Truth Keeper

A/N – At long last, Chapter 18. The conclusion to the first half. (Yes, I know, I know, I'll probably never finish at the rate I'm going right now) This was the ending to what was originally meant to be my short, maybe five or six chapter story that somehow expanded into something entirely different the more I planned and thought it out. After this point, The Plot is going to move into full swing – it's no longer going to be a simple Buffy/Spike fic, but a lot more. And I'm excited. So excited, that I've put a preview for what's to come at the end of this chapter. This chapter is dedicated to all those lovely reviewers out there that I've noticed have been continuously reviewing – even with my snail-like updating. (Darryl J, RaB, BlueSuzanne, Falcon-Rider, anastacia, Jen, Brandi, SheAngelus, Lutheyl, Heather B, and anyone else that I missed. Thank you!)  This chapters a little cheesy, but remember, our duo have been thinking, and thinking, and thinking… Plus, this chapter has been giving me a mean case of writer's block for the last month because I've been flogging it to death in my head for the last year and once I finally sat down to write it I couldn't. (Does that make any sense? Probably not). Well, enough of my rambling: enjoy!

Chapter 18 – Needs

Buffy sat down on a gravestone with a sigh. Slumping her shoulders, she looked at Mr. Pointy, and then threw her favourite stake into the ground before her. She had gone patrolling in the hopes that it would get her mind off everything. That it would help clear her head and work through all the things that had been thrown at her recently, but all it did was make her feel worse.

It had been four nights since Buffy had last seen Spike, but it might as well have been four eternities. As each day passed, Buffy felt emptier and emptier as the fact that he had left became more and more real. Everything brought up memories of the blond vampire for Buffy, and with each memory she felt as if her heart was being ripped apart a little bit more. What made everything worse was that Buffy blamed herself. She kept on replaying those key moments between them, and in every one she could now pinpoint how she had pushed him away. She and Tara had been having long talks each day, and the good witch had been trying to convince her that she was not the only one at fault for what had happened, but Buffy knew that she was only trying to make her feel better. She was grateful for Tara's support, but it didn't help to take away the emptiness she felt inside.

If only she could see him one last time, Buffy knew exactly what she would say. She wanted to tell him everything that she had kept bottled up. Everything she had refused to let herself feel for so long. Everything that she was afraid to say once she had let herself feel it. Everything he deserved to hear from her.

A single tear rolled down Buffy's face and she quickly wiped it away. She had vowed to herself that she would not cry again. The only thing that tears did was make the pain fresh again. Numbness was Buffy's goal for the evening, and although Buffy hadn't found it yet, she was determined to at least slay enough by the end of the evening so that she would be too exhausted to think, even about him. With that goal in mind, Buffy pushed herself away from the gravestone and bent down to retrieve Mr. Pointy. When she stood back up, she found herself face to face with the blue eyes that had been plaguing her thoughts day and night.

*****

Spike stood in the shadows as he watched Buffy throw the stake into the ground. It was her favourite one, he knew that. She had threatened him with it on more than one occasion, and the memory of the first time he had heard her refer to as 'Mr. Pointy' made him smile sadly. The smile quickly disappeared when he saw the look upon his Slayer's face. It was so miserable that Spike could barely stop himself from running over to her and wrapping his arms around her.

He knew it was risky following her on patrol, but he had needed to see her. He was surprised when she had not instantly felt him, but seeing her sitting in the middle of graveyard, so lost in her own thoughts Spike now understood. It tore him apart to see her so sad, and he knew that he was to blame for the expression on her face. He had spent the last four nights holed up in his new apartment thinking and sorting through everything he was feeling. What Arabella had said to him the evening before had been the last thing he had expected her to say, and it made everything more confusing. His thinking about things had confused him more, but the evening before Spike had finally begun to understand all the thoughts racing through his head. Spike was sure that if he could only see Buffy for a moment, things would become clearer.

When he saw the tear roll down Buffy's cheek he couldn't take it. Even seeing a single tear fall from her face was one too many, and Spike knew he had to speak with her. He had to let her know that he hadn't left and that he wasn't going to. As she bent down to pick up the stake she had only recently thrown, Spike mentally collected himself and silently stepped out of his hiding place and moved towards her.

For a moment they just stood there, staring into one another's eyes. Neither knew what to say. Seeing Spike had been the last thing Buffy had expected this evening, even though it was all she wanted. She had convinced herself she would never see the vampire's expressive eyes again, and now that she was, she was not completely sure her mind wasn't playing tricks with her.

Now standing in front of her, with her tear-filled eyes looking up at him wide and in shock, Spike had no clue what the hell he was doing. He had thought he knew exactly what he wanted to say to her, but looking down at her when the moment had finally come, every sentence he had so carefully developed seemed utterly meaningless compared to the emotions looking at her eyes inspired within him.

"Spike…"

 "Buffy…"

Saying each other's names at the exact same time, they then both looked down awkwardly. The silence stretched out until Spike stepped away and motioned Buffy to sit beside him on the gravestone she had been perched on before. Once she had settled herself, Spike sat on the stone next to it, shoving his hands deeply into the pockets of his duster, he pulled out a cigarette.

 "Well this is bloody awkward." Buffy looked up at him for the first time with the proclamation, and silently watched as he took a slow drag from the cigarette. For his part, Spike stared straight ahead, afraid to look at the woman sitting beside him.

 "I thought you had left." The words were whispered, but they still caused Spike's head to snap towards Buffy, a serious look on his face.

 "Never said I was leaving, just going away for a while."

