Truth Keeper
A/N: Ok, it's been forever. Sorry. I'm crazy busy (as I've said before), and updates are going to probably remain extremely spread out. Thanks you so much to everyone for the reviews and thanks to all of those who have emailed me telling me to get my ass in gear. I really have tried. I do go back and look at my reviews when I'm trying to encourage myself to write, and feedback always helps. (I even appreciate negative feedback – I take them quite seriously and try to use them constructively if the word fuck isn't used as a favourite adjective in them) So, here's the next chapter. I hope it's been worth the wait!
Chapter 16 – Opened Eyes
"The stars aligned and Bhagavantu was created in the form of a sister."
It was if everything in the room had froze, even the air. With a single sentence, the Keeper had changed everything for all those present, and no one knew how to react. Before anyone could even begin to respond to what Arabella's words implied, Buffy was on her feet and in the Keeper's face, a look of pure anger on her face.
"You're going to tell us everything right now, or so help me, I will prove that you are not immortal." She emphasized her point when the Keeper tried to move away from her, slamming the table on either side of Arabella's body so hard with her hands it splintered. Everyone present, including of Spike, shrunk back from the scene, afraid of what would play out between the two women.
Arabella raised her hands, holding the book in front of her in almost a defensive manner, the only hint that she was uncomfortable with the position she was in. "I can tell you what I know, and everything else that is known is in this book."
The words were said calmly, trying to placate the angry Slayer, but were met with an angry glare as Buffy ripped the small book from Arabella's hands and threw it towards Willow, who caught it just before it hit her face. Buffy's eyes never left the Keeper's. "Start figuring out what it says Willow. Now, I want the facts. All of them. Don't give me any of the cryptic bull shit that prophecies usually give either. Tell me what I have to do to protect my little sister."
Arabella smiled slightly and shook her head. "You don't get it Buffy, Dawn doesn't need protecting. There's nothing to be protected from. She's Bhagavantu, she always has been. It's not a prophecy or role given to her. It's her destiny, like yours was to become a Slayer."
Arabella's words seemed to only anger Buffy further, and she responded with a noise that resembled a growl. "Try again."
"I could lie to you if you wanted me to, but there's really no point. Dawn is the Blessed. She's always been the Blessed. She was created as the Blessed. She's the Key to the Balance. Everything will happen in its own time. It can't be determined how long that will be, just that eventually the Blessed and the Destroyer will cross paths and balance will be created when that happens. It's not something that can be prepared for. There's no evil to fight. You shouldn't fear the inevitable, or dwell on it. There's nothing you can do. Dawn will slowly become more in touch with her powers, and you will be there to guide her. It's as simple as that."
"Nothing's that simple. Now tell me what you know."
"What I am here to tell you is that you must ensure that the wrong people do not find out that Dawn is Bhagavantu before the End. That is all I know. " Arabella's expression was getting more annoyed and she was starting to mirror the glare Buffy was giving her. Both women were coiled up and ready to pounce at any provocation.
Before either could say another word, there was a loud crash as Dawn jumped to her feet, knocking her chair back as she did so. "Stop it! Just stop it!"
Buffy's attention was instantly on her little sister, the other woman completely forgotten. "Dawnie…"
"Don't say a word, Buffy. I don't want to hear it. She's telling the truth. You think I'm unaware that there's something different about me? Well I'm not. Can't you just listen to someone other than yourself for once? There's nothing you can do! So why don't you just forget about it because that's what I plan to do. I don't care if it's destiny, or some prophecy, or yet another apocalypse we're meant to avert. I don't want to have anything to do with it or anything related to it. And so help me God, if you bring this or anything that has to do with it up around me, I will not hesitate to leave for good." Before Buffy could respond, Dawn had spun around and stormed into the back of the shop, the slam of the training room door the only sound that could be heard in her wake.
Again, everyone sat tensely waiting for Buffy's reaction. She just stood there, rubbing her temples and looking at her feet for a moment before looking up, an expression that conveyed all business on her face. "Willow, figure out what that book says. Tara, could you please help her with anything she needs. Anya, write down everything about this legend you know – every version you've heard, every variation you can remember, however similar it is to another version. Xander, our friend over here is going to tell you a few more details." Buffy turned to Arabella, a look of anger in her eyes that made everyone shudder. "You'll tell him everything. And if you don't, well, let's not find out what happens if you don't." As quickly as she had turned to Arabella, she turned away, striding purposely towards the back of the shop. "I'm going to deal with Dawn."
