Disclaimer: Fanfiction. Duh.
Warning: Clichéness, SasuNaru, sex, boobs, possibly crude humor, simple language, incompetent authoress, NejiNaru, OCNaru, OOCness, and crappiness in general.
OMG!! @____@ Reviews! Thank you so much everyone who reviewed! You don't know how much your reviews mean to me~ *sobs* I really suck, and I know all y'all are avoiding criticizing me because you're afraid you'll hurt my feelings... ;___; *glomps y'all*
~~~Chapter Four: Fuck. We're dumbasses.
Sifting silently through the streets of Valence, the two dark-haired shinobi had easily avoided detection from the shinobi-deprived villagers. When somebody turned, the two cardboard boxes would immediately drop, and it would seem like the street was completely empty. When that somebody turned back to their business, the cardboard boxes would lift, and tiny sandaled feet would scurry once again across the dusty dirt path.
They scurried stealthily through the marketplace like two mice under the rug. Neji found it strange that there were no males in this village. Everyone was either in a dress or in a dark robe, and Neji had yet to find a man in one of those dark mysterious robes.
Suddenly, Neji ordered Sasuke to stop, and they both dropped their boxes with a subtle plop. Sasuke refused to cough as the dirt proceeded to lift and fill up the entire box. He waited for Neji's order to move again, but it seemed as though the other boy was looking at something.
He peered through the two eyeholes carved in his cardboard box.
And right in front of them on the dusty dirt path-- a basket of fruit, the skin of the oranges shimmering in the bright sun. Under the basket, the ground seemed to be freshly unearthed, as though someone had laid a trap there...
Sasuke looked to Neji, whom seemed to be in deep thought.
"What is it?" Sasuke asked, rather agitated at the other boy's silence.
Neji kept his stare glued to the basket of fruit.
Someone had laid a trap here-- a very crude trap, but there'd be more. It seemed as though someone were trying to stop their trek to their destination. It seemed as though someone didn't want them to come to the wedding, and that someone obviously had no shinobi tactic at all. Even Naruto wouldn't do something this stupid, but judging by the traces of silver hair and perfume left behind...
His pale white eyes narrowed.
"He knows."
Hurriedly, they scurried past the basket of fruit.
But in their haste, they were unable to detect the trap laid right beside the previous one.
~~~ (that means a scene change)
They sat in a dark and shady room. Sasuke sat glaring at the man whom had caught them. Neji simply looked off to the side. In the corner of the room was a lone pipe dripping with black oil, forming a dark puddle on the cold floor beneath it. This place was reminiscent of a dungeon. An occasional rat would scamper by Neji's vision and into a crack in the wall. If he had cared to use his byakugan, he would've seen the filthy mass of rats hidden just beyond that wall.
He turned back to his captor.
He had long silver hair drooped past his shoulders and blood red eyes that could penetrate a brick wall. He sat on a cheaply made folding chair, his arms crossed as he frowned at the two genins.
The silence was soon broken as Joel gave a loud sigh.
"...You're never going to stop the wedding that way."
Neji raised an eyebrow.
"And why not?"
Joel raised an eyebrow in return.
"You know exactly what I mean."
Sasuke looked confused. He hadn't been introduced to the specifics of the plan. For some reason, Neji had them both hide under cardboard boxes while sneaking around the village. There were no shinobi forces in the village, and they had been invited anyway, so it puzzled the Uchiha heir that they had to sneak in, but he didn't press the matter then.
"What is he talking about, Hyuuga?"
Neji frowned, absolutely refusing to answer.
Joel said, "There are two floors in the wedding hall. The first floor is for the men, and the second floor is for the guests and women. The wedding takes place on the first floor."
A pause.
"In essence, there's no way you'll be able to get close to your loud little friend."
A large blade jabbed itself into Sasuke's heart as he slowly, but surely processed this information-- He wouldn't be able to see Naruto until after the wedding. He probably wouldn't be able to see Naruto after the wedding either with that clingy fiancé of his. He might've never been able to speak with the blond ninja again!
"So why are you speaking to us about this? I don't assume you'd be willing to help us with this whole ordeal, would you?"
