He hands me the steaming coffee cup and I gladly take it. His dark brown hair blows with the strong wind, and he gives up trying to control it. He sits down on the bench next to me and I lay my head on his shoulder. He takes my hand and laces his fingers with mine. I'm so lost lately, I don't know where to turn. Donnie keeps being there, and I hate pulling him through these loops that I constantly am. I don't know what to do. I don't even know where my heart is. Donnie is absolutely amazing, Tayte loves him. I just don't know if he's the one for me, if I can spend the rest of my life with him. We were so perfect together, just being together. We never talked about marriage, we both were scared of it. I'm not scared anymore, I'm terrified. I feel his thumb running over my hand, and I let out a sigh, snuggling in closer to him.
"I don't know what to do anymore."
He lets out a small laugh, and takes a sip of coffee. I cradle the warmth of the liquid in my hand. Lately coffee has tasted like acid, and food like poison. I can barely sleep and exist. The only time I"m actually sane is during work. The traumas always get my blood racing.
"Just follow your heart, everything else will work out."
I nod my head and he lets go of his hold on me. He runs his hand over my leg a few times before leaning over and placing a kiss on my cheek. I repay the kiss and grab his hand again. It feels good to be completely at ease around him. I never thought I'd see the day.
"I'm always here if you need me."
I squeeze his hand and nod my head, he starts to turn and breaks away from me. I just spilled my soul to him, everything I had been thinking, and he stood there and listen to me. He respects me and understands me.
"Thank-you Luka."
I watch him wander off and I start to stand up, following him. I have to get back to work too, but I just can't handle it all. The thoughts are swarming through my mind and I can't concentrate. They haven't paged me yet, so their probably not backed up. I take a drink and the liquid scalds my tongue. I sip it slowly and then throw it out as soon as I make it through the doors. The caffeine in coffee doesn't have its usual affect anymore. It's more of a sedative than anything else. I glace at the board and it's pretty empty, and most of the patients have been taken care of.
"Jerry, I'm going to lie down for a bit."
He nods his head and I head toward the suture room. I'm hoping its empty because I need to make up for the sleep I lost. A hand grabs me as I'm making my way there, pulling me toward exam three. I reach over and hit him, hoping he'll release his grip. Carter loosens it, but doesn't let me go. The room is empty, besides a corpse in the corner. We're in the dark, and I pop on a light. I do not want anyone getting any type of ideas. I lean against the Gurney and he hangs his hands out of his coat pockets, giving me a typical Carter look.
"Abby, I want to see my son."
I run my nails up and down my arm, scratching at my skin. It's a random habit I have when I get uncomfortable. What am I supposed to tell him? Sure. Go head. Destroy my son's perception of family and love. You tell him that he is a bastard child and why you weren't there in his life for seven years. You tell him why Donnie's been there through everything, and you can also explain to me why Donnie loves him more than you do, even when Donnie's not his real father. You can explain all that to me and my son because I don't get it.
"Donnie's his father."
He walks closer to me, pushing me up against the metal of the Gurney. I can feel the edge digging into my leg and it's painful but I don't dare move. I can see him biting on his bottom lip, he doesn't know what to do. Neither do I for that matter. His fingers search for something to rest on, for something to do. He brushes away the loose hairs from my lab coat, then rests his hand on my shoulder.
"Abby..."
He presses his lips against mine, and I a jolt of electricity shoots through me. I can barely feel what's going on around me. The room has suddenly gone dark, and the only two people left in the universe are me and him. I've missed his taste, his touch, his smell. I 've missed everything about him. Suddenly everything that I've tried to forget about him, I can remember in precise detail. He slips his tongue into my mouth carefully, reclaiming all his lost territory. My arms wrap around his waist my body pressing as close to him as humanly possible. I can feel him smiling through his kiss. I can also feel the tears forming in my eyes. What am I doing? Is this what Luka meant by following my heart? Sleep with Donnie during the night and have sex with Carter during the day? Its not fair to anyone. I'm going to tear my family apart. The family I've worked for ages to preserve with Donnie....
Donnie.
The look on his face speaks more than words ever will be able to. Shock, hurt, pain.
Disbelief.
