I hold Tayte closer to me, I'm not letting him. He looks up, but then puts his head back down on my shoulder. I stop, halted in my tracks. I didn't think today would be the last of him, but I also didn't think he would come to my home looking for me. He stands uncomfortably in front of me, hands in his pockets, an awkward expression on his face. I wish I didn't have to see him. I mean things would be so much easier. I move the door open a little more, no time like the present, right? He looks at Tayte, I can see a small smile forming on his lips. I pull him even closer to me, no you're not getting him. He walks in and stands to the side, as I walk to the door and shut it. I wish Donnie had left some of my walls up, because I could probably protect myself. He knows me better than I know myself, we're perfect together. I don't need Carter. He's a painful memory from a past I'd rather forget. I run my hand up and down Tayte's back. I motion Carter toward the living room as I walk away with Tayte. I get into our bedroom and place him on the bed. I pull a blanket over him and he starts to grab my hand.
"Mommy's got to talk to that man. It's about a patient. Go back to sleep, I'll be back in second, baby."
He nods his head and starts to close his eyes as I walk out the door. I take a deep breath before walking into the room. He's sitting, staring out the window. We've got a great view, that's a primary reason Donnie and I chose this apartment. We can see the entire city from our little next. It's so beautiful at night. I walk to the chair next to him, and sit down. I cross my legs and shift my body away from him. I don't know why I do it, it's just a habit if I really don't want someone there. Donnie picked up on it. He knows if I sit like that, he just leaves. He's the one who pointed it out in the first place. I run my hand through my hair and then rest my arm in my lap. I lean forward, resting my elbow on my knee, my head resting on my hand. He looks at me, neither one of us knows how to begin this.
"Are you two married?"
I shake my head gently from side to side. I mean the question has come up so many times between us, I just didn't want to get stuck in a marriage then regret it later on. Donnie has been divorced too, and he knows everything that everyone goes through, and we didn't want to put Tayte through it all. At this point in time, I would probably say yes. If we've made it through seven years, I think we can handle about seventy, although I doubt I'll live till about a hundred and twenty or however you want to figure math.
"Are you?"
I see him shake his head this time. Well that answers the question about the ring finger. I guess he put it on to ward of gold-diggers or anybody else that could try to hit on him. I lean back into my seat, crossing my arms in front of me loosely.
"What do you want, Carter?"
I'm not in the mood to do the little dance we always used to do. We'd shift around each other's emotions, searching for weak spots. We'd try to find a place where one of us was most vulnerable and attack to get answers. I'm not in the mood for any of it. I've become a lot more direct. If something's bothering me, I'll say it outright. I'm sick of dealing with him. I hadn't thought of him in years, and now suddenly he's become a part of my life again and I don't want it. I may not be completely happy, but complete happiness is a lie. I'm in love with Donnie, I have a son that makes my day happier, I have a job, friends. I'm okay. I'm making it. I can't regret anything.
"I want to see my son."
I automatically jump up, call it a mother's intuition. I reflexively head toward the hallway near our door. He's not getting anywhere near him. Donnie and I have raised him since he was born. He knows no other man in his life. Donnie doesn't even know that Tayte's not his. I don't have the heart to tell him. I doubt it would break the bond they share, but it would break my heart. I'd rather not let it be known to them.
"That's not an option."
He follows me to my standing position, before I know it he's centimeters in front of me, his deep brown eyes begging me to give him some hope in this life. I don't think things have been easy for him, but hell they haven't been easy for me either. I don't want us. It's too complicated, too complex, a maze that I'm not getting stuck in another time. I don't want him getting involved in our lives. Donnie, Tayte, and I are just fine. I see him start to bite on his bottom lip, I can tell he's trying to hold back tears.
