your best hope for self preservation, and you must live! (it's a really dirty poem!)
[2]---a "Gaffer" is the Elizabethan term for grandfather. Yes, it appears in Tolkien's literature, why? Gaffer was also an affectionate way to refer to an older man, such as Sam's father, and Tolkien would have very detailed knowledge of this term.
[3]---for those who noticed throughout the seasons, as I did, Susan only wears one earring throughout every episode. Why? Because when Ganya went to war, she said she wouldn't wear it until he came back and gave her her earring. Seeing as that never happened, she only has one earring on, and I was so confused the first four seasons until I saw "In the Beginning If I ruined that for anyone, I'm really sorry!
Okay, I "stole" things from JMS (the Bab5 GOD!) Shakespeare (that spoony bard), and one line from a Good Charlotte song (which one? Not telling!). That's my story, and if you didn't enjoy it, tell me why the box is right down there! If you did enjoy it, I would like to speak with you and see if you are still mentally stable. (Also, thanks to Hilary Weston for inspiring thisÉgo read her stuff, she's really good!) Farewell and adieu!