I"m rooted in my spot. He throws the chat in his hand on the bed nearest to him, metal hitting metal. He sprints through the door, toward the exit. I think I just ruined everything good in my life. Carter's starring at me dumbfounded. You moron. You fucking moron. I hate you. I wish I had never met you. Get out of my life. Get out of my life and stay there. You are not the father of my child. You are not the one I love. You are nothing to me. The sound of my hand slapping his face echoes through the entire room, a sharp pitch of pain sends him feet away from me. My hand is throbbing but I don't care. I want him to feel pain. He's gripping the side of his face; he's afraid to even look at me. I leave him, running after Donnie. Damn it. Why does everything have to be so damn complicated all of a sudden?
"I don't know what to do anymore."
He lets out a small laugh, and takes a sip of coffee. I cradle the warmth of the liquid in my hand. Lately coffee has tasted like acid, and food like poison. I can barely sleep and exist. The only time I"m actually sane is during work. The traumas always get my blood racing.
"Just follow your heart, everything else will work out."
I nod my head and he lets go of his hold on me. He runs his hand over my leg a few times before leaning over and placing a kiss on my cheek. I repay the kiss and grab his hand again. It feels good to be completely at ease around him. I never thought I'd see the day.
"I'm always here if you need me."
I squeeze his hand and nod my head, he starts to turn and breaks away from me. I just spilled my soul to him, everything I had been thinking, and he stood there and listen to me. He respects me and understands me.
"Thank-you Luka."
I watch him wander off and I start to stand up, following him. I have to get back to work too, but I just can't handle it all. The thoughts are swarming through my mind and I can't concentrate. They haven't paged me yet, so their probably not backed up. I take a drink and the liquid scalds my tongue. I sip it slowly and then throw it out as soon as I make it through the doors. The caffeine in coffee doesn't have its usual affect anymore. It's more of a sedative than anything else. I glace at the board and it's pretty empty, and most of the patients have been taken care of.
"Jerry, I'm going to lie down for a bit."
He nods his head and I head toward the suture room. I'm hoping its empty because I need to make up for the sleep I lost. A hand grabs me as I'm making my way there, pulling me toward exam three. I reach over and hit him, hoping he'll release his grip. Carter loosens it, but doesn't let me go. The room is empty, besides a corpse in the corner. We're in the dark, and I pop on a light. I do not want anyone getting any type of ideas. I lean against the Gurney and he hangs his hands out of his coat pockets, giving me a typical Carter look.
"Abby, I want to see my son."
I run my nails up and down my arm, scratching at my skin. It's a random habit I have when I get uncomfortable. What am I supposed to tell him? Sure. Go head. Destroy my son's perception of family and love. You tell him that he is a bastard child and why you weren't there in his life for seven years. You tell him why Donnie's been there through everything, and you can also explain to me why Donnie loves him more than you do, even when Donnie's not his real father. You can explain all that to me and my son because I don't get it.
"Donnie's his father."
He walks closer to me, pushing me up against the metal of the Gurney. I can feel the edge digging into my leg and it's painful but I don't dare move. I can see him biting on his bottom lip, he doesn't know what to do. Neither do I for that matter. His fingers search for something to rest on, for something to do. He brushes away the loose hairs from my lab coat, then rests his hand on my shoulder.
"Abby..."
He presses his lips against mine, and I a jolt of electricity shoots through me. I can barely feel what's going on around me. The room has suddenly gone dark, and the only two people left in the universe are me and him. I've missed his taste, his touch, his smell. I 've missed everything about him. Suddenly everything that I've tried to forget about him, I can remember in precise detail. He slips his tongue into my mouth carefully, reclaiming all his lost territory. My arms wrap around his waist my body pressing as close to him as humanly possible. I can feel him smiling through his kiss. I can also feel the tears forming in my eyes. What am I doing? Is this what Luka meant by following my heart? Sleep with Donnie during the night and have sex with Carter during the day? Its not fair to anyone. I'm going to tear my family apart. The family I've worked for ages to preserve with Donnie....
Donnie.
The look on his face speaks more than words ever will be able to. Shock, hurt, pain.
Disbelief.
I"m rooted in my spot. He throws the chat in his hand on the bed nearest to him, metal hitting metal. He sprints through the door, toward the exit. I think I just ruined everything good in my life. Carter's starring at me dumbfounded. You moron. You fucking moron. I hate you. I wish I had never met you. Get out of my life. Get out of my life and stay there. You are not the father of my child. You are not the one I love. You are nothing to me. The sound of my hand slapping his face echoes through the entire room, a sharp pitch of pain sends him feet away from me. My hand is throbbing but I don't care. I want him to feel pain. He's gripping the side of his face; he's afraid to even look at me. I leave him, running after Donnie. Damn it. Why does everything have to be so damn complicated all of a sudden?