*****
As soon as Buffy had disappeared into the back, and everyone had moved on to their tasks, Spike slipped out the front of the shop. Instinctively, he walked around to the back alley and sat down against the back wall, drawing out a cigarette out of his pocket as he did so. It had become one of his favourite places to think – ever since Buffy had first opened up to him there after she had come back.
He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to think. His body was screaming at him to jump up and do something. He needed to find a demon and have a good brawl, fight until he couldn't fight anymore. At the very least, he needed to jump up and pace. His mind wouldn't let him though. It was trying to sort out the jumble of thoughts and emotions that Arabella's announcements had created. Her words had made sense, but that didn't mean he liked them. The dreams he had been having, the emotions that made him feel disgusted with himself, the possibility that everything he had felt in the last year and a half had been manufactured by Dawn's presence. He wasn't sure if he should be grateful or enraged. It was as if with every sentenced she uttered, things became more clear year and more confusing at the same time. And now he was left to figure out exactly what he should make of the news.
Spike took another long drag of the cigarette before he ground it into the pavement beside him. His hand came to rest on his chest and he looked down. A bloody soul. I've got a bloody soul. Suddenly Spike couldn't help but laugh. It made everything Buffy had called him over the years seem so funny. The core of her argument had always been the fact that he hadn't had a soul, that he couldn't love her without it. He had always known the argument was a load of crap, but it didn't change the fact that she had a reason to hate him, reason to push him away. I guess she'll have to find a better reason now. Spike shook his head and took out another cigarette. What the hell did he want with a soul?
*****
Buffy stuck her head cautiously into the training room. She wasn't sure what she was going to say. She could see the outline of her little sister in the shadows, her back facing towards the door. Even without seeing her face, Buffy knew her little sister was crying. She had seen it often enough after their mother had died to recognize when Dawn was trying to be strong on the outside, even if she was falling apart inside. It was a trait they shared.
Buffy didn't know what to do or say to begin. She wanted to sit beside her little sister, put an arm around her shoulder and tell her it was all going to be okay. But she knew all Dawn would do would push her away and flee somewhere not nearly as safe as where she was. She had always thought she did a pretty good job at being a big sister. Sure, they argued and didn't always get along, but when it really counted, they had always been there for one another. It had been harder without their mom around, and Buffy knew she couldn't replace her, but she had thought she had been doing a pretty good job at being the adult figure in Dawn's life. At least until recently. It scared her, the way Dawn looked at her now, as if she was the enemy. She desperately wanted to fix things between them, but she had no clue how to do that.
"Dawnie…"
"What do you want, Buffy?" Dawn didn't turn around to face her sister, but her hands came up to her face and it was obvious she was wiping away the tears.
"Are you alright?" A snort of laughter was Dawn's only reaction.. "Sorry, that was a dumb question. Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really. Bye." The snarky teenager Dawn had become in recent months was out in full force, building up walls between her and Buffy that Buffy wasn't sure she'd be able to break through.
"Dawn –"
"Just don't Buffy. I said I didn't want to hear it before, and that hasn't changed in the last five minutes."
"Dawn, we have to talk about this."
"You're not going to make it all better."
"I know Dawnie –"
"No, you don't! It will never be alright. It has never been alright. I just want to forget about it. Live my life like everybody else."
"Dawn, you know that's impossible." Dawn's words were said with such conviction that it broke Buffy's heart to say what she had to say it. But Dawn needed to hear the truth, that her life would never be like those around her. Just like Buffy's would never be.
"Do I? Because I seem to remember my life being pretty damn normal for a long time." Dawn turned around suddenly and looked her sister directly in her eyes. "But wait – I didn't really exist did I?" She laughed bitterly and scowled at her sister, "You know I've actually been able to pinpoint the exact day I was created. I used to be treated like a normal kid – I could go out with my friends, do as I wished. When I was thirteen I was treated a hell of a lot older than I am now. But then, suddenly, you became obsessed with protecting me from the big bad world. You barely paid any attention to me before, and then – wham! I'm the centre of your world. All these demons were after me, and you were constantly around. Everything that was normal for me stopped being normal. The monks gave me memories of a normal childhood; they just didn't give me the chance to have a normal life."