I don't know what just happened, I was just standing there, and then suddenly I was a millimeter away from him, my lips against his sweet ones. That was a mistake, a long, painful mistake that I know I'm going to have to regret for the rest of my life. No, he needs to get out, he needs to leave and never come back. I can barely see him in the dimly lit hallway. I can only feel his heart beating and hear his gentle breaths. His hand skims along my face. I cringe back at the touch. He moves closer, I try to move back but my bodies rooted to the floor, a shelf behind me. I'm trapped.
Our lips meet again, sending a jolt of electricity through my body. His lips are like a poison, an addictive poison that will surely kill me in the end. His hands wrap around my waist, and his tongue pushing into my mouth. The world is dark and dim. Nothing is around me but air. He's hungry, the way he can't get close enough to me. The way he's pulling me toward him, the way his tongue battles fiercely with mine, the way the tears stream down his cheeks and end up on mine.
I hear a soft click a million miles away and I push him off me. No. Donnie's home. Goddamn it. Why tonight? Why ever? Why did he need to come here, he could have called, we could have met in a public place where none of this would have happened. He shoots me a look, and I walk past him, pulling him along with me into the kitchen. I walk to the other end, leaving him where I dropped him. Donnie's footsteps echo through the house and he sees the two of us in the kitchen. He walks toward us, and I motion him inside. He walks toward me, a smile etched upon his face. He places a kiss on my cheek, and stands behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.
"Donnie this is Carter, I think you have met before."
They both nod their heads in union and reach out and shake hands. I push Donnie off me carefully. I see the look forming on Carter's face. I search for the clock, looking for an excuse to get out of this situation. I promised Susan I would take her shift tonight. I should probably start heading toward the hospital. I can say her shift starts at seven instead of nine and manage to get an hour and a half or so of time to myself. I start to shift toward the door.
"I promised to take Susan's shift, so I should probably get going."
Donnie nods his head at me, but doesn't let me go. I'm getting a strange feeling from him, and I have no clue what it's supposed to mean. I think it's my guilty conscience overreacting, but with me, you can never be sure. I start to walk away, but he doesn't let me go. I see Carter watching this from the corner of his eyes. He's growing uncomfortable. He's uncomfortable? What about me? What if Donnie kisses me and tastes him on my lips?
"Abby, I have a question . . . "
I'm free of his grasp, but I turn around and look at him. He gives me a short smile and I shoot him a quizzical look. He's shifting nervously from foot to foot. I can almost picture Carter doing the same thing across the room. Okay, so what did I do now? Is he still pissed about me falling asleep during his conference?
"Marry me?"
"Mommy's got to talk to that man. It's about a patient. Go back to sleep, I'll be back in second, baby."
He nods his head and starts to close his eyes as I walk out the door. I take a deep breath before walking into the room. He's sitting, staring out the window. We've got a great view, that's a primary reason Donnie and I chose this apartment. We can see the entire city from our little next. It's so beautiful at night. I walk to the chair next to him, and sit down. I cross my legs and shift my body away from him. I don't know why I do it, it's just a habit if I really don't want someone there. Donnie picked up on it. He knows if I sit like that, he just leaves. He's the one who pointed it out in the first place. I run my hand through my hair and then rest my arm in my lap. I lean forward, resting my elbow on my knee, my head resting on my hand. He looks at me, neither one of us knows how to begin this.
"Are you two married?"
I shake my head gently from side to side. I mean the question has come up so many times between us, I just didn't want to get stuck in a marriage then regret it later on. Donnie has been divorced too, and he knows everything that everyone goes through, and we didn't want to put Tayte through it all. At this point in time, I would probably say yes. If we've made it through seven years, I think we can handle about seventy, although I doubt I'll live till about a hundred and twenty or however you want to figure math.
"Are you?"
I see him shake his head this time. Well that answers the question about the ring finger. I guess he put it on to ward of gold-diggers or anybody else that could try to hit on him. I lean back into my seat, crossing my arms in front of me loosely.
"What do you want, Carter?"
