Author's Notes: I'm have way too much fun writing this fic. This chapter is sorta long. But I don't think anyone will complain ? Anyways please read and review?! I'd really really appreciate it!!!
I'm holding the cigarette between my fingers. It tastes like crap. I haven't had a cigarette in almost six years, and he shows up. Now I'm left searching for my box out of habit. It's like he never left. Except I'm not going to go running for a drink after all this. I'm going to go home and collapse in Donnie's arms. Why do I keep putting myself through this? I mean he's gone. I forgot him the day he left. He wasn't strong enough to deal with me. I figured he would leave. But then again, I also thought Donnie would leave. He's still here. He's much stronger than Carter. He's also better looking, but that's besides the point. I just can't keep doing this. The only light is the orange glow from the tip. I'm standing a few feet away from him as he sits on the bench. Whose idea was it to come outside and talk in the middle of the night? Oh yeah, right, his. He couldn't sleep, or so he says. I don't even know what he expects from me. We've been out here almost ten minutes and neither of us has said a word.
"Why didn't you say yes?"
Funny question, is that what you're worried about? Whether or not I'm going to slip through your fingers and marry Donnie? Well guess what, I've slipped through your fingers. I don't know if I'm going to marry Donnie. I know I would be content, but I don't know if I would necessarily be happy. I might. I have to talk to Tayte first. I mean Tayte knows no other father. Donnie doesn't even know Tayte's not really his. I don't think it would affect him as much. It's just a piece of paper for the both of us. We're mommy and daddy to him since he was born. We're in love, by everyone's standards. I keep getting harassed by Susan. It wouldn't be so bad.
"I said we'd talk about it. It gets more complicated with Tayte involved."
Tayte comes first and foremost in both our lives since the day I told him I was pregnant. Donnie stayed with me through everything, even though he probably didn't have to. He could of up and left any time he wanted. But he stayed, and I'm glad he did. He's a wonderful father. Tayte absolutely adores him. Donnie and I will make up over anything if Tayte gets involved. We seem like the perfect family from the outside, and we almost are. I might be the one that ruins everything, but I don't know what else to do. If Tayte was not part of our lives, and we somehow managed to make it seven years, I would not hesitate to marry him. Yet, with Tayte involved, divorces are so sloppy. I don't think that Donnie would want a divorce. He's the product of one. He knows how hard it is on everyone involved especially children. He would stay with me, even if everything we shared was gone and we couldn't stand each other for the sake of our son.
"You won't say yes."
He's really turned into a product of his society. What a moron. He thinks he can talk me into anything, that I'm going to go dropping at his feet because he's got millions up the ass and enough power to rule half of Chicago if he wished. I'm sorry. It might scare some naive little girl, but definitely not me. I knew him before he became like this. I knew the old John Carter, the one I fell in love with. He's changed, for the worse. I remember him, young and un relentless. He hated to go to his grandmother's gala's or functions. He hated when someone would ask him if he had money. He wanted to be considered normal. He was everything but. Now he comes back here, rich and powerful, and thinks he can control me too. I don't think that's happening. He should have caught me before Richard did. He could have molded me into his perfect socialite wife with three kids running around his legs. He doesn't even know me anymore. I doubt he ever did.
"And you suddenly became the expert on my love life?"
My sarcasm fills the silent air. I see him run his hands through his hair. Even in the dull light I can see the bags under his eyes. The "good life" taking its toll on you? Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he was back on drugs. Everyone always complains that they'd like to have a few hundred million because then they could be happy. Money isn't everything. My prime example is sitting in front of me. He's got the cash, but he has no one to share it with. Unless you count the whores he probably has. Donnie and I, on the other hand, both work at County. We have enough to make ends meet and live a simple yet happy life. I couldn't ask for more. He's staring at me now. I can feel it. The atmosphere is so different between us than it was before. It's funny how a simple sentence can change things between us.
"You don't love him."
He's got some nerve. He knows nothing about the two of us, besides the fact that we've been together for seven years and we have a son. He doesn't know the lazy nights watching movies, or the walks down at the lake in the early morning. He doesn't know the way Donnie held me when I had to cry, and the way he nursed my broken heart back to life. He doesn't understand the way he can just look at me and know something's wrong. We never were that strong. I know half of it was my fault, I was too damn afraid to open up to him, but at this point in time, I'm glad I hadn't. He would have run away, and I would have been left destroyed and vulnerable.
"I love him."
My voice comes out strong and direct, he knows it's directed toward him. It probably stabs him like a hundred sharp knives. I shouldn't have said it. It was too much, too fast. Why do I care how he feels? Because he's probably right, my whole heart isn't with Donnie, it's partly with him. But what he doesn't know, can't hurt him. With time, I'll eventually get over him. He'll be nothing but a name and a pain. I throw the butt on the floor and watch it go out. I jab it with the edge of my foot and wrap my arms around myself. He's got a coat on. I've got my thin lab coat on with a sleeveless top. I'm freezing to death. Nice to know your also such a gentleman, Carter. I walk to the empty spot next to him and sit down. It's better than standing in the pathway of the wind.
"You'll never change. You're lying again."