"Dawnie, you know that's not true. I've always –"
"How would you know? Everything has always been about what is good for Buffy. What is hard for Buffy. You never think about me. You protect me sure, but you never think about me before or after your big rescue. Did you even ask how I feel about living under the same roof as the junkie who almost killed me? Or how about what it felt like having to stake my first kiss? Just so you know, sometimes I still cry about that one. What about how I felt about being the sacrificial lamb for a hell god and then having to watch the only real family I have die in my place? You don't exactly bounce back from those things."
Buffy felt ill. The bitterness in Dawn's voice and the anger in her eyes were tearing Buffy apart. All of Buffy's instincts were telling her to run away from what Dawn was going to say. It would be so easy to brush off her little sister as being upset because of the information that had been thrown at them so suddenly. But Buffy couldn't find anything false with Dawn's words. She couldn't deny the utter truth of them. Buffy couldn't recall once asking how her sister felt about anything. She couldn't do that anymore. She had never really thought about how Dawn was coping with being the Key after their emotional conversation when Dawn had learned the truth. Dawn had seemed to adjust so well, like it had stopped bothering her. Buffy had never thought to question that. Even with Dawn's recent behaviour, Buffy had never thought that the supernatural part of Dawn's life was bothering her.
The one thought that kept running through Buffy's head was how angry Dawn was about her allotted role in life. That she couldn't be normal and like everyone else around her. And Buffy understood. She had cursed every being she could think of for choosing her to be the Slayer. If she could get Dawn to see that she really did know what she was going through, maybe they could begin to fix all the problems between them. "Dawn, I know it's hard to believe, but I do know how you're feeling right now. When I found out I was the Slayer –"
"You know nothing! This has nothing to do with me being some higher being or whatever the hell I am! I told you – I don't want it. I don't want to be the Key, I don't want to be the Blessed, I don't want any of it so I'm just going to ignore it. I'm going to live my life like I'm anybody else. I doubt they can make me do whatever it is I'm meant to do. I can ignore it." Of course, getting Dawn to see that she did understand would be a lot more difficult in practice than in theory.
"I thought that too when I was your age. When we moved to Sunnydale, all I wanted to do was forget that there were vampires and demons in the world, and that I was the Slayer. I was determined to forget any of it ever existed. I didn't even last a day. You can't ignore who you are, Dawnie. I would love for you to be a regular teen, to do everything that a regular teen does and just forget about everything we've had to face. But I can't do that. There's no way of erasing what you know, no way of changing who you are."
"Your life was a hell of a lot more normal than mine is now. I'm older than you were when you became the Slayer. Do you know that? At this age Mom let you go out every night. You didn't even have to tell her what you were up to. You had friends and a life beyond the most recent demon. You got to be a regular teen in the most important ways. You don't let me have any of that."
"That's not true. You have friends – Xander, Anya, Tara –"
"Those are your friends Buffy, not mine."
Buffy was trying, she was really trying. But it was as if she was talking to a brick wall. As she stared at the angry girl in front of her, Buffy's heart broke. There was so much anger and pain in the people she loved. And it was all her fault. Everyone she cared about she hurt. She pushed them away and pushed them away until they willingly walked away and left her. And she couldn't take it anymore. She could not, would not, lose her little sister like she had lost everyone else who mattered in her heart. "I don't know what to say Dawnie. I wish I did. It's too late to change the past, and I'm so sorry for that. Because you're right. I push everyone that I love away, including you. I hate to see that look in your eyes and know it's because of me. Everything I do is to ensure that you will have a great future. That the world that I have to live in doesn't affect you. All I have ever wanted to do is protect you. And maybe I was wrong in that. Because I've protected you too much. And I've been so focused on ensuring that you are safe that I haven't paid attention to you or what you want. And I'm so sorry for that. I'm sorry that I've made you so miserable. I'm sorry that I haven't been a good sister. The sister that you deserve to have. I'm sorry that I haven't, and never will be able to, protect you from the world I live in. And I am so sorry that I've made you hate me. But I promise to do better. I promise to try to fix things between us. I don't want to lose you tonight as well."