 "Same thing."

 "Guess you would see it that way. But it doesn't matter either way now."

 "Why do you say that?" Buffy looked at Spike hopefully, praying that he was going to say what she thought he was going to say.

 "I had a very interesting conversation with Ari a few days ago. See, I heard something I'm not fully sure I was meant to hear." Buffy's eyes widened at the implication. She instantly knew he was referring to what she had whispered as he had walked away after their last conversation. "But, really, I had heard it before in a different form and had been too daft to pick up on it. Ari smacked a little sense into me though – literally – and I've spent the last few days thinking over a few things." Spike butted the cigarette out, got up, and began pacing. Buffy just watched him, waiting for whatever it was he had come to see. She was so afraid that it was not what she hoped, that he was going to tell her to forget the possibility of him ever coming back. Her mind was raging a battle against itself – half filled with hope, and half filled with dread.

Spike suddenly stopped his tense movements and looked Buffy directly in the eyes. The expression on his face seemed to say that everything had finally fallen into place, and everything was clear. "I understand now, love. They're the only ones that have never left. No matter what they do, they don't leave you. And that's why you're the best bloody slayer in history. They give you a tangible reason to fight. If you lost that…" Spike faltered for a moment as he remembered the past summer. "I don't want to even think about what would happen. Never want to think about that again. And with me, well, you might lose them. But I need you to know that you'll never lose me. And when you're, if you're ever ready for just me and that's the way it has to be, I'll be here. Always. Because this is the only place I ever want to be. I love you Buffy. And the way I've been acting is selfish. At some point I stopped thinking about what you needed, and only thought about what I wanted you to need. I just want you to know that I'm going to be here, out in the open or as your secret. Whatever you need."

Tears were running down Buffy's cheeks, and for the first time she wasn't ashamed of them. "You haven't been selfish, Spike. I've been scared and stupid."

Spike reached out and took her hand. "Hush love. You don't have to say anything. I've been the one acting like a wanker and not the other way around."

Buffy pulled her hand away and jumped up. "No, Spike, you're not going to take the blame this time. For once, I'm not going to let you and you're going to listen to me for a change." His trying to take the blame for what had happened between them in the last few days pissed her off. For the first time, she didn't like that he willing to let her blame him for everything and it made her angry to think that she had been happily doing just that for the past few months, for the past few years. What he had just said to her made her heart swell, but the fact that he was willing to roll over and take the blame for her being a basket case made her see red.

 "Buffy –"

 "No! Goddamn it Spike, you're not going to do this again! You're not going to be the one at fault, because you're not! I have hurt you in so many ways because I've been too scared and stupid to admit to myself the truth. It's not just about what I need, but what you need as well. I don't want to hurt you again, ever. I hate myself for everything that has happened." Buffy was getting louder and more upset as she spoke. There were tears running down her cheeks as she spoke and frantically paced back and forth in front of Spike. For his part, Spike just stood there dumbfounded. "And you're right – I am afraid to lose my friends!  I did mean what I said, I do want some time. But not because I'm afraid to tell them. I'm afraid that their reaction will damage us. I need to be strong enough that I will be able to walk away if that's the situation because you are what I need, Spike. You are everything that I need. And I want to be what you need too." With the final exclamation, she pushed Spike forcefully, and he fell onto the ground. When she realized what she had just done, she gasped and was instantly at his side, only to find him laughing hysterically.

"You're all I've ever needed or wanted, Buffy. It's been that way since the moment I first laid eyes on you." He pulled her down and kissed her passionately, their arms wrapping tightly around one another as they lay in a heap. Only when Buffy needed to breathe did they part, and then they just grinned at one another. Buffy suddenly looked down timidly, and then looked back at the blond vampire, a scared expression on her face.

"I mean it you know – I meant every word, Spike. I've spent the last four nights planning what I would say to you if I had the opportunity. I've been so afraid that I wouldn't be able to tell you everything. I'm sorry it came out so violently."

Spike just laughed and pulled her closer. "If it came out any other way, pet, it wouldn't have been you. There's a reason I get you angry when I want to have a discussion, or do anything else for that matter." At Buffy's look he just smirked and jumped to his feet, pulling her with him.

 "So what now?"

 "What do you mean?"

 "What do you want to do now?"

 "I don't exactly know. Why don't we just walk for awhile and figure things out. It might be nice to try and avoid all this drama for a little while."

 "So I guess this is a clean slate?"

 "Nah – we'll just bugger everything up if we do that. 'Sides, I can remember some particularly fun messes we've made on the slate we've already got…"

*****

Here's a block of text from the next chapter – for once I am ahead of myself! No character names, no descriptions (it has been edited to increase the mystery). I am posting this to taunt you all, simply because I can. :)

 "Why are you following me?"

 "Hello to you too."

 "Tell me now or I'll snap your neck."

 "Go for it, it doesn't do much. Just stings a little bit. Plus, the old lady would get annoyed. Besides, I can probably answer a lot of the questions going through that little head of yours."

 "What are you talking about? How do you know my name?"

 "I'm here to talk to you. Tell you a few stories. Now will you let go of me, my neck is starting to chafe."

 "Why don't I just kill you?"

 "Ow… I guess you've been getting your Wheaties. Too bad you haven't been getting your Prozac as well."

I'd show you more, but that would make the chapter very, very boring. I promise it will be up soon (just a few more small changes and edits to complete). If you can which two characters are in this chapter, I'll email you a copy before I post it on the web. (This is because I'm curious to see what you think is going to happen, and bribery is a good way to get people to open up.)