I sit down on the wooden bench, leaning over to meet his eyes. What a sick son of a bitch. He's got a misconception of the world, and everyone in it. I feel sorry for him. I wrap my arms closer around my body and start to rock back and forth in an effort to keep warm. I'm still frozen to his gaze. I see him start to move in closer. No, this is not happening again. It should have never happened in the first place. I jump up and lean against the wall behind the bench. He gets up, obviously angry or frustrated, and begins to pace the ground in front of him, a repetitive motion etched with reassurance.
"I'm glad Tayte never met you. I wouldn't want you as a father to my son."
I watch him, he freezes in place. I think I've just knocked him from his pedestal. He knows it's the truth. I wouldn't want him near my son. He can destroy me, play with my heart, break me, kill me, do anything he wants to me, but he's keeping away from my son. I've deal with enough of the world to be able to take his torture. I've done enough to protect my son, and I will continue to do so. I see the pain forming on his face. We all live with pain, I've had my share, it's his turn. He made the choice to leave. I never made it for him. I was the one left to raise a baby on my own. I don't know if I would have been able to do it if Donnie hadn't been there. He sits back down, looking at me, the tears pooling his eyes.
"You don't love him. I've seen you in love."
I do love him. I might not be completely head over heels in love with him, but I love him. The love they talk about in fairy tales is a lie, the never-ending, always perfect love. It's impossible to achieve. I've got a good thing. I don't want to lose it all because of Carter. I loved him. I'm not going to deny it, there's no point in trying to deny it. But I've moved on, love fades, but the pain left never will. A permanent scar, but there's nothing I'm going to be able to do about but keep living.
"With you, of all people, right?"
He jumps up from his sitting position. He doesn't know what to do with himself anymore. Suddenly his mission in life had been destroyed. I think the reality of the situation has begun to sink in. He has a son he will never see. A son that will never know him for the real person he was. He would have made such a wonderful father, before everything that ever happened between us. Before he changed. I never saw myself as a mother, but here I am. So maybe fate plays a part in everything we do. He's standing near me, I can feel his warm breath against my cold skin, sending shivers down my spine. His hand reaches up to my face, grazing my skin, a split second, a blur of reactions, a tangle of lips, a venomous elixir.
"Yeah."
His voice is a whisper upon the mess of city sounds. His breathing is quick, mine's racing. What just happened? Why can't I grasp reality? What is he doing to me? Why is he doing this to me? This isn't happening. He's leaving tomorrow. You don't want yourself to love him. He's leaving tomorrow, leaving like he left you seven years before. You'll cry every night for months, you'll hurt and bleed, you'll tear yourself apart. Don't do this to yourself, Abby, don't do it. I push him away, he goes flying toward the bench, hitting the side. He winces in pain. I start off toward the ER, my pager going off at that exact moment. Damn it. It's Donnie. I hope nothing's wrong with Tayte.
"There you go, running away again."
I stop in my tracks. I can't believe I thought I actually loved him for a minute. He's an asshole. He's not worth any of my time. I never ran. I watched him run away from him when I begged him to stay. I wanted to talk things through. I wanted to work through our problems. He left. He didn't give a damn about me. I was some sort of conquest for him. See if he could change Abby, make her worthy of love. Hell, it could have been a thousand different other things. I'm not a picnic in the park. I know that much. But I have never run away from my problems. I learned that as a kid, they always come back to haunt you and you have to deal with them one way or another. I turn around. I'm more angry than anything else.
"No, I"m walking away. You're the one that ran away. There's a difference."
A major difference. He ran away. He ran away from everything without tying up loose ends. He's the one that got up and left, no note, no message, no phone call. I had no clue where to find him, or what happened to him. He could have died for all I could have known. I'm walking away. I'm at closure with everything that happened. I know what I'm leaving behind, and I know what's in front of me. I know where I want to go, and the choices I've mad are well thought out. I'm walking away from him, from pain and misery. I always had a feeling I would be the one to walk away. Or maybe I still need my closure. I don't know anymore.
"You know what, I'm sick of this. Get out of my life. You left by your own choice. I was left five weeks pregnant and I was scared to death. Where the fuck were you then? Gone. Like you will be again. I erased you from my memory. You mean nothing to me. Tomorrow you're catching a plane to Paris, or London, or wherever the hell you are going, and I'm not going to see you for another few years."
My voice echoes through the bay, hitting all the walls and resounding my words over and over again. He's left with a shocked expression on his face, watching me as I head toward the door. No more of this. I'm done with him.
"You'll never be happy."
I don't care what he says. He's nothing to me. I turn around one last time before breaking through the doors.
"I'm already happy, I have a fiancee and a son that I love to death. You're the one left chasing some dream."
He's standing in the middle of the empty ambulance bay in the dark. His dim figure is barely visible, his black coat forcing him into the shadows. If I reach out I doubt I would be able to touch him. Why does that bother me?
"The same dream you have."
carbytothecore:: Yea.. Well... It's Abby... Yes would be too easy...
Tracey: I hate Carter myself... LOL I'm like what are you a moron? Take Donnie! For heaven's sake I would date him.. Too bad he's not real... 0o That could pose a problem... I'm weird.. But it's all good... LOL
AthleticCharmedOne: Yeah well, surprizes and turns are my specialty.. I hope you like so far!!