Buffy was crying so hard it took her a few moments to realize that she had her arms full of little sister, who was also crying. After a few minutes of sobbing and hugging, the two separated. "I don't hate you Buffy. I just, I –" Dawn paused and her large eyes seemed distant as she tried to find the right words to say. "I need you to let me be me. To let me figure out who me is."
Buffy sniffed, and wiped away the few stray tears that were still running down her cheeks. "Okay. I think we can do that. But that doesn't mean there will be a repeat of last week, ever. And you're still being punished for that little stunt. But when your sentence is over, you get to start being you. Deal?"
Buffy's words were met by a shy smile and another hug. Dawn and Buffy sat down on the coach and contemplated the training room in silence for a long time. Finally, Dawn turned towards the elder Summers.
"I'm really scared, Buffy."
*****
Spike was still holding the same cigarette he had been for the last ten minutes when Arabella plopped down beside him and took the filter out of his fingers. "Do you realize you've got ash all over yourself?"
"I hadn't actually noticed." Without looking at her, Spike reached for the packet sitting on the cement between them. "I've got a few things on my mind at the moment." Spike inhaled the cigarette deeply, cherishing the feel of the nicotine being absorbed into his body through his lungs. It was the reason he smoked – to feel an organ inside his body working as it had.
"Sorry about that, William. I was going to tell you everything alone, but time got the better of me." Arabella bit her lip and reached down to the lighter Spike had discarded. Opening it, she lit it and flipped it shut, and then repeated the action until Spike's hand finally came out and took the lighter from her.
"You're going to waste all the fuel." He still hadn't turned his face towards her. He just stared ahead at the opposite wall of the alley.
"Sorry."
"You seem to be sorry about a lot of things this evening, lamb." He hated that he could never get properly angry with the woman beside him. He could never find it in himself to shout and scream at her, to react like his infamy had dictated he should. Maybe it was because he knew there was no point. Anger didn't faze a higher being.
Arabella reached for the pack of cigarettes and took out her own, waiting until Spike offered to light it for her. When he didn't, she grabbed the lighter that was sitting in his upturned palm. "This little expedition to the Hellmouth hasn't exactly gone as planned. I was meant to be here for months before I was to say anything."
"What aren't you telling us?" The abruptness of the question made Arabella pause and turn her head to face his, even more surprised when she found his shocking blue eyes looking at her as well. Spike knew he had to ask the question. He knew long before he left the Magic Box that he would be the only person to get any useful information out of the Keeper. He didn't want to ask, but he knew he had to. So he did. Unfortunately, it meant he had to look at her.
"Someone wasn't where they were meant to be."
"Where were they?"
"Mexico."
"Right. Hence Tijuana?"
"No, I just wanted to go on vacation until it was time."
The cheeriness in he voice as she replied finally made him snap. With a growl, Spike jumped up and spun around to look down at the woman before him. "Stop with the cryptic bullshit Arabella. What the hell aren't you telling me?"
"A lot. But I can't tell you, because I can't tell the Blessed, and I can't tell the Slayer." The way she said the words made him remember why he worked so hard to loose all relics of his human accent. All members of the true aristocratic elite could be so patronizing it cut into a person with a simple inflection of their voice. It always made him feel so stupid, so low, even as a vampire, and even though he too had the skill mastered to a fine art by the time he had finished school. With her words, he wanted to turn away and focus on anything other than the woman sitting beside him, but he had to find out the things he knew she hadn't told the others.
"Why not?" Arabella just shrugged and cast her eyes down, unable to look Spike in the eyes. Spike grabbed her chin and made her look up. "Why not?" He emphasized his question with a flash of his demon visage. He knew she could turn him to dust at any moment, but he also knew she wouldn't. It didn't mean she continued to let him hold onto her chin. In a blur of motion, she was on her feet and pacing back and forth, frustration evident on her face.
"I don't bloody well know! For the first time ever, the Powers have insured that I do not have fundamental knowledge about something. Everything has gone to hell in a hand basket, and right now I am trying to salvage what is left of the job I was meant to do. And now I have to leave, and mill around this Powers-foresaken area of the world until whatever is to come comes about. I may not like it, but that is what I have been told to do."
Spike just ran a hand through his hair and reached for another cigarette. "So what's the reason behind you bringing me along with you to wherever you plan to go?"
Arabella stopped her pacing and looked at the vampire softly. "There is no reason, I just want you to come. You need to get away from here. It's not good for you."