"In fact, I am."
"..." Sasuke quirked an eyebrow.
"...What do you mean by that?"
"I'm an adopted member of Rasuke's family. I am not related to him in blood. Because of this, I don't inherit the family's money unless my brother dies. I can't have him get married, or he'll automatically receive the estate. And I'm assuming neither of you want your friend to get married?"
The two genin looked down at themselves. Neither of them wanted that. And after this pause of consideration--
"So how do I get on the first floor?" the two shinobi simultaneously blurted.
Joel then grinned a wicked grin-- a grin like the ones the businessmen get when they finally close a good deal, a grin like Kakashi got when he was reading his naughty and indecent books.
"...Dress up as men," he said.
And Neji said, "But how? All we've seen are robed women and people in dresses..."
He paused for a moment, carefully contemplating what he just said.
"...Oh HELL NO."
~~~
And the two young cross dressers scurried across the dirt path, the longer haired one occasionally tripping over his long blue dress. Sasuke was actually very graceful in his steps, though it had much to do with the fact that he was wearing nothing but a white dress and some knee socks (he refused to wear high heels, unlike Neji, and his hair had to be forced down to his shoulders to avoid anyone recognizing him). As he skipped daintily to the wedding hall, he silently wondered about things that a little boy shouldn't have been wondering about...
I wonder if I look as pretty as I feel...
What would Naruto think of me? Maybe he'd like me better in a dress?
And he found himself blushing as he imagined what Naruto's reaction would be...
"Sasuke?! What the hell?!
"You... You look kinda cute, actually..."
"Sasuke, you look very sexy in that skirt..."
"Sasuke, that skirt looks so tight on you. Let me help you out of it..."
Passionately, he slapped his red hot blushing cheeks, frowning with an anger as powerful as the flames of the sun. No. That was wrong. He didn't like Naruto at all. He was merely going to crash the party because... He probably wanted to beat the crap outta Naruto. That's right. He cross dressed because he wanted to kick the crap outta Naruto, now shut up about it!
It turned out that Sasuke was very good at being a woman. In fact, one would wonder why the Uchiha heir didn't wear dresses more often.
When they finally reached the wedding hall entrance, two sinister robed women loomed there to greet them. As they stood to block the door leading inside, Neji and Sasuke paused, trying to look as innocent as possible.
Neji was first to speak.
"May we pass?"
The women glanced at each other, their eyes glittering in some sort of unspoken accord. Like a pair of vultures, they turned towards the young ones and monotonously asked, "What's the password?"
"What do we do now, genius?" Sasuke remarked out of the side of his mouth.
"Um...uh..."
"Well?" the women asked. "What's your answer?"
"Um..."
This was it. They were gonna be caught.
"Soup?" Neji finally answered, quirking an innocent eyebrow.
They smiled like a pair of crows.
Before an answer could be given, Neji used his AWESOME byakugan moves and knocked out both women. After smoke could be seen rising from both their corpses, he puffed out his chest, flipped his long dark hair behind him, and flashed a dashing smile-- a little trick he had learned from Gai-sensei. Sasuke gave some weak applause.
They were in.
~~~
And the wedding was well underway.
The priest, fully dressed in his long holy attire, stood solemnly behind the wedding stand, his head lowered to regard the pages of his holy little book. Pushing his glasses up his nose, he quietly began turning in circles in boredom. When would the bride arrive?
Naruto nervously adjusted his bowtie. Wasn't he a bit young to get married? He hadn't even lost his virginity yet. He hadn't even kissed Rasuke yet. But then again, if people had sex before marriage, what was to stop marriage before sex? Or was it the other way around? Naruto was just so confused, he didn't really know!
Kakashi didn't help much, either. As best man, he did his part by standing next to the wedding stand reading from Icha Icha Paradise. Naruto would often tug at Kakashi's shoulder only to be acknowledged with a happily gay giggle from behind the mask. And so all the boy could do was wait.
The entire hall went silent as the priest suddenly cleared his throat.
"Let us begin."
~~~
Meanwhile, Neji and Sasuke were lost.
