Title: All is fair in Love and Peace 3/6

Author: Keiran ( keiran@poczta.onet.pl )

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Romance and a healthy dose of Murphy's Law

Pairings: 1+2, 3+4, 5+S, minor 6+9

Warnings: Shounen-ai, no others really.

****

The morning was nasty. It started with a downpour, followed by rain. Next came ordinary pouring, only to be continued with a drizzle.

It was rather easy to notice that the weather shot to hell the plans of an outside wedding. Throughout the morning all kinds of staff members were seen running in and out from at least thirty different rooms.

It is understandable that if the whole world has to know about your wedding, your family will come, invited or not. Especially if it is the youngest and the cutest who is getting married.

It might be useful to know that poor Heero spent the morning sitting on the floor before Duo's door, pointing a loaded gun at anybody who dared to attempt getting in. As a result, Duo emerged around 11 o'clock, clearly alarmed by the ruckus made by his partner and the unfortunate person who tried to get in.

"Heero. Dare I ask why are you strangling Quat's sister?"

"She was trying to get in."

"I suppose so, it's 11.15, and the wedding is scheduled for 12.15. I believe she was supposed to help me prepare."

"You were sleeping."

"We have an hour, and I know shit about blow drying."

"You were sleeping. This is an unknown territory."

"Oh, yes. Definitely, I'm in danger. Yuy, there are at least one hundred world leaders in this hotel, and it's obvious that everybody would rather try to murder or kidnap me. Even if they try, what are the odds I know less about the job than them? Now, excuse me, I have a wedding I need to attend. It would be appreciated if you made it on time too. Or Une might make me marry Relena after all." Duo grabbed the shoulder of the poor girl and ushered her into his room. Then he poked his head from behind the door. "Your room is next to mine, Heero. If anybody tries to hurt me, I promise I'll send you an e-mail. Now off you go, we're getting married in an hour, remember? Iria might try to make you do your hair Trowa-style, don't let her. She was pretty excited about the idea of hair gel."

"Hn." Heero walked the distance of ten meters to his own room, and found Iria already there. Trowa's warnings hit him suddenly, strong enough to make him contemplate running for cover.

"Heero, good to see you. There's your suit, I hope it fits. I wasn't able to get you before, but I have a few things to say."

~Soldier's Instincts, Part One~

Uh oh.

Runforitrunforitrunforitrunforitrunforitrunforit

~End of Part One~

"First of all, regarding the wedding. Try please not to grunt your way through the ceremony. I know Duo knows what you want to say, most of the time, but the official and press would need some proof other than his word. That goes mostly to the do-you-Heero-Yuy routine. An 'I do' will do better than 'Hn'. That's one. I warned the press that only half of you talk, so you just need to sit next to Duo at the conference and… okay, don't smile. There will be some kids watching, but look approachable. With no more than stick a meter long."

"Hn." (roughly translated to: 'Okay, but if they try approaching Duo, I can't promise anything.')

"After the conference there will be a party, only some photographers are allowed. It would be nice if you didn't kill anybody, and danced with Duo once or twice. But I leave that to him. After the reception, which would be around eight o'clock, comes the wedding night. The rest of the party will continue, until everybody goes to sleep.

"Now about the wedding night…"

~Soldier's Instincts, Part Two~

What the hell are you still doing here, dolt!

Runandhiderunandhiderunandhiderunandhiderunandhiderunandhide NOW!

Preferably in the next room.

~End of Part Two~

"I suppose Trowa did tell you that neither Duo nor Quatre have any idea what's in store for them. Or perhaps they hadn't, before my educated siblings provided them with various, uh, materials."

"You mean the porn ones, or the angsty ones?"

Iria blushed a little.

"Both. So… oh drat, there is no time! Get in the shower now!"

Heero obediently stepped into the bathroom and showered. Taking his time, he started to file away the information he received already and prepared himself to hear tips for his and Duo's future sex life. But as he stood under the hot spray he could feel his courage draining away. Then he saw something rather curious glued to the wall.

'Something Curious' turned out to be a piece of paper wrapped in plastic with Duo's handwriting on it. It said:

'Dear soon-to-be-husband-of-mine,
I sincerely hope you are not getting cold feet now. Or scratch that, you probably have. I've got something to make you feel better over this whole affair: A Mission Plan.
12.00: I (which means you, dear Heero) get downstairs, dressed in the damn suit and wait for Relena to arrive.
12.10: I let Relena lead me to my place at the altar.
12.15: I stare at the official, not Duo, who looks damn hot in his suit (I'm beaming, you know. Everybody who'd seen me said so.)
12.15-13.00: I listen to the whole ceremony, not making faces. Note: I say the damn 'I do' not 'Hn'!!!
Around 13.00: Kiss me! I mean, kiss Duo!
13.05: cough, cough. Yes, you can let me, I mean him, go now.
From this point on, you're doomed. We both are. Oh well.
Love, Duo

Heero smirked. Leave it to Duo, to make everybody feel better. Scratch everybody, leave it to Duo to make him feel better. He finished his shower and went back into his room, where his suit was carefully lain upon his bed, to prevent it from wrinkling.

