Episode 2: He's Back, The Fag With The Hook

The children have a jolly old time, flying through the streets of London, as one does, and through the universe, as one does, and then they finally arrive at the really shamefully beautiful Neverland. And what's that we see? Ah, finally, it is the Jolly Roger! And there we have the Mangy Comedic Parrot, an essential comedy element as well as a cleverly concealed plot device. The Mangy Comedic Parrot bothers Smee. It should be mentioned in advance that Smee is Nonconformist and Irish....just a warning for the more easily shocked readers. Smee in turn goes bother Captain Fag.

Captain Fag: "I do not like clocks. Do you like clocks, Smee?"

Smee: "No, I just like you, captain...eh, ach, ahem... I mean, I just like.....the sea. Yes. The sea."

Captain Fag: "Just the sea? Not my pornographic harness? "

Smee: "Well, ahem, yes, I guess that's rather nice as well."

Captain Fag: "Just nice? Not...threatening? Not.....intimidating?"

Smee: "Now, now, captain, stop arou....er, distracting me. I have come here to tell you that Peter Pants is back."

Captain Fag: "Oh dear. Let me get my telescope so we can ogle him." (Ogles)
"Fetch Long Tom!" (looking down) "No, not that Long Tom, Smee."

Smee: "Sorry, Captain."

(up in the clouds)
Peter Pants: "I shall go tease Captain Fag. We know he wants me. Look, he's already aiming his big cannon at me.."

Wendy: "......Aha. Quite."

(down on the Jolly Roger)
Captain Fag: "Shoot him down, even if we have to ruin the ship in the process! It doesn't matter anyway, because the next time you see the ship the mast has been miraculously restored! So shoot! The cannon! The cannon on the ship! Ahem. I give up, I can't make this sentence innuendo-free..."

Pirates: "He's such a dangerous queen. We must obey before he bitches us into oblivion."

Captain Fag: "How dare you call me a queen! Or a bitch!"

Smee: "Er, Peter Pants is getting away, Captain."

Captain Fag: "I'll teach you, you posing somdomites....." (wildly slays a pirate with his handbag.. er.....hook. We mean hook )

Smee: "Oh well."

And so we leave the pirates to their own gay troubles, and have a look at what the Darling children and Peter Pants are up to....

John: (falling) "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Michael (also falling): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

John: "Captain Fag has some very big cannon balls though.."

Michael: "John, now is not the time for saucy comments..... We're falling to our deaths, remember?"

John: "Oh yeah. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!"

That's what John and Michael are up to....now what about Wendy?

Lost Boys: "Our comedy stylings are so fabulous, they cannot be rivalled by the author. Oh, it's Tinkerbell!"

Tinkerbell: "Ring Ring Ring."

Tootles: "She says: 'Ring ring ring.'"

Slightly: "Oh, it must mean we shoot that flying girl down."

Lost Boys: "Okay!"

They shoot down Wendy, who was for some reason hovering in mid air. They're very cute and funny in the process.

Peter: "Whaaaaargh! I scream for no apparent reason. Where's Wendy? You didn't kill her did you?"

Lost Boys: "Ehm, well, actually we did."

Peter: "Oh, that's a bit stupid isn't it. Now she and I cannot play house."

Wendy: "Actually, I'm not dead."

Peter: "Oh, er, see! She's not dead, but gravely injured and shall surely not live through the day! Oh, what shall I do?"

Wendy: "I'm okay!"

Peter: "Alright, enough Monty Python references. I hate it when authors do that. Go on and be cute again."

The Lost Boys are cute and funny for a while. They also display signs of a frightful Freudian complex, but then, everyone is this film has issues with that. Wendy discovers that her brothers have disappeared, and Peter promises to help find them. We shall catch up with them later, because, as we have to get all the way to the Black Castle scene this episode, we shall just skip to where we get to see where John and Michael have ended up now.

John: "Hey, look, it's a giant crocodile. Let's do the old rock- monster routine, that's always a killer...Look at this funny rock, Michael!"

Michael: "Okay! Oh, what a funny rock! One, two, three......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! IT'S A GIANT CROCODILE!"

John: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! RUN!"

Michael: "Oh no, we're falling again! And we're naked! And there's a girl ogling us! AAAAAAAAAAAH!"

John: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! God, do we ever do anything in this film but scream?"

Michael: "I don't think so."

John: "Great. We're the Ron Weasleys of Peter Pan. Fantastic."

Michael: "John, look, it's Captain Fag! We have to attract his attention."

John: "No, hold on, he seems to be pre-occupied with that weird pervert girl."

Captain Fag: (in his lovely palanquin and smoking his two cigars at the same time) "Stop, man-slaves. I see a girl hidden in the bushes."

Pirate 1: "Say, Pirate 2, don't you think it slightly disconcerting that we are being captained by a man who smokes two cigars at the same time?"

Pirate 2: "Well, as Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. But possibly that doesn't go for men who call their sailors 'man-slaves'. Anyway, let's just get him his girl." (they take the girl to Captain Fag)

Girl: "I wonder what they teach at public schools that causes you, with an entire Eton education behind you, not to understand what I'm saying, whereas that Irish idiot does understand it."

Captain Fag: "Don't ever insult Eton in front of me, princess Lilywhite or whatever you're called again.. And as for what they taught me there........let me show you...." (proceeds to do kinky stunts with his hook)

John: "I say, this is a children's movie!"

Captain Fag: "Aaah........little boys! Even better. Chain them up, man-slaves, and bring them to the bonda....I mean, Black Castle."

In The Meantime...

Peter: "If Fag has captured your brothers, the Michael Jacksons will know....." (proceeds to speak in Michael Jacksonish to a group of eery white shapes that are swimming around in the bay)

Wendy: "Oh, hello there, little Michael Jackson! Your music is so lovely...."

Michael Jackson 1: "Let me tear off your nose, it's far too big...." (raises hand to Wendy's face)

Peter: "Whoo! Aah! And other such Jacksony sounds! Stay away from her!"

Michael Jackson: "Whoo! Aaah! Some beatboxing! Stupid boy!"

The Michael Jacksons swim away while making various clever dance moves. This concludes episode 2.....

(A/N: Thank you, my gentle readers for your appraising reviews! I do believe this chapter is much better than the last, mainly as there were many more chances for shamelessly vulgar innuendo. These chapters are much longer than I expected. I hope to be able to capture everything in four to five chapters, as any more would be too draining for any reader to be expected to endure. But it will continue in much the same manner; stupidly. A bouquet of white lilies to anyone who recognised the Morrissey reference in this chapter. And that was a hint. Oh, and one to who-ever noticed that the phrase "posing somdomite" was literally borrowed from the Marquess of Queensberry. Sincerely, The Duchess)