"...Soup."
"I told you that was the password!"
"I seem to recall no such thing!"
"Hmph. And now we're lost. Lost and in dresses." Sasuke grabbed his face in sudden despair. "What if Naruto gets married without me?!"
"What do you mean 'without you'?! Then he'll get married to me, obviously!"
The genius struck a pose, clearly having hung around Lee and Gai for too long.
"It is our destiny!"
"You are not going to run on about your shared destiny with Naruto. You shall not."
"No! I think I shall!"
Their conversation was interrupted.
"Ah! There you are, Princess!" someone chided.
"Huh?"
And Sasuke suddenly felt himself lifted in strong arms. As he lifted his head in embarrassment, he realized that he was being carried by one of the natives-- it was a large chubby women wearing a robe.
"Are you lost, Princess?" she asked happily, constantly hugging Sasuke to her enormous boobs.
Blushing, Sasuke slowly nodded. Whatever he was being mistaken for, it was to his advantage. He shouldn't complain.
Besides-- Boobs.
"Then I shall carry you to the wedding hall! Let's go!"
And the "princess" was then carried away.
~~~
Silently, the crowd watched in awe as the dapper young man walked to the back of the room, placing his hands upon the rusty brass handles and thrusting the gargantuan doors open like an ant carrying fifty times his own weight-- only it was much more magnificent and majestic. Their anticipation was met.
The princess stepped out.
He wore a long white dress and an adorable blush on his cheeks. His expression was almost dazed as someone gently shoved him from behind onto the red velvet carpet. The room was in absolute silence as two small five-year old boys came out from behind him, clumsily grasping the flowers from their baskets and throwing them into the air. The white petals came dancing down in a marvelous show of purity.
And, when he reached the end of the hallway, there awaited his love-- the short little blond boy who always was a bundle of sunshine. It took him an eternity to find himself back in reality.
"...take Uzumaki Naruto to be your lawful wedded wife?" said the severely confused and senile priest.
Holding his bouquet of flowers to his chest, he whispered blissfully, "I do..."
"And do you, Uzumaki Naruto, take the princess, Uchiha Rasuke to be your lawful wedded husband?"
Uchiha Rasuke--?!
And that's when Sasuke realized what was happening.
With a triumphant grin, the fox replied, "I do!"
The priest closed his book with a plop. "Then I now pronounce you wife and husband. You may now kiss the bride."
But before he could mutter a word of protest, Naruto grabbed the taller boy by the shoulders and almost hypnotized the Uchiha heir with his warm blue eyes.
Sasuke forgot all about what was happening.
In a split second, Sasuke found himself leaning down to seal the shorter boy's lips with his own. And, oh, the shocking tingle through every piece and pore of his body, the feeling of all his bones giving way and melting to a simple touch of the skin...
Dammit, he was in love.
Again.
Still.
Suddenly, a loud cry rang out in the wedding hall-- "You've got the wrong person!"
Pulling away, the Uchiha heir turned to find the one true rival in his hot pursuit of Naruto's behind, the one person who understood his feelings, the only person to awaken such feelings of hatred and jealousy...
"Neji?!"
YES.
~~~
I NEVER do what I say in those chapter previews. Ah well. I like this outcome better, ne? Yes, Rasuke is an UCHIHA. HAHA. And you know what THAT means... he is Sasuke's long lost cousin!! The Mary-Sue-ness continues! Lol... That unnecessary "yes" at the end just did this chapter in, didn't it?
There WAS a segment of interaction between Rasuke and Naruto... but I thought, "This is a SasuNaru fic! Not a RasuNaru PWP!" And so I tried to fit in as little OC interaction as possible. Now you must wonder where Rasuke and Sakura are...
Bishiehuggler - I luff your reviews... And I felt so bad that Rasuke wasn't Sasuke in a dress that I decided that I had to make it up to everyone.
someone - Yes, I know Gary-Stu is male Mary-Sue, but... Rasuke seemed to fit the stereotype of Mary-Sue much better than Gary-Stu, which I feel is generally more boyish and... not in a dress... XP
Next chapter: I have no idea whatsoever. Probably sex.