I'm not in the mood to do the little dance we always used to do. We'd shift around each other's emotions, searching for weak spots. We'd try to find a place where one of us was most vulnerable and attack to get answers. I'm not in the mood for any of it. I've become a lot more direct. If something's bothering me, I'll say it outright. I'm sick of dealing with him. I hadn't thought of him in years, and now suddenly he's become a part of my life again and I don't want it. I may not be completely happy, but complete happiness is a lie. I'm in love with Donnie, I have a son that makes my day happier, I have a job, friends. I'm okay. I'm making it. I can't regret anything.
"I want to see my son."
I automatically jump up, call it a mother's intuition. I reflexively head toward the hallway near our door. He's not getting anywhere near him. Donnie and I have raised him since he was born. He knows no other man in his life. Donnie doesn't even know that Tayte's not his. I don't have the heart to tell him. I doubt it would break the bond they share, but it would break my heart. I'd rather not let it be known to them.
"That's not an option."
He follows me to my standing position, before I know it he's centimeters in front of me, his deep brown eyes begging me to give him some hope in this life. I don't think things have been easy for him, but hell they haven't been easy for me either. I don't want us. It's too complicated, too complex, a maze that I'm not getting stuck in another time. I don't want him getting involved in our lives. Donnie, Tayte, and I are just fine. I see him start to bite on his bottom lip, I can tell he's trying to hold back tears.
I don't know what just happened, I was just standing there, and then suddenly I was a millimeter away from him, my lips against his sweet ones. That was a mistake, a long, painful mistake that I know I'm going to have to regret for the rest of my life. No, he needs to get out, he needs to leave and never come back. I can barely see him in the dimly lit hallway. I can only feel his heart beating and hear his gentle breaths. His hand skims along my face. I cringe back at the touch. He moves closer, I try to move back but my bodies rooted to the floor, a shelf behind me. I'm trapped.
Our lips meet again, sending a jolt of electricity through my body. His lips are like a poison, an addictive poison that will surely kill me in the end. His hands wrap around my waist, and his tongue pushing into my mouth. The world is dark and dim. Nothing is around me but air. He's hungry, the way he can't get close enough to me. The way he's pulling me toward him, the way his tongue battles fiercely with mine, the way the tears stream down his cheeks and end up on mine.
I hear a soft click a million miles away and I push him off me. No. Donnie's home. Goddamn it. Why tonight? Why ever? Why did he need to come here, he could have called, we could have met in a public place where none of this would have happened. He shoots me a look, and I walk past him, pulling him along with me into the kitchen. I walk to the other end, leaving him where I dropped him. Donnie's footsteps echo through the house and he sees the two of us in the kitchen. He walks toward us, and I motion him inside. He walks toward me, a smile etched upon his face. He places a kiss on my cheek, and stands behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.
"Donnie this is Carter, I think you have met before."
They both nod their heads in union and reach out and shake hands. I push Donnie off me carefully. I see the look forming on Carter's face. I search for the clock, looking for an excuse to get out of this situation. I promised Susan I would take her shift tonight. I should probably start heading toward the hospital. I can say her shift starts at seven instead of nine and manage to get an hour and a half or so of time to myself. I start to shift toward the door.
"I promised to take Susan's shift, so I should probably get going."
Donnie nods his head at me, but doesn't let me go. I'm getting a strange feeling from him, and I have no clue what it's supposed to mean. I think it's my guilty conscience overreacting, but with me, you can never be sure. I start to walk away, but he doesn't let me go. I see Carter watching this from the corner of his eyes. He's growing uncomfortable. He's uncomfortable? What about me? What if Donnie kisses me and tastes him on my lips?
"Abby, I have a question . . . "
I'm free of his grasp, but I turn around and look at him. He gives me a short smile and I shoot him a quizzical look. He's shifting nervously from foot to foot. I can almost picture Carter doing the same thing across the room. Okay, so what did I do now? Is he still pissed about me falling asleep during his conference?
"Marry me?"