"If you've got some stuff that needs special care, pack it now, cause someone's going to be moving you to the marital suite. Which brings me back to your future marital problems."

~An Insight into Heero's Mind~

'Where is Duo, when I need him!'

'MAXWELL!! Bring your ass over here!'

'…'

'I will not think about his ass. I will not think about his ass. I will not think about his ass.'

~End of Insight~

Iria, as one of very few people, was able to observe a series of interesting phenomenon: Heero Yuy looked panicked, then paused, then looked at the suit displayed. Some wheels turned. Then he blushed bright red.

It wasn't that hard to decipher what exactly he was thinking. Having three football teams and then some as siblings had made the esteemed doctor grow a sense of innocent evil.

Call it a self-defense mechanism.

"Oh, Duo looks so sexy in that suit!" She gushed. "He's got the cutest little bottom I've ever seen on a guy! You can't imagine how hard it was to get him out of the tailors' fitting room with his virginity intact! My sisters were really persistent, mind you. Including the few who are declared lesbians. Quatre almost called the whole thing off to demand re-pairing. Now picture all of this and Duo starting to get undressed. You can imagine that it didn't help at all that he has no problem with changing in front of people." A pause. Meanwhile Heero wondered if Quatre needed his sisters and if anybody needed Quatre.

"Which I suppose will be good for you, cause once you get him naked, things should progress on their own. You're both healthy teenagers, hormones and stuff. Uh…Are you gay?" Heero choked.

"The wedding is half an hour away, and you're asking me if I'm gay!?"

"Well, it suddenly occurred to me that you two never really indicated any romantic interest in each other. Unless you count the fact that you're usually fussing over Duo like a mother-hen."

"I do not," Heero replied passively.

"Really? I distinctly remember an incident, this winter, when you nearly beheaded Quatre because he allowed Duo to go out without his scarf tied properly around his neck."

"Hn."

"Then there was this one time when you spoon-fed him chicken broth when he had a mild cold."

"Hn."

"And Quatre has pictures of Duo, dressing up for field missions for the Preventers. Mind you, it took me an hour to notice that he actually was underneath all of the bullet-proofs."

"Hn."

"You might be suspected of incest. You do realise you're behaving like his mother would, don't you? But it's rather cute to watch. I simply love it when you grunt and Duo manages to spin a couple of sentences out of it. I was curious – has he ever been wrong?"

"No."

"Does he ever do anything that does not please you?"

"N…" Heero paused and slowly realised what was he actually asked. "What the hell was that supposed to mean!"

Iria started to giggle.

"Nothing, nothing. I just needed to test a theory."

"What theory?"

"Well, my baby bro has pointed out a couple of interesting facts about you two."

"Your baby bro might accidentally die soon!"

"Now, now Heero. We must refrain ourselves from unnecessary violence."

"Hn. I consider it necessary violence."

"Whatever you say! Poor Duo, I remember how absolutely devastated he was when Quatre broke his arm on a trip he suggested. But, if you're sure that's necessary…"

"Hn."

Heero did realize that it was just a cheap trick. He had a reputation to maintain, after all. He also realized that Iria was mostly right. That led to remembering… that Duo, when devastated, was fun. He clung to a person and clutched a person, and stayed home, and needed to be hugged a lot, and clutched and clung to…

"Look at the time! It's almost time to go! Now, let me see..."

During the conversations Heero managed – somehow – to dress up. He had to admit that the color was damn right for him. For Duo probably too, since he was the one who had to endure trying it on. Iria walked around him a couple of times. Surprisingly, he felt quite calm, even if a little lightheaded. He was marrying his Duo, he was marrying his Duo…

"What to do with all that hair…"

Heero panicked.

Now, there are two types of panicked soldiers. One type will freeze and forget whoever it was he was shooting.

The other type will bolt for the nearest exit. Which is exactly what Heero did.

Unfortunately he was standing next to the window. He jumped onto the narrow rail outside and quickly moved to the nearest safe location (namely, Duo's room) completely ignoring Iria's cries of 'Watch the suit, damn it!'

In his haste he pushed the window open and stumbled inside, onto something very warm. Namely, Duo.

"What the hell is your problem, Heero! If you were thinking of getting used to being on top, you can stop trying! Seriously, I mean, I want to get some fun too, right? Now get off, you know how late it already is? Crap, we need to get going!"

And they set off to the wedding.

~Scene Change: At the Bottom of the Stairs~

"Oh my God!"

"Duo! Heero! Why are you here together?!"

"That's beside the point, what the hell are you wearing?!"

Relena blinked, surprised.

"You don't like my dress?" She asked, twirling on her toes.