Warning: Clichéness, SasuNaru, sex, boobs, possibly crude humor, simple language, incompetent authoress, NejiNaru, OCNaru, OOCness, and crappiness in general.
OMG!! @____@ Reviews! Thank you so much everyone who reviewed! You don't know how much your reviews mean to me~ *sobs* I really suck, and I know all y'all are avoiding criticizing me because you're afraid you'll hurt my feelings... ;___; *glomps y'all*
~~~Chapter Four: Fuck. We're dumbasses.
Sifting silently through the streets of Valence, the two dark-haired shinobi had easily avoided detection from the shinobi-deprived villagers. When somebody turned, the two cardboard boxes would immediately drop, and it would seem like the street was completely empty. When that somebody turned back to their business, the cardboard boxes would lift, and tiny sandaled feet would scurry once again across the dusty dirt path.
They scurried stealthily through the marketplace like two mice under the rug. Neji found it strange that there were no males in this village. Everyone was either in a dress or in a dark robe, and Neji had yet to find a man in one of those dark mysterious robes.
Suddenly, Neji ordered Sasuke to stop, and they both dropped their boxes with a subtle plop. Sasuke refused to cough as the dirt proceeded to lift and fill up the entire box. He waited for Neji's order to move again, but it seemed as though the other boy was looking at something.
He peered through the two eyeholes carved in his cardboard box.
And right in front of them on the dusty dirt path-- a basket of fruit, the skin of the oranges shimmering in the bright sun. Under the basket, the ground seemed to be freshly unearthed, as though someone had laid a trap there...
Sasuke looked to Neji, whom seemed to be in deep thought.
"What is it?" Sasuke asked, rather agitated at the other boy's silence.
Neji kept his stare glued to the basket of fruit.
Someone had laid a trap here-- a very crude trap, but there'd be more. It seemed as though someone were trying to stop their trek to their destination. It seemed as though someone didn't want them to come to the wedding, and that someone obviously had no shinobi tactic at all. Even Naruto wouldn't do something this stupid, but judging by the traces of silver hair and perfume left behind...
His pale white eyes narrowed.
"He knows."
Hurriedly, they scurried past the basket of fruit.
But in their haste, they were unable to detect the trap laid right beside the previous one.
~~~ (that means a scene change)
They sat in a dark and shady room. Sasuke sat glaring at the man whom had caught them. Neji simply looked off to the side. In the corner of the room was a lone pipe dripping with black oil, forming a dark puddle on the cold floor beneath it. This place was reminiscent of a dungeon. An occasional rat would scamper by Neji's vision and into a crack in the wall. If he had cared to use his byakugan, he would've seen the filthy mass of rats hidden just beyond that wall.
He turned back to his captor.
He had long silver hair drooped past his shoulders and blood red eyes that could penetrate a brick wall. He sat on a cheaply made folding chair, his arms crossed as he frowned at the two genins.
The silence was soon broken as Joel gave a loud sigh.
"...You're never going to stop the wedding that way."
Neji raised an eyebrow.
"And why not?"
Joel raised an eyebrow in return.
"You know exactly what I mean."
Sasuke looked confused. He hadn't been introduced to the specifics of the plan. For some reason, Neji had them both hide under cardboard boxes while sneaking around the village. There were no shinobi forces in the village, and they had been invited anyway, so it puzzled the Uchiha heir that they had to sneak in, but he didn't press the matter then.
"What is he talking about, Hyuuga?"
Neji frowned, absolutely refusing to answer.
Joel said, "There are two floors in the wedding hall. The first floor is for the men, and the second floor is for the guests and women. The wedding takes place on the first floor."
A pause.
"In essence, there's no way you'll be able to get close to your loud little friend."
A large blade jabbed itself into Sasuke's heart as he slowly, but surely processed this information-- He wouldn't be able to see Naruto until after the wedding. He probably wouldn't be able to see Naruto after the wedding either with that clingy fiancé of his. He might've never been able to speak with the blond ninja again!
"So why are you speaking to us about this? I don't assume you'd be willing to help us with this whole ordeal, would you?"