The pleading look on his friend's face made the resentment and anger he was feeling fade away. "The soul doesn't look good on me then?" Spiked smirked and waggled his eyebrows in his usual way, letting her know that they were alright again.
In response, she smiled as she always did when he made when of his comments, but then her face turned serious. "It always has, Will. I still think you need to get away for a while. Get some perspective."
"Away from Buffy?"
"You know that's exactly what I mean, and you know that I'm right. She's ripping you apart more than Drusilla did in over a hundred years."
Spike winced at the echoing of the words he had said to Buffy earlier. "You may be right, but I can't, not right now. The Nibblet will need me if something happens."
"What if I can guarantee that nothing will happen?"
"You can't do that."
"Yes I can."
"Right."
"I'm going to be here when the real beginning happens. I'll make sure you're here too. I promise you, William. She will be alright."
"Could you just let me be for a while?"
Arabella leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "Sure. I'll see you tomorrow, Will."
Arabella pushed up and started to walk away when she was stopped by Spike's cold grip on her hand. "I'll think about it Lamb." With a smile and a nod, her hand slipped out of his and she started walking away.
*****
Buffy stood just outside the back door to the alley. She had just stepped out after her talk with Dawn to get some fresh air, only to be presented with a scene that made her night all the more horrible. Arabella kissing her vampire, and walking away, only to be stopped by an affectionate hand and whispered sweet nothings. She was going to be ill. She was going to yell and scream, and tell the bastard off when it hit her. She had no right to do any of those things. Buffy lowered her head and turned to re-enter the shop.
She had the door half open when she heard him clear his throat. Caught, she turned around, but was unable to look him in the eyes.
"I'm sorry – I was just coming out to get some fresh air."
"Didn't ask for an apology, and you've got no reason to give one."
"Spike –"
"How's the Platelet doing?"
"Okay. She's afraid, but things are going to be alright. We talked about a lot of things. Things that should have been said a long time ago." Spike raised his eyebrows in question, and instantly knew what he wanted to know. "No, I didn't tell her about us."
Spike chuckled lightly. "I didn't know there was an us."
"There could be."
"As long as nobody knows, right?"
"You know it's not that way."
"No, I don't, Buffy. It's always been that way before."
"Please." Buffy looked pleadingly at the vampire, her one hand still holding the door half open, anchoring her as she waited for his response.
"We've already had this discussion Buffy. I can't do this again."
"Please just listen to me. I need you here."
"Don't worry, I was just assured by a very reliable source that nothing would happen to Dawn if I were to go away for awhile."
"That's not what I meant Spike. I need you." And she did. She needed him to support her, to be there to tell her what she refused to see. She needed him to watch her back, and to keep her company as she wandered the nights. He was the only one that ever made the ever-present feeling of loneliness that had become a constant in her life go away. She needed his kisses, and his touches. She needed his arms wrapped around her, protecting her. She needed to be able to see his eyes, and the uninhibited emotion they always displayed. She needed that smell that was distinctly him, and that way it always seemed to linger long after he had left the vicinity. She needed their talks, and his advice. She needed everything that only he could give her. She needed him.
"It's not enough Buffy." The sincerity in her voice as she said the words, and the look in her eyes almost made him crack. Almost made him forget his anger and frustration, and pull her into his embrace. But he didn't. Because he really had had enough.
"Why can't it be? Why can't we wait and tell everyone about us in time."
"Because there is no us if we wait. Like there hasn't been an us. Buffy and Spike. Slayer and Vampire. Not us, or we, or any other group term, however much we shag. Because to be an us, they need to know."
Buffy's lower lip trembled and she blinked back tears as she tried to get him to listen to her. "Please, just hear me –"
"I have to go." Spike couldn't hear anymore. He had to get away from her, because even after having enough, if she began to cry he knew he wouldn't be able to walk away. "Tell the Bit I'll stop by before I head out." With that Spike headed off into the darkness, only vaguely hearing with his vampire hearing the words Buffy whispered.
"I just want to be sure I'll be strong enough to walk away from them if they make me choose." As soon as he rounded the corner out of the alleyway, she let the door slam and sunk to the ground, finally giving into the gut wrenching sobs she had been suppressing since the beginning of the evening.
*****
On the other side of the door, Xander stood slack-jawed, still trying to process what he just heard.