"Let me guess, the last book you read was 'Complete Guide for the Maid of Honour – la Bella Epoque'?"

"The last book you read, Mr. Maxwell, was perhaps 'Smart-ass Comments Regarding Fashion'?"

"No, 'Complete Guide to Gay Sex'. Hello Miss Catalonia. I like your eyebrows. At what ungodly hour did you wake the poor stylist up, to have them done so well?" Duo asked the newcomer innocently.

"As soon as the sun rose, Mr Maxwell, as soon as the sun rose. I'm surprised Mr Yuy didn't offer to tutor you, by the way. But of course that might have been considered a bribe, later on."

"Are you suggesting that the end results would have been dimmed by the training performances?"

"No, definitely not. But I'm willing to run preliminary tests." The blond leered at Duo seductively. "I must say, I strongly disapprove of your choice of outfit for the occasion."

"Huh? Something wrong with it?" Duo's eyes widened almost impossibly as he glanced at his bottom in almost comical fashion. "Everybody said it looks good." Dorothy patted his shoulder comfortingly.

"It does look good, don't worry. I am merely expressing opinion that should have been issued by Miss Relena. After all, she is the pacifist here. I should think she would be more concerned for the World Peace."

"Concern for the 'World Peace', as in 'I object, he's too cute to be married'?"

"Bingo, Mr. Maxwell."

Allow the author to point that Trowa and Quatre entered the picture around the 'I like your eyebrows' part, Wufei and Sally a sentence later and finally Milliardo, Noin, Une and Mariemaia, to 'as the sun rose'. Needless to say they were all dying with laughter.

"Okay. Say, Miss Catalonia, that's one cool dress you've got there!" Dorothy raised an eyebrow. "I almost got one just like that for Heero to wear. Of course, I was forced to browse with my eyes closed, due to some tradition, but that one felt really nice."

"Well, I would of course be very happy to allow you to feel it again, but I'm afraid I'd be facing severe bodily harm."

Right then Relena noticed who exactly chose to join the party.

"Sally! At least you could have stuck to the damn tradition!"

"Relena, Wufei is the only person we could find who knows how to put that thing on properly." Sally was wearing a Chinese-styled kimono.

Relena, Dorothy and Hilde were chosen as the maids of honor and witnesses at the same time. To 'cut the number of people obscuring the view' as Duo put it. The best man parts were played by Milliardo, Rashid and Howard. The last one had to be threatened with unmentionable things before he agreed to wear a tux, but finally he consented.

Duo, making a good impression of a five year old being denied a Christmas present, had something to do with it too.

~Paragraph for Ladies Exclusively: Dresses~

As was said before, Sally was wearing a white Chinese-styled kimono. Despite it (that is the color white) being a symbol of mourning, she looked quite happy. Wufei didn't seem to mind either. He was wearing something along the lines of his traditional garb, only fancier. And whiter.

All of the others were wearing military-styled suits, sapphire or baby-blue, depending on the couple.

Now the maids of honor were a totally different picture. Relena was doing a good impression of a cloud, wearing a white, long, flowing dress, trimmed with lacy tulle. All in all she looked like a bride. If one was forced to describe the dress with one word, one would say: fluff.

Dorothy was wearing an elegant, crimson, silk gown, to provide some contrast for the white couple she was going to accompany. Her hair was also curled.

Hilde finally was coaxed into wearing a plain, but stylish, lavender dress. That in itself was an accomplishment. And all is owed to Duo's diplomacy. ('You absolutely cannot show up on the altar wearing overalls! Are you mad, woman?')

Finally, the best men (currently absent, save for Milliardo) were wearing plain as-old-as-time tuxes, while the rest of the female team opted for quite plain, burgundy-colored gowns. Except for little Mariemaia, who took Duo's advice and was wearing a green dress. Which made her resemble an orange flower in a pot, surrounded by leaves.

Added up, the supporting trio brought to mind an image of a dessert table.

~End of Paragraph~

Before Duo and Dorothy were ready to abandon their discussion, Catherine Bloom appeared (wearing pale pink, just because no one else was) to 'kindly remind you that you have exactly 1 minute 33 seconds before the ceremony begins. And since your presence is somehow vital to continue, I suggest you move your sorry asses!'

It had the desired effect: the unofficial party was called to a halt, and rescheduled for the following morning. By then, the adults reasoned, the newlyweds (especially Duo) would have much more to talk about.

Dorothy was relieved too. After all, it isn't easy to carry on a smart-ass conversation packed full of innuendoes, when the hand belonging to the official fiancee of your interlocutor was somewhere near the pocket in which guns are usually kept.

Even more stressing, when said fiancee is known to possess a dangerous mix of possessiveness and short temper. Not that she would ever let it show.

Therefore, the group departed. This chapter is coming to an end, so to add to the dramatic effect, there were big doors at the end of the corridor, which opened dramatically, revealing only blinding white light, and indecipherable noise.

**********

End of Chapter 3! Review, please!