"In fact, I am."
"..." Sasuke quirked an eyebrow.
"...What do you mean by that?"
"I'm an adopted member of Rasuke's family. I am not related to him in blood. Because of this, I don't inherit the family's money unless my brother dies. I can't have him get married, or he'll automatically receive the estate. And I'm assuming neither of you want your friend to get married?"
The two genin looked down at themselves. Neither of them wanted that. And after this pause of consideration--
"So how do I get on the first floor?" the two shinobi simultaneously blurted.
Joel then grinned a wicked grin-- a grin like the ones the businessmen get when they finally close a good deal, a grin like Kakashi got when he was reading his naughty and indecent books.
"...Dress up as men," he said.
And Neji said, "But how? All we've seen are robed women and people in dresses..."
He paused for a moment, carefully contemplating what he just said.
"...Oh HELL NO."
~~~
And the two young cross dressers scurried across the dirt path, the longer haired one occasionally tripping over his long blue dress. Sasuke was actually very graceful in his steps, though it had much to do with the fact that he was wearing nothing but a white dress and some knee socks (he refused to wear high heels, unlike Neji, and his hair had to be forced down to his shoulders to avoid anyone recognizing him). As he skipped daintily to the wedding hall, he silently wondered about things that a little boy shouldn't have been wondering about...
I wonder if I look as pretty as I feel...
What would Naruto think of me? Maybe he'd like me better in a dress?
And he found himself blushing as he imagined what Naruto's reaction would be...
"Sasuke?! What the hell?!
"You... You look kinda cute, actually..."
"Sasuke, you look very sexy in that skirt..."
"Sasuke, that skirt looks so tight on you. Let me help you out of it..."
Passionately, he slapped his red hot blushing cheeks, frowning with an anger as powerful as the flames of the sun. No. That was wrong. He didn't like Naruto at all. He was merely going to crash the party because... He probably wanted to beat the crap outta Naruto. That's right. He cross dressed because he wanted to kick the crap outta Naruto, now shut up about it!
It turned out that Sasuke was very good at being a woman. In fact, one would wonder why the Uchiha heir didn't wear dresses more often.
When they finally reached the wedding hall entrance, two sinister robed women loomed there to greet them. As they stood to block the door leading inside, Neji and Sasuke paused, trying to look as innocent as possible.
Neji was first to speak.
"May we pass?"
The women glanced at each other, their eyes glittering in some sort of unspoken accord. Like a pair of vultures, they turned towards the young ones and monotonously asked, "What's the password?"
"What do we do now, genius?" Sasuke remarked out of the side of his mouth.
"Um...uh..."
"Well?" the women asked. "What's your answer?"
"Um..."
This was it. They were gonna be caught.
"Soup?" Neji finally answered, quirking an innocent eyebrow.
They smiled like a pair of crows.
Before an answer could be given, Neji used his AWESOME byakugan moves and knocked out both women. After smoke could be seen rising from both their corpses, he puffed out his chest, flipped his long dark hair behind him, and flashed a dashing smile-- a little trick he had learned from Gai-sensei. Sasuke gave some weak applause.
They were in.
~~~
And the wedding was well underway.
The priest, fully dressed in his long holy attire, stood solemnly behind the wedding stand, his head lowered to regard the pages of his holy little book. Pushing his glasses up his nose, he quietly began turning in circles in boredom. When would the bride arrive?
Naruto nervously adjusted his bowtie. Wasn't he a bit young to get married? He hadn't even lost his virginity yet. He hadn't even kissed Rasuke yet. But then again, if people had sex before marriage, what was to stop marriage before sex? Or was it the other way around? Naruto was just so confused, he didn't really know!
Kakashi didn't help much, either. As best man, he did his part by standing next to the wedding stand reading from Icha Icha Paradise. Naruto would often tug at Kakashi's shoulder only to be acknowledged with a happily gay giggle from behind the mask. And so all the boy could do was wait.
The entire hall went silent as the priest suddenly cleared his throat.
"Let us begin."
~~~
Meanwhile, Neji and Sasuke were lost.
"...Soup."
"I told you that was the password!"
"I seem to recall no such thing!"
"Hmph. And now we're lost. Lost and in dresses." Sasuke grabbed his face in sudden despair. "What if Naruto gets married without me?!"
"What do you mean 'without you'?! Then he'll get married to me, obviously!"
The genius struck a pose, clearly having hung around Lee and Gai for too long.
"It is our destiny!"
"You are not going to run on about your shared destiny with Naruto. You shall not."
"No! I think I shall!"
Their conversation was interrupted.
"Ah! There you are, Princess!" someone chided.
"Huh?"
And Sasuke suddenly felt himself lifted in strong arms. As he lifted his head in embarrassment, he realized that he was being carried by one of the natives-- it was a large chubby women wearing a robe.
"Are you lost, Princess?" she asked happily, constantly hugging Sasuke to her enormous boobs.
Blushing, Sasuke slowly nodded. Whatever he was being mistaken for, it was to his advantage. He shouldn't complain.
Besides-- Boobs.
"Then I shall carry you to the wedding hall! Let's go!"
And the "princess" was then carried away.
~~~
Silently, the crowd watched in awe as the dapper young man walked to the back of the room, placing his hands upon the rusty brass handles and thrusting the gargantuan doors open like an ant carrying fifty times his own weight-- only it was much more magnificent and majestic. Their anticipation was met.
The princess stepped out.
He wore a long white dress and an adorable blush on his cheeks. His expression was almost dazed as someone gently shoved him from behind onto the red velvet carpet. The room was in absolute silence as two small five-year old boys came out from behind him, clumsily grasping the flowers from their baskets and throwing them into the air. The white petals came dancing down in a marvelous show of purity.
And, when he reached the end of the hallway, there awaited his love-- the short little blond boy who always was a bundle of sunshine. It took him an eternity to find himself back in reality.
"...take Uzumaki Naruto to be your lawful wedded wife?" said the severely confused and senile priest.
Holding his bouquet of flowers to his chest, he whispered blissfully, "I do..."
"And do you, Uzumaki Naruto, take the princess, Uchiha Rasuke to be your lawful wedded husband?"
Uchiha Rasuke--?!
And that's when Sasuke realized what was happening.
With a triumphant grin, the fox replied, "I do!"
The priest closed his book with a plop. "Then I now pronounce you wife and husband. You may now kiss the bride."
But before he could mutter a word of protest, Naruto grabbed the taller boy by the shoulders and almost hypnotized the Uchiha heir with his warm blue eyes.
Sasuke forgot all about what was happening.
In a split second, Sasuke found himself leaning down to seal the shorter boy's lips with his own. And, oh, the shocking tingle through every piece and pore of his body, the feeling of all his bones giving way and melting to a simple touch of the skin...
Dammit, he was in love.
Again.
Still.
Suddenly, a loud cry rang out in the wedding hall-- "You've got the wrong person!"
Pulling away, the Uchiha heir turned to find the one true rival in his hot pursuit of Naruto's behind, the one person who understood his feelings, the only person to awaken such feelings of hatred and jealousy...
"Neji?!"
YES.
~~~
I NEVER do what I say in those chapter previews. Ah well. I like this outcome better, ne? Yes, Rasuke is an UCHIHA. HAHA. And you know what THAT means... he is Sasuke's long lost cousin!! The Mary-Sue-ness continues! Lol... That unnecessary "yes" at the end just did this chapter in, didn't it?
There WAS a segment of interaction between Rasuke and Naruto... but I thought, "This is a SasuNaru fic! Not a RasuNaru PWP!" And so I tried to fit in as little OC interaction as possible. Now you must wonder where Rasuke and Sakura are...
Bishiehuggler - I luff your reviews... And I felt so bad that Rasuke wasn't Sasuke in a dress that I decided that I had to make it up to everyone.
someone - Yes, I know Gary-Stu is male Mary-Sue, but... Rasuke seemed to fit the stereotype of Mary-Sue much better than Gary-Stu, which I feel is generally more boyish and... not in a dress... XP
Next chapter: I have no idea whatsoever. Probably sex.